The Hargrove Home

I'm a mom. A new one. A wreck of a new one.
Is that ok to say? Not necessarily out loud but out loud via social media, is that ok to say?

I'm all over the place with tears and anxiety and complete fear of the unknown but this is where I go, like always, to write it out. To look back and look ahead all at the same time with my son, my first born, my sweet baby.

Right now, he's sitting next to me on the couch, propped up by his boppy, and covered in a sweet swaddle blanket. His eyes fluttered open when I turned on Bon Iver and started singing with it. He knows me. He knows my voice and my heartbeat and my breathing but me? I'm still learning who he is. I've grown in these last 9 days to understand more and more of who Elijah is.

Today, I gave him up to the Lord. An act I'm sure I will do over and over again but today at 9 days old, I gave him to Jesus. I relinquished control of the unknown and thanked Jesus for considering Kaleb and I as the perfect parents for him. I use the word perfect loosely as I know we are far from that but God some how considered us just that. His perfect match. No other mom can give Elijah what I can and no other dad can do for Elijah what Kaleb can.

Elijah Fisher Hargrove, you are perfect to me. I love watching your chest fall and rise as you breathe. I love the way your top lip curves way up and your bottom one sinks in so beautifully. You have a dimple on your chin that I could kiss over and over again. Your eyes, I die! They are so amazing and I get lost in them when you stare at me. Your hair reminds me of your daddy. You look just like him in my opinion and I wouldn't have it any other way. Staring at you makes me miss your dad when he's gone. 6-8 hours at a time really isn't a big deal but I do miss him. I miss him and love him more now that he's your dad and I love you even more for being his son. You complete our family. We were never whole until you came along.

Because I'm already starting to forget some of the details I figured now was a good time to hash out Elijah's birth story here. I say hash out because I still can't believe what actually happened in Labor and Delivery room number 3 that night/morning.

Thursday July 11, 2013 4:30pm
Kaleb and I went to our last appointment with Dr. Coronado (my OBGYN). It was our last because she was leaving the next day to go on vacation with her family. I had asked earlier that week to be induced so that she could deliver Elijah. I know how crazy selfish that sounds but I absolutely adore my doctor and to be with her for 9 months and not have her deliver him made me heartbroken. However, she had called me Wednesday and told me she could not induce me because my cervix was closed at the last appointment. Inducing a closed cervix can end in C section which is not what either of us wanted for Elijah or myself. I wanted a natural vaginal delivery and she wanted that for me as well. We left the matter at that. I hung up the phone satisfied that this must be in God's plan so I didn't question it. At our appointment the next day my blood pressure was really high and they found protein in my urine. These are both signs of Preeclampsia. With my due date being 2 days away she told me she didn't want to let me sit for a week with high blood pressure anyway because it could be dangerous for Elijah and I so it was time to be induced. How weird, I thought. I had wanted to be induced and now I was going to be but not at all the way I wanted it. I immediately began to cry as Coronado tried to explained that we were going downstairs to Labor and Delivery. She asked if she could pray over us (this is why I love her, folks). She prayed for no C section, a natural vaginal delivery (because that's what I wanted), and that we could all be together for this experience since her plane left for Florida the next morning.

-5:00 pm
I was given Cytotec to help soften my cervix which was still closed. 4 hours later I was checked to see if I made progress and I was still closed. Coronado came in and forced my cervix open which was still barely a 1 and then broke my water. I thought things would begin to progress on their own after that since that was what I had always heard from other mama's who got their water broken. Between 5pm and 9pm sweet friends came to pray over us and others flooded our phones with text messages saying they were praying as well. I can't tell you how many people were praying for us that night. God moves especially when 2 or more are gathered in His name. This became so much more evident during my labor.

-9:00pm
I was given more Cytotec to see if it would dilate me more and I was told that they would start me on Pitocin at 2 am. I was getting nauseous so I was given Phenergan to help ease it which also made me sleepy so I figured I could take the next 4 hours and pass out before everything got intense but I could only fall asleep between contractions which were probably a minute a part, maybe more. That's when things began to blur together.

July 12, 2013 2am
I was given pitocin and told they would increase it every 20 minutes. I was checked first and was at a 2. I lost all hope of making it without medicine at this point because I knew how bad contractions were going to get. Kaleb called Evelyn (our doula) and told her to come at 2 am because I was going to need her help to work through contractions. Well needless to say things got intense faster than what I was prepared for. I kept feeling so much pressure in my pelvis and every time I was checked the nurse kept telling me how low Elijah's head was. Coronado had even mentioned things going really fast once I did start to dilate because of how low his head was. This was encouraging and confusing all at the same time. I couldn't understand why my cervix wasn't opening if his head was as low as everyone kept saying. Contractions almost immediately began to get stronger. I tried bouncing on the birthing ball right before the Pitocin was given but with his head being so low it just caused more pain instead of eased it. I climbed back into bed just in time for everything to hurt. About 10 minutes after Pitocin started I threw up over the side of the bed. I remember opening my eyes long enough to see that it was green. I kept wondering why my throw up would be green. I closed my eyes as the nurse gave me more Phenergan to ease my stomach. It finally started working just as contractions grew. I had to stay on my side because of my high blood pressure. I didn't want to stay in the bed. My birth plan was to labor in the tub and to get up and move but I could barely open my eyes. That's what I remember the most about labor-my eyes staying closed majority of the time. I tried desperately to open them so I could see Kaleb's face. I always felt better when our eyes met. He pulled up a chair next to the bed and just watched me labor. He tried to touch me, offering me comfort through his strong hand but I couldn't handle it. Nothing made me feel better and everything made it worse. I wanted so badly to tell him how much I loved him for trying to help but I couldn't vocalize anything at this point. The only thing I could communicate was when I needed more ice chips and even then I could only touch my mouth and then point to the cup. He knew. And I loved him for that. I moaned and yelled through contractions. I tried hard to focus on my breathing like I researched so much about but the harder I tried the more it hurt. I remember hearing Evelyn tell me to do whatever my body wanted. That felt great to hear. All pressure was off to keep my cool and I gave in, I gave in hard. My body wanted to claw at everything with each contraction. I clawed at my own hands, my pillow, the bed railing, and even my hair. I didn't expect this at all.

-4:20am ish
I was checked again and had only made it to a 4. This was more than discouraging. Looking back after it all I know now when I was in transition and this was that point. I couldn't stop screaming with each contraction. I felt bad for the people in the Labor and Delivery wing. I tried to control myself and just go back to yelling but screaming was all that was coming out of my mouth. The coolest moment was hearing these lyrics as another awful contraction hit-"There will be an end to these trouble but until that day comes, still I will praise You." Out of all of the songs that passed through the Pandora playlist on my Jesus Culture station these were the only words I heard. I praised God in my heart and braced myself for another one. I heard Kaleb tell Evelyn that he didn't know how she could do this all the time-watch people go through this much pain. I wasn't sure what her response was but I thought the same thing for Kaleb. I didn't know how he had made it that far without completely breaking. If it were me I wouldn't be able to watch him writhe in pain the way I was. Suddenly, everything changed.

-4:45am ish
I was done. I was giving in and getting the epidural. The anesthesiologist had been woken up and made it up to the hospital right when I felt the pressure get worse. During the last contraction before I pushed I had screamed so hard that it felt like Elijah had moved even more down. It was a really weird feeling but that was when the pressure increased beyond what it had been the whole time. I told the nurse I couldn't sit still for the epidural. She was telling me I had to and I told her there was too much pressure. She checked me and said I was at a 10. I went from a 4 to a 10 in about 30 minutes. It was Jesus. I was on the verge of giving in and He moved quickly. I love that about the Lord. He knew my desire was to deliver my baby naturally. I had prayed over the last 9 months for it, others had prayed for me, and it was happening. The nurse who had been such a sweetheart and so silly the whole time turned serious and I knew it was time. She looked me in the eye and asked me if I wanted to push without the epidural. I didn't hesitate. As I said yes to pushing I flipped on my back and jammed one leg into the nurses side and the other leg was being held by Evelyn. I strained to hear Kaleb's voice, trying desperately to hear where he was. Right when I started pushing I heard Evelyn or the nurse (I can't remember which one) tell Kaleb to sit down or to go outside. I knew he must be having a hard time. I just wanted him to be the one holding my leg. I wanted to open my eyes and see him but couldn't. After about 20 minutes of pushing someone asked me if I wanted to touch my baby's head. I kept thinking that it was impossible for him to be that close to being out. I reached down and touched his head and couldn't believe how squishy it was. That gave me the boost I needed to finish the race. A couple of more pushes and he was on my stomach. This perfect, purple, crying bundle of love was finally in my arms. I touched his hand as nurses ran around getting things for him and Evelyn rubbed some of the vernex and other fun stuff off him. I couldn't cry. I just kept taking in breaths and saying "my baby, my baby." I think I was still in shock that it was all finally over and this sweet little guy who had grown in me for 9 months was finally in my arms. Kaleb cut the cord like a champ!

Elijah's birth was a mixture of what I wanted and didn't want but overall it was perfect and I'm so happy that I did it without medication. It makes everything else in my life feel different. Right now, breastfeeding seems to be much harder than I expected but I just keep reminding myself that if I didn't give up during his birth then I can't give up with feeding him the best way there is. New parent life is an adventure but I have the best man to share in this journey with. He wasn't very present for the actual delivery because of how sick he got watching me BUT he has been amazing when it comes to me breastfeeding Elijah. He helps me calm down when I get frustrated and encourages me by staying with me and talking to me when Elijah does feed. I have an amazing husband, a precious son, and a MIGHTY God.

This is not as fun to write as Elijah's actual birth story will be (ha) but if I don't write it out then it will just sit in yesterday and I will be frustrated.

Yep, 38 weeks today. Elijah's cradle is literally inches from my face and even in a semi dark room, I'm staring into it wishing he was there. If he comes within this week, fantastic! And if he waits till his due date that's still only 2 weeks away. Honestly, it's all too fast yet not fast enough.

I had to bring the laptop into Elijah's nursery to write this blog. It just seemed appropriate. Staring at the glider, and his diaper changing table, and all of the sweet decorations adorning these 4 walls is actually soothing (kind of) at this point. I really didn't expect to feel this way at all when it got to the end of this pregnancy. I had been doing so well. I was longing, of course, but it was a sweet longing as I got everything set up and ready. Then, going to my 36 and 37 week appointments and finding out my cervix is closed sent me into this ache. Literally, that's the only way I can describe it. This longing so bad that it's actually almost painful...? I thought i was being ridiculous until a friend told me this is the hardest part during pregnancy-the wait. Thank God!!! I'm not insane or depressed in any way. I'm just feeling the normal ache of wanting to hold my baby.

If you have no idea what being a Twin Peak's girl means then bless your heart! Because that means you've some how escaped the tainted world we live in and I am envious of your ignorance but my guess is that everyone knows what that means. Especially my friends in San Angelo considering we now have a Twin Peak's conveniently located in our fine city.

"Do you want to be a Twin Peak's girl"

This is the ad that has taken over my Pandora and Facebook account. No, no I do not want to be a Twin Peak's girl and I hope you don't either. The mama in me wants to wrap a huge blanket around those girls and rush them out of there before another man can gawk at them long enough to take their wedding ring off and then give them some cheesy line that will make them feel special even for a minute. But the 22 year old in me who has only been saved for the past 4 years knows and understands and so I will not be rushing in there any time soon with blankets to cover the girls in and cold water to pour on the men.

Purity. It's real and it's achievable despite what media screams at you or what you've done. I think too many Christian women try and make purity seem like you have to be completely untouched or untainted to be able to call yourself pure but you are still pure. Even if things happened to you against your will (and can I just tell you how truly sorry I am that happened to you. It was in NO WAY your fault and you didn't deserve that). Even if things happened that you chose to participate in. Even if you were sober or completely inebriated when the last situation occurred...you are still pure. If you know my story then you know I had a miscarriage when I was in high school. You know that I made the walk of shame back to my dorm too many nights when my freshman year began at ASU. Those are not things that scream pure but I am. I am pure. My husband and I have pasts that unfortunately involve other people but for our marriage we became pure.

Getting saved in 2009 in no way meant that I did everything right. I still went out with my friends wearing things that drew negative attention my way while still claiming to love the Lord. I'm sure I greatly confused a few people and probably made some Christian women very angry but there is room for grace. I know what it feels like to long for that attention but eventually I learned to stop taking pictures in my bikini and posting them on Facebook. I learned to stop wearing the shortest shorts that barely fit when going to Chi Alpha. I learned all of these things because 1) I turned to scripture to find my worth instead of men and 2) I found women of God who had pasts like mine that had changed. I learned to look up to them and watch what they wore and how they conducted themselves.

I know many women will claim that this is just a job but let's be honest...there are plenty of other places hiring. I, in no way, condemn the girls who will eventually start working there. Instead, I weep over you because I know and I wish I could show you how the Lord views you but inevitably that's something that I could tell you all day long but you have to allow God himself to show you. He is completely enthralled with your beauty (Psalm 45:11). Because I understand that truth I now have a husband who, as my belly continues to grow and my body no longer looks like it use to, still tells me how sexy he thinks I am. He looks at me now like he did on our wedding night. He steals me away in the kitchen to kiss me and tell me how beautiful I am.

Twin Peak's is all about what you wear. It's not like you're going home with any of the men. I mean it's not a strip club or an escort service but unfortunately I can guarantee that one of the nights as you're closing up, that guy who stayed for 2 hours and ordered a ridiculous amount of beer will decide that he no long wants to be teased by your outfit. He wants to see whats underneath. And if your day went just right then your boss probably talked down to you enough to get your self esteem just at the right place for you to give in and go home with that man that night. I have never worked at a place like this but even I have had these kind of nights happen. And sadly, sweet girl, those nights will happen. I attended a friend's lingerie shower last weekend and we had a sweet and special moment where all of the married women (there was 6 of us) gave a tidbit of wisdom about sex within marriage. It was beautiful. I cried. Someone told the bride to that "it's being intimate with your best friend." What a great description. Another wife told her "my husband is an extension of Jesus to me." These women know what they're talking about and both of them have a past that involved others but they are walking examples of what Jesus' love can do. And that knowing your worth in Him changes you. It changes your heart, your way of thinking, and the way you act. The way God sees you...it's a powerful thing. Just go and read. He will reveal to you exactly what He thinks of you.

"You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; You have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace." Song of Solomon 4:9