The Hargrove Home

I'm dreaming of my village today.

I don't have one yet but I can feel it coming. Count yourself lucky if you've already found yours. Even if yours is in the making, count yourself so blessed!

I'm dreaming of it today because today is hard. Kaleb will be away all day. 9am-3pm for some training and then 5pm-1am for work. Tomorrow will be the same and then Saturday we go back to normal but these next two days are going to be hard and I know that my village would be very good on days like these. After all, that's what the village is meant for. Women lending helping hands, praying as the transitions begin, offering wisdom and listening ears on new stages, sharing encouragement for all of it.

I am longing for that as Kaleb and I get closer to the new chapters. I long for a pastors wife to remind me that this season of Kaleb being in school is only for a short time and that I am actively helping by taking care of everything else while he works and does his school work. Because sometimes it doesn't feel like I'm making much of a difference while he's working so hard. I long for a more seasoned mama to tell me that it's ok that we're not trying for another baby just yet. I need her to tell me that though my womb is aching we're making smart moves by waiting a while longer. Not much longer but still a little while. And then I need that same mama to share her wisdom with me when it is time to grow our family. I long for women in ministry to remind me that this is my ministry too. That wherever we land (college, young adult, youth ministry) that I'm a part of it, too. And more importantly I need someone who has seen much redemption in their lives to remind me that God has given me victory over so much and that He will continue to complete His good work even when I fall short.

My village. My community of women.
Waiting for you.

****EDIT****

Today was even harder than I anticipated originally. Elijah spiked a 102 fever and was very lethargic. Kaleb had to come home after an hour of being at work and take us to Urgent Care. See. Village. I needed them today. Alas, it's forming up around me. Soon.

I am not a beauty person at all. Clarification: I don't wear any make up except for mascara and eyeliner, I usually only have one bottle of perfume at a time, I don't go out of my way to buy special things to wash my face, etc. Not because I don't take pride in my appearance but because I've just never been a huge girly girl. And up until today I had never used a sugar scrub. I had seen them before but I honestly didn't even know if there were any true benefits to using them on your skin. In typical Bre fashion I started to research sugar scrubs (nerd alert) and found some really neat things. The sugar actually brings moisture into your skin and unlike salt its very gentle. So, after playing around a bit I came up with my own recipe and I love it!

Ah, the famous choose-a-word-because-its-new-year has risen and I mocked it like I did last year. How silly it is that God would give all of us one word (read on-He did give me a word.) That's my personality type and I realize how annoying it is. I go against the grain even when I so badly want to follow it sometimes. I default to doing the opposite of everyone else in fear of losing who I am if I give in. And then when our pastor gave us the challenge of praying about our word at the beginning of the new year I cried as God softened my heart showing me that He had something specific for me if I would just let go of my normal response. I didn't pray about it. I just sat in it. Thinking on the one thing I need to do more of. It's the same thing God and I chat about often. Too often if I'm being honest.

I am scared of everything.

I cannot begin to give you a list, small or lengthy, on all of the things that I'm scared of. Real things. Deep things. I am scared of many things and it hinders my walk more than I'd like to admit. It holds me back from moving forward in certain areas of my life. It makes me less of a wife, mother, friend, and more importantly a daughter of the King. Did I even realize that before? How can a daughter of the bravest be so terrified of everything around her?

Fearless.

That's my word and I'm clinging to it and everything it stands for.

There is a bravery in myself that I have not yet discovered. I want to find it. I want to reach out and claim everything that I'm so scared of as my own personal conquest. 

I thought it would take forever to get from the one year post to this one. 6 months seems like a long time when you say it out loud but Elijah turning an entire year AND a half has completely caught me off guard. Has it really been 6 months already since I threw his first birthday party? And does this really mean that we are now 6 months away from him turning 2? This is cray, y'all. It's also really hard to remember what new developments/milestones have passed in the last 6 months so bare with me here. At 18 months-

• 23 lbs
• 33 inches
• Learning how to eat with a spoon
• Has a special night time/morning drink to help him sleep (tart cherry juice mixed with milk-it works wonders)
• Still taking 2 naps and sleeps about 11 hours at night (until the 18m sleep regression hit. Oy.)
• LOVES to dance
• Some new words: Banene (banana), Obi (My father in law), pawpaw (my dad), tree, pease (please), up, Nonna (My mother in law), yesh (yes)
• Phrases he's mastered: Bye dada and Hi mama
• Tries to sing along to certain songs in the car. It's probably the cutest thing ever
• Wearing 18m clothes but a few 12m shirts still fit
• Loves crayons but gets bored when trying to color
• Starting to be fairly picky
• Favorite foods are any type of mexican food, bananas, and pb&j
• Climbs on everything
• Extremely friendly. Says hi to people every time we're out and about
• Loves the park
• Gives kisses all the time
• Loves to be tickled and now knows how to tickle other people
• Knows how to sniff things when we ask him to smell something and can blow on his food when we tell him it's hot

So thankful that Emily P. Freeman decided to do another link-up that I actually read about it when it happened. I usually catch them a few days late and then forget about them. The last one I did was the letter to my 17 year old self. Wow. That one holds so much for me. So I'm catching this one before it disappears on me. A few things I learned in 2014.

Up until Elijah was born I would tell people I couldn't craft and that's still true but I hated crafting then and now I kind of love it. I'm not good at it but I still like it. I can see how entire blogs and magazines are created solely to talk about crafts, give ideas, share tips, etc. There is something to be said about the feeling you get when you finish a craft and it actually turned out pretty good. I've only done a few things here and there since the new year began but I've cultivated a love for it so I know there is more to come in 2015.

2. I enjoy the healthy lifestyle

No. Seriously. At first this year just brought some change in our eating habits mostly because of our finances but now it's turned into something both Kaleb and I really enjoy. I love cooking. I mean LOVE it and even more than that I love cooking real wholesome food. I don't always do it because hello, I'm a human who loves a good cheeseburger and greasy fries too but I do it much more than I did before. A lot more really and since hubby loves it too then we are moving forward in 2015 with the better eating as well as becoming runners. Yep. You read that right. I want to become a runner. I've found this running plan on Pinterest that helps you go from barely even walking to running an entire 5K. It's a 10 week plan and I can't way to start! We'd like to ride bikes more than run but running is free of charge and requires no equipment so I'm excited to see what 2015 holds for our fitness since 2014 kickstarted a healthier lifestyle for the Hargroves.

3. Women friendships are weird

I'm sure I always knew this but it's become more apparent this year. I had one friend at the beginning of the year barely talk to me until it was almost time for us to move and now that I'm gone we talk all the time. Then there's the friends who are vice versa. They talked to me all the time when I lived in San Angelo and now we rarely talk since I've moved. It just happens like that I guess. Another friend of mine who doesn't live in San Angelo or Fort Worth has become a very, very close friend now. Even her husband and Kaleb are good friends and we're actually taking a trip to see them tomorrow! I asked her once why it took both of us moving to become better friends and she said "Because God knew I'd need a friend to text." It's true. It's weird but true. See. Women friendships are weird and that's ok. I'm striving to learn in 2015 that it's ok when friendships are weird, I need to stop taking it personally. 

4. I am a jealous person

Not within my marriage actually but with other things people have. Kaleb and I both do it and we recognize it. We get jealous of the people who have the beautiful house while we're still stuck in a town home and the people with the good car while ours still has no window in the back. It's a green eyed monster for sure and now that I've realized it's a problem I'm praying hard that God corrects me in this. 

5. I'm scary addicted to coffee

It's bad, y'all. It's to the point where we have ran out of K Cups and I ask Kaleb to run to the gas station to get me some coffee. Not a huge life altering thing but I realized that this past year. I need an intervention. 

6.Whe you become intentional, it becomes harder

The moment I decided to be more intentional in walking in the Spirit, everything got harder. I distinctly remember standing in church a few months ago and feeling the Spirit pull me towards this woman standing by herself. I was suppose to pray over her and give her a Word from the Lord but I couldn't move. I stood there, frozen. My heart was pounding out of my chest and I knew I had been praying for exactly this moment. Alas, the moment passed and I haven't seen her since. I decided shortly after we moved to Fort Worth that I wanted to break through the barriers of the everyday Christian and walk in the Spirit. The minute I was intentional with God and started praying for that it became hard. Not BECAUSE I was intentional but because it's simply not easy. I stepped out only to jump back. That doesn't mean you give up. It just means you push against the barrier that is standing in front of you. It's not going to fall down by itself, you have to push. And push I will. 

7. I have a really great marriage

This is not a bragging thing at all. We are just as guilty as the next married couple when it comes to saying things we don't mean or not apologizing first, etc. But in general Kaleb and I have realized how great our marriage truly is just by the simple fact that we made a decision to communicate better. We fail at it sometimes and other times we hit it right on the head but in general we have a fantastic marriage. He loves me well and I think I've become pretty good at respecting him. We do life together. We make decisions together. We parent together. We listen to each other. We yell a lot less. We talk it out a lot more. We hug each other when we're mad. Again, this is not bragging because we are far from perfect but we're really nailing this marriage thing. We're beating the odds and I think that's something to be very proud of. 

8. Toddler life is no joke

I didn't really consider Elijah a toddler until after his first birthday so it's only been these last 6 months that I've really learned this but toddler life is draining. The running around, the defiance and testing of boundaries, the constant struggle between teaching them and losing your patience. But boy do I love listening to him say a new word or start dancing the very second a song comes on. It's a struggle but it's a beautiful one. He's happy and healthy and on the days I fail at being a mom he's still happy and healthy and smart so it doesn't matter. I get to try again the next day and he is quick to forgive, that little sweetheart of mine. And just look at him, y'all. He's gorgeous. He's amazing. I love him. 

9. I am a writer

This has literally taken me all year to say out loud. I am a writer. I am not a published author or a speaker or even a professional blogger but I am a writer. It's real. It's who I am. It's one of the many things I was created to do. I write because I know no other way to understand life or process my thoughts and emotions and the things God is constantly teaching me. This is forever for me. This blog, my journals, and the other things God has stirred up inside of me-they're forever. It's not a trend or a phase-it's mine and it's something I believe 100% to be a small part of the calling God has placed in my life. I want to do many things in this world: Teach women about Jesus, help new moms, do college ministry, lead worship, help birth babies, teach my own babies, show people the Kingdom but intertwined with all of those things is writing. I am a writer. That will never cease to be true. 

Here's to all of the things 2015 will teach me. 

Remember Alexander? The kid who had the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day? Well his day was nothing compared to the week I'm recovering from. As I shared earlier in the week my grandma passed away on Tuesday. Then we had 2 days of Christmas without any real Christmas and the next 2 days were her funeral and memorial service.

I hate the lessons that are not easily learned.

I hate when I have to really search situation and soul before finally learning the lesson He is teaching me.

I preach "You're ready" all the time but then shrink back, scared and questioning, when it's my time. My turn to show someone the way.

I want so badly to reach out to women who have long ago stopped reaching out for me but maybe that's the lesson in itself. I have to start being ok with the silence that circles in my living room when I desperately ask "How do I help? What do I do?"  Because I know He's not being silent to hurt me. He's showing me, in time, how to do this. How to be the saving grace for someone else the way so many have been for me.

This has been such a long time coming. I know how to help with the young women who are in college. That territory seems familiar and safe. I know what to do, what to say, how to help but now I feel out of my league. These are marriages. These are families. Babies and Holy unions and family members passing and careers altered that I want to rush into and just snap my fingers and make all of the hard stuff go away for them.

But that silence that I'm sitting in. The one that I loathe instead of embrace. Maybe that's the lesson. Be silent and don't rush in. Be there and offer your ear instead of your mouth. Carry the burdens. Fight for them in prayer. Listen. Don't speak just yet.

And if you must speak then whisper scripture and soft pleas to the God who saw this coming before it ever came. Because He also sees when it will come to pass. When it will all be a distant memory, a testimony for them.

So, for now, until the testimonies come. Be silent.