The Hargrove Home

I'm dreaming of my village today.

I don't have one yet but I can feel it coming. Count yourself lucky if you've already found yours. Even if yours is in the making, count yourself so blessed!

I'm dreaming of it today because today is hard. Kaleb will be away all day. 9am-3pm for some training and then 5pm-1am for work. Tomorrow will be the same and then Saturday we go back to normal but these next two days are going to be hard and I know that my village would be very good on days like these. After all, that's what the village is meant for. Women lending helping hands, praying as the transitions begin, offering wisdom and listening ears on new stages, sharing encouragement for all of it.

I am longing for that as Kaleb and I get closer to the new chapters. I long for a pastors wife to remind me that this season of Kaleb being in school is only for a short time and that I am actively helping by taking care of everything else while he works and does his school work. Because sometimes it doesn't feel like I'm making much of a difference while he's working so hard. I long for a more seasoned mama to tell me that it's ok that we're not trying for another baby just yet. I need her to tell me that though my womb is aching we're making smart moves by waiting a while longer. Not much longer but still a little while. And then I need that same mama to share her wisdom with me when it is time to grow our family. I long for women in ministry to remind me that this is my ministry too. That wherever we land (college, young adult, youth ministry) that I'm a part of it, too. And more importantly I need someone who has seen much redemption in their lives to remind me that God has given me victory over so much and that He will continue to complete His good work even when I fall short.

My village. My community of women.
Waiting for you.

****EDIT****

Today was even harder than I anticipated originally. Elijah spiked a 102 fever and was very lethargic. Kaleb had to come home after an hour of being at work and take us to Urgent Care. See. Village. I needed them today. Alas, it's forming up around me. Soon.

So thankful that Emily P. Freeman decided to do another link-up that I actually read about it when it happened. I usually catch them a few days late and then forget about them. The last one I did was the letter to my 17 year old self. Wow. That one holds so much for me. So I'm catching this one before it disappears on me. A few things I learned in 2014.

Up until Elijah was born I would tell people I couldn't craft and that's still true but I hated crafting then and now I kind of love it. I'm not good at it but I still like it. I can see how entire blogs and magazines are created solely to talk about crafts, give ideas, share tips, etc. There is something to be said about the feeling you get when you finish a craft and it actually turned out pretty good. I've only done a few things here and there since the new year began but I've cultivated a love for it so I know there is more to come in 2015.

2. I enjoy the healthy lifestyle

No. Seriously. At first this year just brought some change in our eating habits mostly because of our finances but now it's turned into something both Kaleb and I really enjoy. I love cooking. I mean LOVE it and even more than that I love cooking real wholesome food. I don't always do it because hello, I'm a human who loves a good cheeseburger and greasy fries too but I do it much more than I did before. A lot more really and since hubby loves it too then we are moving forward in 2015 with the better eating as well as becoming runners. Yep. You read that right. I want to become a runner. I've found this running plan on Pinterest that helps you go from barely even walking to running an entire 5K. It's a 10 week plan and I can't way to start! We'd like to ride bikes more than run but running is free of charge and requires no equipment so I'm excited to see what 2015 holds for our fitness since 2014 kickstarted a healthier lifestyle for the Hargroves.

3. Women friendships are weird

I'm sure I always knew this but it's become more apparent this year. I had one friend at the beginning of the year barely talk to me until it was almost time for us to move and now that I'm gone we talk all the time. Then there's the friends who are vice versa. They talked to me all the time when I lived in San Angelo and now we rarely talk since I've moved. It just happens like that I guess. Another friend of mine who doesn't live in San Angelo or Fort Worth has become a very, very close friend now. Even her husband and Kaleb are good friends and we're actually taking a trip to see them tomorrow! I asked her once why it took both of us moving to become better friends and she said "Because God knew I'd need a friend to text." It's true. It's weird but true. See. Women friendships are weird and that's ok. I'm striving to learn in 2015 that it's ok when friendships are weird, I need to stop taking it personally. 

4. I am a jealous person

Not within my marriage actually but with other things people have. Kaleb and I both do it and we recognize it. We get jealous of the people who have the beautiful house while we're still stuck in a town home and the people with the good car while ours still has no window in the back. It's a green eyed monster for sure and now that I've realized it's a problem I'm praying hard that God corrects me in this. 

5. I'm scary addicted to coffee

It's bad, y'all. It's to the point where we have ran out of K Cups and I ask Kaleb to run to the gas station to get me some coffee. Not a huge life altering thing but I realized that this past year. I need an intervention. 

6.Whe you become intentional, it becomes harder

The moment I decided to be more intentional in walking in the Spirit, everything got harder. I distinctly remember standing in church a few months ago and feeling the Spirit pull me towards this woman standing by herself. I was suppose to pray over her and give her a Word from the Lord but I couldn't move. I stood there, frozen. My heart was pounding out of my chest and I knew I had been praying for exactly this moment. Alas, the moment passed and I haven't seen her since. I decided shortly after we moved to Fort Worth that I wanted to break through the barriers of the everyday Christian and walk in the Spirit. The minute I was intentional with God and started praying for that it became hard. Not BECAUSE I was intentional but because it's simply not easy. I stepped out only to jump back. That doesn't mean you give up. It just means you push against the barrier that is standing in front of you. It's not going to fall down by itself, you have to push. And push I will. 

7. I have a really great marriage

This is not a bragging thing at all. We are just as guilty as the next married couple when it comes to saying things we don't mean or not apologizing first, etc. But in general Kaleb and I have realized how great our marriage truly is just by the simple fact that we made a decision to communicate better. We fail at it sometimes and other times we hit it right on the head but in general we have a fantastic marriage. He loves me well and I think I've become pretty good at respecting him. We do life together. We make decisions together. We parent together. We listen to each other. We yell a lot less. We talk it out a lot more. We hug each other when we're mad. Again, this is not bragging because we are far from perfect but we're really nailing this marriage thing. We're beating the odds and I think that's something to be very proud of. 

8. Toddler life is no joke

I didn't really consider Elijah a toddler until after his first birthday so it's only been these last 6 months that I've really learned this but toddler life is draining. The running around, the defiance and testing of boundaries, the constant struggle between teaching them and losing your patience. But boy do I love listening to him say a new word or start dancing the very second a song comes on. It's a struggle but it's a beautiful one. He's happy and healthy and on the days I fail at being a mom he's still happy and healthy and smart so it doesn't matter. I get to try again the next day and he is quick to forgive, that little sweetheart of mine. And just look at him, y'all. He's gorgeous. He's amazing. I love him. 

9. I am a writer

This has literally taken me all year to say out loud. I am a writer. I am not a published author or a speaker or even a professional blogger but I am a writer. It's real. It's who I am. It's one of the many things I was created to do. I write because I know no other way to understand life or process my thoughts and emotions and the things God is constantly teaching me. This is forever for me. This blog, my journals, and the other things God has stirred up inside of me-they're forever. It's not a trend or a phase-it's mine and it's something I believe 100% to be a small part of the calling God has placed in my life. I want to do many things in this world: Teach women about Jesus, help new moms, do college ministry, lead worship, help birth babies, teach my own babies, show people the Kingdom but intertwined with all of those things is writing. I am a writer. That will never cease to be true. 

Here's to all of the things 2015 will teach me. 

I have not had a spiritual moment alone to truly maul this over but if my vision is my passion then it has never changed. My passion in ministry and specifically in life group has always been the same but I think next year it will be tweaked a bit because my heart has grown in different areas. Oh, yea! Did I mention?! That decision that had to be made about leading a life group again next year has been decided. Kaleb and I talked about it (in which I found out he wanted me to lead again all along) last night and decided I can do both. I can be a stay at home mama and still lead a life group and still participate in leadership for XA and still serve God the way I have been called to serve Him.

I am stoked!

There was a deep sadness, an emptiness almost that would wash over me every time I would seriously consider not leading a life group next year but now that we have landed on this decision I am joyous! My heart is overflowing again. Now, granted it will be tough at first. Kaleb and I have talked about what next year will look like leading life group's on separate nights so the other one can stay with Elijah but it's completely doable. And I imagine some nights will be rough. When I've had 0 sleep and a fussy baby to deal with all day but why does that automatically equal a cancelled life group? It doesn't. If anything it's real. We're suppose to be sharing life with these men and women not pouring glitter on our own life to make sure our's sparkle so we can fix theirs. No, no.

Sharing life to me looks like (and this is my vision) women honestly seeking the Lord but sharing their failures and struggles along the way. I want to be able to sit down with my life group and ask them to pray over me just as much as they ask me to pray over them. I want us to walk as a close knit group. I want honesty to flow from our mouths with each other, not just mine. I want my girls to recognize a problem in our life group and voice it. When I first started in XA my heart beat was for the women who had guy problems and father issues. Maybe that sounds cliche but those were the 2 areas of life I knew the most about. I could sympathize and understand those issues. I wanted my girls to know their worth, their value in Christ before getting serious with someone. After 2 years I have now realized that's harder than I thought it would be. But out of it I figured out how to love them through it anyway.

You see, I have a bad habit of walking away from people even giving up on them when I don't know what else to do. I love them but from a distance. God is teaching me to stay. To not run when decisions are made that break my heart. To hold their hand and pray instead of letting go, thinking I'm doing what's best for them. This is what I want to change with the upcoming school year. When my girls have a problem I don't want them to miss 3 life group nights in a row. I want them to come and be transparent. To know that my living room is a safe place and these girls are secret keepers. I want to change the way I flee from the deep rooted matters of the heart and sit down and listen. Speak when I know they need it and to quiet my tongue when they need only for me to listen.

That, that is my vision. As off key and scattered as it may seem typed out. That's my vision for my life group.

What's yours?

So many weddings are coming up. I mean SO many. And I literally have no words to describe how happy I am for all of these weddings though I might have to miss some considering the fact that my due date is on the day of one of them (Jazz-I am so, so sad I have to miss your wedding but I know it will be BEAUTIFUL!!) I want to give you all a gift and by gift I mean something I wasn't given but would have really liked to hear and that is this-advice from a newlywed. All of the advice and wisdom I was given was from women who had been married for years (which means those chicks are full of TONS of wisdom) but the season I was entering in was being a new wife so naturally I longed to hear from a wife who had just recently been married. So before I say anything just know this-Find a wife of many years and make her your mentor. Seriously. Do it. It's the best! But now I will give you the knowledge I have from being married for half of a year.

1) Give up on the idea of being a perfect wife like now. As I just put my last load of laundry in the washer I am thinking to myself that I still do this. I am constantly frustrated that I don't have home cooked meals prepared for my husband, loads of laundry complete and put away everyday, dishes clean and in the cabinets every morning, prayers sent up to heaven by the time my husband wakes up, encouragement dripping from my tongue the minute something goes wrong. You get the picture. I am just frustrated with myself all the time but I shouldn't be. I try too hard to live up to Proverbs 31 that it almost drives me insane and that was not the purpose of it when God breathed those beautiful guidelines into scripture. Your husband does not expect perfection. Ever. Breathe that in and then let it resonate in your soul.

2) Never underestimate the power of respect. I am learning this one STILL. If you have not read Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs then you need to read it. For real. It's amazing. It continually blows my mind at how wrong I was about my husband needing constant love from me. He needs my respect more. I can't explain it to be honest but the book says it all and it will do wonders for your marriage.

3) Prayer. This is the one I suck at the most. I forget to pray for my husband throughout the day. I'm getting better at it but if I would have remembered it from day one our marriage would be way more blessed than it is right now. Holy. Goodness. Your marriage will be crazy filled by the Holy Spirit if you're praying. Not just for him but for your home, your future children, his wisdom, your wisdom, his job, your job, your intimacy with each other, etc the list goes on and on. Never underestimate the power of a prayer, yes but also never underestimate the power of your prayers as the wife. It will blow your mind.

4) You are a team. There is a reason you are called Ezer Kenegdo in Genesis. It's because you are exactly that-You are his help mate. Marriage works best when you're being a team player. You should be working together not against each other. My husband and I do have our individual strengths, trust me. He is not allowed to do laundry for example. If he did he would throw everything together instead of separating darks, colors, towels, etc. And I don't touch the bills. I forget things way too easily to pay our bills. That has remained his job. And for each couple it's different. There are definitely things that he does better than me and vice versa so we leave it up to the individual but we are a team, always. We do life together, never separately. All decisions we have made for our lives have been together. They have been hashed out and dealt with as a team. Hence the reason we only waited 3 months to get pregnant. That was just our choice, it's not for everyone and we totally understand that but that was a decision we prayed over together and talked about incessantly from the minute we said "I do." So whatever path you walk in your marriage just remember to walk side by side. You were taken from his rib, not his head or feet. Don't forget that.

5) Sex. We all knew it was coming. I feel I shouldn't say much on this subject because I have no idea who will read this but for you girls who I now have waited with your fiance until your wedding night just know this- sex is POWERFUL in your marriage. Just this morning I heard a comedian talking about how once you're married you stop having sex. Obviously this comedian was talking about the worldy view of marriage not the God centered one. I read somewhere that sex is like a silent cheer for men. And a mentor of mine (who has been married to her husband for years now) said that sex for men is like an ego boost. And i completely agree with all of that but what bothers me is that no one says what sex for the wife is like. I believe it's healing especially when you have a past that you're not proud of. It's also an intimacy with God and my husband that I really can't explain. Everyones view on sex is different that's for sure but don't forget that it's for you just as much as it's for your husband. It should be an equal share in it in my opinion. Sex makes or breaks your marriage. It truly does. All other thoughts on this subject should be said privately. I'm sure some people reading this aren't too happy about this part (sorry.)

Anyway, those are my thoughts. My 6 months of wisdom. And all 5 of those things are things I still learn as we go. Marriage is tough and beautiful and crazy and exciting and healing and intimate and honestly the best blessing you could ever receive. I love being married. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it. Soak in as much advice as you can from all of the wives you trust and love. They know what's up! I love you ladies and I'm praying for your marriages. Get ready, it's awesome!

The spring semester arrived a lot sooner than I thought it would. Granted, I'm not in school but I am in ministry and I get really giddy when the spring comes. New faces, old ones coming back again, new relationships, graduations, etc. But most of all something beautiful happens this semester in my opinion. God does a new work and yet He still continues the one He started during the fall semester. I was recently presented with a decision to make. I don't necessarily have to make this decision now but I hate sitting on indecision. I need to know my next move months in advance. Trust me, It's something God is dealing with me on. Today I am 14 weeks pregnant. My second trimester is finally here!!! And in July a baby will enter our home. This baby will change everything so I have to make the decision if I want to be a life group leader again next year. My heart drops even writing that sentence. Chi Alpha is forever for my family. Kaleb will be a Chi Alpha pastor, our children will grow up in this ministry, and I will be his wife which means I have an important role to play though sometimes I have to cry to Jesus and remind myself of that truth. My pastor said something that rings so true in our hearts-Ministry doesn't stop when you have kids. Talk about knocking the wind out of me. Ministry will never stop for us which is honestly one of the best feelings to me. If there was an end to ministry for Kaleb and I my heart would be torn. Now, one thing is for sure-In making this decision I will not forget that my ministry comes first to my child. That's what makes this so hard I think. These girls have been my spiritual babies. I feel like mother hen with everything going on in their lives. I love them so very much. Words seriously can't describe how much I love my sweet life group.

I was texting Kaleb this morning about this and his words are so comforting. He's behind every decision I make. I'm going to be a stay at home mom and he not only supports that but encourages it. He doesn't want someone else watching our baby grow up any more than I do. He's also encouraging about me being a life group leader again this next year. Ultimately when asking the Lord for counsel He so sweetly said it's up to me. How beautiful is our God, friends?! To just allow us the free will of making our steps. I think this is God pushing me out of my comfort zone. I so rarely make decisions all by myself. I always seek out advice from my mentor, my friends, my husband, my pastor and while there is absolutely nothing wrong with that it's become a comfort zone for me. If I don't have their approval and thoughts on something I can't seem to move forward. It's a curse and a blessing I'm sure. I'm leaning toward being super woman next year. I'm sure there's no argument there. ;]

In one weekend Kaleb and I have covered a lot of ground regarding our next move in ministry. From the beginning of being together Kaleb has said he wants to get a pastoral degree and he wants to pastor a Chi Alpha. Those are 2 things we've always been sure of but there were so many questions arising and we couldn't tell which road would be the best one to take. It wasn't necessarily that God wanted us on a certain route. I believe the Lord wants us to pastor a Chi Alpha but the way we get there doesn't really matter to Him. No, that's not silly to think that. So many people think God has this road laid and He has each specific place named for us but where is free will in that? The Lord knows where we will end up school-wise because He knows the decisions we make before we even realize we have to make them but as for the decision process I've always believed that the school didn't matter as long as it's Christ honoring and it gets us where we ultimately are called to be-a Chi Alpha.

So Kaleb has flipped back and forth between Berean and CBC. Berean school of Bible and Central Bible College are both fantastic schools from what our mentors have told us and from what we have researched ourselves but eventually we had to choose. So we chose Berean and the best part is Kaleb won't be the only one doing it anymore. I will be taking classes as well. This was the part we finally decided on this weekend. Instead of just being his wife through ministry (being his supporter and encourager) I will be doing ministry right a long side him. We will both be going through the Chi Alpha internship together now instead of just Kaleb. This is a huge deal for us because one of the biggest obstacles we kept running into regarding our future in ministry is where I would be. College ministry has been my heart beat since I was put through leadership training the spring semester of 2011. I believe it will be hard, yes, but so worth it. Raising support together each month and getting to do ministry side by side has never felt more right in my heart. Now we're on this road and we're just pacing it feels like. We can't move until we finish some classes and decide where exactly we will do the internship at but we're pacing in peace now. It's funny a little. Peace is this week's challenge in my life group. The Lord has such a beautiful and silly way of showing up in the ways He does. I'm just thankful now.

We finally have some peace.

Ah, joy! Sweet joy! This fruit of the spirit doesn't seem too hard to work on. Almost effortless? Goodness, I can be so naive sometimes. Once again within the first 48 hours of this new challenge being spoken out and accepted I failed again. And again I just let it happen. I noticed the things that instantly took my joy away were so small. When I got a moment to sit down and soak in all of the pieces of my day that were still angering me at 5 pm I realized they were all small and they were honestly all out of my hands. I allowed other people to define my joy instead of proclaiming it through Christ. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says:

Haha what a silly list but all of these things brought great joy to my heart today. Actually, insane amounts of joy! I serve a good, good God and I know He gave me a life worth finding joy in. Even in the smallest of things.

"To be a woman of God" was the name of the lesson last night. We talked about women we looked up to, who God is to us, and ways to walk towards goals. For instance, we went over the fruits of the spirit. For those of you who aren't familiar in Galatians 5:22-23 the fruits of the spirit are listed as love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I presented my life group with a challenge-Each week we will work on a fruit of the spirit. Each of us will find a verse that has to do with that certain fruit of the spirit and we will memorize it and put that fruit into practice for the week. Sounds easy? Wrong! Totally totally wrong. Be honest, this is not a simple task, it is literally a challenge. Our first fruit of the spirit for week 1 is love. That's seriously not easy. When someone is irritating you, being mean, talking down to you..your first instinct is not to love them. It's usually to get even, be mean back, or just not say anything at all.

Life is so crazy right now. I keep telling people that but I'm definitely not being dramatic-it is seriously crazy. I try and avoid looking at my calendar on my phone because it's packed with weekend plans and XA activities. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe underneath all of God's goodness that He has poured out in my life. Getting to be a part of this team is overwhelming me more this year than it did last year. At the leadership retreat I went to this week I could feel the plans and activities suffocating me again. As we went over schedules, life group nights, and XA Monday nights I could feel myself gasping for a breath or two. Enough to get me through this year.

Why do I feel this way Lord? I am so excited to walk alongside You and do work with You, why do I feel overwhelmed? He didn't answer but simply showed me something at HEB camp that needed no words...at first.