The Hargrove Home

She is four months old! That sweet princess of ours. At four months old she is-

• 13lbs 12oz
• 24.5 in
• going through the four month sleep regression
• Sleeping in her crib for naps which currently only lasts about 30-45 minutes but cosleeping with us still at night and sleeps in 3 hour stretches usually
• Nurses all the time still (block feeding)
• Trying desperately to sit up on her own
• TEETHING. I tried to kid myself and say that she wasn't but she is a fussy biter and Copaiba oil makes her feel better so yes, she is teething.
• Doing turns when she's laid down but not rolling over both ways yet, still only from tummy to back
• Found her feet and loves to pull them toward her
• Still loves to be (double) swaddled
• Still hates her car seat
• Loves her wubby and Sophie Giraffe
• Sits in her bumbo for about 10 minutes a day
• Drools and chews on everything
• Laughed for the first time about a week ago but hasn't really done it again since
• Smiles all the time now especially at her family
• LOVES to stare at her daddy and brother

Since having my own children Father's Day has been mostly about Kaleb. He's the father of my babies and the best one at that so I do my best to figure out how to make him feel special on the Father's Days he has experienced. I do that because he deserves it but I also do it because I know he misses his own dad. This fatherless thing isn't quite new to me. I've watched both of my favorite people, my husband and sister, lose their dads and really deal with it. I mean really, really deal with it. I've seen Kaleb break down in a hallway and Charlotte cry on the kitchen floor. I've seen it. I've witnessed it first hand but then my own dad passed away and I wondered why it hadn't hit me the way it did them. I felt mostly numb, I wrestled with my faith a bit, and I just simply missed him. I missed him incredibly much especially during the holidays with family around and definitely when Abigail was born and everyone visited us at the hospital. He wasn't there and it was hard. But I didn't imagine Father's Day being this hard. It's not even here and every time I see another Father's Day gift pop up on Instagram or Amazon telling me "Your dad would love this" I simply feel a bit sick.

I think I need to simply unplug that week from social media lest every dad post make me weep and make me long for my own dad who isn't here. I haven't done much breaking/melting down since he passed away but when I think about not being able to call my own dad on Father's Day, it hurts. It hurts in a new way that it hasn't hurt like this whole time hes been gone.

I just miss him.

I think for now it's ok to be sad.