The Hargrove Home

I have started this blog probably 100 times in my head but this is the first time I've sat down to really type it out. These key strokes don't seem to be doing my thoughts justice. I can't really blog about what the Lord did for me at the SAF women's retreat last weekend. I will share it with anyone who asks of course but the internet is not allowed to know the sweet markings left on my heart after I walked away from Miller Ranch last Sunday. I just wanted to blog about the retreat as a whole. GUYS. It. Was. Gorg. Miller Ranch in general is very pretty but the Women's Ministry team made it even more beautiful with the prints beautifully framed, the sweet decorated paper straws, and the pumpkin center pieces outside on the tables. It was all in the details, y'all. And to top it off with the sweetest cherry you could tell from the minute you stepped inside that these ladies didn't play around when it came to praying over this retreat. All of the details placed for beauty and all of the prayers said for restoration.

I haven't really been able to breathe for a while now. Ever since Kaleb applied for the supervisor position at his job I haven't caught my breath. I've held it in waiting for an interview. He had his interview and I gasped and held it in again waiting for the next interview that never came. He got the email a couple of weeks ago saying he didn't get the job and I held my breath still...waiting for some divine miracle to show up. Whether it was in the form of his superiors saying they made a mistake or the person that they offered the job to somehow declining their offer. I have no idea what it was but I just kept holding my breath. Well, this is me finally breathing. I have typed up a completely different blog that I was going to post a week ago about this but I couldn't. I still wasn't breathing. I was still secretly hoping for that miracle that I felt we deserved somehow. I was angry and confused but nothing I felt compared to how Kaleb felt. He had worked so hard for this.

Hey you. I see you. Yep, you. The one whose kinda standing there awkwardly among the sea of new freshman. Your hair is perfectly tied with a zebra print ribbon which you wore because apparently you're a 5 year old little girl. I think you just noticed they're not very "in" here so you took it out of your hair when you got into your dorm. You wore that ratty A&M shirt for two reasons. One for comfort since it's move in day and two because you wanted to be funny. You are definitely not at A&M but you are here, college. A place you never thought you would get to.

(Spring semester, y'all)

(Web cam photo while studying for History)

I've said in a previous post that I don't write about things I haven't personally experienced or that I don't have a heart for. So, naturally this post was hard to come to but I can't sit back and watch it happen. When Fifty Shades of Grey came out, along with Magic Mike I remember sharing this blog. She did a fantastic job on that post. And like she stated at the beginning she just felt compelled to do so. Sylvia Plath said it best when she said "I write because there is a voice within me that will not be still." I usually quiet that voice on controversial topics (and lets be honest this is, sadly, a controversial topic now) but I just can't. Not now with the new trailer that has just surfaced for the upcoming movie.

I can't be naive and think that this post should reach certain people. I know that if you're not a Christian you may not agree with me and you know what? That's perfectly ok. If you don't know God then of course I don't expect you to feel convicted over the same things I do but Christian women I'm speaking to you. I'm your sister and I love you deeply so I have to say it-this movie, this book, this porn is not ok. It's. Not. Ok. You don't get a free pass to go watch this movie because it's girls night or because it's being shown in theaters.

"Well it's not porn because obviously they don't show porn in movie theaters."

Actually they do. Any sex scene is essentially porn. The definition of pornography is "the portrayal of sexual subject matter for the purpose of sexual arousal." Kaleb and I talk about it all the time when watching new movies-majority of the plot lines in newer movies could do without the sex scene they put in there which normally ends up being a few to even several sexual scenes. We would all still understand that the characters just had sex if you do a quick make out scene and cut to their clothes strewn across the floor. I mean really this whole drawn out "love making" scene isn't necessary but I can't find a movie without it anymore. And Fifty Shades of Grey tops all of them in that department.

If you wouldn't want to see your son/husband/brother/father/pastor watching porn on his computer then why is it any different if you go see this movie? This is a stumbling block. Point blank. Not just for others but for your self as well. You could have no tie to pornography and then watch this movie only for it to open up an ugly door and lead you down a path you never thought you would have to walk down. I keep seeing articles and blog posts floating around the internet lately about men and pornography and the huge moral issue at hand. But why is that so limited to men? It's a problem for women as well and it should be addressed. 2 Corinthians 6:3 says "We put no stumbling block in anyone's path, so that our ministry will not be discredited." The youth pastor cannot flip through the pages of Playboy while sipping coffee with one of his students and then close it only to tell him about the Lord. You may think you don't have a ministry but being a light in the world is your ministry and you are held to the same standards. You cannot go see Fifty Shades of Grey and then the next day claim to love the Lord. It doesn't work that way and I'm not sure why we stopped speaking truth in this area. Are you going to go to hell? Probably not. But why take advantage of such a kind and sweet God who shows us endless grace and mercy? He holds you to a higher standard not because He wants to make it hard for you but because He knows you're capable of more if you're following Him. In your weakness, His strength is made perfect (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Lust doesn't start in your mind just like adultery doesn't start outside of the marriage bed. Both begin in your heart and spiral into a place you could quite possibly never come back from.  Matthew 5:28 tells us that "anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery in his heart." We are told to guard our heart because everything else comes from it. (Proverbs 4:23) Guarding your heart starts with guarding those things that are easily prone to sin. Your eyes, your
thoughts, etc. This isn't always the case but let's spin a scenario here-

After watching this movie with the girls you feel a little more aroused than usual. You were thinking of your husband the whole time while watching it and you can't wait to get back home to him. Oh, darn. He's already asleep. You'll catch him tomorrow after work. Uh oh. There's that guy in the mail room who looks kind of like Christian Grey. Wow. You never noticed how similar they look. Suddenly your mind is spinning with adulterated thoughts of an office affair like in the movie. You shake them off until a few weeks go by and when you're with your husband your thoughts are not on him and the love you create together, it's on that guy from the mail room. You imagine him instead of your husband but never speak a word of it to anyone. This continues for months until one day that Christian Grey look alike makes one pass at you the same day your husband forgot your anniversary (again) and suddenly you find yourself having an affair.

Is that over the top? Possibly. Or is it exactly how things like that happen. I'm sure if you interviewed majority of the people who have had affairs they could tell you that it started right there. It was one slip of a mouse click or one fleeting thought about the guy that worked across the hall only to turn into something they never expected. Maybe we don't realize it everyday but Satan works pretty hard at getting us to fall, sin, and even walk away from the Lord. That one tiny thought he planted goes a long way when the right things are said at the right time by the right person. I will not cheat on Kaleb and he won't cheat on me but does that mean we stop guarding ourselves? No way! God commands it and so we do it. Am I saying that one movie can change the course of your life? Absolutely. Like I said above one small thing can open a door that you may not be able to close later on so why risk it.

Ultimately this movie feeds into the lie that sex is just sex. I'm going to go ahead and say it-sex is never just sex. It's a bond forever tying you to that person in a way that God only intended you to be tied to your spouse. If your relationship status is the issue then the same thing applies to you. It wasn't long ago that this was my story, praying over my soul ties to certain guys so that I could be tied to Kaleb instead. It was a mistake that I greatly regret but God is good and he heals and restores. However, I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish I could go back in time and choose to say no. The Bible speaks against sexual immorality countless times. It's not an annoying thing that Christians should follow. It's God already seeing the end result to something that could be very fatal with your relationship in regards to Him and to others. Sin being inevitable does not mean Holiness is unachievable. 1 Thessalonians 4: 3-5 says "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God.." and in 1 Peter 2:11 He says "Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul." That word didn't happen on accident. He chose to say that it would wage a war because it's truth. But if it's a struggle in regards to this movie-PRAY! Seek out His word. Don't pass it by if you feel He is urging you away. Trust in Him. He always gives you a way out when you're feeling tempted (1 Corinthians 10:13).

2 years.

2 years is just a tiny scratch on the surface of what our marriage will become and what it already has unfolded into. I use to say it all the time when we first got married because everyone would ask me how I liked being married, so here's what I said-"Marriage is the biggest blessing I've ever received." Just in case you're wondering, it still is. Having children is a big blessing too but in a completely different way. No one really asks the how-we-met story but since I, personally, am a huge fan of them I'm going to share mine with you in honor of my small but beautiful 2 year anniversary.

If we get super technical I met Kaleb for a brief moment in the third pew, middle row at church. My friend Joey (his life group leader at the time) introduced us during a quick meet and greet. It was so brief in fact that Kaleb forgot my name the next time we saw each other. In all fairness I did almost call him Cameron when we met again but I quickly remembered his name and corrected myself before we spoke. Our official "meeting" is and always will be one of my favorite memories.

Right after school started up for the spring semester in 2011 Angelo State University had a snow day. It was rare so I count this a very special day. I woke up and got ready for class that day and made my way to the UC only to find out classes had been cancelled. I cannot for the life of me tell you who all from Chi Alpha was in the UC that day making plans to hang out. I remember seeing Kaleb, Joey, and my two friends Kayla and Brittanie. After that my mind goes blank because (and yes this is cheesy) Kaleb was the only one I could truly focus on. It's not a snippet of a love story, it's just fact. I wanted to know him better. We all ate and made plans to play football in the snow. I don't do sports, friends. I just don't do them but it was a snow day and to quote the movie with aforementioned title-"Anything can happen on a snow day."

We played football in the snow and it was probably the most fun I had all year. It was freezing to the point that my face and fingers hurt but it was the kind of fun that you just fight through the pain for. I can't remember if Kaleb and I were on the same team or if my team won. I just remember running back and forth and tackling people in the deep white snow. Afterwards Kayla invited us all to her apartment for dinner which was conveniently located right across the street from where we were all playing football. A bunch of us loaded up in cars and headed to the grocery store. This is where the instant connection began. Sitting next to Kaleb in his truck I hear the song on the radio and say "this is Tool, right?" People! His eyes could not have been any more obvious. It's like stars were literally coming out of them. He loved music the way I loved music and I just knew. Some people connect over a love of sports or food, my love and I connected over music and we still do. His response to my question was "You know who Tool is? Not many girls know Tool. I'm surprised." I had to give myself an invisible high-five for that one. I just found his favorite band upon our first actual conversation.

The rest of the night preceded with helping in the kitchen to make dinner, consuming said dinner, and watching all of the boys take turns playing video games. Somehow, by the grace of God maybe, Kaleb and I ended up being the ones who volunteered to do the dishes. The dishes of at least 10 people gave us enough time to chat about Jesus, schools we were thinking about transferring to, music, and Chi Alpha. I wanted to drag out all of the dishes in every single cabinet in Kayla's kitchen just so I could have more time with him by myself. Alas, the dishes were clean and we headed back into the living room where Kaleb picked up one of the guys guitars and started picking out a Nickelback song. I don't know who exactly started it or how we ended up there but the next thing I know Kayla and I are singing He Won't Relent while someone played the guitar and the entire apartment starts filling with a random act of worship. It was real and it was beautiful. Kaleb and I started discussing trying out for the worship team for Chi Alpha. He wanted to play the drums and I wanted to sing. We decided, together, that we would go for it. He brought out a bravery in me in that moment that I had never before had. I didn't just sing in front of people. That's not who I was but when Kaleb played with confidence it made me want to mimic that confidence and give it my all.

What happened at the end of the night is something I still poke at Kaleb about. When everyone was getting ready to leave Kaleb slid his phone across the floor to me without saying anything. When I picked it up it was opened to his keypad. I laughed and put in my number. He texted me right there so I could save his into my phone as well. That took guts on his part. He dropped me off at my dorm and I texted him almost right away to tell him I left my chips and salsa that I had just bought that day at Kayla's apartment. Being the sweet guy he is, he brought them to me. I wanted him to stay and talk to me for hours but being the gentlemen he is, he left and went back to his dorm. That night we confirmed plans to hang out that weekend.

My heart is doing flips just typing this story out. I love our story but that's only the beginning of it. One day I'll get the courage to type out our dating story. That story will take a lot of tears and vulnerability that I just don't have quite yet. 3 years maybe? Who knows. For now, this is the beginning of my forever and I had no idea at this time that Kaleb was the man I had been praying for.

Happy anniversary, baby. You are quite literally my favorite husband. I love the way you keep this on going spark in our marriage. This snap that otherwise I thought would die out once we became parents. You have shown great amounts of grace and patience with me these last 2 years as I have navigated motherhood and being a wife. I have found ugly parts of myself during these last 2 years that I would think would make you run but wrapped in your arms in the dark I can still hear you say "I'm choosing to love you." A constant reminder that this isn't a process of us falling in love, it's a process of us choosing it daily. More specifically choosing that this marriage is a covenant we made together with the Lord, not something we chose to do because we felt it was the next step. I can't begin to understand what you saw in me that day we met but I must have done something right to catch your eye. I loved you then and I love you more now and I suspect that love will ebb and flow sometimes as do the seasons of marriage but just like you're choosing, so am I. I love you. Forever and always, Kaleb James. 

There are a couple of exciting things going on in our home that have developed over the last few days. As of yesterday I am now the Social Media Manager for author Jodie Mitchell. She is my friends aunt and has self published 3 books of poetry (The Trusting Time, In The Suffering, Careful Whispers) and is currently working on her new book Legacy which will be releasing soon. I am so excited to help spread the word about all of her books. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter and while you're at it check out her and her husbands ministry called April Sky Ministries. Seeing first hand how social media can help keep others updated on your works/works in progress I created (again) my own Twitter account. So follow, follow, follow!

Another wonderful opportunity God has presented us with is within the company Kaleb works for. I can't say what it is officially on here but keep us in your prayers and as soon as I get the ok I will let you all know. I thought that moving to Fort Worth  would open up doors for Kaleb but now I see that doors are being opened up for me as well and not to mention our family in general. We are also currently taking classes to become members at our new church. So many exciting and new changes happening that I had to share them with you all ASAP! All of these changes bring new meaning to Jeremiah 29:11-

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."