Since having my own children Father's Day has been mostly about Kaleb. He's the father of my babies and the best one at that so I do my best to figure out how to make him feel special on the Father's Days he has experienced. I do that because he deserves it but I also do it because I know he misses his own dad. This fatherless thing isn't quite new to me. I've watched both of my favorite people, my husband and sister, lose their dads and really deal with it. I mean really, really deal with it. I've seen Kaleb break down in a hallway and Charlotte cry on the kitchen floor. I've seen it. I've witnessed it first hand but then my own dad passed away and I wondered why it hadn't hit me the way it did them. I felt mostly numb, I wrestled with my faith a bit, and I just simply missed him. I missed him incredibly much especially during the holidays with family around and definitely when Abigail was born and everyone visited us at the hospital. He wasn't there and it was hard. But I didn't imagine Father's Day being this hard. It's not even here and every time I see another Father's Day gift pop up on Instagram or Amazon telling me "Your dad would love this" I simply feel a bit sick.
I think I need to simply unplug that week from social media lest every dad post make me weep and make me long for my own dad who isn't here. I haven't done much breaking/melting down since he passed away but when I think about not being able to call my own dad on Father's Day, it hurts. It hurts in a new way that it hasn't hurt like this whole time hes been gone.
I just miss him.
I think for now it's ok to be sad.
This video is sweeping Facebook right now which is ironic since I'm sure half of us viewed it on our phones. I know I did! And it really did leave me speechless but only for a moment and then something rose up in me.
A guy I went to high school with passed away last week from a rare form of leukemia. I knew he had leukemia because of Facebook. I saw friends share his Go Fund Me website which was being used by his wife to raise money for medicine he needed. People could log on to this website and donate money right there. He didn't live in Texas anymore so this was an ideal and very helpful way for people to help out in any way they could. I had no money to help but I had prayers to offer. When he passed away the way I found out was the many statuses and comments posted on Facebook. Of course this is a tough way for sad news to travel but when our lives move us to different states or cause us to be overseas and phone numbers change without warning and addresses are no longer the same then what better way to keep in touch then through social media accounts?
For the wife whose husband is serving in another country that he's not allowed to tell her the name of all she has is a phone to connect with him. That phone call she just stopped your conversation for is the rare phone call her husband gets to make to tell her he loves her and he'll be home soon.
The grandmother who just sat down and ordered a meal without lifting her eyes to meet yours isn't trying to be rude, she's viewing the newest picture of her grandson who was born 3 weeks ago. She hasn't met him yet because money is too tight for her to travel and her son and daughter in law are trying to get settled into new parent life.
That college student sitting in class half paying attention to your lecture isn't doing it because he doesn't care about the class. He's using the calculator on his phone to see if he can afford to stay in school this semester without working a third job.
That guy who is sitting at the park on his phone instead of watching his kid go across the monkey bars isn't being a bad dad. He's checking to see if anyone has emailed him back about the important position he applied for that could really help him raise his children since he's a newly single father.
These are all made up circumstances...or are they? We just never know whats going on with the people we come in contact with for a brief moment in our daily walk through life. I'm not bashing the video at all. In all honesty that video was right on point and has nothing to do with this post. It just helped spring board my thoughts onto this post because it's something that weighs on my heart every time I hear/read/see someone talk about how annoying or irritating it is when someone is on their phone. We just don't know and how could we? We make such a short passing with people every day that our first response is always a negative one instead of an understanding one.
So, what if we stopped for a moment and put down our phone because WE don't need it but we stop getting so frustrated with the person whose on their phone in front of us in the drive thru line. Slow down, be where you are, but also show grace to the people you come in contact with everyday who are still glued to their technology. They are a soul and we don't know their story.
I've typed up 3 posts in the last 2 weeks and I have deleted every single one of them. This is the creative process with writing normally but for me I'm always scared of the words that could be said back to my posts. Lately, I've been dealing with a lot of negative feedback when spilling out my heart. It hurts. Sometimes it's in response to a blog I've written, other times it's something I've done or said. Though I'm sure this was no one's intentions I feel very unsafe when speaking my heart now. Something I hope everyone understands about my blog is this-I am not a professional writer. I do not get paid for this. I don't have a quota of blogs written that has to be met each week. This is my sanctuary. This is the place I go to write out my heart, understand better what God is trying to say to me, and even to be wrong at times. But that being said this blog is mine. It's my own heart being spilled out through constant key strokes and sometimes even tears. My words are not wrong or right they are just mine. They are my opinions and thoughts usually scattered out over multiple posts.
I am not a theologian. I do not understand many verses in the Bible though I try my best to seek what God is trying to tell me through scripture. I am not a counselor. I cannot fix your problems through my blog but I can listen if you ever need a friend. I am not a preacher. I can't spout my testimony, pair it with wisdom, and expect you to get saved or even to understand just how ashamed I am of who I use to be. I am just a wife and a mama trying to learn how to be a Kingdom woman and how I can better serve my God and my family.
So, I will no longer be sharing my posts via Facebook. I will share my posts containing updates of Elijah for family but all other posts will only be written, never shared. If you would like to subscribe to my blog you most definitely can keep up with my family and my heart through that. This is not a bad thing in my opinion. I shouldn't force anyones curiosity by sharing my blog via social media networks. I, personally, think this is a good thing. Its a new season for my writing. And if you enjoy taking a look into my heart, hit that subscribe button. I don't mind one bit. Thanks for reading!
I'm normally trying to fall asleep by now. Goodness, where has my youth gone? And it will be a lot worse when I have a baby...some day.
I wonder who even reads my blogs? If I never posted them to FB would they be seen at all?
I am sitting here, perusing different blogs and I'm totally jealous of all the comments and responses they get to their blogs. I have no idea how but someday I will be in this blog circuit.
All that is on my mind right now is the what if's.
Oh, those what if's. They can ruin a good nights rest quickly.
