The Hargrove Home

Today marks a monumental day on The Hargrove Home blog-the fog of writer's block is slowly lifting and I feel like I can write again. It's been literally a month since I've posted anything and that was not by choice or a busy schedule, I have had the dreaded writer's block. I mostly write out of a thinking process through my life and all that is going on around me so it has been an exceptionally hard month not being able to sort through things.

Yesterday we attended service at our old church back in San Angelo and just like everything I'm scared of, the fear faded as God confirmed the doubt in my heart. On my journey to become fearless I have conquered quite a few things already. I was a tad hesitant to attend service at SAF because I know my heart and how much it aches for all of the dear friends we have moved away from. The smiles and the greetings from familiar faces as I dropped off Elijah in the nursery made the doubt rise. The hugs made the fear fall all around me. And then...

I walked over to the woman I had been longing to see the most. A sweet woman who has been a stronghold in my life ever since I met her. I hugged her the way you hug a person when you haven't seen them in 9 months. The instant love made the tears I had been trying so hard to fight back come flowing down the curves of my face. I shook in her arms and held on tighter as she spoke life over me once again. Without knowing why I was crying she spoke the words I know only God could have given her to tell me-"You are in the right place. We miss you here but you're doing the right thing."

There are many times God speaks to me and I'm sure I missed it completely and then there are times like that where I can't pretend to be distracted. I didn't miss this. I heard it loud and clear.

Maybe you need this today-

You are in the right place. 

I never once doubted our move once it happened. I never doubted it as I missed my friends or as we got connected in our new church. I never did...until we went on the women's retreat back in October. I knew why the doubt crept around me then. I was surrounded by a community of women and hadn't had enough time to settle into our new church and get connected with all of the lovely women there (see: sick kid, Kaleb's job at that time, weddings, etc). Hence the fear that came when we decided to visit SAF yesterday. I miss our friends and I'm certain I will never stop missing them but I love the new ones we're making here. There are so many amazing people we've met over these last 9 months. Amazing people that I can't imagine not knowing now that I do know them. People who have openly claimed stakes in our life for the long haul. Women who have shared wisdom with me and men who have engaged completely in Kaleb's life. I love them and I imagine one day if God calls us away from Fort Worth the way He called us away from San Angelo I'll probably feel a heavy heart when having to leave these people. I hate missing people and I hate saying good bye but I love the words He gave me yesterday.

You are in the right place. 

There are so many things I want to do in life. I want to travel to India and adopt a little girl. I want to sip coffee outside a sweet cafe in France. I want to get so caught up playing outside with my family that even the rain doesn't make us go inside. I want to sing on stage again and really let my voice soar to Heaven. I want to learn how to play the guitar and the piano. I want to read the entire Bible but not set a time limit to it. I want to re live my honeymoon with Kaleb. I want to tell college students about Jesus right in the middle of a secular campus. I want to meet a single mom and clean her house just so she can see the love of Christ. But above most everything I want a life long friend. Don't misunderstand me here-I have lots of close friends. TONS! Some of the most amazing women I've ever met. But I don't have that one friend who needs me as much as I need her. Maybe this sounds…ridiculous? But I think as women, if we're dead honest, we know how this feels. If you have that friend you know how important her friendship is and if you don't you long for it.

So many things, so little time….right?

Not for this.

I struggle with friendships. I really do. They're tough and messy. They're encouraging and painful. They're needed yet widely unwanted most days. My absolute favorite thing is to sit in my living room with a cup of coffee (or hot tea) and chat with a friend for hours. I love the feeling of catching up with a friend you haven't seen in a while. You have months worth of things to tell them and you're both stumbling over your words to make sure you tell them everything before your limited time is up. Even better, I love catching up with someone you just saw a week or two ago. The catching up doesn't take very long and then you get to move on to true fellowship. Discussing Jesus' goodness, what verse has been stuck in your heart lately, the sweet thing your husband did yesterday, the crazy thing your kids did after dinner, etc.

Needed. Messy. Encouraging.
All of the above.

Being a stay at home mom has really shown me a lot about friendships. Weird, but not surprising. When I don't have the access to a campus or a classroom how do I find the friendships I long for? It was so easy when I was a childless, unmarried, student. I could walk into the library and meet 4 new people before I ever had a chance to sit down and study. It was so easy that I took it for granted. Now that I'm busy, married, and have a baby I see how hard it is to be intentional. I don't want to bother the other busy moms but I feel like I will bore my single or even newly wed friends. There's this reoccurring dream I keep having. It looks a lot like this-

Single women, married women, new moms, moms with lots of kids, and even empty nesters…all gathered in someones back yard…drinking sweet tea and laughing while children play near by…vulnerability is laid out on the table and someone cries….which leads us all to tears as she shares her heart….someone stands up and moves to her…laying hands on her, we all get up and mirror her move…we're laying hands and praying…we're crying and laughing….community.

This kind of reminds me of what life groups look like except with all ages and lots of kids. That life long friend I want so badly doesn't mean I'll find them now. I keep thinking I'm running out of time but not all of us are as lucky as my sister, Charlotte, who found her best friend when she was in 7th grade and now almost 15 years later they're still going strong. I hope that in this time I can learn what it means to be a true friend. I want to be humbling and remember that friendships have seasons. I want to fight past the stinging cold and hold on until the end.

I guess I want all of things.

I've typed up 3 posts in the last 2 weeks and I have deleted every single one of them. This is the creative process with writing normally but for me I'm always scared of the words that could be said back to my posts. Lately, I've been dealing with a lot of negative feedback when spilling out my heart. It hurts. Sometimes it's in response to a blog I've written, other times it's something I've done or said. Though I'm sure this was no one's intentions I feel very unsafe when speaking my heart now. Something I hope everyone understands about my blog is this-I am not a professional writer. I do not get paid for this. I don't have a quota of blogs written that has to be met each week. This is my sanctuary. This is the place I go to write out my heart, understand better what God is trying to say to me, and even to be wrong at times. But that being said this blog is mine. It's my own heart being spilled out through constant key strokes and sometimes even tears. My words are not wrong or right they are just mine. They are my opinions and thoughts usually scattered out over multiple posts.

I am not a theologian. I do not understand many verses in the Bible though I try my best to seek what God is trying to tell me through scripture. I am not a counselor. I cannot fix your problems through my blog but I can listen if you ever need a friend. I am not a preacher. I can't spout my testimony, pair it with wisdom, and expect you to get saved or even to understand just how ashamed I am of who I use to be. I am just a wife and a mama trying to learn how to be a Kingdom woman and how I can better serve my God and my family.

So, I will no longer be sharing my posts via Facebook. I will share my posts containing updates of Elijah for family but all other posts will only be written, never shared. If you would like to subscribe to my blog you most definitely can keep up with my family and my heart through that. This is not a bad thing in my opinion. I shouldn't force anyones curiosity by sharing my blog via social media networks. I, personally, think this is a good thing. Its a new season for my writing. And if you enjoy taking a look into my heart, hit that subscribe button. I don't mind one bit. Thanks for reading!

I never used that word so much until this last week. I haven't actually said it out loud but in my head this word reigns lately.

Inadequate

Last Thursday was a special night. A group of women from my church gathered at a friend's house and had a sweet get together with our OBGYN. Yes, we all have the same one. She comes highly recommended in our church. Of the 7 of us Dr. Coronado has delivered 5 of our babies, will hopefully deliver 1 on the way, and has been an amazing inspiration to our girl who is trying to get pregnant. All in all she's amazing and we all love her dearly. I mean really...who hangs out with their OBGYN? We do! Listening to the women around me speak brought that word to my mind.

"I am inadequate. I can't compare with these women. I can't do motherhood as beautifully as they do. I don't measure up."

I'm the youngest of these women. I've been married the shortest amount of time. I'm the newest mama. All of these things make me inexperienced in most ways. After Dr. Coronado left we stayed and chatted. It was nice and it was needed. They talked with me about a lot of the changes and new struggles within the Hargrove home. I cried, they listened, and they offered wisdom. The more we chatted the more that word started to fade. It's not that I don't measure up, it's that I'm learning. I'm walking along this newly paved path holding my husbands hand and carrying our baby and Jesus...He walks in front of us. These women are a gift to me. They have taught me so much in these last 2 months of being a mom then I could have ever asked for.

Satan is truly the father of lies and he tries to speak this lie specifically to me all the time but I am enough. I am adequate. I'm doing a great job. He can never take away from who God says I am. He says I am a mom and there is power in that role. True, discipling, loving power. I love my family, my mama's, and more importantly my King. What a sweet King He is and what an amazing life He has blessed me with. I'm beyond grateful.

The blur of the weekend fell into my open hand this morning at church in the form of a cracker and a tiny cup full of juice. Am I an awful sinner if I say that sometimes communion doesn't mean me for me what it should. Sometimes I get stuck on the constant that is this act we do in my church and I forget to really breathe it in and remember what it's for. This morning my pastor spoke of what the church is. The church is an organism not an organization, it is a community not a company, it is a body not a building, etc. At the end of his message he told a sweet story of a little boy with one arm who came into the Sunday school one morning and the teacher rushed through her hello's because she was so worried her class would want to talk about his arm missing. As the class day came to a close she continued with her ritual, forgetting about the boy having only one arm, and her ritual is a little poem you recite about the church using both of your hands to make the church, steeple, and the people. The boy couldn't do it with one hand so a little girl leaned her hand over and said "we can do the church together."

My heart sank. Like it usually does with stories like this especially when they involve children. So, the blur of the weekend fell right into my open hand. Yesterday, after the baby shower Kaleb and I went to a friend's babies birthday party. She is 1! When we arrived at her house I peered through the window and saw a picture being taken outside of 4 generations. The great grandma, the grandma, the mom, and the daughter whose birthday we were celebrating. I instantly remembered that my son won't have the privilege of taking this picture. His grandpa isn't here, Kaleb's dad will not be here for birthday parties and pictures. And I instantly clicked to "it's not fair." Something I resort to quite often when thinking about Kaleb's dad not being with us anymore. "It's not fair."

And then this cup and cracker were in my hand and I looked up at the men serving it to us. The deacons, elders, board members...whatever name you choose for them. I looked to my left and saw the husband of a woman who attended my baby shower yesterday and gave me a gift card for Elijah when I have only known her for a short period of time but every time I walk in the church doors her and her husband shower me and my husband with an abundance of love. I looked to my right and saw the man who a couple of years before had prayed over me with his wife that I make the right decision when deciding to transfer to CFNi or stay at ASU. I looked on the stage at the man who was leading worship and remembered the time Kaleb fell to his knees near his office a week after his dad had passed away and that man literally picked him up off the floor, sat him in his office, and cried as he prayed over Kaleb. And I started looking around at all of my church family and I looked at my cracker and cup of juice and I wept. Jesus, this church, these people have all done so much for me even if it wasn't directly for me. Jesus, He bore stripes for my healing to come at the altar of that church on a Monday night in October of 2009 leading to the last 4 years of being a part of SAF. This church is not like any other church I've ever been to. These people are not like people I have ever met.

And of course to put a cherry on top of this whole experience the lady who was getting baptized sang "My Chains are Gone" right before she was dunked under water as her old self and brought back up for air to begin her new life as a saved woman.

This is community.

Kaleb and I are learning how to live off just his paycheck since next week is my last week watching the babies and one of my last paychecks come's next week as well. So, it's difficult. I don't like to discuss our finances with people. Any of it. How much we make, how much our bills are, etc. But I will say that we have been living just fine. Never hurting for anything or struggling. We moved to the apartment to help downsize our bills and life has been good especially with so many people giving us stuff for Elijah. Life has just been...good.

She ruined me.

Absolutely ruined my heart and everything I've come to "know" and let my life be like this year. She ruined my heart for this slump, for this season of dying.

Saturday night driving to Cafe Brazil with my husband and our favorite friends I leaned back against the seat taking in Amy Hauck's words.

Culture of honor

Breathing it in and knowing I don't do this enough. I don't honor my leadership family, my husband, my friends, my life group...not the way I should. Not as often as I should. I said out loud in the car this statement-"I feel like I'm crawling from Wednesday night to Wednesday night." And I do. I feel like I'm allowing church and Chi Alpha services to fill me enough just to make it to Wednesday night for my life group. Instead of letting myself fill to the brim and spill over with God's word and His love, I fill up and pour out. Fill up and pour out over my girls not leaving enough left over for everyone else, myself included. Which leads to this dishonoring that can come shooting from my tongue and to be honest, from my eyes as well. Words spoken to my husband about our friends that only he will ever know and it's gross. Yes, gross is the word I'm choosing. I feel the sour taste on my tongue after I've said these things. I can feel the sickness rise from my belly into my throat as if I'll choke on the words but I never do.

Our pastor apologized for this very thing but I wonder if he knows that he's not the only one. Our entire leadership family is guilty of this. I'm sure everyone in our ministry is guilty of this but I can't be justified. This isn't a justifiable act. I think it's a huge reason so many of us have watched people leave Chi Alpha and our life group's this past year. Why would they stay when they feel unsafe? Amy Hauck said this weekend that we have to make baby Christians feel safe. I don't think my words have made many people safe. And for anyone who reads this-I'm so very sorry. If you're a leader, you are my family and I promise to treat you more like that and to honor you and to have your back. I really am with you heart and soul. To members of Chi Alpha, I hope I have never said anything to hurt or offend you. If I have I need your forgiveness. If you're staff/staff wife, I look up to you more than I let on. When you correct me I am thankful. I am so sorry for ever speaking negatively about you. I love you. I love you more than words can describe. Thank you for pouring out all you have over this ministry, over this team, and over my husband and I.

"It's a new season. It's a new season. The old has passed away. The old has passed away. Cause He makes us come alive. He makes us come alive."

Ah, joy! Sweet joy! This fruit of the spirit doesn't seem too hard to work on. Almost effortless? Goodness, I can be so naive sometimes. Once again within the first 48 hours of this new challenge being spoken out and accepted I failed again. And again I just let it happen. I noticed the things that instantly took my joy away were so small. When I got a moment to sit down and soak in all of the pieces of my day that were still angering me at 5 pm I realized they were all small and they were honestly all out of my hands. I allowed other people to define my joy instead of proclaiming it through Christ. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says:

"To be a woman of God" was the name of the lesson last night. We talked about women we looked up to, who God is to us, and ways to walk towards goals. For instance, we went over the fruits of the spirit. For those of you who aren't familiar in Galatians 5:22-23 the fruits of the spirit are listed as love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I presented my life group with a challenge-Each week we will work on a fruit of the spirit. Each of us will find a verse that has to do with that certain fruit of the spirit and we will memorize it and put that fruit into practice for the week. Sounds easy? Wrong! Totally totally wrong. Be honest, this is not a simple task, it is literally a challenge. Our first fruit of the spirit for week 1 is love. That's seriously not easy. When someone is irritating you, being mean, talking down to you..your first instinct is not to love them. It's usually to get even, be mean back, or just not say anything at all.