The Hargrove Home

Dear Abigail,

Today marks a monumental day on The Hargrove Home blog-the fog of writer's block is slowly lifting and I feel like I can write again. It's been literally a month since I've posted anything and that was not by choice or a busy schedule, I have had the dreaded writer's block. I mostly write out of a thinking process through my life and all that is going on around me so it has been an exceptionally hard month not being able to sort through things.

Yesterday we attended service at our old church back in San Angelo and just like everything I'm scared of, the fear faded as God confirmed the doubt in my heart. On my journey to become fearless I have conquered quite a few things already. I was a tad hesitant to attend service at SAF because I know my heart and how much it aches for all of the dear friends we have moved away from. The smiles and the greetings from familiar faces as I dropped off Elijah in the nursery made the doubt rise. The hugs made the fear fall all around me. And then...

I walked over to the woman I had been longing to see the most. A sweet woman who has been a stronghold in my life ever since I met her. I hugged her the way you hug a person when you haven't seen them in 9 months. The instant love made the tears I had been trying so hard to fight back come flowing down the curves of my face. I shook in her arms and held on tighter as she spoke life over me once again. Without knowing why I was crying she spoke the words I know only God could have given her to tell me-"You are in the right place. We miss you here but you're doing the right thing."

There are many times God speaks to me and I'm sure I missed it completely and then there are times like that where I can't pretend to be distracted. I didn't miss this. I heard it loud and clear.

I'm dreaming of my village today.

I don't have one yet but I can feel it coming. Count yourself lucky if you've already found yours. Even if yours is in the making, count yourself so blessed!

I'm dreaming of it today because today is hard. Kaleb will be away all day. 9am-3pm for some training and then 5pm-1am for work. Tomorrow will be the same and then Saturday we go back to normal but these next two days are going to be hard and I know that my village would be very good on days like these. After all, that's what the village is meant for. Women lending helping hands, praying as the transitions begin, offering wisdom and listening ears on new stages, sharing encouragement for all of it.

I am longing for that as Kaleb and I get closer to the new chapters. I long for a pastors wife to remind me that this season of Kaleb being in school is only for a short time and that I am actively helping by taking care of everything else while he works and does his school work. Because sometimes it doesn't feel like I'm making much of a difference while he's working so hard. I long for a more seasoned mama to tell me that it's ok that we're not trying for another baby just yet. I need her to tell me that though my womb is aching we're making smart moves by waiting a while longer. Not much longer but still a little while. And then I need that same mama to share her wisdom with me when it is time to grow our family. I long for women in ministry to remind me that this is my ministry too. That wherever we land (college, young adult, youth ministry) that I'm a part of it, too. And more importantly I need someone who has seen much redemption in their lives to remind me that God has given me victory over so much and that He will continue to complete His good work even when I fall short.

My village. My community of women.
Waiting for you.

****EDIT****

Today was even harder than I anticipated originally. Elijah spiked a 102 fever and was very lethargic. Kaleb had to come home after an hour of being at work and take us to Urgent Care. See. Village. I needed them today. Alas, it's forming up around me. Soon.

Ah, the famous choose-a-word-because-its-new-year has risen and I mocked it like I did last year. How silly it is that God would give all of us one word (read on-He did give me a word.) That's my personality type and I realize how annoying it is. I go against the grain even when I so badly want to follow it sometimes. I default to doing the opposite of everyone else in fear of losing who I am if I give in. And then when our pastor gave us the challenge of praying about our word at the beginning of the new year I cried as God softened my heart showing me that He had something specific for me if I would just let go of my normal response. I didn't pray about it. I just sat in it. Thinking on the one thing I need to do more of. It's the same thing God and I chat about often. Too often if I'm being honest.

I am scared of everything.

I cannot begin to give you a list, small or lengthy, on all of the things that I'm scared of. Real things. Deep things. I am scared of many things and it hinders my walk more than I'd like to admit. It holds me back from moving forward in certain areas of my life. It makes me less of a wife, mother, friend, and more importantly a daughter of the King. Did I even realize that before? How can a daughter of the bravest be so terrified of everything around her?

Fearless.

That's my word and I'm clinging to it and everything it stands for.

There is a bravery in myself that I have not yet discovered. I want to find it. I want to reach out and claim everything that I'm so scared of as my own personal conquest. 

So thankful that Emily P. Freeman decided to do another link-up that I actually read about it when it happened. I usually catch them a few days late and then forget about them. The last one I did was the letter to my 17 year old self. Wow. That one holds so much for me. So I'm catching this one before it disappears on me. A few things I learned in 2014.

Up until Elijah was born I would tell people I couldn't craft and that's still true but I hated crafting then and now I kind of love it. I'm not good at it but I still like it. I can see how entire blogs and magazines are created solely to talk about crafts, give ideas, share tips, etc. There is something to be said about the feeling you get when you finish a craft and it actually turned out pretty good. I've only done a few things here and there since the new year began but I've cultivated a love for it so I know there is more to come in 2015.

2. I enjoy the healthy lifestyle

No. Seriously. At first this year just brought some change in our eating habits mostly because of our finances but now it's turned into something both Kaleb and I really enjoy. I love cooking. I mean LOVE it and even more than that I love cooking real wholesome food. I don't always do it because hello, I'm a human who loves a good cheeseburger and greasy fries too but I do it much more than I did before. A lot more really and since hubby loves it too then we are moving forward in 2015 with the better eating as well as becoming runners. Yep. You read that right. I want to become a runner. I've found this running plan on Pinterest that helps you go from barely even walking to running an entire 5K. It's a 10 week plan and I can't way to start! We'd like to ride bikes more than run but running is free of charge and requires no equipment so I'm excited to see what 2015 holds for our fitness since 2014 kickstarted a healthier lifestyle for the Hargroves.

3. Women friendships are weird

I'm sure I always knew this but it's become more apparent this year. I had one friend at the beginning of the year barely talk to me until it was almost time for us to move and now that I'm gone we talk all the time. Then there's the friends who are vice versa. They talked to me all the time when I lived in San Angelo and now we rarely talk since I've moved. It just happens like that I guess. Another friend of mine who doesn't live in San Angelo or Fort Worth has become a very, very close friend now. Even her husband and Kaleb are good friends and we're actually taking a trip to see them tomorrow! I asked her once why it took both of us moving to become better friends and she said "Because God knew I'd need a friend to text." It's true. It's weird but true. See. Women friendships are weird and that's ok. I'm striving to learn in 2015 that it's ok when friendships are weird, I need to stop taking it personally. 

4. I am a jealous person

Not within my marriage actually but with other things people have. Kaleb and I both do it and we recognize it. We get jealous of the people who have the beautiful house while we're still stuck in a town home and the people with the good car while ours still has no window in the back. It's a green eyed monster for sure and now that I've realized it's a problem I'm praying hard that God corrects me in this. 

5. I'm scary addicted to coffee

It's bad, y'all. It's to the point where we have ran out of K Cups and I ask Kaleb to run to the gas station to get me some coffee. Not a huge life altering thing but I realized that this past year. I need an intervention. 

6.Whe you become intentional, it becomes harder

The moment I decided to be more intentional in walking in the Spirit, everything got harder. I distinctly remember standing in church a few months ago and feeling the Spirit pull me towards this woman standing by herself. I was suppose to pray over her and give her a Word from the Lord but I couldn't move. I stood there, frozen. My heart was pounding out of my chest and I knew I had been praying for exactly this moment. Alas, the moment passed and I haven't seen her since. I decided shortly after we moved to Fort Worth that I wanted to break through the barriers of the everyday Christian and walk in the Spirit. The minute I was intentional with God and started praying for that it became hard. Not BECAUSE I was intentional but because it's simply not easy. I stepped out only to jump back. That doesn't mean you give up. It just means you push against the barrier that is standing in front of you. It's not going to fall down by itself, you have to push. And push I will. 

7. I have a really great marriage

This is not a bragging thing at all. We are just as guilty as the next married couple when it comes to saying things we don't mean or not apologizing first, etc. But in general Kaleb and I have realized how great our marriage truly is just by the simple fact that we made a decision to communicate better. We fail at it sometimes and other times we hit it right on the head but in general we have a fantastic marriage. He loves me well and I think I've become pretty good at respecting him. We do life together. We make decisions together. We parent together. We listen to each other. We yell a lot less. We talk it out a lot more. We hug each other when we're mad. Again, this is not bragging because we are far from perfect but we're really nailing this marriage thing. We're beating the odds and I think that's something to be very proud of. 

8. Toddler life is no joke

I didn't really consider Elijah a toddler until after his first birthday so it's only been these last 6 months that I've really learned this but toddler life is draining. The running around, the defiance and testing of boundaries, the constant struggle between teaching them and losing your patience. But boy do I love listening to him say a new word or start dancing the very second a song comes on. It's a struggle but it's a beautiful one. He's happy and healthy and on the days I fail at being a mom he's still happy and healthy and smart so it doesn't matter. I get to try again the next day and he is quick to forgive, that little sweetheart of mine. And just look at him, y'all. He's gorgeous. He's amazing. I love him. 

9. I am a writer

This has literally taken me all year to say out loud. I am a writer. I am not a published author or a speaker or even a professional blogger but I am a writer. It's real. It's who I am. It's one of the many things I was created to do. I write because I know no other way to understand life or process my thoughts and emotions and the things God is constantly teaching me. This is forever for me. This blog, my journals, and the other things God has stirred up inside of me-they're forever. It's not a trend or a phase-it's mine and it's something I believe 100% to be a small part of the calling God has placed in my life. I want to do many things in this world: Teach women about Jesus, help new moms, do college ministry, lead worship, help birth babies, teach my own babies, show people the Kingdom but intertwined with all of those things is writing. I am a writer. That will never cease to be true. 

Here's to all of the things 2015 will teach me. 

I have started this blog probably 100 times in my head but this is the first time I've sat down to really type it out. These key strokes don't seem to be doing my thoughts justice. I can't really blog about what the Lord did for me at the SAF women's retreat last weekend. I will share it with anyone who asks of course but the internet is not allowed to know the sweet markings left on my heart after I walked away from Miller Ranch last Sunday. I just wanted to blog about the retreat as a whole. GUYS. It. Was. Gorg. Miller Ranch in general is very pretty but the Women's Ministry team made it even more beautiful with the prints beautifully framed, the sweet decorated paper straws, and the pumpkin center pieces outside on the tables. It was all in the details, y'all. And to top it off with the sweetest cherry you could tell from the minute you stepped inside that these ladies didn't play around when it came to praying over this retreat. All of the details placed for beauty and all of the prayers said for restoration.

I haven't really been able to breathe for a while now. Ever since Kaleb applied for the supervisor position at his job I haven't caught my breath. I've held it in waiting for an interview. He had his interview and I gasped and held it in again waiting for the next interview that never came. He got the email a couple of weeks ago saying he didn't get the job and I held my breath still...waiting for some divine miracle to show up. Whether it was in the form of his superiors saying they made a mistake or the person that they offered the job to somehow declining their offer. I have no idea what it was but I just kept holding my breath. Well, this is me finally breathing. I have typed up a completely different blog that I was going to post a week ago about this but I couldn't. I still wasn't breathing. I was still secretly hoping for that miracle that I felt we deserved somehow. I was angry and confused but nothing I felt compared to how Kaleb felt. He had worked so hard for this.

Hey you. I see you. Yep, you. The one whose kinda standing there awkwardly among the sea of new freshman. Your hair is perfectly tied with a zebra print ribbon which you wore because apparently you're a 5 year old little girl. I think you just noticed they're not very "in" here so you took it out of your hair when you got into your dorm. You wore that ratty A&M shirt for two reasons. One for comfort since it's move in day and two because you wanted to be funny. You are definitely not at A&M but you are here, college. A place you never thought you would get to.

(Spring semester, y'all)

(Web cam photo while studying for History)

There are a couple of exciting things going on in our home that have developed over the last few days. As of yesterday I am now the Social Media Manager for author Jodie Mitchell. She is my friends aunt and has self published 3 books of poetry (The Trusting Time, In The Suffering, Careful Whispers) and is currently working on her new book Legacy which will be releasing soon. I am so excited to help spread the word about all of her books. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter and while you're at it check out her and her husbands ministry called April Sky Ministries. Seeing first hand how social media can help keep others updated on your works/works in progress I created (again) my own Twitter account. So follow, follow, follow!

Another wonderful opportunity God has presented us with is within the company Kaleb works for. I can't say what it is officially on here but keep us in your prayers and as soon as I get the ok I will let you all know. I thought that moving to Fort Worth  would open up doors for Kaleb but now I see that doors are being opened up for me as well and not to mention our family in general. We are also currently taking classes to become members at our new church. So many exciting and new changes happening that I had to share them with you all ASAP! All of these changes bring new meaning to Jeremiah 29:11-

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I feel like there are many topics I can't blog about and by can't I mean won't. Without any specifics I'm just talking about topics that pertain to things I haven't personally experienced or even things that I have experienced but feel like I haven't walked out long enough to really share anything on it. But when it comes to the topic of shame and freedom in Christ, it's something I know well. Curled up on my friends couch the other day I made this statement:

With a heavy heart

San Angelo

It's where I laid myself upon an altar and died only to rise a born again someone.
It's where my 2 years of college education began and ended but not indefinitely.
It's where a scrawny freshman slid his phone across the carpet and asked me for my number.
It's where God showed up and rescued me, pulling me from the muck and the mire and cleansing my soul.
It's where I danced in front of the mirror with Amy and shared 4 am conversations with Whitney.
Where I started working with babies and discovered a love for children I never knew I had.
Where I made many mistakes but learned to run to Jesus instead of from Him.
Where that scrawny freshman gave me my first flower on our first Valentines day together.
Where I finally got on stage and learned to deal with my fear.
Where someone thought I was worthy enough to lead others.
Where I became a part of a leadership team that became more than people; they became family.
Where that scrawny freshman cried on my shoulder and I cried too.
Where I found my mentor.
Where I found community.
Where I found a pastor who gave me food to eat and fed me the Word as well.
Where God told me I would clean up messes and I did.
Where He told me to step back and really look.
Where He told me to stay because the workers were few but the harvest was great.
Where I fell in love with that scrawny freshman and discovered he was the man I'd been praying for.
Where that scrawny freshman became not so scrawny and where we shared our first kiss.
Where my life finally made sense.
Where I wrestled with the Lord over and over when mending my brokeness.
Where He restored my heart and made me new.
Where that boy decided to make our first kiss, my last first kiss.
Where I discovered my fear of friendships and lost a lot of people.
Where I drove a few girls away who were counting on me.
Where I learned how to two step by a lake.
It's where I found modesty and purity to be the very thing God was asking of me.
It's where I got the phone call that my mamaw had passed away.
It's where Sarah dropped her homework and came to my dorm to pray over me.
It's where I found out I was pregnant and jumped off the couch to hug that man I married.
It's where I learned motherhood cannot be done alone.
It's where I finally opened up about my miscarriage.
It's where I first went to Hastings and fell in love with the book section.
Where I was 18 and Mari told me the Lord was writing my love story over 2 am messages on Facebook.
It's where I began blogging and where I discovered an online community who got me.
It's where I became addicted to coffee.
It's where I came back from my honeymoon and stopped being a fiancé and started being a wife.
It's where I helped Sabrina fight for breastfeeding.
Where I saw Maroon 5 and Fitz and The Tantrums in concert.
Where I stood by the bon fire and decided there was more.
Where I went to the lake at midnight with my XA friends and got moved by the Holy Spirit.
It's where I met the most amazing OB/GYN and cried with friends when we had to say good-bye.
It's where honoring one another became harder than I could imagine.
It's where I woke up each Sunday eager to go to church.
It's where I discovered my heart for young couples and new moms.

San Angelo...

It's an anointing oil spilling over me and the smell of a new dorm.
It's living on my own for the first time.
It's ratty furniture and hand-me-down dishes.
It's packages in the mail and tearful good byes.
It's phone calls to my family and Charlotte moving to live with me.
It's Charlotte moving back to Fort Worth after my wedding.
It's learning that being sick without your mom to take care of you sucks pretty hard.
It's no money to pay rent until a little owl card comes and a vase of flowers.
It's a grace laden friendship I can never let go of.
It's wisdom from wise counsel spilling over me time and time again.
It's tough conversations and lots of prayer.
It's learning to cook and bake.
It's countless baby and bridal showers.
It's weddings I danced at and several I cried at.
It's new relationships to discover.
It's delivering my first child.
It's a doula and lactation consultant who rocked my world.
It's postpartum tears shared in a dark living room with Sarah the day she showed me how to nurse.
It's discovering I can do all things through Christ. 
It's driving to Ashlee and Heath's house to share my broken heart.
It's a dimly lit hallway I walked down with my RA friend for nightly rounds.
It's midnight laundry washing at Texan Hall.
It's girl's night at Keely's place with prayer instead of gossip.
It's a night ride on the back of the motorcycle.
It's playing football in the snow and worship in the apartment.
It's Zero One Ale House and Armenta's.
It's getting close to The Ferguson's right before they moved away.
It's singing to raise money for missions.
It's hugging Kayla on the front pew and telling her I'm sorry.
It's too much ramen and so much free food.
It's parties at The Grove and learning what BC days are all about.
It's traveling from dorm to dorm with new friends.
It's my-face-in-the-carpet type prayers.
It's Mali, Jake, Ellie, Grayson, and Lylah being etched in my heart forever.
It's sharing life in married life group and realizing how much I need them.
It's late night conversations at the Kotze's while Elijah snoozes in the pack n play.
It's one movie theatre and a one story mall.
It's wishing Baker Street would come back.
It's DMB always coming through the speakers.
It's an inspiration of health from The Taylor's.
It's accountability I never asked for but desperately needed.
It's living in 4 apartments and 1 house over the span of 3 years.
It's the Holy Spirit falling every sunday morning at SAF.
It's praying at Starbucks during regroup.
It's 2 transitions of pastors whom I greatly love and respect.
It's worship that moved me to tears and sermons that grew me.
It's finally building a relationship with her only to let it fall between my fingers.
It's "click-click" and all of the memories that rush back.


It's San Angelo and no one can tell me any different.

Fort Worth, you have some pretty big shoes to fill.

Well, to start off, the house hunting was a total flop. We had our hearts set on a house in general but one impaticular that we were excited about dragged us around for a couple of weeks and then finally told us it had been leased. Other then that we just weren't having any luck. I thought this had to do with the fact that searching online for a house is hard but now I see that it was the Lord leading us in a different direction. Of course, as usual, I had my heart set on a house so bad that I didn't even stop to consider if the Lord would open up a different door for us. Pun totally intended right there. I had been wondering for a while if an apartment would be the way to go. I can't stand apartment life so I just figured that was a no but then Kaleb and I talked over the benefits. We would only have to sign a 6 month lease and then maybe could look into buying a home instead of renting one once it was up, utilities are lower, they're easier to find, and we could move in sooner.

So, to make a long story short we are moving into this cute little 2 story town home on June 7th! That is SOON, people. 3 weeks and we're out of here. We were in Fort Worth for a 2 day visit and we found this town home, filled out applications, and put the deposit down. It's a good feeling to have this part squared away. Kaleb also had lunch with his new boss while we were in town and is really excited about starting his new job as soon as we move. Things are falling into place at the exact time God ordained for them to and I'm so grateful. There's so much to do in such a short time that I found myself standing, frozen in the kitchen after Kaleb left for work this morning wondering what I should do first. As any motivated person would I decided to fold laundry and watch Call The Midwife. Which was quickly interrupted when Elijah decided to fall, bust his lip, and cause me to have a heart attack and rush him to the ER. No worries, no worries. He's completely fine. His frenulum was lacerated in the fall but the doctor said it will heal on his own and to just give him Tylenol for the pain.

There you have it, friends! The Hargrove's will be moving June 7th to Fort Worth. I am so excited and sad at the same time but we will be back for Caleb and Kaitlin's wedding on the 20th and I will definitely be having Elijah's first birthday party here in San Angelo so we will be back to visit and will not lose touch with the amazing friends God has blessed us with here.


"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens......a time to plant and a time to uproot"