I know that a huge part of the way we act towards hardships has a lot to do with choosing joy and being grateful. Just another moment this month that Jesus has showed up in the mundane, everyday that is my life right now and proved He's hanging out with me. Staying with my mom for a couple of weeks is of course stressful as we search for an apartment but it's also so refreshing. My mama did our laundry and has been making us yummy dinners each night. That's just the way of a mom in my opinion. I know I would do the same thing if my kids were living with us for a while. I know she's tired and definitely still mourning over the loss of my dad and adjusting to her life as a widow but still she manages to go the extra mile for us. It's just another act of serving that blesses my heart from someone I love.
That's Jesus.
I posted a little snippet on Instagram/Facebook of my sister showing up on Sunday but I wanted to go into more detail for this post so you could really know how good and sweet God is just by the sister He gave me. After we moved all of our stuff into storage in Dallas we stopped for a quick bite to eat before we headed to my mom's house ( a little over an hour away). My sister called me right when Elijah was acting up at the restaurant so I was distracted and really short with her. I felt bad after we hung up knowing that she was just trying to be cheerful for me. It's this season, y'all. It's got me thirty different kinds of cray. About ten minutes after we arrived at my moms I heard the front door open and there was Charlotte. She walked in and told me she thought she would come cheer me up on a stressful day. She hugged me and of course I cried and didn't let go of her for quite a while. It was already 5pm so I knew she could only stay a couple of hours before she had to make the trip back home since she had to work the next day. But she came any way. She came for me. And like she does with Elijah, she brought Abigail a little gift for her one day nursery. We didn't do anything special. We played many rounds of Hangman on the chalkboard she just bought for me and talked about how this year is her year of Promise.
I really didn't deserve her kindness after the way I acted on the phone but she can always see right through me. She didn't take it personally and she just loved me through it and I love her so much for that.
That's Jesus.
Even though I'm late on these posts again this particular post for day 3 is one I've been excited about writing. Kaleb and I went to a worship and ministry night at our new church on Saturday. I went with heaviness which sometimes can be the best way to go to things like that because you go with expectancy. My expectancy was so far from what Jesus actually showed me. Isn't that always the way? I'm not sure if the guy sitting in front of us is a member of the church or was just visiting with his friends but he really floored me with his worship. He was crippled I could tell but I'm not sure specifically what was wrong with him. He stumbled in with a cane and sat down for the first song. There was a very beautiful moment where the man leading worship just stopped playing. I think there needs to be more silent moments like that during nights like these. It was silent for a several moments and the sweet crippled guy got up and walked up and down the aisle speaking in his own love language to the Lord. When the music started back up again he was dancing for Jesus and praying. My face got hot as I watched him and I teared up as I knew it couldn't be easy for him to do that without his cane. It was a beautiful picture of all I have to be thankful but also for what worship should look like even when it's hard. The funny thing was it didn't even look difficult for him. He danced and sang and prayed with such ease that I felt embarrassed for not going after the Lord the way I should have been.
I walked in those doors wanting healing and answers and for God to speak to me but He gave me so much more-He just showed me what being truly surrendered to Him looks like. I couldn't have anticipated that.
That's Jesus.
Elijah has had sleep issues since he was about four months old. He's had seasons of sleeping in his crib on his own, taking great naps, putting himself to sleep, etc. But majority of the time we're like all of the other parents at 3am letting their toddler come into their bed because it's easier than fighting them to go back into their own. It's a routine now, honestly. I don't even notice it as I roll over and tell Kaleb that Elijah is crying. It's the same thing every night:
Go get Elijah from his bed-put him into ours
Go get his fan-plug it in our room
Grab his pillow-put it on our bed
Soothe him back to sleep-crash
And then every morning when Kaleb wakes up around 6am to get ready for work I roll out of bed, pee (as is the pregnant lady way), and go back to sleep on his side. I've noticed it every morning but for some reason this morning it stood out to me even more-Elijah was almost practically on Kaleb's pillow. I had to scoot him over to my side to finally squeeze in on Kaleb's. It's amazing what my husband tolerates all night long. He sacrifices his sleep so that Elijah and I are comfortable. The tiny amount of room he has makes me wonder how he doesn't fall off the bed most nights. It doesn't at all surprise me though, this is who Kaleb is. He sacrifices everything all the time. I know this is basically in the handbook of marriage but I can attest that their aren't many husbands who actually follow through with this sacred act of dying to their own time, money, and energy so their loved ones can have a great life.
He came home early from work today and helped me pack up the rest of the apartment. He didn't once ask for a moment of rest which would have been his right seeing as he works all day throughout the week. He just packed and joked with me. Strategizing our next box of dishes, washing the ones that were still in the sink, wrapping them up once they were dry, and then stacking that box on top of the mountain of other ones in our living room. He wears Elijah and keeps him entertained during Abby's appointments so that the doctors can focus on me and her. He picks up the annoying every day essentials like diapers and gallons of water even when he just got out of rush hour traffic. He slides into bed tired and worn out, counting the hours before Elijah wakes up again and still offers Abigail and I some prayer and snuggle time. His sacrificial love is the most beautiful kind of love I've ever had the chance of knowing.
That's Jesus.
I vowed last year that I would participate this year in the 31 days of writing challenge. To learn more about it and even sign up to do it yourself just go here. I have every reason to not accept this challenge this year but more than just expanding my writing and going deeper on one topic I'm also seeing this as an opportunity to slow down and really see Jesus in the mundane for 31 consecutive days. I'm not sure if I'll make it to be honest. I might make it to day 10 or day 18 and fall completely behind or I might complete this thing in perfect accordance with October. I think I'm a little crazy accepting such a challenge when I'm wading through the junk currently going on but maybe it's just crazy enough that it will work.
Elijah is always doing something new or saying new phrases and words that I'm honestly not sure where he picked them up. The other day he was watching me play Candy Crush and said "RAINBOW MAMA!!!" I don't think I've ever told him what a rainbow looked like or showed him a picture of one so I have no idea how he knew. Probably all of the random Netflix shows he watches. Another weird thing he has been doing lately is crossing his arms across his chest and exclaiming-"I scared! I scared!"At first I would brush it off but he does it so much lately that I started thinking it was a good opportunity to pray with him. When he would say it I would ask him if he wanted to pray about it so he wasn't scared anymore. He would say okay and climb up on the couch so he could sit next to me. I placed my hand on his back and prayed for the Lord to take away his fear. Obviously he's two so he would say amen and then not long after that exclaim that he was scared again but the point I was trying to show him was that you can pray when you're scared. God doesn't give us a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7) and even though he doesn't quite understand it right now I want to instill that in him. In the deepest part of his heart where he will hide his fear as young boy one day I want him to remember praying with me on the couch to not be afraid.
Kids preach, y'all. They really do. Most lessons from God that I learn come from something happening with Elijah so of course this was no different. We got some scary news about Abigail yesterday (hence why this first post is late). I will definitely share more once we know for sure what's going on but for now we have to get some tests done and I'm terrified. I'm so terrified. There is already a giant mountain in front of us with trying to move that this mountain now seems like too much. As I typed that I could hear the verse "This mountain will be thrown into the midst of the sea." My version of scared is obviously very different from Elijah's version but the answer is still the same. Pray the fear away. God is so much bigger than a diagnosis or a problem. He's so much bigger than these mountains. Part of me knows the Truth of who He is and another part is still just so scared. So, I'll pray. I'll keep praying until that fear turns to peace. I'll pray until God's healing hand moves over my womb. I'll do it because Elijah is reminding me that fear has no place in our life.
That's Jesus.
Dear Abigail,
When I was pregnant with your brother your dad and I wanted so badly for him to be a boy. We talked about what it would be like to have a girl and we both had separate reasons why we didn't want a little girl. I think your dad had the same fear a lot of fathers have with their girls-the leaving of your innocence one day. He was terrified at all of the ways he won't be able to protect you, he was not ready for boys to pursue you, and all that goes with heart breaks and being a young lady. I, on the other hand, didn't want you to become me. I knew what a challenge I was for my mom. I see now more than I did when it was happening that I hurt her a lot. I grew up wild and rebellious, living my life the way I wanted and not caring who I hurt in the process of making myself (temporarily) happy. But as the Lord does He has been preparing me for you for a little over a year now. When we moved from San Angelo to Fort Worth I didn't know among the many things He was doing that He was ridding me of the shame I had from my past. We would drive by my old high school or an old friends house that I had bad memories at and I would feel it all start rushing back; shame and guilt. Shame pulled at my feet constantly keeping me in one place with the Lord. I was stuck because I didn't just give. it. up.
The process really began last October at a women's retreat I went to. We were exchanging our ashes for beauty and my ashes were the shame I was carrying from my past. I had no idea that leaving my shame at Miller Ranch that night wasn't just for my relationship with God or my marriage but it was also for me as a parent. It opened up a door for me to finally let the possibility of you in. A little girl of my own that I wouldn't wreck or ruin but instead would show her what falling in love with Jesus looked like. I'm not naive sweet girl, I know we will struggle a ton. As is the curse of a mother and daughter. We will fight about what you should wear, we will fight about your friends, we will fight about boys, and we will fight about the paths you should take in life. It's inevitable even with you growing up the way you will. But if I love you this much with you growing in my womb I can't imagine how much I'll love you when we finally meet face to face. Your dad and I are on cloud 9 about you! I think brother is just excited to have someone to play with eventually but he loves to say your name "Bebe Abby."You are loved little girl.
At 19w2d (almost 20 weeks!)
-I am feeling and seeing tons of kicks
-Obviously we found out the gender
-I am right on track for weight gain (I gained WAY too much with Elijah)
-There is a small concern we have to double check in 2 weeks but we will cross that bridge if we come to it
-My feet have already started swelling if I'm out walking for too long
-I am officially wearing majority of my maternity clothes but a few still don't fit just yet
-My pregnancy induced insomnia kicks in between 3am and 5am most mornings
-I want all of the fall food! Honey Crisp apples and Pumpkin Spice everything please
-Overall, I feel great and haven't had any major issues
But I can't walk away. I never could and I never will. That doesn't speak on what an amazing Christian I am or how big my faith is. It speaks on how amazing my God is and how He is ALWAYS faithful even when I'm faithless. There was a time when I lived without God and it was the worst time of my life. And still while I ignored Him and turned my back on His face, He relentlessly pursued me. He didn't stop because I made it hard. He kept on pushing and whispering and loving me. He didn't give up and I can't give up now. Because even while this whole ordeal hurts like hell I've still never known peace like this. A peace that flows in and out of my soul even in the midst of pain. I still have hope. I still have a Kingdom I'll be in one day where I will have the most beautiful reunion with my dad and we will hold hands while we worship the Father who so selflessly gave His son for us so that we could be right there in that moment together. And that son who could have walked away just as easily as I could, shed his blood to make a way for me, for my dad, for my husband, and for my children.
Grief and mourning aren't necessarily new to me but losing a parent takes on a whole new form. It's weird and tricky. Even after you're married and start a family of your own, you still lost someone who you saw day in and day out for so many years. Majority of those years were spent in attitude and teen angst; disliking all of the times he said no and begging him to say yes. Never understanding that he was trying to protect me. And without God we wouldn't have been able to restore our relationship. I wouldn't have been able to experience a father/daughter relationship the way it was meant to be if He hadn't wrecked me and gave me new life. While I will never understand why that exact moment was the time the Lord chose to call my dad Home, I am so thankful that He called him to a Home that I will one day share with him. I am thankful for 5 years of restoration. I am thankful he walked me down the aisle and gave me away to another man who now protects me. I am thankful he spent 2 years loving his first grand baby. I am thankful he loved my mom and gave me Charlotte as a sister when she was just 4 years old. I am thankful he always helped me move to a new apartment even though he was tired and his body was weak. I am thankful for small moments spent out in the garage together just talking about nothing and everything. I am thankful for the time and space he allowed me to have when I went away to college. I am thankful for the countless years he loved me even when I was rebellious and wild. I am thankful he never gave up on me.
He spent more years wrapped in addiction than he did walking with the Lord but the biggest picture I see is the VICTORY his story tells. His testimony colors the picture of perseverance so perfectly. It shows that he struggled and sinned but that God can change any life, at any age, and at any season. His story reminds me why I can't give up and walk away. My dad's life will be a reminder always of the purpose the pain has. The Lord loves my dad so much that He saw his broken body and chose to take him to a place where his body is whole and his pain is completely wiped away. He gives and takes away and while he takes away He still remains good and He still remains God.
It's the first of September which means football season is well under way. I laid on Kaleb's chest the other night and soaked his shirt with my tears as I thought out loud about how hard these months will be. My dad would have texted me the day OU had their first game. He would have given me an updated score at half time and the final score (in which I don't doubt they will win) before wrapping up the night with what day and time the next game would be. He did this even though he knew I wasn't the biggest football fan. I think he was always secretly determined to try and make me one and so this year I'll be a fan for him. He purchased tickets for him and Kaleb to go see the Baylor vs. OU game in November and while I hate that they don't get to go watch it together, Kaleb and I will go. We'll stand there and cheer because that's what my dad would have done. And it'll be a small reminder that we can make all of the plans we want to in life but the Lord orders our steps.
Take this mountain weight, take these ocean tears
Hold me through the trial. Come like hope again.
Even when my strength is lost I'll praise you
Even when I have no song I'll praise you
Even when it's hard to find the words
Louder then I'll sing your praise
