The Hargrove Home

There are so many things I want to do in life. I want to travel to India and adopt a little girl. I want to sip coffee outside a sweet cafe in France. I want to get so caught up playing outside with my family that even the rain doesn't make us go inside. I want to sing on stage again and really let my voice soar to Heaven. I want to learn how to play the guitar and the piano. I want to read the entire Bible but not set a time limit to it. I want to re live my honeymoon with Kaleb. I want to tell college students about Jesus right in the middle of a secular campus. I want to meet a single mom and clean her house just so she can see the love of Christ. But above most everything I want a life long friend. Don't misunderstand me here-I have lots of close friends. TONS! Some of the most amazing women I've ever met. But I don't have that one friend who needs me as much as I need her. Maybe this sounds…ridiculous? But I think as women, if we're dead honest, we know how this feels. If you have that friend you know how important her friendship is and if you don't you long for it.

So many things, so little time….right?

Not for this.

I struggle with friendships. I really do. They're tough and messy. They're encouraging and painful. They're needed yet widely unwanted most days. My absolute favorite thing is to sit in my living room with a cup of coffee (or hot tea) and chat with a friend for hours. I love the feeling of catching up with a friend you haven't seen in a while. You have months worth of things to tell them and you're both stumbling over your words to make sure you tell them everything before your limited time is up. Even better, I love catching up with someone you just saw a week or two ago. The catching up doesn't take very long and then you get to move on to true fellowship. Discussing Jesus' goodness, what verse has been stuck in your heart lately, the sweet thing your husband did yesterday, the crazy thing your kids did after dinner, etc.

Needed. Messy. Encouraging.
All of the above.

Being a stay at home mom has really shown me a lot about friendships. Weird, but not surprising. When I don't have the access to a campus or a classroom how do I find the friendships I long for? It was so easy when I was a childless, unmarried, student. I could walk into the library and meet 4 new people before I ever had a chance to sit down and study. It was so easy that I took it for granted. Now that I'm busy, married, and have a baby I see how hard it is to be intentional. I don't want to bother the other busy moms but I feel like I will bore my single or even newly wed friends. There's this reoccurring dream I keep having. It looks a lot like this-

Single women, married women, new moms, moms with lots of kids, and even empty nesters…all gathered in someones back yard…drinking sweet tea and laughing while children play near by…vulnerability is laid out on the table and someone cries….which leads us all to tears as she shares her heart….someone stands up and moves to her…laying hands on her, we all get up and mirror her move…we're laying hands and praying…we're crying and laughing….community.

This kind of reminds me of what life groups look like except with all ages and lots of kids. That life long friend I want so badly doesn't mean I'll find them now. I keep thinking I'm running out of time but not all of us are as lucky as my sister, Charlotte, who found her best friend when she was in 7th grade and now almost 15 years later they're still going strong. I hope that in this time I can learn what it means to be a true friend. I want to be humbling and remember that friendships have seasons. I want to fight past the stinging cold and hold on until the end.

I guess I want all of things.

8 months, y'all! I'll get straight to it-

• Haven't been to the doctor lately so I assume his heighth and weight are the same
• Eats everything except for eggs, honey, and sweets
• Favorite food: pasta 
• Wearing 9m-12m clothes
• Yells "ba-ba-ba-ba" all day long
• Learning to say dada and mama but not quite there yet
• Crawls
• Sit's up by himself
• Reaches up but doesn't pull himself up yet
• Pushes up on everything
• Very mischevious
• Still cloth diapered part time but just a few dipes away from being full time
• Breastfeeds every 3-4 hours now
• Now has 7 teeth
• Still gets his Nexium (acid reflux medicine) every morning
• Down to 2 night feedings

Elijah just recently got over his first ear infection, a double ear infection at that. It was honestly hard to deal with for 2-3 days (partly because he was cutting 2 more teeth) and then he seemed like he never had anything wrong with him. Now I just hope it stays gone. No more sickie, please! He gets to attend his first birthday party this Friday! Our sweet friends youngest daughter is turning one! How fun! And since that will be the last time we travel for the next month or longer we will be starting CIO again that night. Praying we don't completely mess it up this time by going out of town or giving in to old habits. He went down to 2 night feedings all by himself so I think this transition will be a lot smoother than it was 2 months ago. Before we move to Fort Worth I want to have him completely sleeping in his crib for bed time and nap times WITHOUT crying. 

These next couple of months will bring so much excitement and change for our family. In April, I'll turn 23 (and my parents and sister are coming up for my birthday weekend), Elijah will have his first Easter, the JBF sale will be in town, AND my in laws are throwing their annual crawfish cook out/broil. I'm not sure which one it is. Sorry, Michell and Kirk! At the end of May we will be taking a trip to Fort Worth to look at houses that are for rent. We've discussed buying a house since we know that we will be in FW for quite a while but we don't want to rush a decision that big so for now we'll be renting a house. Then, of course, in June we will be moving. Oh! How could I forget? Our sweet friends Caleb and Kaitlin are getting married in June and they asked us if Elijah could be their ring bearer. My baby in a wedding?! Uh, DUH! I'm so excited! It's going to be a beautiful wedding and the fact that both of my handsome guys are in it (Kaleb's a groomsmen) just makes me more excited.

Do you ever feel frozen when you begin to think about your to-do list? Especially if a move is involved? I've never made a move this big. Even when I moved from Fort Worth to San Angelo I was only moving into a dorm so all of my stuff fit into the back of my dad's truck. This is so different! We're moving our entire 3 bdrm/2bth apartment 4 hours away. *sigh* The amount of organization this move will require is ridiculous. I can't toss all of our clothes that hang in the closet in the backseat of our car and drive down the street to our new home. Nope! I actually have to pack up every. single. thing. Oy. Still, the move is 4 months away so I don't have to start packing just yet.

Does anyone have any good moving tips? Organizing your boxes, different ways to pack, easier routes to take instead of just boxes….? Anything will help!

Elijah's sick. His first time being sick ever. This is some sort of milestone, right? Maybe that's not the right word. A right of passage for me as the mama? Sure, it feels like it at least. I've never actually felt so helpless since he's been born. I'm putting saline drops in his nose, propping his head up when he sleeps, nursing him "up hill", etc but there's really nothing I can do to actually fix this. It's a common cold that must run its course. Last night was pretty awful. He woke up as much as normal but could hardly nurse so he wasn't able to go back to sleep as fast. Somewhere around 4 am when Elijah literally refused to nurse (shook his head every time I offered) I laid him back down on the pillow and Kaleb and I listened to him cry. There was nothing else we could do. He didn't want us to touch him, he didn't want to nurse, he didn't want his soothie. He just cried.

There it was. The picture clearly set before me in the form of my son and his cold. Funny how God speaks to mama's in the wee hours of the morning. This seemed familiar to me though the resemblance would have been hard for anyone else to see.

This looks like the moment I gave up.

Curled on the bathroom floor in my dorm, crying, sick, letting the night spill out and roll down the curves of my face. I didn't want it. Any of it. The life I was living, the way I felt night after night when all of the bad decisions were made and all I could do was hope that I had finally learned my lesson but knowing deep down that I hadn't. I felt the comfort and the peace trying to rush upon me but I shook my head in an act of refusal to feel better. He offered and I rejected time and time again. Sure, yea, God could have snapped His fingers and made my heart change before I could even pick myself up off the floor but how would I have learned? I had to want the change. I had to embrace him and decide to live differently. And I did not long after that night but how I got there is what makes it a testimony of how good my King actually is.

Sometimes I lose my patience with others especially when I'm the one discipling them or trying to at least (now I know how all the women felt who were trying to disciple me in my early years). I forget just how long it took me to reach back and finally allow God to fill me up. I forget the different moments that had to happen for me to finally see that it wasn't worth it. I think He also gently reminded me of this because it's so easy for me to forget how far I've actually come and how much work He is still doing. Even tonight I noticed it. When we were walking around Target I went straight to the swimsuit section and started looking at some very tasteful and cute one piece suits. I've never done that before. Modesty is a new territory for me in which I hadn't embraced until after Elijah was born. It wasn't something I strived toward when I first started my walk and I see that more and more as my life shifts and changes; He teaches me new things every day. In the moments that I'm still enough to listen, He speaks. In the moments of true surrender, He molds. They aren't as close together as I should allow them to be but they happen. And so I remember to walk this out, these thoughts and desires. I remember to walk and not run sometimes because

You can't rush greatness. 

Woah! We are now closer to the 1 year mark than we are if we back tracked to the day he was born. This precious little chunk has only been on this earth for 7 months but it feels like I never had a life before him. Sure I remember fondly the times I slept for hours upon hours without any interupptions and when Kaleb and I were able to enjoy a meal at restaurant without having to give up and take our meals to-go. But (and I think all parents would agree with  me) though those times were nice, they're nothing compared to the times with my baby. So at 7 months this is my guy-

• 20 lbs of deliciousness
• Still breastfed but eating fruits and veggies as well
• Apple sauce is his favorite 
• Still napping for 30 minutes at a time and waking every 2 hours at night
• He officially learned how to sit up by himself today
• He inch worms across the floor but not without getting on all 4's first and trying to crawl
• We are still doing cloth diapers part time (still trying to build my stash)
• He is super chatty and always sounds like he's trying to say "dada"
• I've started wearing him more and he is definitely a fan
• He still goes in the nursery at church but usually doesn't last very long before he misses me
• Still only has the bottom 4 teeth but is working hard on cutting his top 2
• Still gets his Nexium (reflux medicine) every day but does well if he goes without it for a couple of days
• He is in 9m-12m clothes. Most of the 12m stuff that fits him are t shirts, the rest of his clothes are all 9m
• His new way of falling asleep (besides being held) is holding one of his ears. So cute!
• He loves to be naked. Like, it's a little ridiculous. He could be a crying mess and the second we undress him and take his diaper off he's the happiest little baby in the world. 
• He is very ticklish! His back, underarms, and recently we've found that his feet are also ticklish.

His 6 month post told of our sleep training journey. There isn't much to tell on that other then we stopped because we thought he might be sick (he wasn't) and then kind of messed it up by reverting back to his old habits. We will be doing CIO again but for now we're back to no sleep in the Hargrove home. I am way tired but man he is cute! Just look at this face!

I haven't made this "blog public" or even Facebook public for that matter mostly because I wanted to be 110% sure it would even happen but I'm not 110% sure; I'm only 90% sure (which is good enough for me). The Hargrove's are (trying to) move to Fort Worth. We've been discussing it since before Elijah was born but we weren't sure if it was the right move for us, if we had the finances, if it was really worth it, etc. Kaleb has been training at his job to be in a higher position, however, since there is only 1 Sam's Club here in good ole' Angelo he can't obtain that position because it's already filled. In Fort Worth there are a bajillion Sam's. In fact, there is a new one opening in Burleson. We're praying extra hard that he can be a supervisor for the demo's in one of the many Sam's there. Do we want to leave Angelo? Meh. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. The hardest thing for us will be leaving SAF. I can't even let myself think about it for too long because my heart hurts. But is it the smartest move for us? Yes, it's definitely starting to look that way. 2014 could be the year we get out of debt and that's more likely to happen if Kaleb could get this position. Our lease is up at the end of June so that's our time frame. Kaleb can apply to various locations, we can check on houses, and hopefully if everything works out we can get ready to make that 4 hour move. And in the midst of all of this I plan on throwing Elijah's first birthday party almost an entire month before his actual birthday because I'm determined to have all of his sweet baby friends a part of that celebration before we move.

So, there it is out in the open for all of the social media to read and if it doesn't happen it's going to be annoying to have to type that blog so I'm asking for prayers. Lots and lots of prayers that this works out for my family. Like many of my blogs have stated over the last 7 months-this has been the absolute hardest season we've ever been in. I stopped working to stay home with Elijah and Kaleb became the main provider. We've struggled to pay bills and keep groceries in the cabinets and with the paychecks that didn't go directly to bills we've had our battery go out in our car and tickets to pay off but Spring is coming. Spring. Is. Coming. The season where new life blooms is coming for us. I can see the sun and feel the warm breeze. God has been more than faithful through these rough months and our faith has rooted deeper because of the trials and tribulations. Most days it hasn't felt like it but when the light has broken through on the gray mornings I can see it. The roots, they're there.

I just got done rocking Elijah. We've been doing CIO at night now for a couple of weeks so we've just recently started CIO for naps. I really love rocking him. It's a sweet time for both mommy and son where I sing until his eyes are closed and then I usually hum for a bit longer and lay him down but this time I just rocked him in silence and decided it was a good time to pray. I didn't pray out loud but Elijah was surprisingly calm and quiet the whole time I talked to Jesus. Maybe he just knew. I told the Lord that I needed to break this habit and I needed to break it bad. I compare myself too much to other moms.

  "No other moms have this much issue with their kids sleep and they definitely don't feel as burdened as I do about it. Whats wrong with me? Am I just a whiney, annoying new mom?"

And then I felt this wave of sympathy rush over me like He understood and I don't know why that surprises me still. He understands every emotion I've ever felt and since He created my inmost being He gets me. He gets it. All of it. Every time I'm forced to hold Elijah while he naps, I usually cry. I don't want to be naive here-babies don't usually love sleep. But every nap, every day, 7 days a week I sit on the left hand corner of our couch with a pillow propping up my elbow and hold Elijah while he sleeps. And I cry and usually plead with God for a miracle but I never really pray. I feel selfish like I shouldn't pray for him to sleep in his crib. I feel silly and ridiculous so I don't pray about it a lot unless it's in the form of begging. But this time I did. As I was trying to get him calm enough to lay him down in his crib so we could start this CIO process for nap time I decided I needed to pray. And what came next just shows how sweet God is and how much He hurts with us when we're hurting.

He reminded me of Matthew 11:28 which says "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."