The Hargrove Home

My boy is 3 months old! This is such a huge milestone for me personally because all of my breastfeeding mama's told me everything would be easier once the 3 month mark hit and they were so right! Nursing has been going so well for Elijah and I. It really is like second nature now and I'm very proud of us for making it to the 3 month mark. I'm even proud of Kaleb! He's been my biggest supporter and encourager through this whole experience and I love him for having my back and telling me I could do it. But along with easier nursing came a spike in his acid reflux. It got worse last week so his pediatrician changed his medicine to Nexium. He's been on it for a couple of days so far and I believe all is well. We had a little scare the other day but I think that was just new parent anxiety getting the best of us. He's a trooper, my boy! At 3 months Elijah is...

• Still sleeping a 4-5 hour stretch at the beginning of the night (occasionally he trips us up and wakes every 2 hours)
• Grabbing toys on his play mat and bringing them to his mouth so he can chew on them
• He finally has a favorite toy! He loves his ball. Like, LOVES it.
• Rolls over from tummy to back and back to tummy but no double roll yet
• Chats CONSTANTLY. He loves to tell stories
• He has discovered Kaleb's beard and my hair and likes to pull on them all the time
• He is in 3m-6m clothes
• He has discovered his hands and is always sucking on them
• He kicks his feet up and touches them when he's on his back but hasn't quite discovered them yet
• He likes to stroke my face and arm while I rock him

There's a picture going around my news feed. Maybe you saw me share it on Instagram?

Yea. That's the one.

This was still fresh in my mind when I picked up Elijah from his cradle this morning. He smiled up at me as he saw my head appear above him. I went through my usual greeting with him.

"Hi bud. Good morning. Oh goodness you're so handsome. Did you sleep well? Hey. Hey baby."

I picked him up, kissed the smile that was still lighting up the room, and then crawled into bed to nurse him. As I nursed him, I wept. Since Elijah has been born I haven't really thought about my baby in Heaven very much. I felt guilty. I should be thinking about that baby more. But who can blame me? My other baby is finally here and in my arms. It's not that I had forgot about my other one. I've just been enjoying my time with my son.

The guilt washed away.

I got on facebook and saw that more of my friends had shared this photo. Can I just say how refreshing it is that women I know are being open about their loss. It's beautiful, really. I mean look at that statistic. 1 in 4. It's actually pretty common so I'm glad everyone can talk about it openly. But it took years of living in San Angelo before I talked about it with others. It even took a lot in me to share that picture on Instagram. Why? Simple. I'm embarrassed. My miscarriage, unlike my friends, happened in high school with a boy I obviously wasn't married too. And sometimes I let the fact that this happened during my Ungodly life overpower the real issue at hand. I lost a baby. I lost what would have been my first baby. The other stuff doesn't matter. Loss is loss. I think that deserves to be typed again. Loss is loss. No matter which way you flip it or spin it or tell it or experience it.

I stepped out of the shadows last year around this time actually and wrote my first blog containing my miscarriage. It was hard. It was painful. It was real. And the responses I got were nothing short of loving. I don't know why for a moment I thought this would be any different.

So, to my baby in heaven- I know your name and your gender but I won't say them here. I'll keep them locked safely in my heart. I want you to know that you have a little brother and that I didn't forget that this May you would have been 6 years old. I bet you would have lit up a room with your smile the same way Elijah does. I know Jesus is taking care of you. He promised me long ago that He would. You have a little sister, too.  She was actually born a couple of weeks after your brother was. How weird is that? But still pretty cool at the same time. She has the cutest, chubbiest cheeks you could ever squeeze and Elijah has some awesome leg chunk that you could totally chew on. I want you to know that you would have been very loved here. You would have had 2 really great families. I love you, my dearest one. And one day I will meet you. I will hold you and kiss you and cuddle you tight. I promise.

My baby's 2 month update-

I never used that word so much until this last week. I haven't actually said it out loud but in my head this word reigns lately.

Inadequate

Last Thursday was a special night. A group of women from my church gathered at a friend's house and had a sweet get together with our OBGYN. Yes, we all have the same one. She comes highly recommended in our church. Of the 7 of us Dr. Coronado has delivered 5 of our babies, will hopefully deliver 1 on the way, and has been an amazing inspiration to our girl who is trying to get pregnant. All in all she's amazing and we all love her dearly. I mean really...who hangs out with their OBGYN? We do! Listening to the women around me speak brought that word to my mind.

"I am inadequate. I can't compare with these women. I can't do motherhood as beautifully as they do. I don't measure up."

I'm the youngest of these women. I've been married the shortest amount of time. I'm the newest mama. All of these things make me inexperienced in most ways. After Dr. Coronado left we stayed and chatted. It was nice and it was needed. They talked with me about a lot of the changes and new struggles within the Hargrove home. I cried, they listened, and they offered wisdom. The more we chatted the more that word started to fade. It's not that I don't measure up, it's that I'm learning. I'm walking along this newly paved path holding my husbands hand and carrying our baby and Jesus...He walks in front of us. These women are a gift to me. They have taught me so much in these last 2 months of being a mom then I could have ever asked for.

Satan is truly the father of lies and he tries to speak this lie specifically to me all the time but I am enough. I am adequate. I'm doing a great job. He can never take away from who God says I am. He says I am a mom and there is power in that role. True, discipling, loving power. I love my family, my mama's, and more importantly my King. What a sweet King He is and what an amazing life He has blessed me with. I'm beyond grateful.

Today I attend life group for the first time in two years instead of leading one.

Bittersweet.

I am so excited though because my BEST FRIEND is leading the life group I will be attending. For the last 2 years she was in my life group, loving Jesus, loving my girls, and she was always longing. Longing to share and learn. I remember a specific moment on my couch at 3 am when she opened up her life to me. She let me in to a part of her heart that not many people got to see. She was embarrassed and scared of sharing her secrets with me but little did she know at that time thats exactly what a life group leader longs for. Those early morning/late night conversations where one of their girls/guys opens up a part of their heart to you, showing you how much they trust you. Whitney, my best friend, gets to learn that this year. She will get many moments like the one she shared with me. I'm excited to watch her grow her life group girls like she watched me do for the last 2 years.

I'm passing the Paton when I thought I would be running the race next to her. I had planned during my whole pregnancy to still be leading a life group but as any mama knows nothing goes according to plan. I've had to adjust many plans and then go with the flow. It's...tough. BUT I'm still discipling a few of my sweet girls as well as my precious baby boy. My life is good, folks. So good! It's hectic and crazy but it's wonderful. The one thing that will make it that much better is being in Whitney's life group, sharing life with her girls. I can't wait for tonight! I've got a bottle pumped and ready to go so Kaleb can be with Elijah while I have some much needed girl time.

I've covered tonight in prayer, believing God for good things to come and for her girls to all be specifically placed in her life group. Now, I get to watch her go!

Ready...set...

Leadership.

More importantly-Chi Alpha

MORE importantly-Jesus!

I love this team, I love this ministry, and I love my Jesus!

Fall semester starts next week. Dorm move in's are Friday and then the following Monday classes start. But even better than that-Chi Alpha kicks off! As our pastor Heath said-"The first 2 weeks back are crucial. It's harvest time." Truer words could not have been spoken. I always get so excited at the beginning of the school year and I'm not even in school anymore. I love watching everyone set up their dorm's as we help them move in. I love the fajita dinner where we meet all of the freshmen. I love the organizational fairs where we tell all of the students about XA. I love the huge game of Capture the Flag that we play the first week back. I just love this time. Sadly, I will only be able to do half as much as I usually do because I have to take care of Elijah. No biggie. He's my favorite person to spend time with!

This last week we were at leadership retreat. Goodness, I needed it SO. BAD. I had only a few minutes of actual alone time but even in those few minutes God spoke. I love how He does that for mom's. Leadership is going to be hard this year with Elijah. I realized that even more at retreat but my sweet friend said it best when she told me it's important to bring your baby into your ministry. You're allowing people to see what a Christian family looks like. I love that! There was an amazing moment the first night. Our old pastor, Landon, came and spoke. At the end of his lesson he had a Holy Spirit moment where he invited people to renew their love language with the Lord and just to pray/get prayed over. As beautiful tongues were lifted to heaven by my fellow leaders Elijah and I peaked through the door to watch. Elijah stared. He stared and listened to this language he didn't know being spoken by people he's getting to know. It was beautiful and of course I cried. Part of the tears were because I wanted desperately to be out there. I wanted someone to pray over me. I need prayer. But part of the tears were from watching Elijah's face. I can see him serving in a Chi Alpha at a university. I can see him being discipled and learning to disciple others.

I love this. I love this. I love this.

I love bringing him to our ministry but most importantly I love ministering to him. He has a strong calling on his life. I can just feel it and I hope that Kaleb and I can help cultivate that calling in any way God allows.

Being a mom is amazing.

Elijah will be one whole month tomorrow! This post definitely requires some bullets.