The Hargrove Home

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Together
Because I am never truly alone

Together with You, My King is where my heart finds truth
You deal with me in ways only I can understand.

I say deal because I am stubborn but when You speak I am instantly brought to my knees in an attempt to understand what it means to really demonstrate sacrificial love. I'm trying to show it to my sweet baby. But I will never learn this on my own.

Together.

Together You take my husbands hand and mine and help us lead this life you've entrusted us with. Together we are three. You lead, we trail a bit behind, and then behind us is Elijah. We gave him a strong name for a reason. Savior, together is the only way we can do this.

Together my husband and I will fight to know You more, to hear Your voice, to understand Your word in hopes that we can show Elijah Your grace.

Because one day he will not walk with us, he will walk with You. And You and him will be together.

My boy is 3 months old! This is such a huge milestone for me personally because all of my breastfeeding mama's told me everything would be easier once the 3 month mark hit and they were so right! Nursing has been going so well for Elijah and I. It really is like second nature now and I'm very proud of us for making it to the 3 month mark. I'm even proud of Kaleb! He's been my biggest supporter and encourager through this whole experience and I love him for having my back and telling me I could do it. But along with easier nursing came a spike in his acid reflux. It got worse last week so his pediatrician changed his medicine to Nexium. He's been on it for a couple of days so far and I believe all is well. We had a little scare the other day but I think that was just new parent anxiety getting the best of us. He's a trooper, my boy! At 3 months Elijah is...

• Still sleeping a 4-5 hour stretch at the beginning of the night (occasionally he trips us up and wakes every 2 hours)
• Grabbing toys on his play mat and bringing them to his mouth so he can chew on them
• He finally has a favorite toy! He loves his ball. Like, LOVES it.
• Rolls over from tummy to back and back to tummy but no double roll yet
• Chats CONSTANTLY. He loves to tell stories
• He has discovered Kaleb's beard and my hair and likes to pull on them all the time
• He is in 3m-6m clothes
• He has discovered his hands and is always sucking on them
• He kicks his feet up and touches them when he's on his back but hasn't quite discovered them yet
• He likes to stroke my face and arm while I rock him

There's a picture going around my news feed. Maybe you saw me share it on Instagram?

Yea. That's the one.

This was still fresh in my mind when I picked up Elijah from his cradle this morning. He smiled up at me as he saw my head appear above him. I went through my usual greeting with him.

"Hi bud. Good morning. Oh goodness you're so handsome. Did you sleep well? Hey. Hey baby."

I picked him up, kissed the smile that was still lighting up the room, and then crawled into bed to nurse him. As I nursed him, I wept. Since Elijah has been born I haven't really thought about my baby in Heaven very much. I felt guilty. I should be thinking about that baby more. But who can blame me? My other baby is finally here and in my arms. It's not that I had forgot about my other one. I've just been enjoying my time with my son.

The guilt washed away.

I got on facebook and saw that more of my friends had shared this photo. Can I just say how refreshing it is that women I know are being open about their loss. It's beautiful, really. I mean look at that statistic. 1 in 4. It's actually pretty common so I'm glad everyone can talk about it openly. But it took years of living in San Angelo before I talked about it with others. It even took a lot in me to share that picture on Instagram. Why? Simple. I'm embarrassed. My miscarriage, unlike my friends, happened in high school with a boy I obviously wasn't married too. And sometimes I let the fact that this happened during my Ungodly life overpower the real issue at hand. I lost a baby. I lost what would have been my first baby. The other stuff doesn't matter. Loss is loss. I think that deserves to be typed again. Loss is loss. No matter which way you flip it or spin it or tell it or experience it.

I stepped out of the shadows last year around this time actually and wrote my first blog containing my miscarriage. It was hard. It was painful. It was real. And the responses I got were nothing short of loving. I don't know why for a moment I thought this would be any different.

So, to my baby in heaven- I know your name and your gender but I won't say them here. I'll keep them locked safely in my heart. I want you to know that you have a little brother and that I didn't forget that this May you would have been 6 years old. I bet you would have lit up a room with your smile the same way Elijah does. I know Jesus is taking care of you. He promised me long ago that He would. You have a little sister, too.  She was actually born a couple of weeks after your brother was. How weird is that? But still pretty cool at the same time. She has the cutest, chubbiest cheeks you could ever squeeze and Elijah has some awesome leg chunk that you could totally chew on. I want you to know that you would have been very loved here. You would have had 2 really great families. I love you, my dearest one. And one day I will meet you. I will hold you and kiss you and cuddle you tight. I promise.