I just got done rocking Elijah. We've been doing CIO at night now for a couple of weeks so we've just recently started CIO for naps. I really love rocking him. It's a sweet time for both mommy and son where I sing until his eyes are closed and then I usually hum for a bit longer and lay him down but this time I just rocked him in silence and decided it was a good time to pray. I didn't pray out loud but Elijah was surprisingly calm and quiet the whole time I talked to Jesus. Maybe he just knew. I told the Lord that I needed to break this habit and I needed to break it bad. I compare myself too much to other moms.
"No other moms have this much issue with their kids sleep and they definitely don't feel as burdened as I do about it. Whats wrong with me? Am I just a whiney, annoying new mom?"
And then I felt this wave of sympathy rush over me like He understood and I don't know why that surprises me still. He understands every emotion I've ever felt and since He created my inmost being He gets me. He gets it. All of it. Every time I'm forced to hold Elijah while he naps, I usually cry. I don't want to be naive here-babies don't usually love sleep. But every nap, every day, 7 days a week I sit on the left hand corner of our couch with a pillow propping up my elbow and hold Elijah while he sleeps. And I cry and usually plead with God for a miracle but I never really pray. I feel selfish like I shouldn't pray for him to sleep in his crib. I feel silly and ridiculous so I don't pray about it a lot unless it's in the form of begging. But this time I did. As I was trying to get him calm enough to lay him down in his crib so we could start this CIO process for nap time I decided I needed to pray. And what came next just shows how sweet God is and how much He hurts with us when we're hurting.
He reminded me of Matthew 11:28 which says "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Every time I read this verse I automatically translate it to financial burdens, emotional pain, break up's, bad choices, addictions, etc. Those are the weary and burdened ones and they will find rest in His peace and presence but wait a minute. Could it be that it can also be for the simple plea of a mom who is literally weary and looking for rest? Yes.
Being tired is the song of parenthood. If we could all march together we'd be holding coffee and waving white flags, surrendering to the simple fact that we will never sleep again but is it possible that God doesn't want that for us? He wants us to rest. He wants our babies to sleep wherever we want them to sleep (in our beds with us, in a crib, in a silk sack hanging from a ceiling by stripped bamboo) He really does want that for us. There are some amazing moments of clarity I (and I'm sure many other moms) have had at 3 am when their baby won't sleep and they are desperate and all is quiet in the house besides that baby and a still small voice breaks through it all to whisper something sweet and needed. But I do not believe for a second that this has to be the way it is all the time. I don't believe God wants me on the corner of my couch and my sanity bargaining with Him. I think He wants what just happened-to come to him weary and burdened so He can provide the rest. Maybe that rest comes in the form of a mama making her lunch and eating it too while her baby rest in the crib. Maybe it comes in the form of getting some much needed cleaning done while baby naps. Maybe it even comes in the form of the Bible being read by this mama while her baby rests.
So, I'm walking, weary and burdened, to the foot of the cross. I'm asking for some rest, not just for myself, but also for my sweet baby who doesn't even know how sleep deprived he really is. And not even for more sleep but rest in the form of a baby who naps independently so this mama can regain some sanity.
Maybe instead I'll crawl to the cross. Yea, today I think I'll crawl instead. I'm too tired to walk.
