The Hargrove Home

Today I attend life group for the first time in two years instead of leading one.

Bittersweet.

I am so excited though because my BEST FRIEND is leading the life group I will be attending. For the last 2 years she was in my life group, loving Jesus, loving my girls, and she was always longing. Longing to share and learn. I remember a specific moment on my couch at 3 am when she opened up her life to me. She let me in to a part of her heart that not many people got to see. She was embarrassed and scared of sharing her secrets with me but little did she know at that time thats exactly what a life group leader longs for. Those early morning/late night conversations where one of their girls/guys opens up a part of their heart to you, showing you how much they trust you. Whitney, my best friend, gets to learn that this year. She will get many moments like the one she shared with me. I'm excited to watch her grow her life group girls like she watched me do for the last 2 years.

I'm passing the Paton when I thought I would be running the race next to her. I had planned during my whole pregnancy to still be leading a life group but as any mama knows nothing goes according to plan. I've had to adjust many plans and then go with the flow. It's...tough. BUT I'm still discipling a few of my sweet girls as well as my precious baby boy. My life is good, folks. So good! It's hectic and crazy but it's wonderful. The one thing that will make it that much better is being in Whitney's life group, sharing life with her girls. I can't wait for tonight! I've got a bottle pumped and ready to go so Kaleb can be with Elijah while I have some much needed girl time.

I've covered tonight in prayer, believing God for good things to come and for her girls to all be specifically placed in her life group. Now, I get to watch her go!

Ready...set...

Leadership.

More importantly-Chi Alpha

MORE importantly-Jesus!

I love this team, I love this ministry, and I love my Jesus!

Fall semester starts next week. Dorm move in's are Friday and then the following Monday classes start. But even better than that-Chi Alpha kicks off! As our pastor Heath said-"The first 2 weeks back are crucial. It's harvest time." Truer words could not have been spoken. I always get so excited at the beginning of the school year and I'm not even in school anymore. I love watching everyone set up their dorm's as we help them move in. I love the fajita dinner where we meet all of the freshmen. I love the organizational fairs where we tell all of the students about XA. I love the huge game of Capture the Flag that we play the first week back. I just love this time. Sadly, I will only be able to do half as much as I usually do because I have to take care of Elijah. No biggie. He's my favorite person to spend time with!

This last week we were at leadership retreat. Goodness, I needed it SO. BAD. I had only a few minutes of actual alone time but even in those few minutes God spoke. I love how He does that for mom's. Leadership is going to be hard this year with Elijah. I realized that even more at retreat but my sweet friend said it best when she told me it's important to bring your baby into your ministry. You're allowing people to see what a Christian family looks like. I love that! There was an amazing moment the first night. Our old pastor, Landon, came and spoke. At the end of his lesson he had a Holy Spirit moment where he invited people to renew their love language with the Lord and just to pray/get prayed over. As beautiful tongues were lifted to heaven by my fellow leaders Elijah and I peaked through the door to watch. Elijah stared. He stared and listened to this language he didn't know being spoken by people he's getting to know. It was beautiful and of course I cried. Part of the tears were because I wanted desperately to be out there. I wanted someone to pray over me. I need prayer. But part of the tears were from watching Elijah's face. I can see him serving in a Chi Alpha at a university. I can see him being discipled and learning to disciple others.

I love this. I love this. I love this.

I love bringing him to our ministry but most importantly I love ministering to him. He has a strong calling on his life. I can just feel it and I hope that Kaleb and I can help cultivate that calling in any way God allows.

Being a mom is amazing.

She ruined me.

Absolutely ruined my heart and everything I've come to "know" and let my life be like this year. She ruined my heart for this slump, for this season of dying.

Saturday night driving to Cafe Brazil with my husband and our favorite friends I leaned back against the seat taking in Amy Hauck's words.

Culture of honor

Breathing it in and knowing I don't do this enough. I don't honor my leadership family, my husband, my friends, my life group...not the way I should. Not as often as I should. I said out loud in the car this statement-"I feel like I'm crawling from Wednesday night to Wednesday night." And I do. I feel like I'm allowing church and Chi Alpha services to fill me enough just to make it to Wednesday night for my life group. Instead of letting myself fill to the brim and spill over with God's word and His love, I fill up and pour out. Fill up and pour out over my girls not leaving enough left over for everyone else, myself included. Which leads to this dishonoring that can come shooting from my tongue and to be honest, from my eyes as well. Words spoken to my husband about our friends that only he will ever know and it's gross. Yes, gross is the word I'm choosing. I feel the sour taste on my tongue after I've said these things. I can feel the sickness rise from my belly into my throat as if I'll choke on the words but I never do.

Our pastor apologized for this very thing but I wonder if he knows that he's not the only one. Our entire leadership family is guilty of this. I'm sure everyone in our ministry is guilty of this but I can't be justified. This isn't a justifiable act. I think it's a huge reason so many of us have watched people leave Chi Alpha and our life group's this past year. Why would they stay when they feel unsafe? Amy Hauck said this weekend that we have to make baby Christians feel safe. I don't think my words have made many people safe. And for anyone who reads this-I'm so very sorry. If you're a leader, you are my family and I promise to treat you more like that and to honor you and to have your back. I really am with you heart and soul. To members of Chi Alpha, I hope I have never said anything to hurt or offend you. If I have I need your forgiveness. If you're staff/staff wife, I look up to you more than I let on. When you correct me I am thankful. I am so sorry for ever speaking negatively about you. I love you. I love you more than words can describe. Thank you for pouring out all you have over this ministry, over this team, and over my husband and I.

"It's a new season. It's a new season. The old has passed away. The old has passed away. Cause He makes us come alive. He makes us come alive."

I have not had a spiritual moment alone to truly maul this over but if my vision is my passion then it has never changed. My passion in ministry and specifically in life group has always been the same but I think next year it will be tweaked a bit because my heart has grown in different areas. Oh, yea! Did I mention?! That decision that had to be made about leading a life group again next year has been decided. Kaleb and I talked about it (in which I found out he wanted me to lead again all along) last night and decided I can do both. I can be a stay at home mama and still lead a life group and still participate in leadership for XA and still serve God the way I have been called to serve Him.

I am stoked!

There was a deep sadness, an emptiness almost that would wash over me every time I would seriously consider not leading a life group next year but now that we have landed on this decision I am joyous! My heart is overflowing again. Now, granted it will be tough at first. Kaleb and I have talked about what next year will look like leading life group's on separate nights so the other one can stay with Elijah but it's completely doable. And I imagine some nights will be rough. When I've had 0 sleep and a fussy baby to deal with all day but why does that automatically equal a cancelled life group? It doesn't. If anything it's real. We're suppose to be sharing life with these men and women not pouring glitter on our own life to make sure our's sparkle so we can fix theirs. No, no.

Sharing life to me looks like (and this is my vision) women honestly seeking the Lord but sharing their failures and struggles along the way. I want to be able to sit down with my life group and ask them to pray over me just as much as they ask me to pray over them. I want us to walk as a close knit group. I want honesty to flow from our mouths with each other, not just mine. I want my girls to recognize a problem in our life group and voice it. When I first started in XA my heart beat was for the women who had guy problems and father issues. Maybe that sounds cliche but those were the 2 areas of life I knew the most about. I could sympathize and understand those issues. I wanted my girls to know their worth, their value in Christ before getting serious with someone. After 2 years I have now realized that's harder than I thought it would be. But out of it I figured out how to love them through it anyway.

You see, I have a bad habit of walking away from people even giving up on them when I don't know what else to do. I love them but from a distance. God is teaching me to stay. To not run when decisions are made that break my heart. To hold their hand and pray instead of letting go, thinking I'm doing what's best for them. This is what I want to change with the upcoming school year. When my girls have a problem I don't want them to miss 3 life group nights in a row. I want them to come and be transparent. To know that my living room is a safe place and these girls are secret keepers. I want to change the way I flee from the deep rooted matters of the heart and sit down and listen. Speak when I know they need it and to quiet my tongue when they need only for me to listen.

That, that is my vision. As off key and scattered as it may seem typed out. That's my vision for my life group.

What's yours?

Wednesday night was rough. Actually, it wasn't rough at all but all the little things from that day piled on and by night fall I felt wrecked. I think it mostly started when Kaleb told me he didn't have Thursday off with me. I was pretty bummed. I had a whole day planned out for us (because I rarely get out of the apartment) so I was kinda irritated when his boss gave him Friday off instead of Thursday. Seriously, Bre? Not that big of a deal, girl. Trust me I know. The rest of the day went bad when only 4 of my life group girls said that they could come to life group that night. I had a very special lesson planned which couldn't be taught to only 4 of them. It was like a bonding and strengthening community type lesson so the other girls would have been missing out if I would have taught it when they weren't there. As a life group leader that totally bums you out.

The spring semester arrived a lot sooner than I thought it would. Granted, I'm not in school but I am in ministry and I get really giddy when the spring comes. New faces, old ones coming back again, new relationships, graduations, etc. But most of all something beautiful happens this semester in my opinion. God does a new work and yet He still continues the one He started during the fall semester. I was recently presented with a decision to make. I don't necessarily have to make this decision now but I hate sitting on indecision. I need to know my next move months in advance. Trust me, It's something God is dealing with me on. Today I am 14 weeks pregnant. My second trimester is finally here!!! And in July a baby will enter our home. This baby will change everything so I have to make the decision if I want to be a life group leader again next year. My heart drops even writing that sentence. Chi Alpha is forever for my family. Kaleb will be a Chi Alpha pastor, our children will grow up in this ministry, and I will be his wife which means I have an important role to play though sometimes I have to cry to Jesus and remind myself of that truth. My pastor said something that rings so true in our hearts-Ministry doesn't stop when you have kids. Talk about knocking the wind out of me. Ministry will never stop for us which is honestly one of the best feelings to me. If there was an end to ministry for Kaleb and I my heart would be torn. Now, one thing is for sure-In making this decision I will not forget that my ministry comes first to my child. That's what makes this so hard I think. These girls have been my spiritual babies. I feel like mother hen with everything going on in their lives. I love them so very much. Words seriously can't describe how much I love my sweet life group.

I was texting Kaleb this morning about this and his words are so comforting. He's behind every decision I make. I'm going to be a stay at home mom and he not only supports that but encourages it. He doesn't want someone else watching our baby grow up any more than I do. He's also encouraging about me being a life group leader again this next year. Ultimately when asking the Lord for counsel He so sweetly said it's up to me. How beautiful is our God, friends?! To just allow us the free will of making our steps. I think this is God pushing me out of my comfort zone. I so rarely make decisions all by myself. I always seek out advice from my mentor, my friends, my husband, my pastor and while there is absolutely nothing wrong with that it's become a comfort zone for me. If I don't have their approval and thoughts on something I can't seem to move forward. It's a curse and a blessing I'm sure. I'm leaning toward being super woman next year. I'm sure there's no argument there. ;]

To my sweet unborn baby,

The relationship series is coming, folks. It's coming fast. November 2nd to be exact. Everyone is so pumped. It's so awesome to have this traditional series running through our Chi Alpha at Angelo State University each year. This will be my 4th year going through it and I have to say is -wow. God is FAITHFUL.

October always seems to bring back memories for me. I'm not sure why October specifically brings them back considering they're usually scattered memories but memories all the same. Yesterday as I was pulling out of the driveway, getting ready to head to Chi Alpha, I saw Kaleb's iPod sitting in the front seat. I got excited that he left it and immediately went to John Mayer on his playlist. The first song that came on was In Your Atmosphere. The live version from his Where The Light Is session. I breathed in the autumn air and pulled away from the house. Oh, this song. This song...actually this whole album has a lot of memories attached to it. Kaleb and I were freshly dating in October of last year and he was very obsessed with John Mayer. We were a good match. We've always been a good match. Even when we were just friends we couldn't stay away from each other. It always makes me kinda mad that it took a year for us to finally date but oh well! We're married now!!

Ah, married. Still, to this day, I always feel the need to tell people we were friends for a year before we dated because I hate the reaction I get when I tell people we only dated for about 4 months before we were engaged. And the reaction gets even worse when they find out we're in our early 20's. Right now, I'm back to struggling with the plan laid out for Kaleb and I. I'm so scared. We're walking into unchartered territory and I don't have my bullet proof vest on yet! My heart is still very much on my sleeve. I think it's taken complete residency there.

Last night, I knelt at the very back pew in Chi Alpha and wept to Jesus. I didn't even tell him what I was scared of. He already knows. I just wept. And waited. Waited for him to speak because I had finally ran out of words. A simple question was whispered to my heart. Can you trust me?

Ouch. That's not an easy answer. Yes...er, no. I DON'T KNOW! I breathed deep and through tears finally said yes. Sweet breeze in my air, I am free falling. I stepped off the ledge of safety that I like to plant my feet on and just....fell. Getting engaged fast was scary too but I completely trusted God. Knowing His timing was perfect and it so has been! I am not playing it safe. I am simply trusting God.

My hand won't be closed on this. It will stay open lest I start to believe this is mine. This was never mine. It has always been His.

In one weekend Kaleb and I have covered a lot of ground regarding our next move in ministry. From the beginning of being together Kaleb has said he wants to get a pastoral degree and he wants to pastor a Chi Alpha. Those are 2 things we've always been sure of but there were so many questions arising and we couldn't tell which road would be the best one to take. It wasn't necessarily that God wanted us on a certain route. I believe the Lord wants us to pastor a Chi Alpha but the way we get there doesn't really matter to Him. No, that's not silly to think that. So many people think God has this road laid and He has each specific place named for us but where is free will in that? The Lord knows where we will end up school-wise because He knows the decisions we make before we even realize we have to make them but as for the decision process I've always believed that the school didn't matter as long as it's Christ honoring and it gets us where we ultimately are called to be-a Chi Alpha.

So Kaleb has flipped back and forth between Berean and CBC. Berean school of Bible and Central Bible College are both fantastic schools from what our mentors have told us and from what we have researched ourselves but eventually we had to choose. So we chose Berean and the best part is Kaleb won't be the only one doing it anymore. I will be taking classes as well. This was the part we finally decided on this weekend. Instead of just being his wife through ministry (being his supporter and encourager) I will be doing ministry right a long side him. We will both be going through the Chi Alpha internship together now instead of just Kaleb. This is a huge deal for us because one of the biggest obstacles we kept running into regarding our future in ministry is where I would be. College ministry has been my heart beat since I was put through leadership training the spring semester of 2011. I believe it will be hard, yes, but so worth it. Raising support together each month and getting to do ministry side by side has never felt more right in my heart. Now we're on this road and we're just pacing it feels like. We can't move until we finish some classes and decide where exactly we will do the internship at but we're pacing in peace now. It's funny a little. Peace is this week's challenge in my life group. The Lord has such a beautiful and silly way of showing up in the ways He does. I'm just thankful now.

We finally have some peace.

Ah, joy! Sweet joy! This fruit of the spirit doesn't seem too hard to work on. Almost effortless? Goodness, I can be so naive sometimes. Once again within the first 48 hours of this new challenge being spoken out and accepted I failed again. And again I just let it happen. I noticed the things that instantly took my joy away were so small. When I got a moment to sit down and soak in all of the pieces of my day that were still angering me at 5 pm I realized they were all small and they were honestly all out of my hands. I allowed other people to define my joy instead of proclaiming it through Christ. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says:

Dear Bre,

(A letter from me to the girl I was in high school.)

This letter is hard to type. Sounds weird since it's me writing it to...well...me but it's not easy. I am faced with you everyday. You, the "BC" you. That's what I refer to you as anyway. BC stands for Before Christ, like how people refer to things that happened before Jesus was around.

Change is coming.

Well, around this time that I have in my mind you're 17. What a fun age! But for you this isn't very fun. You just found out the bad news. I remember both of those days so clearly. August came in a rush and suddenly you're not thinking about graduation anymore. In the snap of the day you're on the phone with your boyfriend, thinking about names and how you will tell your parents. And then November comes. The chill of that day seemed to add a dramatic twist or maybe everything just felt exceptionally cold that day. As quickly as you found out, it was gone. He or she...you never got to find out. You woke up and there it was, this searing pain in your lower stomach and a lot of blood and then it was just....gone. My heart still stings when I think about that day. Something changed inside your heart didn't it? Maybe it hasn't yet. Just wait. The change comes. Change isn't bad Breanna though up until this point any change in your life has always been just that. You had no idea, sweet and young, that God had so many beautiful plans for you. Beautiful only because he makes beautiful things out of us.

Your prince is coming.

Choices. At 17 you have to make a lot and pretty fast too. What college? What major? Where will you live? Graduation? And then what? Career? Ugh. You think you'll make the wrong decision but can I just tell you it's one of the best decisions you make. Angelo State University didn't seem like much at first but i just gotta say-it's the bee's knee's girlfriend! Would you like to know a secret? You meet your soulmate there. I don't want to tell you his name because then you'll run. You always do that, run. But I will tell you that He loves Jesus more than he loves you. This is a weird concept for you right now but just trust me-When you get to this place I'm at now you understand completely why that is so important. He is also very, very wise. Sometimes you peek in on his life group lessons (you become a life group leader as well. Yea, I know. It's stinkin weird but I'm tellin you girl...you CHANGE) and you see just how much wisdom he is full of. Enough bragging. There will be a string of bad nights during your freshman year that will lead to a specific moment in a bathroom at a party where you finally call it quits. You throw in the towel and in that moment there is so much peace that washes over you. A peace that goes beyond all understanding and that's how you know it's from the Lord. Following all of this you finally give your heart completely to the Lord in October of 2009 at the altar in a ministry that changes your life forever. Don't worry, your husband knows all of this. He knows your past and thankfully his is pretty similar so he's quick to look at who you are now instead of who you were then.

Healing is coming.

I wish I could tell you that after the miscarriage you find healing right away but it's actually not until after you get married that the healing really comes. (Your husband is very patient in this process, one of the many reasons you love him so much.) Healing from everything to be honest. From the party days, the drinking, the guys, and the baby. He's amazing. Jesus. The way He knows just the perfect time to wreck your heart with something sweet, something needed, and something loving. He gives you answers to all of your why's but only in His timing. Be patient, love. Oh, and I bet you're wondering about your family. Mom and dad are still the same. I think their love is fading most days but they're still hanging on and that's gotta count for something right? You and mom are close now which is probably weird to you but it's a new normal. Dad and you find healing in your relationship. It's a great process and he get's to walk you down the aisle. Charlotte is still crazy but she found Jesus too. She's a new kind of crazy. A beautiful kind of crazy. Yes, you're still closer than ever. She's the maid of honor at your wedding! No, she's not married yet. Still no boyfriend but man...this guy is going to be so wonderful for her. Good things really do come to those who wait. Cheer up, you'll have a brother-in-law soon enough and you'll have to constantly remind her of that on the nights she can't sleep because the tears won't let her. She's still hurting some days but for the most part there is healing going on inside of her as well. One last thing-You did scar them (all of those girls) and it's too late to make amends but the Lord helps to redeem you by placing a lot of wonderful women in your life. You actually have girl friends and just wait till you meet all of them! They love you like crazy and vice versa. You never say a mean thing to a girl again. Truly. Your trash talk turns into kind words. And your whole life does a complete turn around. All for the better. I promise.

Final though (i promise)-Your husband is a drummer! How hot is that?! You finally find someone who has a passion for music the way you do. Your house is filled with it everyday. And the best part? Just wait till you find out what he wants to do for the rest of his life. It's going to blow your mind.

Check this out!

Graceful by Emily P. Freeman

"To be a woman of God" was the name of the lesson last night. We talked about women we looked up to, who God is to us, and ways to walk towards goals. For instance, we went over the fruits of the spirit. For those of you who aren't familiar in Galatians 5:22-23 the fruits of the spirit are listed as love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I presented my life group with a challenge-Each week we will work on a fruit of the spirit. Each of us will find a verse that has to do with that certain fruit of the spirit and we will memorize it and put that fruit into practice for the week. Sounds easy? Wrong! Totally totally wrong. Be honest, this is not a simple task, it is literally a challenge. Our first fruit of the spirit for week 1 is love. That's seriously not easy. When someone is irritating you, being mean, talking down to you..your first instinct is not to love them. It's usually to get even, be mean back, or just not say anything at all.

I was having a conversation last night with 2 of my girls. We were talking about a whirlwind of things but one subject that presented itself was how we know the Lord speaks to us. It's such a weird question now that I've slept on it and processed it for a while. It's so funny that the Lord had just spoken to me a couple of hours before that conversation and yet I failed to mention that. Why? Because He spoke to me through a song. Basically this is what happened-

Around 5:30 that evening (an hour and a half before my first life group of the year) I texted a dear friend of mine and told her my heart was shattered. It doesn't really matter why my heart was shattered at that moment, the point is I used that exact phrase-"My heart is just shattered." As I began to be more at peace thinking of how anxious I was for life group to start, I started getting ready. First, I put on my eye liner then as my straightener heated up I applied some mascara to my sad little eyelashes which were clumped together from tears that had been there not too long ago. While waiting to straighten out some waves in my hair I turned on Pandora. The station that was on was Kari Jobe. A new station I had just added the day before. In the middle of talking to Kaleb and going over another wave I heard the words "You're heart isn't shattered anymore. He is here." I stopped. You don't really hear those words in a lot of worship songs-hearts being shattered. It's usually you're heart is broken or more along the line of that at least but this song said shattered. My flesh, for just a moment, tried to brush it off but I quickly walked out of the bathroom and snuggled next to Kaleb on the bed and told him that the Lord had just spoke to me through that song. Then I went back in the bathroom and continued to get ready.

So here's the deal-why would I forget to mention that? It's because when I hear the word speak I automatically think of Jesus actually speaking to me (which He does) but I don't think of anything else. The truth is Christ speaks to us through the ways that we will listen. At the moment I was so caught up in getting ready that I wouldn't have listened if the Lord would have whispered to my heart, I am here. But that song caught my attention in that moment. One of the girls shared a heart wrenching story of how the Lord showed her a beautiful verse in Romans right after she had just found out some bad news for her senior year in basketball. See, the Lord speaks in so many different ways. Whatever will catch our attention in the moment, that's what He's going to use. For me, music always speaks. My heart is attached to worship music and praising my King. I love to sing my prayers sometimes and to even worship by myself in my bedroom. The Lord sees that, He sees me, and so He honors my own heart by speaking to me in ways that make sense for me.

I love that about Jesus. He speaks to each of us what makes sense for our own hearts.
Beautiful.

Life is so crazy right now. I keep telling people that but I'm definitely not being dramatic-it is seriously crazy. I try and avoid looking at my calendar on my phone because it's packed with weekend plans and XA activities. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe underneath all of God's goodness that He has poured out in my life. Getting to be a part of this team is overwhelming me more this year than it did last year. At the leadership retreat I went to this week I could feel the plans and activities suffocating me again. As we went over schedules, life group nights, and XA Monday nights I could feel myself gasping for a breath or two. Enough to get me through this year.

Why do I feel this way Lord? I am so excited to walk alongside You and do work with You, why do I feel overwhelmed? He didn't answer but simply showed me something at HEB camp that needed no words...at first.

Come to the well. Drink from the living water, be filled, do not run dry, love with a love that overflows like mine does. I didn't even have to hear Him say it. I just knew His many answers. Do not forget to run back to the well and continue to fill back up because you WILL run dry if you do not keep me first.

Come to the waters, you who thirst and you'll thirst no more.
Come to the father, you who work and you'll work no more.
And all you who labor in vain and to the broken and shamed:

Love is here.
Love is now.
Love is pouring from
His hands, from his brows.
Love is near, it satisfies.
Streams of mercy flowing from his side.
Cuz love is here.

Come to the treasure, you who search and you'll search no more.
Come to the lover you who want and you'll want no more, no.
And all you who labor in vain and to the broken and shamed, 
And to the bruised and fallen,
Captives, bound, and broken hearted.

He is the lord
He is the lord,

By his stripes he's paid our ransom
From his wounds we drink salvation

He is the lord
He is the lord