I have not had a spiritual moment alone to truly maul this over but if my vision is my passion then it has never changed. My passion in ministry and specifically in life group has always been the same but I think next year it will be tweaked a bit because my heart has grown in different areas. Oh, yea! Did I mention?! That decision that had to be made about leading a life group again next year has been decided. Kaleb and I talked about it (in which I found out he wanted me to lead again all along) last night and decided I can do both. I can be a stay at home mama and still lead a life group and still participate in leadership for XA and still serve God the way I have been called to serve Him.

I am stoked!

There was a deep sadness, an emptiness almost that would wash over me every time I would seriously consider not leading a life group next year but now that we have landed on this decision I am joyous! My heart is overflowing again. Now, granted it will be tough at first. Kaleb and I have talked about what next year will look like leading life group's on separate nights so the other one can stay with Elijah but it's completely doable. And I imagine some nights will be rough. When I've had 0 sleep and a fussy baby to deal with all day but why does that automatically equal a cancelled life group? It doesn't. If anything it's real. We're suppose to be sharing life with these men and women not pouring glitter on our own life to make sure our's sparkle so we can fix theirs. No, no.

Sharing life to me looks like (and this is my vision) women honestly seeking the Lord but sharing their failures and struggles along the way. I want to be able to sit down with my life group and ask them to pray over me just as much as they ask me to pray over them. I want us to walk as a close knit group. I want honesty to flow from our mouths with each other, not just mine. I want my girls to recognize a problem in our life group and voice it. When I first started in XA my heart beat was for the women who had guy problems and father issues. Maybe that sounds cliche but those were the 2 areas of life I knew the most about. I could sympathize and understand those issues. I wanted my girls to know their worth, their value in Christ before getting serious with someone. After 2 years I have now realized that's harder than I thought it would be. But out of it I figured out how to love them through it anyway.

You see, I have a bad habit of walking away from people even giving up on them when I don't know what else to do. I love them but from a distance. God is teaching me to stay. To not run when decisions are made that break my heart. To hold their hand and pray instead of letting go, thinking I'm doing what's best for them. This is what I want to change with the upcoming school year. When my girls have a problem I don't want them to miss 3 life group nights in a row. I want them to come and be transparent. To know that my living room is a safe place and these girls are secret keepers. I want to change the way I flee from the deep rooted matters of the heart and sit down and listen. Speak when I know they need it and to quiet my tongue when they need only for me to listen.

That, that is my vision. As off key and scattered as it may seem typed out. That's my vision for my life group.

What's yours?