The Hargrove Home

February turned into March and we were both getting ready to go on our first missions trip. He was going on one with Chi Alpha and I was going on one with the BSM. Mine would take up the entire week of Spring Break so we hung out as much as we could before leaving. At this point we had no intention of dating and I was beginning to consider Kaleb to be one of my best friends. A few nights before I left for South Padre Kaleb kissed me. We shared our first kiss when we were just friends and it was a game changer for me. Yea he's pretty bold, y'all. I thought it was no big deal at first but then I went away for a week, came back, and I realized how much I liked him. He had been praying for my trip to go well while I was away and didn't communicate with me much so I could focus. We had one phone call in the middle of the week right before one of my late shifts on the van rides in Padre. He told me he had went to church that night with his dad while he was back home and that his dad had a very real moment with the Lord. Kaleb told me it looked a lot like his dad had rededicated his life to Christ. I could hear the excitement and pure joy in his voice. Kaleb was happy with life in general and though I didn't want to, I decided to stay quiet about my feelings. We met for lunch in the UC the morning after I returned from Padre and conversed about the kiss. We talked about what it meant but we landed on just friends once again.

On April 12, 2011 at 8am I woke up to a phone call from Kaleb telling me his dad had passed away. I skipped my classes that morning and made my way across campus to be with him. His friend Joey and I stayed with him in his dorm while he waited on his mom and step dad to pick him up from campus and bring him back to Kerrville. I walked around in a daze for the rest of the day waiting for Kaleb to call me and give me the details. I'd never seen him like that before. This was new territory for our friendship. Later that night he told me the story and the details of the funeral which a few of us from Chi Alpha attended later that week. He came back to school and everything was different. He was cold towards me most of the time and I wasn't as understanding as I should have been so most of our conversations ended in fights. I could tell he was frozen in time. He went through the motions with school and church and life group but he wasn't fully there. His dads sudden passing really shook his faith to its very core. The week before school was over he went on a date with someone. I was broken. I knew he shouldn't be dating so soon after his dad had passed away but I was also very heartbroken that it wasn't me he was dating. The feelings that I pushed down had finally rose up out of me and it was all at the worst time. There was no time, really. I was getting ready to move into my first apartment and Kaleb was getting ready to move back home for the summer. The night before he left we saw each other at the lake (those XA hang outs were so random). We talked about his date and instead of telling him flat out that I liked him, I danced around the subject for a good hour or two until it ended in tears from me and yelling from him. He sped off from the lake and that was it.



I moved into my first apartment and decided that summer to let Kaleb deal with everything on his own. I was getting in the way and I wasn't being fair to him. I struggled with this greatly. I wanted my best friend back but above everything I wanted to be more than friends. It felt like I had missed my chance all together and I was scared he was slipping away from everything. From God, school, his friends in Chi Alpha. I tried "dating" someone else but that was a bust from the beginning for many reasons and one of the biggest being how I felt about Kaleb. He worked at a camp that summer so he wasn't online much. I stalked his Facebook page everyday praying for a glimpse into his life through a status or picture. When he would post something it was usually about camp. I would see girls tag him in things and post to his wall and I just grew more aware of the fact that I really did miss my chance. I let myself fall into work and prepared for my first semester as a Life Group leader for Chi Alpha. About a month before school started I got a text message from a random number. I had switched phones a few weeks prior so I didn't have many people saved in my contacts yet. It was an area code I recognized and the single text instantly told me who it was-"I miss talking to you."







(to be continued.)

For our 2 year anniversary I shared the story of how we met and in that post I said though it may be hard I would try and share our dating story. Our dating story is sweet and tragic and sometimes it's not the most fun thing to share but we're nearing the 3 year mark of our wedding anniversary and just passed the 4 year mark of when we met so it's been stirring in me to get it all down on my blog. I'll split it into 3 parts because it's just too long to share on one entire entry.

I'm dreaming of my village today.

I don't have one yet but I can feel it coming. Count yourself lucky if you've already found yours. Even if yours is in the making, count yourself so blessed!

I'm dreaming of it today because today is hard. Kaleb will be away all day. 9am-3pm for some training and then 5pm-1am for work. Tomorrow will be the same and then Saturday we go back to normal but these next two days are going to be hard and I know that my village would be very good on days like these. After all, that's what the village is meant for. Women lending helping hands, praying as the transitions begin, offering wisdom and listening ears on new stages, sharing encouragement for all of it.

I am longing for that as Kaleb and I get closer to the new chapters. I long for a pastors wife to remind me that this season of Kaleb being in school is only for a short time and that I am actively helping by taking care of everything else while he works and does his school work. Because sometimes it doesn't feel like I'm making much of a difference while he's working so hard. I long for a more seasoned mama to tell me that it's ok that we're not trying for another baby just yet. I need her to tell me that though my womb is aching we're making smart moves by waiting a while longer. Not much longer but still a little while. And then I need that same mama to share her wisdom with me when it is time to grow our family. I long for women in ministry to remind me that this is my ministry too. That wherever we land (college, young adult, youth ministry) that I'm a part of it, too. And more importantly I need someone who has seen much redemption in their lives to remind me that God has given me victory over so much and that He will continue to complete His good work even when I fall short.

My village. My community of women.
Waiting for you.

****EDIT****

Today was even harder than I anticipated originally. Elijah spiked a 102 fever and was very lethargic. Kaleb had to come home after an hour of being at work and take us to Urgent Care. See. Village. I needed them today. Alas, it's forming up around me. Soon.

I am not a beauty person at all. Clarification: I don't wear any make up except for mascara and eyeliner, I usually only have one bottle of perfume at a time, I don't go out of my way to buy special things to wash my face, etc. Not because I don't take pride in my appearance but because I've just never been a huge girly girl. And up until today I had never used a sugar scrub. I had seen them before but I honestly didn't even know if there were any true benefits to using them on your skin. In typical Bre fashion I started to research sugar scrubs (nerd alert) and found some really neat things. The sugar actually brings moisture into your skin and unlike salt its very gentle. So, after playing around a bit I came up with my own recipe and I love it!

Ah, the famous choose-a-word-because-its-new-year has risen and I mocked it like I did last year. How silly it is that God would give all of us one word (read on-He did give me a word.) That's my personality type and I realize how annoying it is. I go against the grain even when I so badly want to follow it sometimes. I default to doing the opposite of everyone else in fear of losing who I am if I give in. And then when our pastor gave us the challenge of praying about our word at the beginning of the new year I cried as God softened my heart showing me that He had something specific for me if I would just let go of my normal response. I didn't pray about it. I just sat in it. Thinking on the one thing I need to do more of. It's the same thing God and I chat about often. Too often if I'm being honest.

I am scared of everything.

I cannot begin to give you a list, small or lengthy, on all of the things that I'm scared of. Real things. Deep things. I am scared of many things and it hinders my walk more than I'd like to admit. It holds me back from moving forward in certain areas of my life. It makes me less of a wife, mother, friend, and more importantly a daughter of the King. Did I even realize that before? How can a daughter of the bravest be so terrified of everything around her?

Fearless.

That's my word and I'm clinging to it and everything it stands for.

There is a bravery in myself that I have not yet discovered. I want to find it. I want to reach out and claim everything that I'm so scared of as my own personal conquest. 

I thought it would take forever to get from the one year post to this one. 6 months seems like a long time when you say it out loud but Elijah turning an entire year AND a half has completely caught me off guard. Has it really been 6 months already since I threw his first birthday party? And does this really mean that we are now 6 months away from him turning 2? This is cray, y'all. It's also really hard to remember what new developments/milestones have passed in the last 6 months so bare with me here. At 18 months-

• 23 lbs
• 33 inches
• Learning how to eat with a spoon
• Has a special night time/morning drink to help him sleep (tart cherry juice mixed with milk-it works wonders)
• Still taking 2 naps and sleeps about 11 hours at night (until the 18m sleep regression hit. Oy.)
• LOVES to dance
• Some new words: Banene (banana), Obi (My father in law), pawpaw (my dad), tree, pease (please), up, Nonna (My mother in law), yesh (yes)
• Phrases he's mastered: Bye dada and Hi mama
• Tries to sing along to certain songs in the car. It's probably the cutest thing ever
• Wearing 18m clothes but a few 12m shirts still fit
• Loves crayons but gets bored when trying to color
• Starting to be fairly picky
• Favorite foods are any type of mexican food, bananas, and pb&j
• Climbs on everything
• Extremely friendly. Says hi to people every time we're out and about
• Loves the park
• Gives kisses all the time
• Loves to be tickled and now knows how to tickle other people
• Knows how to sniff things when we ask him to smell something and can blow on his food when we tell him it's hot

So thankful that Emily P. Freeman decided to do another link-up that I actually read about it when it happened. I usually catch them a few days late and then forget about them. The last one I did was the letter to my 17 year old self. Wow. That one holds so much for me. So I'm catching this one before it disappears on me. A few things I learned in 2014.