The Hargrove Home

Kaleb and I are learning how to live off just his paycheck since next week is my last week watching the babies and one of my last paychecks come's next week as well. So, it's difficult. I don't like to discuss our finances with people. Any of it. How much we make, how much our bills are, etc. But I will say that we have been living just fine. Never hurting for anything or struggling. We moved to the apartment to help downsize our bills and life has been good especially with so many people giving us stuff for Elijah. Life has just been...good.

Dear Elijah,

Tomorrow would be the day your mama walked across the stage at Angelo State University and received a piece of paper declaring the hard work and hours she put it in to get specific education in a specific subject. This piece of paper, called a degree, would allow mama to teach the subject or to work within it's field. But mama will not be getting that piece of paper, son. I went to ASU for 2 years and then realized my calling in ministry and my inability to afford school and life on my own. It would be a lie to say I'm completely content with my decision. Some days it's hard and other days i'm perfectly fine with not being in school. Daddy will get his pastoral degree through an online university but at least he'll have a degree of some sort. I feel intimidated sometimes but then I remember where my heart is happiest and that sweet boy is with children and sharing my life with women in ministry.

You don't have to go to college. Yes, I said it. You don't HAVE to. It's something your dad and I have already discussed. Never think less of yourself if you choose not to. Always, always look for Kingdom work, Eli. Your personal Kingdom's work could be in a classroom teaching students or in a social work office helping in CPS situations. Whatever it looks like for you, do it. If your Kingdom work doesn't require a degree that's ok. You are my Kingdom's work. On the days you will scream for hours and not sleep (because yes, I know that day will come) I will remember that staying home with you and not sending you off to a daycare from 7 am-5 pm means I'm raising you. Raising you, praying over you, loving you, teaching you, cuddling you, feeding you...these are all things that seem simple but when really looked into-it's Kingdom work. Yes, I wish I was walking across the stage with the rest of my peers tomorrow BUT I am not at all sad or regretting your timing in anyway. You are Kingdom work. So is being a wife and a life group leader. So is being a teacher, a pastor, a nurse, a fire fighter, a cleaning lady, a graphic designer, and even an entrepreneur. If your soul's purpose is to glorify God in your life than your job is Kingdom work.

Always look for the Kingdom's work before looking for success. The crown is yours but never forget whose feet you will lay it at.

Love you always,
Mama

With my due date 10 weeks away I am in MAJOR nesting mode and I have to resist it. I'm trying to wait until June to start getting things prepared for him because that's when I will be done watching all of the babies. It just makes sense in my head I guess to wait until I will officially have nothing to do for a whole month to start on my "Elijah list." I have compiled this list from other mama's suggestions and blogs I have read on preparing for the baby. Here's my list (feel free to suggest more stuff I could add)-

She ruined me.

Absolutely ruined my heart and everything I've come to "know" and let my life be like this year. She ruined my heart for this slump, for this season of dying.

Saturday night driving to Cafe Brazil with my husband and our favorite friends I leaned back against the seat taking in Amy Hauck's words.

Culture of honor

Breathing it in and knowing I don't do this enough. I don't honor my leadership family, my husband, my friends, my life group...not the way I should. Not as often as I should. I said out loud in the car this statement-"I feel like I'm crawling from Wednesday night to Wednesday night." And I do. I feel like I'm allowing church and Chi Alpha services to fill me enough just to make it to Wednesday night for my life group. Instead of letting myself fill to the brim and spill over with God's word and His love, I fill up and pour out. Fill up and pour out over my girls not leaving enough left over for everyone else, myself included. Which leads to this dishonoring that can come shooting from my tongue and to be honest, from my eyes as well. Words spoken to my husband about our friends that only he will ever know and it's gross. Yes, gross is the word I'm choosing. I feel the sour taste on my tongue after I've said these things. I can feel the sickness rise from my belly into my throat as if I'll choke on the words but I never do.

Our pastor apologized for this very thing but I wonder if he knows that he's not the only one. Our entire leadership family is guilty of this. I'm sure everyone in our ministry is guilty of this but I can't be justified. This isn't a justifiable act. I think it's a huge reason so many of us have watched people leave Chi Alpha and our life group's this past year. Why would they stay when they feel unsafe? Amy Hauck said this weekend that we have to make baby Christians feel safe. I don't think my words have made many people safe. And for anyone who reads this-I'm so very sorry. If you're a leader, you are my family and I promise to treat you more like that and to honor you and to have your back. I really am with you heart and soul. To members of Chi Alpha, I hope I have never said anything to hurt or offend you. If I have I need your forgiveness. If you're staff/staff wife, I look up to you more than I let on. When you correct me I am thankful. I am so sorry for ever speaking negatively about you. I love you. I love you more than words can describe. Thank you for pouring out all you have over this ministry, over this team, and over my husband and I.

"It's a new season. It's a new season. The old has passed away. The old has passed away. Cause He makes us come alive. He makes us come alive."

Dear Elijah,

Is it really 12 weeks until you're here? That doesn't sound right. It seems like last week I was holding the pregnancy test in my hand, feeling my stomach drop, and hugging your dad with joyful tears in both of our eyes. I mean really? Only 12 more weeks? Is it seriously the middle of April? My head can't wrap around these truths but my heart sure can. I am ready for Sunday morning snuggles before getting us both ready for church. And yes, I'm "ready" for the 2 am, 4 am, 6 am, etc. feedings. But honestly how do you prepare for something you've never experienced? Well son, I believe you prepare by prayer (and research of course) but when research doesn't give you the hard honesty you're looking for than prayer is the only way to prepare in my opinion. So many pre conceived thoughts have changed since the beginning of this pregnancy. Natural birth, doulas, a birthing tub (that I can't actually deliver you in), you sleeping in our room, homeschool (that's a long time from now and still up for discussion with your father)....these were all things I had never even considered until you became our reality. I am so excited though!

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm scared. I'm not scared (yet), I'm just nervous. Very nervous for your arrival. Nervous for what comes after. Nervous about your health. Nervous about the first time we'll be alone together while daddy is at work. The many thoughts that race through a new mother's mind as she tries and sleep. Oh! We were blessed with another bag of clothes for you last night. You're more loved than you know, son. It even surprises me at times. And just to warn you-You will probably be passed around a lot when you first get here. Don't freak out. You'll be returned safely to mama's arms after everyone gets to see how handsome you are. Sorry for no words of wisdom in this letter. Just the ramblings of an overly anxious and excited mama for her new babe. I love you more than words can describe little man.

Love,
Mama

And just for fun-

                                                                        10 weeks

I have not had a spiritual moment alone to truly maul this over but if my vision is my passion then it has never changed. My passion in ministry and specifically in life group has always been the same but I think next year it will be tweaked a bit because my heart has grown in different areas. Oh, yea! Did I mention?! That decision that had to be made about leading a life group again next year has been decided. Kaleb and I talked about it (in which I found out he wanted me to lead again all along) last night and decided I can do both. I can be a stay at home mama and still lead a life group and still participate in leadership for XA and still serve God the way I have been called to serve Him.

I am stoked!

There was a deep sadness, an emptiness almost that would wash over me every time I would seriously consider not leading a life group next year but now that we have landed on this decision I am joyous! My heart is overflowing again. Now, granted it will be tough at first. Kaleb and I have talked about what next year will look like leading life group's on separate nights so the other one can stay with Elijah but it's completely doable. And I imagine some nights will be rough. When I've had 0 sleep and a fussy baby to deal with all day but why does that automatically equal a cancelled life group? It doesn't. If anything it's real. We're suppose to be sharing life with these men and women not pouring glitter on our own life to make sure our's sparkle so we can fix theirs. No, no.

Sharing life to me looks like (and this is my vision) women honestly seeking the Lord but sharing their failures and struggles along the way. I want to be able to sit down with my life group and ask them to pray over me just as much as they ask me to pray over them. I want us to walk as a close knit group. I want honesty to flow from our mouths with each other, not just mine. I want my girls to recognize a problem in our life group and voice it. When I first started in XA my heart beat was for the women who had guy problems and father issues. Maybe that sounds cliche but those were the 2 areas of life I knew the most about. I could sympathize and understand those issues. I wanted my girls to know their worth, their value in Christ before getting serious with someone. After 2 years I have now realized that's harder than I thought it would be. But out of it I figured out how to love them through it anyway.

You see, I have a bad habit of walking away from people even giving up on them when I don't know what else to do. I love them but from a distance. God is teaching me to stay. To not run when decisions are made that break my heart. To hold their hand and pray instead of letting go, thinking I'm doing what's best for them. This is what I want to change with the upcoming school year. When my girls have a problem I don't want them to miss 3 life group nights in a row. I want them to come and be transparent. To know that my living room is a safe place and these girls are secret keepers. I want to change the way I flee from the deep rooted matters of the heart and sit down and listen. Speak when I know they need it and to quiet my tongue when they need only for me to listen.

That, that is my vision. As off key and scattered as it may seem typed out. That's my vision for my life group.

What's yours?

I cannot lie. I was a bit sour today. As I watched my news feed fill with Easter basket pictures last night I went to bed thinking today would be hard and it was. In no way do I want to sound selfish or like I don't know the true meaning of Easter but seeing sweet little babies running around, desperately trying to fill their baskets with the most eggs made me so sad. I made Kaleb take me home the minute the Easter egg hunt started. I was a little down you could say. Trust me, I know Elijah is still cooking and he has a lot more developing to do which he can only do inside of my womb but I still can't seem to shake this ache. This constant longing for him to be in my arms instead of my tummy.

Something I keep telling Kaleb is that I don't understand why it takes 9 months. Why is pregnancy 9 months long? Why couldn't it be 6 months or even shorter? And then, like always, God shows up to answer my questions.

After Kaleb left for work I decided to call my parents and see how their Easter went. I talked to my dad for a while and lately any time we talk he makes it a point to tell me how many days he's been drug free since this is a new development (I know I said I would explain what has been going on in my family and I still might but right now I'm not ready to type that blog). He is now on day 70 of his outpatient rehab after being addicted to prescription drugs for 12 years. There it was. That nagging why again. Why did it take my dad 12 years to finally get help? Why has he survived this when so many others have died so young because of their addictions? And while I'm on it...why did it take you 3 days to rise, Jesus?

Why? Why? Why?
Why?

And then He immediately turns my heart to Ecc. 3. "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens..." And what He keeps bringing me back to this Easter is that He did what He said He would-He rose. He said He would and He did. He does what He says, friends. Those promises you're waiting on to be fulfilled, they will but I can't give you reason behind the timing.

And that's all the answer I need. I can look back over the past (almost) 5 years of being saved and recall where God's perfect timing has played out beautifully in my walk but I didn't notice it until the aftermath. When Elijah is in my arms I'll see God's timing unfolding once again. I don't have to understand why, I just have to trust Him. And trust Him I will.
Always.