I cannot lie. I was a bit sour today. As I watched my news feed fill with Easter basket pictures last night I went to bed thinking today would be hard and it was. In no way do I want to sound selfish or like I don't know the true meaning of Easter but seeing sweet little babies running around, desperately trying to fill their baskets with the most eggs made me so sad. I made Kaleb take me home the minute the Easter egg hunt started. I was a little down you could say. Trust me, I know Elijah is still cooking and he has a lot more developing to do which he can only do inside of my womb but I still can't seem to shake this ache. This constant longing for him to be in my arms instead of my tummy.
Something I keep telling Kaleb is that I don't understand why it takes 9 months. Why is pregnancy 9 months long? Why couldn't it be 6 months or even shorter? And then, like always, God shows up to answer my questions.
After Kaleb left for work I decided to call my parents and see how their Easter went. I talked to my dad for a while and lately any time we talk he makes it a point to tell me how many days he's been drug free since this is a new development (I know I said I would explain what has been going on in my family and I still might but right now I'm not ready to type that blog). He is now on day 70 of his outpatient rehab after being addicted to prescription drugs for 12 years. There it was. That nagging why again. Why did it take my dad 12 years to finally get help? Why has he survived this when so many others have died so young because of their addictions? And while I'm on it...why did it take you 3 days to rise, Jesus?
Why? Why? Why?
Why?
And then He immediately turns my heart to Ecc. 3. "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens..." And what He keeps bringing me back to this Easter is that He did what He said He would-He rose. He said He would and He did. He does what He says, friends. Those promises you're waiting on to be fulfilled, they will but I can't give you reason behind the timing.
And that's all the answer I need. I can look back over the past (almost) 5 years of being saved and recall where God's perfect timing has played out beautifully in my walk but I didn't notice it until the aftermath. When Elijah is in my arms I'll see God's timing unfolding once again. I don't have to understand why, I just have to trust Him. And trust Him I will.
Always.
Somewhere between my alarm ringing at 8:15 and this moment right now I was dreaming up this post and it's all because of this picture. Something about a sleeping husband makes you lose yourself in a daydream because of how wonderful he is.
In my eyes the guy in that picture isn't flawless but I choose not to point those out because they are few and far between in my opinion. Check out that beard and caveman hair-my husband is nothing less than a BEAST!
He is the man who I should try to stay more quiet for in the mornings while he sleeps. I normally don't think about it very much but this morning I did. I hope I stayed extra quiet for him. He is the man who works ridiculous shifts lately but has finally found a job that he loves. He is the man who points to my belly and says "look" every time he introduces me to someone or when we see a family member who we haven't seen since the wedding. He is the man who knows when his presence is needed. He went to the living room to silently cry when I thought we were losing Elijah at 7 weeks but stayed with me in the hospital room as they violently hooked me up to an IV, even though the sight of blood and needles makes him want to pass out, he stayed. He is the man who has stood by my side through my parent's separation and getting back together. Who has soothed me when my dad became an outpatient for a rehab center. Who has prayed with me in the darkness, snuggled under covers, when the pain became too much to bare.
He is the man who believes in silence first. For a woman who talks too much and speaks too quickly this is a very noble quality. He is the man who constantly stays attracted to me even as the stretch marks begin to make their appearance. He is the man who rearranges, hangs up, puts away, helps me clean, paints, and decorates Elijah's room the moment my nesting kicks in. (Though he does make it known that he is not a fan of this, he does it anyway.) He is the man who hears what I say and trusts my words. He is the man who is behind me 100% when it comes to choosing natural birth and doula's. He is the man who uses his days off to be productive instead of relaxing. He is the man who just the other day I had to ASK him to go play golf because it had been so long since he's been. He is the man who stays level headed while I panic over the little things. Who finishes cooking when I get fed up in the kitchen because I feel like I'm doing it wrong. He is the man who makes sacrifices for our family by selling his favorite possessions and getting us deals anywhere he can. Even though we are not hurting for money he still wants to make sure we are set. He is a man who is in love with my bargain shopping skills and my taste in music. Who loves to reminisce with me over our memories as friends as we munch on some chips and salsa or buffalo wings.
He is the man who puts my needs before his own.
He is the man I deeply respect.
He is the man I am very much in love with.
He is my man.
He is my husband.
FMF is back! I'm kind of in love with it now. So be prepared for more of these posts. To learn more about it or even join in go check out Lisa Jo Baker. Actually, you should go check her out anyway because her blog is purely amazing. Ok, ok. So here we go-
REST
I would have put a picture here of what my rest is but I can't seem to find one. Maybe that's because my rest comes from a lot of different things at different seasons in my life. My rest now probably won't come until Elijah is finally here. Yesterday, my OB told me I have to have some more tests done. I should feel relieved in a way. she's fighting for Elijah and I. Trying to figure out where all of my pain is coming from but at the same time I am frustrated. I am restless. I long for rest and at times it almost feels like it is at my fingertips but I can't seem to rest until we figure this out and until he is here and in my arms. That's my rest. A rest i've never known because he will be my first born. I hate that people keep telling me how much I won't sleep when he gets here. Can I just tell you how ok with that I am? I am so ok with losing sleep over him. Rest, i long for you to come wash over me. But am also ok if you don't. How can i truly rest with all of this sweet kicking going on that I just want to soak in for hours on end? Thank you Jesus for my sweet gift floating around inside of me right now. Different pieces of rest come in waves for me. So I'll just wait for the next one to hit and flood my soul.
STOP
Well, it's no surprise that it's Spring Break and that Spring Break is known for it's crazy parties, random hook-up's, and drinking binges. But do you know what Spring Break looks like from a mission goers view? It's not pretty, folks. It's sad and heart wrenching and sinful and heart breaking and just...not what a mama wants to think about when having her first baby soon.
"Bre, why are you up at 7 am talking about this? Go back to sleep (considering you you went to bed at 1 am)."
Kaleb left for work around 6:30 so I got on twitter for a quick second and saw all of the hash tag's for Beach Reach. I can't explain what it is. If you want to know go here. Basically, it's the bee's knee's and I'm so sad I only got to go once. Anyway, Beach Reacher's can go on Twitter and hash tag prayer requests. Very neat. While perusing these I decided to look at the hash tag for South Padre Island and check out what the beach goers were talking about. I then found a picture....I found a picture.
This picture was a bunch of guys sitting around hanging out, no biggie right? Except the guy taking the picture had one main focus: the girl's panties hanging from the ceiling fan. The caption underneath said-"And so it begins..."
Begin's...meaning this isn't the end. Meaning these guys plan on having this to be a common occurrence this week of spring break. So, maybe you're reading this and thinking that picture is hilarious or that I'm too uptight but can I just tell you that when I went on that mission trip there were countless rapes and murders happening on the island that week. I'm sure the number went up this year.
As my sweet unborn Elijah kicks incessantly because he loves the music that is playing right now all I can think is please, PLEASE Elijah, don't be that guy. Love God, love others. Go on a mission trip to South Padre instead of a spring break trip with your frat buddies. Find a woman who is God fearing. One who would never subject herself to such picture. But I guess what I'm really trying to say is find a girl who is like mama now and not like mama was because I was that girl and the tears stream at that thought. The thought that one day I will have to tell you who I was before Jesus but when I do I hope you remember that Jesus is so, so good. He pulled me from the muck and the mire and cleaned me off. He made me pure again. He makes beautiful things from dust. He cures the sick and heals the blind. He softens the heart of stone. He turns that crazy party girl into a follower, a life group leader, a wife, and a mom. He does the unthinkable and makes people do a complete 180 of their life.
I will raise you the best I know how and then pray when you go out from under my wing you make Godly choices and decisions. But for now, keep on kicking. I can't wait to meet you in 18 weeks.
P.S. Hold out for my future daughter-in-law. I'm already praying for her, too. I know she will be nothing less than everything God has for you.
Lord, I wanna yearn for you. I wanna burn with passion over You and only You. Lord, i wanna yearn.
And you know what makes this moment even sweeter?
Little feet kicking from inside me.
(sob)
I can't breathe this in enough. The incredible blessings flowing from my sweet King and without reason. I feel I have done nothing to deserve His goodness but He continues to give it anyway. Kaleb and I have been getting fantastic deals on baby furniture/items. Check it out!
Not pictured: A stroller for $70 and a Pack N Play for $22
BLESSINGS!!! So many of them and not even just material items. This pregnancy (yes, even with the few things that have happened) has been fairly easy. I've read so many horror stories on other blogs and such where women had the hardest time carrying their baby. Even with the few things that have been going on it has not been as bad as I know it could be. God has His hand over Elijah and I...this is something I know full well but tend to forget very quickly.
CONFESSION:
I have to take this moment to make a confession. It's probably not one I should put on the internet for the whole world to see but I think it's beneficial really. I have caught myself saying ugly things about others lately. Judgmental things. *shudders* I can't believe I just typed that word. I hate judgement. I loathe it honestly. It's one of the things that sets a part certain Christians. It makes or break Christianity for others and that's why I hate it. I have committed many sins. A lot of them from my BC days but a good chunk of them still sit next to me, ready to strike at the most opportune moment. Last night the words were falling out of my mouth faster than I could blink and a sweet sister corrected me in this. She reminded me what I was like during a certain season of my life. A time when I was caught between standards and flesh. Between rules and my free spirit. It made me sad. Where is the girl from a couple of years back? The one who had this huge heart for others and saw grace everywhere she turned? I think I will put up a missing person's poster and see if I can find her because I've searched my self and she is no longer there. Though, I'm thinking I can get her back. I don't want Elijah to be born into home where his mama speaks negativity. I want him to love people. All people. Jesus sat and chatted with prostitutes and tax collectors. He broke bread with men who would turn on him. But most importantly-He loved them. I need to strive more for Christlikeness than letting the world pour in. It's a sad and ugly road back but I will get there.
