The Hargrove Home

Yep, 38 weeks today. Elijah's cradle is literally inches from my face and even in a semi dark room, I'm staring into it wishing he was there. If he comes within this week, fantastic! And if he waits till his due date that's still only 2 weeks away. Honestly, it's all too fast yet not fast enough.

I had to bring the laptop into Elijah's nursery to write this blog. It just seemed appropriate. Staring at the glider, and his diaper changing table, and all of the sweet decorations adorning these 4 walls is actually soothing (kind of) at this point. I really didn't expect to feel this way at all when it got to the end of this pregnancy. I had been doing so well. I was longing, of course, but it was a sweet longing as I got everything set up and ready. Then, going to my 36 and 37 week appointments and finding out my cervix is closed sent me into this ache. Literally, that's the only way I can describe it. This longing so bad that it's actually almost painful...? I thought i was being ridiculous until a friend told me this is the hardest part during pregnancy-the wait. Thank God!!! I'm not insane or depressed in any way. I'm just feeling the normal ache of wanting to hold my baby.

If you have no idea what being a Twin Peak's girl means then bless your heart! Because that means you've some how escaped the tainted world we live in and I am envious of your ignorance but my guess is that everyone knows what that means. Especially my friends in San Angelo considering we now have a Twin Peak's conveniently located in our fine city.

"Do you want to be a Twin Peak's girl"

This is the ad that has taken over my Pandora and Facebook account. No, no I do not want to be a Twin Peak's girl and I hope you don't either. The mama in me wants to wrap a huge blanket around those girls and rush them out of there before another man can gawk at them long enough to take their wedding ring off and then give them some cheesy line that will make them feel special even for a minute. But the 22 year old in me who has only been saved for the past 4 years knows and understands and so I will not be rushing in there any time soon with blankets to cover the girls in and cold water to pour on the men.

Purity. It's real and it's achievable despite what media screams at you or what you've done. I think too many Christian women try and make purity seem like you have to be completely untouched or untainted to be able to call yourself pure but you are still pure. Even if things happened to you against your will (and can I just tell you how truly sorry I am that happened to you. It was in NO WAY your fault and you didn't deserve that). Even if things happened that you chose to participate in. Even if you were sober or completely inebriated when the last situation occurred...you are still pure. If you know my story then you know I had a miscarriage when I was in high school. You know that I made the walk of shame back to my dorm too many nights when my freshman year began at ASU. Those are not things that scream pure but I am. I am pure. My husband and I have pasts that unfortunately involve other people but for our marriage we became pure.

Getting saved in 2009 in no way meant that I did everything right. I still went out with my friends wearing things that drew negative attention my way while still claiming to love the Lord. I'm sure I greatly confused a few people and probably made some Christian women very angry but there is room for grace. I know what it feels like to long for that attention but eventually I learned to stop taking pictures in my bikini and posting them on Facebook. I learned to stop wearing the shortest shorts that barely fit when going to Chi Alpha. I learned all of these things because 1) I turned to scripture to find my worth instead of men and 2) I found women of God who had pasts like mine that had changed. I learned to look up to them and watch what they wore and how they conducted themselves.

I know many women will claim that this is just a job but let's be honest...there are plenty of other places hiring. I, in no way, condemn the girls who will eventually start working there. Instead, I weep over you because I know and I wish I could show you how the Lord views you but inevitably that's something that I could tell you all day long but you have to allow God himself to show you. He is completely enthralled with your beauty (Psalm 45:11). Because I understand that truth I now have a husband who, as my belly continues to grow and my body no longer looks like it use to, still tells me how sexy he thinks I am. He looks at me now like he did on our wedding night. He steals me away in the kitchen to kiss me and tell me how beautiful I am.

Twin Peak's is all about what you wear. It's not like you're going home with any of the men. I mean it's not a strip club or an escort service but unfortunately I can guarantee that one of the nights as you're closing up, that guy who stayed for 2 hours and ordered a ridiculous amount of beer will decide that he no long wants to be teased by your outfit. He wants to see whats underneath. And if your day went just right then your boss probably talked down to you enough to get your self esteem just at the right place for you to give in and go home with that man that night. I have never worked at a place like this but even I have had these kind of nights happen. And sadly, sweet girl, those nights will happen. I attended a friend's lingerie shower last weekend and we had a sweet and special moment where all of the married women (there was 6 of us) gave a tidbit of wisdom about sex within marriage. It was beautiful. I cried. Someone told the bride to that "it's being intimate with your best friend." What a great description. Another wife told her "my husband is an extension of Jesus to me." These women know what they're talking about and both of them have a past that involved others but they are walking examples of what Jesus' love can do. And that knowing your worth in Him changes you. It changes your heart, your way of thinking, and the way you act. The way God sees you...it's a powerful thing. Just go and read. He will reveal to you exactly what He thinks of you.

"You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; You have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace." Song of Solomon 4:9

5. More. Weeks.
I can't believe it. It feels like I've been pregnant forever and like I will continue to be pregnant for the rest of my life. No exaggeration here, folks. I literally can't imagine what it will be like for Elijah to finally be in the cradle next to me instead of inside my belly (which feels ginormous lately, by the way.)

Kaleb got a second job! He starts working at Sam's Club some time....soon? He still has paperwork to fill out but he will be working there 2-3 times a week and the rest of the time he will be at his current job, Fairfield Inn. We are blessed! Actually, I'm blessed. I have a husband who is willing to bend over backwards to support his family so I can stay home and raise our sweet baby. All I can think of is-"What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man."

Our baby shower was last Saturday and it was AMAZING! Just look at this picture-

The blur of the weekend fell into my open hand this morning at church in the form of a cracker and a tiny cup full of juice. Am I an awful sinner if I say that sometimes communion doesn't mean me for me what it should. Sometimes I get stuck on the constant that is this act we do in my church and I forget to really breathe it in and remember what it's for. This morning my pastor spoke of what the church is. The church is an organism not an organization, it is a community not a company, it is a body not a building, etc. At the end of his message he told a sweet story of a little boy with one arm who came into the Sunday school one morning and the teacher rushed through her hello's because she was so worried her class would want to talk about his arm missing. As the class day came to a close she continued with her ritual, forgetting about the boy having only one arm, and her ritual is a little poem you recite about the church using both of your hands to make the church, steeple, and the people. The boy couldn't do it with one hand so a little girl leaned her hand over and said "we can do the church together."

My heart sank. Like it usually does with stories like this especially when they involve children. So, the blur of the weekend fell right into my open hand. Yesterday, after the baby shower Kaleb and I went to a friend's babies birthday party. She is 1! When we arrived at her house I peered through the window and saw a picture being taken outside of 4 generations. The great grandma, the grandma, the mom, and the daughter whose birthday we were celebrating. I instantly remembered that my son won't have the privilege of taking this picture. His grandpa isn't here, Kaleb's dad will not be here for birthday parties and pictures. And I instantly clicked to "it's not fair." Something I resort to quite often when thinking about Kaleb's dad not being with us anymore. "It's not fair."

And then this cup and cracker were in my hand and I looked up at the men serving it to us. The deacons, elders, board members...whatever name you choose for them. I looked to my left and saw the husband of a woman who attended my baby shower yesterday and gave me a gift card for Elijah when I have only known her for a short period of time but every time I walk in the church doors her and her husband shower me and my husband with an abundance of love. I looked to my right and saw the man who a couple of years before had prayed over me with his wife that I make the right decision when deciding to transfer to CFNi or stay at ASU. I looked on the stage at the man who was leading worship and remembered the time Kaleb fell to his knees near his office a week after his dad had passed away and that man literally picked him up off the floor, sat him in his office, and cried as he prayed over Kaleb. And I started looking around at all of my church family and I looked at my cracker and cup of juice and I wept. Jesus, this church, these people have all done so much for me even if it wasn't directly for me. Jesus, He bore stripes for my healing to come at the altar of that church on a Monday night in October of 2009 leading to the last 4 years of being a part of SAF. This church is not like any other church I've ever been to. These people are not like people I have ever met.

And of course to put a cherry on top of this whole experience the lady who was getting baptized sang "My Chains are Gone" right before she was dunked under water as her old self and brought back up for air to begin her new life as a saved woman.

This is community.