The Hargrove Home

At 7 months our sweet girl-

• Has 2 teeth on bottom
• Finally sleeps without being swaddle but still has crazy movements
• Has somewhat of a rhythm she has set into with naps and bed time but still doesn't sleep in her crib so a lot of it is me laying down with her and sneaking away when she falls asleep
• Scoots backwards but hasn't figured out how to move forward yet
• Gets up on all fours but hasn't started crawling yet
• New foods she has tried-Ground beef, cauliflower, sweet potato, dry waffle
• Doesn't seem to care for food very much. She loves to play with it and try it but after a few minutes she's just completely over the whole thing
• Loves her exercauser
• Nurses round the clock still and through the night
• Only has to see the chiropractor every other week now instead of every week
• Wearing 9m clothes and a few 12m
• Size 3 diapers still
• Baby chats all day long and when there is a lot of people talking or her brother is being loud she HAS to be heard so she will yell at the top of her lungs
• Sits up on her own very well now and can move from sitting to being on her tummy but hasn't figured out the vice versa yet
• Still hardly laughs but when she does it's the best 30 seconds of our life

I guess it's time for that half a year post. The one that breaks my heart only second to the one year post. Half a year is such a mile marker. It means we're now inching our way towards a first birthday and it reminds me that time doesn't stand still even though I'm demanding it over and over again. I look at Abigail and I see me. Elijah has looked like his daddy since day one but Abigail is my claim to myself. She is me made over and while I love discovering the quirks and facial features we share as she grows I hate that she is not this tiny thing swaddled perfectly in my arms again. She is, in fact, half a year old. And at half a year she-

• 15 lbs 12oz
• 25 in
• Rolls all around 
• Scoots backwards
• Sits up for long periods of time but I'm still not comfortable leaving her sitting up by herself yet
• Has started BLW (Baby Led Weaning) and has tried avocado, banana, and mango
• Laughs more now but still not as much as we'd like
• Me and Elijah get the most laughs out of her which is probably because we try all day long to do it
• Size 3 diapers
• Size 6m clothes and fits in a few 12m rompers
• 0-3m size shoes
• Can say mama and is working on dada and bubba
• Still nurses round the clock and through the night, all night
• Does not sleep in her crib but that's about to change (Hello round 2 of CIO)
• Has 2 teeth on bottom that I can see but have not broken through the gum line yet

As I sit down to reflect on another year that has rooted deep into the ground underneath our small and budding marriage I find myself needing to write down who Kaleb has been this past year. He has stood in a place that I imagine no spouse wants to stand in. He stood in as a rock while I processed so much this year. A new baby and losing my dad all within a span of months was difficult to say the least but Kaleb stood there. He stood up for our marriage and for my heart. He never wavered and he stood firm in our promise when I could have counted on one hand how many times I deserved it. I guess we found out this past year that I close up with a major loss in my life. It's not something we could have known unfortunately. It was just something we had to watch unfold and find out where my heart would go. I've always felt very undeserving of Kaleb's love for me but this year just capitalized on that. Kaleb sees me and knows me like no other person ever could. He brings out a stillness in me that a lot of the time doesn't feel possible but beautifully enough he also embraces my fire that tends to rise up so often. While we were driving back from San Angelo this past weekend, discussing life as we tend to do when we spend hours on the road together he held my stare and said, "You really are my best friend, Breanna." My stomach sank and tears welled not because that's surprising but because after 4 years, 2 babies, and so many hard things you forget to tell each other stuff like that. He told me something on that trip that I never really thought about before. He told me after 4 years of marriage that he finally understands what being equally yoked means. Not just in faith but in parenting and teaching and in so many other areas we see eye to eye more than I realized was even necessary years ago when we said "I do." He has never had to prove his love for me but he still does over and over again because he wants to, not because he needs to.

I have a three year old! This is crazy. Mostly because he's my OLDEST. How weird is that? I have an oldest and a youngest now. My oldest, my first born, he turned three. At three years old Elijah-

• Semi potty trained (is that a thing?)
• Wears size 3T in clothing and size 7 in kids shoes
• Talks ALL the time. He's never quiet.
• Favorite foods-PBJ (of course), fries, all fruit, kefir (drink), burritos, pasta
• Favorite TV show-Animal Mechanicals and Dino Train
• Loves to play on his LeapPad
• Loves to play at the park
• LOVES to swim and is a lot better now that he has had a few swim lessons
• Very obsessed with Star Horse (Star Wars) even though he's never actually watched it
• Loves anything dinosaur and even pretends he is a dinosaur. He has a great T-Rex impression
• Favorite phrases-"I'm hungry", "Sister is SOOO cute", and "Mmm. No, thanks."
• He's a sponge. Literally he soaks up everything around him all the time
• Has his first cavity (womp, womp)
• Sleeps about 11-12 hours at night
• Does not nap. He basically gave those up last year
• Loves the church nursery. He's always excited to play and see his friends
• Also, he has been nicknamed "The Runner" at church for obvious reasons-he escapes!
• Drums like his daddy. Seriously, he keeps beat really well for a three year old, it's kind of shocking
• Sings all day, everyday like his mama

For some reason month 4 went by very fast because month 5 seemed to sneak up on us. Here we go!
At 5 months-

• Wearing size 3 diapers
• Wearing 3-6m/6m clothes
• Moved up to the medium size in her cloth diapers
• Recently started nursing much more/being more fussy/chewing/drooling=TEETHING
• 30-45 minutes naps which basically means chick doesn't nap
• Sleeps in 2-3 hour stretches at night/co sleeps with us
• Won't sleep in her crib anymore
• Still swaddled but it's starting to look like that won't be for much longer
• Has started seeing the chiropractor a few times a week for Torticollis and her flat head
• Loves tummy time a lot more now
• Pushes up onto her hands
• Turns her head in the direction of any noise 
• Mostly just wants to be with mama
• Still doesn't laugh very much but smiles all the time
• Sits up on her own with a boppy behind her for when she leans too far over and falls
• Starting to like different toys
• Still hates her carseat
• Still has cradle cap
• Can put her paci in her mouth by herself
• LOVES her Sophie Giraffe and Captain Calamari (one of Elijah's old baby toys)

She is four months old! That sweet princess of ours. At four months old she is-

• 13lbs 12oz
• 24.5 in
• going through the four month sleep regression
• Sleeping in her crib for naps which currently only lasts about 30-45 minutes but cosleeping with us still at night and sleeps in 3 hour stretches usually
• Nurses all the time still (block feeding)
• Trying desperately to sit up on her own
• TEETHING. I tried to kid myself and say that she wasn't but she is a fussy biter and Copaiba oil makes her feel better so yes, she is teething.
• Doing turns when she's laid down but not rolling over both ways yet, still only from tummy to back
• Found her feet and loves to pull them toward her
• Still loves to be (double) swaddled
• Still hates her car seat
• Loves her wubby and Sophie Giraffe
• Sits in her bumbo for about 10 minutes a day
• Drools and chews on everything
• Laughed for the first time about a week ago but hasn't really done it again since
• Smiles all the time now especially at her family
• LOVES to stare at her daddy and brother

Since having my own children Father's Day has been mostly about Kaleb. He's the father of my babies and the best one at that so I do my best to figure out how to make him feel special on the Father's Days he has experienced. I do that because he deserves it but I also do it because I know he misses his own dad. This fatherless thing isn't quite new to me. I've watched both of my favorite people, my husband and sister, lose their dads and really deal with it. I mean really, really deal with it. I've seen Kaleb break down in a hallway and Charlotte cry on the kitchen floor. I've seen it. I've witnessed it first hand but then my own dad passed away and I wondered why it hadn't hit me the way it did them. I felt mostly numb, I wrestled with my faith a bit, and I just simply missed him. I missed him incredibly much especially during the holidays with family around and definitely when Abigail was born and everyone visited us at the hospital. He wasn't there and it was hard. But I didn't imagine Father's Day being this hard. It's not even here and every time I see another Father's Day gift pop up on Instagram or Amazon telling me "Your dad would love this" I simply feel a bit sick.

I think I need to simply unplug that week from social media lest every dad post make me weep and make me long for my own dad who isn't here. I haven't done much breaking/melting down since he passed away but when I think about not being able to call my own dad on Father's Day, it hurts. It hurts in a new way that it hasn't hurt like this whole time hes been gone.

I just miss him.

I think for now it's ok to be sad.