The Hargrove Home

As I sit down to reflect on another year that has rooted deep into the ground underneath our small and budding marriage I find myself needing to write down who Kaleb has been this past year. He has stood in a place that I imagine no spouse wants to stand in. He stood in as a rock while I processed so much this year. A new baby and losing my dad all within a span of months was difficult to say the least but Kaleb stood there. He stood up for our marriage and for my heart. He never wavered and he stood firm in our promise when I could have counted on one hand how many times I deserved it. I guess we found out this past year that I close up with a major loss in my life. It's not something we could have known unfortunately. It was just something we had to watch unfold and find out where my heart would go. I've always felt very undeserving of Kaleb's love for me but this year just capitalized on that. Kaleb sees me and knows me like no other person ever could. He brings out a stillness in me that a lot of the time doesn't feel possible but beautifully enough he also embraces my fire that tends to rise up so often. While we were driving back from San Angelo this past weekend, discussing life as we tend to do when we spend hours on the road together he held my stare and said, "You really are my best friend, Breanna." My stomach sank and tears welled not because that's surprising but because after 4 years, 2 babies, and so many hard things you forget to tell each other stuff like that. He told me something on that trip that I never really thought about before. He told me after 4 years of marriage that he finally understands what being equally yoked means. Not just in faith but in parenting and teaching and in so many other areas we see eye to eye more than I realized was even necessary years ago when we said "I do." He has never had to prove his love for me but he still does over and over again because he wants to, not because he needs to.

Kaleb,
This was a hard year together, that I'm sure of. We endured and we pushed through and the best part of it all is we did it together. From laughing till our sides hurt on the couch to standing still and being silent as I felt all the things at once like I tend to do we have had another great year together. I don't think a great year together has to be defined in just happy times. It's in the seasons of growth that I feel like we've had our best moments together. Growing is a trying act but it's so worth it in the end. Suddenly we are 4 years into this and I feel like it's been a lifetime already. I know you feel like there's no way this is possible but you have taught me and still do teach me so many things. You teach me to be kind and hold my tongue, you have showed me what graceful parenting looks like, and though I'm not good at it yet you are constantly teaching me how to have patience. I love that your dreams are spilling over in your heart. You have a lot of them and I must admit that sometimes they feel out of reach or impossible. The way your soul sparks when you talk about filmmaking and touching the hearts of people around you lets me know that with your drive nothing is out of reach. I love discovering new things with you. I love watching ideas unfold between us as we figure out new things we are passionate about as well as new fires lit for things we have always longed for. I know this year will bring so much for us. I can't wait to find out what exactly it is. You are the best husband. This is not a phrase I take lightly. I say it because it's the honest truth and quite simply it must be said. The Lord has given me the biggest blessing in this marriage-you. I love you, Kaleb James. 

I always think I'll run out of words each year and won't be able to do a post for his birthday or our anniversary, etc but then I always sit down to write about him and words flow out of me. Since this post is all about Kaleb James Hargrove I thought I would share 24 fun facts about him that you may not know. Just FYI I did this when he turned 21 so to be fair I won't post anything that's the same from that post. He has changed a lot in these last 3 years since we've been married and watching him change has been so fun for me.

1) He has an obsession with hole-in-the-wall places and doesn't want to eat at chain restaurants when we're in a new town.
2) He is a craft beer enthusiast.
3) He likes to home brew now because of that enthusiasm.
4) He loves anything Sci-Fi.
5) He loves to play golf but always comes back from playing and tells me how bad he is at it. Psh, men.
6) He makes a mean baked potato soup and it's the one dish I won't even try to make because he does such a good job with it.
7) German Chocolate Cake and Brownies are his favorite desserts.
8) He loves a good pair of khaki pants.
9) He's an Apple guy forced to live an Android life for the next year. Total bummer.
10) He is crazy in love with his son and can be seen engaging in some awesome tickle fights with him after getting home from work.
11) He is in school to be a pastor but it's slow going with his full time job and family.
12) He has many plans in his head to open a business.
13) He is very engaged in mine and Elijah's life (and one day Abigail's too no doubt). He doesn't just coast through when it comes to being a husband and father.
14) He has an amazing idea for a documentary and we often talk about what he wants it to look and be like.
15) His metabolism is ridiculous. He can be seen constantly eating but never gains any weight, lucky guy.
16) He owns a kilt.
17) He is a nerd in all forms and loves when he finds a fellow nerdy guy to be friends with.
18) He doesn't like the texture of yogurt and never eats it.
19) Star Wars. Nuff said.
20) He likes to baby wear.
21) He can play the guitar, bass, drums, and piano but the drums are still his main instrument
22) He loves his job and can often be seen with a popsicle in hand.
23) He has compassion for so many people and their burdens. I wish I was more like him in this area.
24) He doesn't want to settle for a comfortable Christian life. He yearns for deeper intimacy with the Lord and to walk in the supernatural.

Elijah has had sleep issues since he was about four months old. He's had seasons of sleeping in his crib on his own, taking great naps, putting himself to sleep, etc. But majority of the time we're like all of the other parents at 3am letting their toddler come into their bed because it's easier than fighting them to go back into their own. It's a routine now, honestly. I don't even notice it as I roll over and tell Kaleb that Elijah is crying. It's the same thing every night:

Go get Elijah from his bed-put him into ours
Go get his fan-plug it in our room
Grab his pillow-put it on our bed
Soothe him back to sleep-crash

And then every morning when Kaleb wakes up around 6am to get ready for work I roll out of bed, pee (as is the pregnant lady way), and go back to sleep on his side. I've noticed it every morning but for some reason this morning it stood out to me even more-Elijah was almost practically on Kaleb's pillow. I had to scoot him over to my side to finally squeeze in on Kaleb's. It's amazing what my husband tolerates all night long. He sacrifices his sleep so that Elijah and I are comfortable. The tiny amount of room he has makes me wonder how he doesn't fall off the bed most nights. It doesn't at all surprise me though, this is who Kaleb is. He sacrifices everything all the time. I know this is basically in the handbook of marriage but I can attest that their aren't many husbands who actually follow through with this sacred act of dying to their own time, money, and energy so their loved ones can have a great life.

He came home early from work today and helped me pack up the rest of the apartment. He didn't once ask for a moment of rest which would have been his right seeing as he works all day throughout the week. He just packed and joked with me. Strategizing our next box of dishes, washing the ones that were still in the sink, wrapping them up once they were dry, and then stacking that box on top of the mountain of other ones in our living room. He wears Elijah and keeps him entertained during Abby's appointments so that the doctors can focus on me and her. He picks up the annoying every day essentials like diapers and gallons of water even when he just got out of rush hour traffic. He slides into bed tired and worn out, counting the hours before Elijah wakes up again and still offers Abigail and I some prayer and snuggle time. His sacrificial love is the most beautiful kind of love I've ever had the chance of knowing.

That's Jesus.

Three years.

I have tried to write about my experience at Marriage Encounter as I said I would. I have also tried to write a Mother's Day post but the only post I want and need to write is the one I've typed up and deleted a few times in the last few weeks. This blog is my safe haven and my voice, it's my raw and vulnerable state where I love to be. No one likes sharing the awful and tragic parts of their life but this is my place to do it. So much freedom comes from writing it all down even if that means sharing it with the world or just sharing it with my small part of this world.

In 3 weeks Kaleb and I will be attending our first marriage conference. I'm not even sure if that's what it's really called. Conference, retreat? I'm not sure. AG Marriage Encounter will be in Dallas April 24-26 and we're going!!! I heard about it from a friend of mine who said many couples I know have went to it and had nothing but good things to say about it. We actually registered way back in January. There's only 40 spots so they fill up quite quickly and I didn't want to miss out. I don't know much about this conference except that it's suppose to give you an even better marriage than you already have. I don't know if they do small break out sessions or if you're in a big room with all of the other attendees the whole time. I don't know if you spend a lot of time alone with your spouse or if you have a lot of free time for discussions with other people. What I do know is Kaleb and I need this.

I quickly replied to the text without hesitation and told him I missed talking to him as well. We went from there and caught up a bit but our conversation was nothing like I had expected it to be. It was pathetic chatter between acquaintances instead of close friends. He told me he was always at camp and rarely had time to talk. Though he didn't ask I filled him in on my job at the daycare and how everyone was doing in San Angelo. After a few more texts were exchanged he told me he had to be up early the next day and that it had been good talking to me. It seemed forced but I was just happy he was talking to me again. Over the next month we exchanged a few more texts and a Facebook message before he finally returned to school for the fall semester. I knew he would be back in time for Rambunctious weekend but wasn't sure what day or time so I was constantly on the look out. I know I sound like a stalker (chick be cray) but I desperately wanted my friend back. I wanted to apologize and I wanted his life group guys to surround him again before he fell away completely. I was scared of losing him altogether.

I was serving sno cones at the organizational fair when I spotted him talking to some people from Chi Alpha. This was it! My friend was back! But he wasn't really back. Our conversation even in person was bleak and nothing like it use to be. I asked him if he would be at the first XA service of the semester in which he replied probably not. I knew it. He was slipping away. He was retreating back to this party boy demeanor and there was no saving him. He did his thing for the first 2 weeks of school and I left him alone. In the middle of my music class one day I got a text message from my boss saying that our AC was out at the daycare so I didn't have to come to work. I never got a day off during the week so I decided to text my friend Nate and see if he wanted to hang out. He had also been trying to stay in touch with Kaleb that summer and had invited him to his life group. Come to find out Nate had plans with Kaleb. I wiggled my way into those plans and Kaleb fell back a bit. Once he found out I would be hanging out with them he told Nate he could only hang out for an hour. PERFECT! An hour was all I needed to show him that I wasn't going to be the worst friend ever again. In my heart I knew Kaleb had every right to act the way he did. I was awful towards the end of the last semester. I wasn't the friend I should have been when he needed me to be so I had a lot of proving to do. I was right. An hour was all it took to get us back to at least a decent friendship.

We were inseparable again.



We picked up where we left off almost instantly. I did laundry for free at his dorm and he considered my apartment and roommates his second home. The constant flirting was ridiculous, too.  I mean really how often do you need to brush arms with the guy you like before they finally hold your hand?? Geez. On a camping trip we went on with Chi Alpha Kaleb confessed his love for me. Yep. Again, we were "just friends" and he told me he loved me for the first time. I didn't say it back for lots of reasons and I even tried to make him take it back but he wouldn't. He was honest. He was in love with his best friend and I cared deeply for him as well. It was official after that; we were an item. It was a while later before my feelings caught up with his but I did in the end find myself loving him as well. Kaleb never wavered with his feelings towards me. I didn't feel the same at the exact same time as him but he never took back those words. He simply waited for me to feel the same and that's part of the reason I loved him so much. Our relationship wasn't cookie cutter. It didn't go the way I thought it would. It fell into place at the oddest times but looking back on it all now I can see the beauty in all of the timing.



And the rest is history. A proposal 4 months later, a wedding 7 months after that, and a baby one year after that...we move fast, y'all. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

So to you, my forever Valentine, I say thank you for always going against the normal and moving at your own pace. Loving you is so easy and beating the odds with you is even easier. A few years is only a scratch on the surface of what our life together is going to be. I love you. 

February turned into March and we were both getting ready to go on our first missions trip. He was going on one with Chi Alpha and I was going on one with the BSM. Mine would take up the entire week of Spring Break so we hung out as much as we could before leaving. At this point we had no intention of dating and I was beginning to consider Kaleb to be one of my best friends. A few nights before I left for South Padre Kaleb kissed me. We shared our first kiss when we were just friends and it was a game changer for me. Yea he's pretty bold, y'all. I thought it was no big deal at first but then I went away for a week, came back, and I realized how much I liked him. He had been praying for my trip to go well while I was away and didn't communicate with me much so I could focus. We had one phone call in the middle of the week right before one of my late shifts on the van rides in Padre. He told me he had went to church that night with his dad while he was back home and that his dad had a very real moment with the Lord. Kaleb told me it looked a lot like his dad had rededicated his life to Christ. I could hear the excitement and pure joy in his voice. Kaleb was happy with life in general and though I didn't want to, I decided to stay quiet about my feelings. We met for lunch in the UC the morning after I returned from Padre and conversed about the kiss. We talked about what it meant but we landed on just friends once again.

On April 12, 2011 at 8am I woke up to a phone call from Kaleb telling me his dad had passed away. I skipped my classes that morning and made my way across campus to be with him. His friend Joey and I stayed with him in his dorm while he waited on his mom and step dad to pick him up from campus and bring him back to Kerrville. I walked around in a daze for the rest of the day waiting for Kaleb to call me and give me the details. I'd never seen him like that before. This was new territory for our friendship. Later that night he told me the story and the details of the funeral which a few of us from Chi Alpha attended later that week. He came back to school and everything was different. He was cold towards me most of the time and I wasn't as understanding as I should have been so most of our conversations ended in fights. I could tell he was frozen in time. He went through the motions with school and church and life group but he wasn't fully there. His dads sudden passing really shook his faith to its very core. The week before school was over he went on a date with someone. I was broken. I knew he shouldn't be dating so soon after his dad had passed away but I was also very heartbroken that it wasn't me he was dating. The feelings that I pushed down had finally rose up out of me and it was all at the worst time. There was no time, really. I was getting ready to move into my first apartment and Kaleb was getting ready to move back home for the summer. The night before he left we saw each other at the lake (those XA hang outs were so random). We talked about his date and instead of telling him flat out that I liked him, I danced around the subject for a good hour or two until it ended in tears from me and yelling from him. He sped off from the lake and that was it.



I moved into my first apartment and decided that summer to let Kaleb deal with everything on his own. I was getting in the way and I wasn't being fair to him. I struggled with this greatly. I wanted my best friend back but above everything I wanted to be more than friends. It felt like I had missed my chance all together and I was scared he was slipping away from everything. From God, school, his friends in Chi Alpha. I tried "dating" someone else but that was a bust from the beginning for many reasons and one of the biggest being how I felt about Kaleb. He worked at a camp that summer so he wasn't online much. I stalked his Facebook page everyday praying for a glimpse into his life through a status or picture. When he would post something it was usually about camp. I would see girls tag him in things and post to his wall and I just grew more aware of the fact that I really did miss my chance. I let myself fall into work and prepared for my first semester as a Life Group leader for Chi Alpha. About a month before school started I got a text message from a random number. I had switched phones a few weeks prior so I didn't have many people saved in my contacts yet. It was an area code I recognized and the single text instantly told me who it was-"I miss talking to you."







(to be continued.)

For our 2 year anniversary I shared the story of how we met and in that post I said though it may be hard I would try and share our dating story. Our dating story is sweet and tragic and sometimes it's not the most fun thing to share but we're nearing the 3 year mark of our wedding anniversary and just passed the 4 year mark of when we met so it's been stirring in me to get it all down on my blog. I'll split it into 3 parts because it's just too long to share on one entire entry.

I'm dreaming of my village today.

I don't have one yet but I can feel it coming. Count yourself lucky if you've already found yours. Even if yours is in the making, count yourself so blessed!

I'm dreaming of it today because today is hard. Kaleb will be away all day. 9am-3pm for some training and then 5pm-1am for work. Tomorrow will be the same and then Saturday we go back to normal but these next two days are going to be hard and I know that my village would be very good on days like these. After all, that's what the village is meant for. Women lending helping hands, praying as the transitions begin, offering wisdom and listening ears on new stages, sharing encouragement for all of it.

I am longing for that as Kaleb and I get closer to the new chapters. I long for a pastors wife to remind me that this season of Kaleb being in school is only for a short time and that I am actively helping by taking care of everything else while he works and does his school work. Because sometimes it doesn't feel like I'm making much of a difference while he's working so hard. I long for a more seasoned mama to tell me that it's ok that we're not trying for another baby just yet. I need her to tell me that though my womb is aching we're making smart moves by waiting a while longer. Not much longer but still a little while. And then I need that same mama to share her wisdom with me when it is time to grow our family. I long for women in ministry to remind me that this is my ministry too. That wherever we land (college, young adult, youth ministry) that I'm a part of it, too. And more importantly I need someone who has seen much redemption in their lives to remind me that God has given me victory over so much and that He will continue to complete His good work even when I fall short.

My village. My community of women.
Waiting for you.

****EDIT****

Today was even harder than I anticipated originally. Elijah spiked a 102 fever and was very lethargic. Kaleb had to come home after an hour of being at work and take us to Urgent Care. See. Village. I needed them today. Alas, it's forming up around me. Soon.

So thankful that Emily P. Freeman decided to do another link-up that I actually read about it when it happened. I usually catch them a few days late and then forget about them. The last one I did was the letter to my 17 year old self. Wow. That one holds so much for me. So I'm catching this one before it disappears on me. A few things I learned in 2014.

I haven't really been able to breathe for a while now. Ever since Kaleb applied for the supervisor position at his job I haven't caught my breath. I've held it in waiting for an interview. He had his interview and I gasped and held it in again waiting for the next interview that never came. He got the email a couple of weeks ago saying he didn't get the job and I held my breath still...waiting for some divine miracle to show up. Whether it was in the form of his superiors saying they made a mistake or the person that they offered the job to somehow declining their offer. I have no idea what it was but I just kept holding my breath. Well, this is me finally breathing. I have typed up a completely different blog that I was going to post a week ago about this but I couldn't. I still wasn't breathing. I was still secretly hoping for that miracle that I felt we deserved somehow. I was angry and confused but nothing I felt compared to how Kaleb felt. He had worked so hard for this.