The Hargrove Home

Last year when I turned 24 I posted a little photo of me, Kaleb, and Elijah with a caption that read-

"I feel like this is the first year that I can confidently say I know who I am. Some people find themselves in high school, some in college but I found myself this last year."

Two days later I miscarried our baby.

While I do believe I found myself that year I also believe that this past year I have found my faith. I've always had such an easy time choosing God. As soon as I was saved any hard time that came it was still so easy for me to choose the Lord. But then we lost a baby and then I lost my dad and somehow choosing God became not so easy. I wrote a post about my dad and shared how I almost walked away from it all. That moment of deciding all of this was still worth it changed my faith and challenged it really to keep growing. I really had to ask myself (and I still do) if I believe that right now God is still who I believe Him to be. Is He a good father? Yes. Is He mighty to save? Yes. Is He my comfort and peace even now? Yes. Is He my teacher and my bridegroom? Yes. Does He love me? YES! Do I love Him? A thousand times, YES! There were moments while I was in the middle of loss where I really thought the Lord didn't love me. But right now seeing that perfect little girl napping so soundly in her swing and that rambunctious, joyous toddler reading books on the floor I know that He does. Look at those two gifts He entrusted me with. Let alone the amazing gift of marrying Kaleb that He entrusted me with as well. All of these things, all of this sequence of events carried out goodness in the end because that's what He promised back in Romans 8. We know two things for sure: that there will be trouble in this life but that He is the giver of peace. He has overcome the world! While He didn't cause these things He can and He does weave them together and makes something incredibly beautiful out of them because He is Father who loves His children deeply. It doesn't always come in the form of an actual gift like a home or a child. Sometimes it comes in the form of things you've never experienced before like peace that you can't explain or value that you never realized you had before. That tough season or hard moment you find yourself in? Just hold tight to Elohim. There is something great coming for you.

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken." Psalm 62:5-6

Hey there teeny one!

The second trimester is here and it feels like I can breathe more easily. You are safe. You are making your home inside of me more and more each day and a small part of me was scared we wouldn't see this milestone but here we are, baby. We did it! We made it through the first trimester, me and you. I promised myself I wouldn't write to you until we had reached the second trimester. I started writing letters to your brother much earlier than this but I had to be so cautious with you. Nevertheless you are a sweet glimpse of hope for our family, proof that God sees and knows our hearts more than we realize. I'm going to look into your eyes every day and be reminded that redemption is possible. You are forever going to have a special story that goes beyond whatever your birth story will be and whatever future God already has in store for you. I know Elijah is incredibly excited to meet you even though he definitely doesn't understand that you will be on the outside of my body eventually. Daddy is still erring on the side of caution as I imagined he would be but in general dad's just wait for that first moment they feel you kick. The bonding experience is so unique and special between you and I because I'm your home right now but for daddies and babies it takes some time to really know you're in there safe and sound. We are anxiously awaiting your first kicks, little one. And to find out what you are, of course.

At 13 weeks:
-No more sickness! It stopped at 9 weeks but would ebb and flow a bit these last few weeks
-Energy still seems far out of my reach but those quick 20 minute cat naps seem to help a ton
-Bump is more distinct but still can't fit into majority of my maternity clothes
-No real cravings just a lot of food aversions

I'm relying a lot on God's peace to get me through the next few weeks until I can see/feel signs of you growing safely inside of me. Repeating this verse over and over -

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

Ah, the famous choose-a-word-because-its-new-year has risen and I mocked it like I did last year. How silly it is that God would give all of us one word (read on-He did give me a word.) That's my personality type and I realize how annoying it is. I go against the grain even when I so badly want to follow it sometimes. I default to doing the opposite of everyone else in fear of losing who I am if I give in. And then when our pastor gave us the challenge of praying about our word at the beginning of the new year I cried as God softened my heart showing me that He had something specific for me if I would just let go of my normal response. I didn't pray about it. I just sat in it. Thinking on the one thing I need to do more of. It's the same thing God and I chat about often. Too often if I'm being honest.

I am scared of everything.

I cannot begin to give you a list, small or lengthy, on all of the things that I'm scared of. Real things. Deep things. I am scared of many things and it hinders my walk more than I'd like to admit. It holds me back from moving forward in certain areas of my life. It makes me less of a wife, mother, friend, and more importantly a daughter of the King. Did I even realize that before? How can a daughter of the bravest be so terrified of everything around her?

Fearless.

That's my word and I'm clinging to it and everything it stands for.

There is a bravery in myself that I have not yet discovered. I want to find it. I want to reach out and claim everything that I'm so scared of as my own personal conquest.