The Hargrove Home

I've typed up 3 posts in the last 2 weeks and I have deleted every single one of them. This is the creative process with writing normally but for me I'm always scared of the words that could be said back to my posts. Lately, I've been dealing with a lot of negative feedback when spilling out my heart. It hurts. Sometimes it's in response to a blog I've written, other times it's something I've done or said. Though I'm sure this was no one's intentions I feel very unsafe when speaking my heart now. Something I hope everyone understands about my blog is this-I am not a professional writer. I do not get paid for this. I don't have a quota of blogs written that has to be met each week. This is my sanctuary. This is the place I go to write out my heart, understand better what God is trying to say to me, and even to be wrong at times. But that being said this blog is mine. It's my own heart being spilled out through constant key strokes and sometimes even tears. My words are not wrong or right they are just mine. They are my opinions and thoughts usually scattered out over multiple posts.

I am not a theologian. I do not understand many verses in the Bible though I try my best to seek what God is trying to tell me through scripture. I am not a counselor. I cannot fix your problems through my blog but I can listen if you ever need a friend. I am not a preacher. I can't spout my testimony, pair it with wisdom, and expect you to get saved or even to understand just how ashamed I am of who I use to be. I am just a wife and a mama trying to learn how to be a Kingdom woman and how I can better serve my God and my family.

So, I will no longer be sharing my posts via Facebook. I will share my posts containing updates of Elijah for family but all other posts will only be written, never shared. If you would like to subscribe to my blog you most definitely can keep up with my family and my heart through that. This is not a bad thing in my opinion. I shouldn't force anyones curiosity by sharing my blog via social media networks. I, personally, think this is a good thing. Its a new season for my writing. And if you enjoy taking a look into my heart, hit that subscribe button. I don't mind one bit. Thanks for reading!

GO

Together
Because I am never truly alone

Together with You, My King is where my heart finds truth
You deal with me in ways only I can understand.

I say deal because I am stubborn but when You speak I am instantly brought to my knees in an attempt to understand what it means to really demonstrate sacrificial love. I'm trying to show it to my sweet baby. But I will never learn this on my own.

Together.

Together You take my husbands hand and mine and help us lead this life you've entrusted us with. Together we are three. You lead, we trail a bit behind, and then behind us is Elijah. We gave him a strong name for a reason. Savior, together is the only way we can do this.

Together my husband and I will fight to know You more, to hear Your voice, to understand Your word in hopes that we can show Elijah Your grace.

Because one day he will not walk with us, he will walk with You. And You and him will be together.

My boy is 3 months old! This is such a huge milestone for me personally because all of my breastfeeding mama's told me everything would be easier once the 3 month mark hit and they were so right! Nursing has been going so well for Elijah and I. It really is like second nature now and I'm very proud of us for making it to the 3 month mark. I'm even proud of Kaleb! He's been my biggest supporter and encourager through this whole experience and I love him for having my back and telling me I could do it. But along with easier nursing came a spike in his acid reflux. It got worse last week so his pediatrician changed his medicine to Nexium. He's been on it for a couple of days so far and I believe all is well. We had a little scare the other day but I think that was just new parent anxiety getting the best of us. He's a trooper, my boy! At 3 months Elijah is...

• Still sleeping a 4-5 hour stretch at the beginning of the night (occasionally he trips us up and wakes every 2 hours)
• Grabbing toys on his play mat and bringing them to his mouth so he can chew on them
• He finally has a favorite toy! He loves his ball. Like, LOVES it.
• Rolls over from tummy to back and back to tummy but no double roll yet
• Chats CONSTANTLY. He loves to tell stories
• He has discovered Kaleb's beard and my hair and likes to pull on them all the time
• He is in 3m-6m clothes
• He has discovered his hands and is always sucking on them
• He kicks his feet up and touches them when he's on his back but hasn't quite discovered them yet
• He likes to stroke my face and arm while I rock him

There's a picture going around my news feed. Maybe you saw me share it on Instagram?

Yea. That's the one.

This was still fresh in my mind when I picked up Elijah from his cradle this morning. He smiled up at me as he saw my head appear above him. I went through my usual greeting with him.

"Hi bud. Good morning. Oh goodness you're so handsome. Did you sleep well? Hey. Hey baby."

I picked him up, kissed the smile that was still lighting up the room, and then crawled into bed to nurse him. As I nursed him, I wept. Since Elijah has been born I haven't really thought about my baby in Heaven very much. I felt guilty. I should be thinking about that baby more. But who can blame me? My other baby is finally here and in my arms. It's not that I had forgot about my other one. I've just been enjoying my time with my son.

The guilt washed away.

I got on facebook and saw that more of my friends had shared this photo. Can I just say how refreshing it is that women I know are being open about their loss. It's beautiful, really. I mean look at that statistic. 1 in 4. It's actually pretty common so I'm glad everyone can talk about it openly. But it took years of living in San Angelo before I talked about it with others. It even took a lot in me to share that picture on Instagram. Why? Simple. I'm embarrassed. My miscarriage, unlike my friends, happened in high school with a boy I obviously wasn't married too. And sometimes I let the fact that this happened during my Ungodly life overpower the real issue at hand. I lost a baby. I lost what would have been my first baby. The other stuff doesn't matter. Loss is loss. I think that deserves to be typed again. Loss is loss. No matter which way you flip it or spin it or tell it or experience it.

I stepped out of the shadows last year around this time actually and wrote my first blog containing my miscarriage. It was hard. It was painful. It was real. And the responses I got were nothing short of loving. I don't know why for a moment I thought this would be any different.

So, to my baby in heaven- I know your name and your gender but I won't say them here. I'll keep them locked safely in my heart. I want you to know that you have a little brother and that I didn't forget that this May you would have been 6 years old. I bet you would have lit up a room with your smile the same way Elijah does. I know Jesus is taking care of you. He promised me long ago that He would. You have a little sister, too.  She was actually born a couple of weeks after your brother was. How weird is that? But still pretty cool at the same time. She has the cutest, chubbiest cheeks you could ever squeeze and Elijah has some awesome leg chunk that you could totally chew on. I want you to know that you would have been very loved here. You would have had 2 really great families. I love you, my dearest one. And one day I will meet you. I will hold you and kiss you and cuddle you tight. I promise.

My baby's 2 month update-

I never used that word so much until this last week. I haven't actually said it out loud but in my head this word reigns lately.

Inadequate

Last Thursday was a special night. A group of women from my church gathered at a friend's house and had a sweet get together with our OBGYN. Yes, we all have the same one. She comes highly recommended in our church. Of the 7 of us Dr. Coronado has delivered 5 of our babies, will hopefully deliver 1 on the way, and has been an amazing inspiration to our girl who is trying to get pregnant. All in all she's amazing and we all love her dearly. I mean really...who hangs out with their OBGYN? We do! Listening to the women around me speak brought that word to my mind.

"I am inadequate. I can't compare with these women. I can't do motherhood as beautifully as they do. I don't measure up."

I'm the youngest of these women. I've been married the shortest amount of time. I'm the newest mama. All of these things make me inexperienced in most ways. After Dr. Coronado left we stayed and chatted. It was nice and it was needed. They talked with me about a lot of the changes and new struggles within the Hargrove home. I cried, they listened, and they offered wisdom. The more we chatted the more that word started to fade. It's not that I don't measure up, it's that I'm learning. I'm walking along this newly paved path holding my husbands hand and carrying our baby and Jesus...He walks in front of us. These women are a gift to me. They have taught me so much in these last 2 months of being a mom then I could have ever asked for.

Satan is truly the father of lies and he tries to speak this lie specifically to me all the time but I am enough. I am adequate. I'm doing a great job. He can never take away from who God says I am. He says I am a mom and there is power in that role. True, discipling, loving power. I love my family, my mama's, and more importantly my King. What a sweet King He is and what an amazing life He has blessed me with. I'm beyond grateful.

Today I attend life group for the first time in two years instead of leading one.

Bittersweet.

I am so excited though because my BEST FRIEND is leading the life group I will be attending. For the last 2 years she was in my life group, loving Jesus, loving my girls, and she was always longing. Longing to share and learn. I remember a specific moment on my couch at 3 am when she opened up her life to me. She let me in to a part of her heart that not many people got to see. She was embarrassed and scared of sharing her secrets with me but little did she know at that time thats exactly what a life group leader longs for. Those early morning/late night conversations where one of their girls/guys opens up a part of their heart to you, showing you how much they trust you. Whitney, my best friend, gets to learn that this year. She will get many moments like the one she shared with me. I'm excited to watch her grow her life group girls like she watched me do for the last 2 years.

I'm passing the Paton when I thought I would be running the race next to her. I had planned during my whole pregnancy to still be leading a life group but as any mama knows nothing goes according to plan. I've had to adjust many plans and then go with the flow. It's...tough. BUT I'm still discipling a few of my sweet girls as well as my precious baby boy. My life is good, folks. So good! It's hectic and crazy but it's wonderful. The one thing that will make it that much better is being in Whitney's life group, sharing life with her girls. I can't wait for tonight! I've got a bottle pumped and ready to go so Kaleb can be with Elijah while I have some much needed girl time.

I've covered tonight in prayer, believing God for good things to come and for her girls to all be specifically placed in her life group. Now, I get to watch her go!

Ready...set...