The Hargrove Home

As I sit down to reflect on another year that has rooted deep into the ground underneath our small and budding marriage I find myself needing to write down who Kaleb has been this past year. He has stood in a place that I imagine no spouse wants to stand in. He stood in as a rock while I processed so much this year. A new baby and losing my dad all within a span of months was difficult to say the least but Kaleb stood there. He stood up for our marriage and for my heart. He never wavered and he stood firm in our promise when I could have counted on one hand how many times I deserved it. I guess we found out this past year that I close up with a major loss in my life. It's not something we could have known unfortunately. It was just something we had to watch unfold and find out where my heart would go. I've always felt very undeserving of Kaleb's love for me but this year just capitalized on that. Kaleb sees me and knows me like no other person ever could. He brings out a stillness in me that a lot of the time doesn't feel possible but beautifully enough he also embraces my fire that tends to rise up so often. While we were driving back from San Angelo this past weekend, discussing life as we tend to do when we spend hours on the road together he held my stare and said, "You really are my best friend, Breanna." My stomach sank and tears welled not because that's surprising but because after 4 years, 2 babies, and so many hard things you forget to tell each other stuff like that. He told me something on that trip that I never really thought about before. He told me after 4 years of marriage that he finally understands what being equally yoked means. Not just in faith but in parenting and teaching and in so many other areas we see eye to eye more than I realized was even necessary years ago when we said "I do." He has never had to prove his love for me but he still does over and over again because he wants to, not because he needs to.

Kaleb,
This was a hard year together, that I'm sure of. We endured and we pushed through and the best part of it all is we did it together. From laughing till our sides hurt on the couch to standing still and being silent as I felt all the things at once like I tend to do we have had another great year together. I don't think a great year together has to be defined in just happy times. It's in the seasons of growth that I feel like we've had our best moments together. Growing is a trying act but it's so worth it in the end. Suddenly we are 4 years into this and I feel like it's been a lifetime already. I know you feel like there's no way this is possible but you have taught me and still do teach me so many things. You teach me to be kind and hold my tongue, you have showed me what graceful parenting looks like, and though I'm not good at it yet you are constantly teaching me how to have patience. I love that your dreams are spilling over in your heart. You have a lot of them and I must admit that sometimes they feel out of reach or impossible. The way your soul sparks when you talk about filmmaking and touching the hearts of people around you lets me know that with your drive nothing is out of reach. I love discovering new things with you. I love watching ideas unfold between us as we figure out new things we are passionate about as well as new fires lit for things we have always longed for. I know this year will bring so much for us. I can't wait to find out what exactly it is. You are the best husband. This is not a phrase I take lightly. I say it because it's the honest truth and quite simply it must be said. The Lord has given me the biggest blessing in this marriage-you. I love you, Kaleb James. 

I always think I'll run out of words each year and won't be able to do a post for his birthday or our anniversary, etc but then I always sit down to write about him and words flow out of me. Since this post is all about Kaleb James Hargrove I thought I would share 24 fun facts about him that you may not know. Just FYI I did this when he turned 21 so to be fair I won't post anything that's the same from that post. He has changed a lot in these last 3 years since we've been married and watching him change has been so fun for me.

1) He has an obsession with hole-in-the-wall places and doesn't want to eat at chain restaurants when we're in a new town.
2) He is a craft beer enthusiast.
3) He likes to home brew now because of that enthusiasm.
4) He loves anything Sci-Fi.
5) He loves to play golf but always comes back from playing and tells me how bad he is at it. Psh, men.
6) He makes a mean baked potato soup and it's the one dish I won't even try to make because he does such a good job with it.
7) German Chocolate Cake and Brownies are his favorite desserts.
8) He loves a good pair of khaki pants.
9) He's an Apple guy forced to live an Android life for the next year. Total bummer.
10) He is crazy in love with his son and can be seen engaging in some awesome tickle fights with him after getting home from work.
11) He is in school to be a pastor but it's slow going with his full time job and family.
12) He has many plans in his head to open a business.
13) He is very engaged in mine and Elijah's life (and one day Abigail's too no doubt). He doesn't just coast through when it comes to being a husband and father.
14) He has an amazing idea for a documentary and we often talk about what he wants it to look and be like.
15) His metabolism is ridiculous. He can be seen constantly eating but never gains any weight, lucky guy.
16) He owns a kilt.
17) He is a nerd in all forms and loves when he finds a fellow nerdy guy to be friends with.
18) He doesn't like the texture of yogurt and never eats it.
19) Star Wars. Nuff said.
20) He likes to baby wear.
21) He can play the guitar, bass, drums, and piano but the drums are still his main instrument
22) He loves his job and can often be seen with a popsicle in hand.
23) He has compassion for so many people and their burdens. I wish I was more like him in this area.
24) He doesn't want to settle for a comfortable Christian life. He yearns for deeper intimacy with the Lord and to walk in the supernatural.

Elijah has had sleep issues since he was about four months old. He's had seasons of sleeping in his crib on his own, taking great naps, putting himself to sleep, etc. But majority of the time we're like all of the other parents at 3am letting their toddler come into their bed because it's easier than fighting them to go back into their own. It's a routine now, honestly. I don't even notice it as I roll over and tell Kaleb that Elijah is crying. It's the same thing every night:

Go get Elijah from his bed-put him into ours
Go get his fan-plug it in our room
Grab his pillow-put it on our bed
Soothe him back to sleep-crash

And then every morning when Kaleb wakes up around 6am to get ready for work I roll out of bed, pee (as is the pregnant lady way), and go back to sleep on his side. I've noticed it every morning but for some reason this morning it stood out to me even more-Elijah was almost practically on Kaleb's pillow. I had to scoot him over to my side to finally squeeze in on Kaleb's. It's amazing what my husband tolerates all night long. He sacrifices his sleep so that Elijah and I are comfortable. The tiny amount of room he has makes me wonder how he doesn't fall off the bed most nights. It doesn't at all surprise me though, this is who Kaleb is. He sacrifices everything all the time. I know this is basically in the handbook of marriage but I can attest that their aren't many husbands who actually follow through with this sacred act of dying to their own time, money, and energy so their loved ones can have a great life.

He came home early from work today and helped me pack up the rest of the apartment. He didn't once ask for a moment of rest which would have been his right seeing as he works all day throughout the week. He just packed and joked with me. Strategizing our next box of dishes, washing the ones that were still in the sink, wrapping them up once they were dry, and then stacking that box on top of the mountain of other ones in our living room. He wears Elijah and keeps him entertained during Abby's appointments so that the doctors can focus on me and her. He picks up the annoying every day essentials like diapers and gallons of water even when he just got out of rush hour traffic. He slides into bed tired and worn out, counting the hours before Elijah wakes up again and still offers Abigail and I some prayer and snuggle time. His sacrificial love is the most beautiful kind of love I've ever had the chance of knowing.

That's Jesus.

Three years.

In 3 weeks Kaleb and I will be attending our first marriage conference. I'm not even sure if that's what it's really called. Conference, retreat? I'm not sure. AG Marriage Encounter will be in Dallas April 24-26 and we're going!!! I heard about it from a friend of mine who said many couples I know have went to it and had nothing but good things to say about it. We actually registered way back in January. There's only 40 spots so they fill up quite quickly and I didn't want to miss out. I don't know much about this conference except that it's suppose to give you an even better marriage than you already have. I don't know if they do small break out sessions or if you're in a big room with all of the other attendees the whole time. I don't know if you spend a lot of time alone with your spouse or if you have a lot of free time for discussions with other people. What I do know is Kaleb and I need this.

I'm dreaming of my village today.

I don't have one yet but I can feel it coming. Count yourself lucky if you've already found yours. Even if yours is in the making, count yourself so blessed!

I'm dreaming of it today because today is hard. Kaleb will be away all day. 9am-3pm for some training and then 5pm-1am for work. Tomorrow will be the same and then Saturday we go back to normal but these next two days are going to be hard and I know that my village would be very good on days like these. After all, that's what the village is meant for. Women lending helping hands, praying as the transitions begin, offering wisdom and listening ears on new stages, sharing encouragement for all of it.

I am longing for that as Kaleb and I get closer to the new chapters. I long for a pastors wife to remind me that this season of Kaleb being in school is only for a short time and that I am actively helping by taking care of everything else while he works and does his school work. Because sometimes it doesn't feel like I'm making much of a difference while he's working so hard. I long for a more seasoned mama to tell me that it's ok that we're not trying for another baby just yet. I need her to tell me that though my womb is aching we're making smart moves by waiting a while longer. Not much longer but still a little while. And then I need that same mama to share her wisdom with me when it is time to grow our family. I long for women in ministry to remind me that this is my ministry too. That wherever we land (college, young adult, youth ministry) that I'm a part of it, too. And more importantly I need someone who has seen much redemption in their lives to remind me that God has given me victory over so much and that He will continue to complete His good work even when I fall short.

My village. My community of women.
Waiting for you.

****EDIT****

Today was even harder than I anticipated originally. Elijah spiked a 102 fever and was very lethargic. Kaleb had to come home after an hour of being at work and take us to Urgent Care. See. Village. I needed them today. Alas, it's forming up around me. Soon.

So thankful that Emily P. Freeman decided to do another link-up that I actually read about it when it happened. I usually catch them a few days late and then forget about them. The last one I did was the letter to my 17 year old self. Wow. That one holds so much for me. So I'm catching this one before it disappears on me. A few things I learned in 2014.

I hate the lessons that are not easily learned.

I hate when I have to really search situation and soul before finally learning the lesson He is teaching me.

I preach "You're ready" all the time but then shrink back, scared and questioning, when it's my time. My turn to show someone the way.

I want so badly to reach out to women who have long ago stopped reaching out for me but maybe that's the lesson in itself. I have to start being ok with the silence that circles in my living room when I desperately ask "How do I help? What do I do?"  Because I know He's not being silent to hurt me. He's showing me, in time, how to do this. How to be the saving grace for someone else the way so many have been for me.

This has been such a long time coming. I know how to help with the young women who are in college. That territory seems familiar and safe. I know what to do, what to say, how to help but now I feel out of my league. These are marriages. These are families. Babies and Holy unions and family members passing and careers altered that I want to rush into and just snap my fingers and make all of the hard stuff go away for them.

But that silence that I'm sitting in. The one that I loathe instead of embrace. Maybe that's the lesson. Be silent and don't rush in. Be there and offer your ear instead of your mouth. Carry the burdens. Fight for them in prayer. Listen. Don't speak just yet.

And if you must speak then whisper scripture and soft pleas to the God who saw this coming before it ever came. Because He also sees when it will come to pass. When it will all be a distant memory, a testimony for them.

So, for now, until the testimonies come. Be silent.

I've said in a previous post that I don't write about things I haven't personally experienced or that I don't have a heart for. So, naturally this post was hard to come to but I can't sit back and watch it happen. When Fifty Shades of Grey came out, along with Magic Mike I remember sharing this blog. She did a fantastic job on that post. And like she stated at the beginning she just felt compelled to do so. Sylvia Plath said it best when she said "I write because there is a voice within me that will not be still." I usually quiet that voice on controversial topics (and lets be honest this is, sadly, a controversial topic now) but I just can't. Not now with the new trailer that has just surfaced for the upcoming movie.

I can't be naive and think that this post should reach certain people. I know that if you're not a Christian you may not agree with me and you know what? That's perfectly ok. If you don't know God then of course I don't expect you to feel convicted over the same things I do but Christian women I'm speaking to you. I'm your sister and I love you deeply so I have to say it-this movie, this book, this porn is not ok. It's. Not. Ok. You don't get a free pass to go watch this movie because it's girls night or because it's being shown in theaters.

"Well it's not porn because obviously they don't show porn in movie theaters."

Actually they do. Any sex scene is essentially porn. The definition of pornography is "the portrayal of sexual subject matter for the purpose of sexual arousal." Kaleb and I talk about it all the time when watching new movies-majority of the plot lines in newer movies could do without the sex scene they put in there which normally ends up being a few to even several sexual scenes. We would all still understand that the characters just had sex if you do a quick make out scene and cut to their clothes strewn across the floor. I mean really this whole drawn out "love making" scene isn't necessary but I can't find a movie without it anymore. And Fifty Shades of Grey tops all of them in that department.

If you wouldn't want to see your son/husband/brother/father/pastor watching porn on his computer then why is it any different if you go see this movie? This is a stumbling block. Point blank. Not just for others but for your self as well. You could have no tie to pornography and then watch this movie only for it to open up an ugly door and lead you down a path you never thought you would have to walk down. I keep seeing articles and blog posts floating around the internet lately about men and pornography and the huge moral issue at hand. But why is that so limited to men? It's a problem for women as well and it should be addressed. 2 Corinthians 6:3 says "We put no stumbling block in anyone's path, so that our ministry will not be discredited." The youth pastor cannot flip through the pages of Playboy while sipping coffee with one of his students and then close it only to tell him about the Lord. You may think you don't have a ministry but being a light in the world is your ministry and you are held to the same standards. You cannot go see Fifty Shades of Grey and then the next day claim to love the Lord. It doesn't work that way and I'm not sure why we stopped speaking truth in this area. Are you going to go to hell? Probably not. But why take advantage of such a kind and sweet God who shows us endless grace and mercy? He holds you to a higher standard not because He wants to make it hard for you but because He knows you're capable of more if you're following Him. In your weakness, His strength is made perfect (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Lust doesn't start in your mind just like adultery doesn't start outside of the marriage bed. Both begin in your heart and spiral into a place you could quite possibly never come back from.  Matthew 5:28 tells us that "anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery in his heart." We are told to guard our heart because everything else comes from it. (Proverbs 4:23) Guarding your heart starts with guarding those things that are easily prone to sin. Your eyes, your
thoughts, etc. This isn't always the case but let's spin a scenario here-

After watching this movie with the girls you feel a little more aroused than usual. You were thinking of your husband the whole time while watching it and you can't wait to get back home to him. Oh, darn. He's already asleep. You'll catch him tomorrow after work. Uh oh. There's that guy in the mail room who looks kind of like Christian Grey. Wow. You never noticed how similar they look. Suddenly your mind is spinning with adulterated thoughts of an office affair like in the movie. You shake them off until a few weeks go by and when you're with your husband your thoughts are not on him and the love you create together, it's on that guy from the mail room. You imagine him instead of your husband but never speak a word of it to anyone. This continues for months until one day that Christian Grey look alike makes one pass at you the same day your husband forgot your anniversary (again) and suddenly you find yourself having an affair.

Is that over the top? Possibly. Or is it exactly how things like that happen. I'm sure if you interviewed majority of the people who have had affairs they could tell you that it started right there. It was one slip of a mouse click or one fleeting thought about the guy that worked across the hall only to turn into something they never expected. Maybe we don't realize it everyday but Satan works pretty hard at getting us to fall, sin, and even walk away from the Lord. That one tiny thought he planted goes a long way when the right things are said at the right time by the right person. I will not cheat on Kaleb and he won't cheat on me but does that mean we stop guarding ourselves? No way! God commands it and so we do it. Am I saying that one movie can change the course of your life? Absolutely. Like I said above one small thing can open a door that you may not be able to close later on so why risk it.

Ultimately this movie feeds into the lie that sex is just sex. I'm going to go ahead and say it-sex is never just sex. It's a bond forever tying you to that person in a way that God only intended you to be tied to your spouse. If your relationship status is the issue then the same thing applies to you. It wasn't long ago that this was my story, praying over my soul ties to certain guys so that I could be tied to Kaleb instead. It was a mistake that I greatly regret but God is good and he heals and restores. However, I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish I could go back in time and choose to say no. The Bible speaks against sexual immorality countless times. It's not an annoying thing that Christians should follow. It's God already seeing the end result to something that could be very fatal with your relationship in regards to Him and to others. Sin being inevitable does not mean Holiness is unachievable. 1 Thessalonians 4: 3-5 says "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God.." and in 1 Peter 2:11 He says "Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul." That word didn't happen on accident. He chose to say that it would wage a war because it's truth. But if it's a struggle in regards to this movie-PRAY! Seek out His word. Don't pass it by if you feel He is urging you away. Trust in Him. He always gives you a way out when you're feeling tempted (1 Corinthians 10:13).

2 years.

2 years is just a tiny scratch on the surface of what our marriage will become and what it already has unfolded into. I use to say it all the time when we first got married because everyone would ask me how I liked being married, so here's what I said-"Marriage is the biggest blessing I've ever received." Just in case you're wondering, it still is. Having children is a big blessing too but in a completely different way. No one really asks the how-we-met story but since I, personally, am a huge fan of them I'm going to share mine with you in honor of my small but beautiful 2 year anniversary.

If we get super technical I met Kaleb for a brief moment in the third pew, middle row at church. My friend Joey (his life group leader at the time) introduced us during a quick meet and greet. It was so brief in fact that Kaleb forgot my name the next time we saw each other. In all fairness I did almost call him Cameron when we met again but I quickly remembered his name and corrected myself before we spoke. Our official "meeting" is and always will be one of my favorite memories.

Right after school started up for the spring semester in 2011 Angelo State University had a snow day. It was rare so I count this a very special day. I woke up and got ready for class that day and made my way to the UC only to find out classes had been cancelled. I cannot for the life of me tell you who all from Chi Alpha was in the UC that day making plans to hang out. I remember seeing Kaleb, Joey, and my two friends Kayla and Brittanie. After that my mind goes blank because (and yes this is cheesy) Kaleb was the only one I could truly focus on. It's not a snippet of a love story, it's just fact. I wanted to know him better. We all ate and made plans to play football in the snow. I don't do sports, friends. I just don't do them but it was a snow day and to quote the movie with aforementioned title-"Anything can happen on a snow day."

We played football in the snow and it was probably the most fun I had all year. It was freezing to the point that my face and fingers hurt but it was the kind of fun that you just fight through the pain for. I can't remember if Kaleb and I were on the same team or if my team won. I just remember running back and forth and tackling people in the deep white snow. Afterwards Kayla invited us all to her apartment for dinner which was conveniently located right across the street from where we were all playing football. A bunch of us loaded up in cars and headed to the grocery store. This is where the instant connection began. Sitting next to Kaleb in his truck I hear the song on the radio and say "this is Tool, right?" People! His eyes could not have been any more obvious. It's like stars were literally coming out of them. He loved music the way I loved music and I just knew. Some people connect over a love of sports or food, my love and I connected over music and we still do. His response to my question was "You know who Tool is? Not many girls know Tool. I'm surprised." I had to give myself an invisible high-five for that one. I just found his favorite band upon our first actual conversation.

The rest of the night preceded with helping in the kitchen to make dinner, consuming said dinner, and watching all of the boys take turns playing video games. Somehow, by the grace of God maybe, Kaleb and I ended up being the ones who volunteered to do the dishes. The dishes of at least 10 people gave us enough time to chat about Jesus, schools we were thinking about transferring to, music, and Chi Alpha. I wanted to drag out all of the dishes in every single cabinet in Kayla's kitchen just so I could have more time with him by myself. Alas, the dishes were clean and we headed back into the living room where Kaleb picked up one of the guys guitars and started picking out a Nickelback song. I don't know who exactly started it or how we ended up there but the next thing I know Kayla and I are singing He Won't Relent while someone played the guitar and the entire apartment starts filling with a random act of worship. It was real and it was beautiful. Kaleb and I started discussing trying out for the worship team for Chi Alpha. He wanted to play the drums and I wanted to sing. We decided, together, that we would go for it. He brought out a bravery in me in that moment that I had never before had. I didn't just sing in front of people. That's not who I was but when Kaleb played with confidence it made me want to mimic that confidence and give it my all.

What happened at the end of the night is something I still poke at Kaleb about. When everyone was getting ready to leave Kaleb slid his phone across the floor to me without saying anything. When I picked it up it was opened to his keypad. I laughed and put in my number. He texted me right there so I could save his into my phone as well. That took guts on his part. He dropped me off at my dorm and I texted him almost right away to tell him I left my chips and salsa that I had just bought that day at Kayla's apartment. Being the sweet guy he is, he brought them to me. I wanted him to stay and talk to me for hours but being the gentlemen he is, he left and went back to his dorm. That night we confirmed plans to hang out that weekend.

My heart is doing flips just typing this story out. I love our story but that's only the beginning of it. One day I'll get the courage to type out our dating story. That story will take a lot of tears and vulnerability that I just don't have quite yet. 3 years maybe? Who knows. For now, this is the beginning of my forever and I had no idea at this time that Kaleb was the man I had been praying for.

Happy anniversary, baby. You are quite literally my favorite husband. I love the way you keep this on going spark in our marriage. This snap that otherwise I thought would die out once we became parents. You have shown great amounts of grace and patience with me these last 2 years as I have navigated motherhood and being a wife. I have found ugly parts of myself during these last 2 years that I would think would make you run but wrapped in your arms in the dark I can still hear you say "I'm choosing to love you." A constant reminder that this isn't a process of us falling in love, it's a process of us choosing it daily. More specifically choosing that this marriage is a covenant we made together with the Lord, not something we chose to do because we felt it was the next step. I can't begin to understand what you saw in me that day we met but I must have done something right to catch your eye. I loved you then and I love you more now and I suspect that love will ebb and flow sometimes as do the seasons of marriage but just like you're choosing, so am I. I love you. Forever and always, Kaleb James. 

I'm walking into the unknown and it's scary. Grace laden, this road is still scary. With each new milestone Elijah has my anxiety spikes. I keep thinking the next time his head smacks the ground he won't get right back up and laugh, he'll cry this time. He rarely does. He's strong. I wish I was as strong as him or as carefree.