The Hargrove Home

The week before Christmas we went on an awesome trip to Mississippi to visit my father in law's side. We have all been trying to go at the same time since Kaleb and I got married (4.5 years ago) but our schedules never matched up or we just didn't have it in our budget. So, since I knew this might not happen again for a while I proposed we do family pictures. Also, I'm still working on my portfolio so any chance I get to snap some shots I'm all about it! I loved being at Kaleb's grandma's house. It was smack dab in the middle of the sticks...literally. The pictures I took were just a few feet from her actual house and the entire area was just gorgeous. I hope we can take pictures again there for years and years to come.

Holy moly. We're in the double digits people. Baby girl is 10 months old and growing SO fast. At 10 months old:

• Wearing mostly 12m clothes
• Claps
• Waves
• Still only says mama, dada, and bubba but has been trying to say bye bye and milk lately
• Laughs so much and even has a fake laugh now
• Cruises either while holding onto something or pushing her walker
• Loves to "dance" (Bounce up and down or move her head back and forth)
• Still co sleeping
• Taking 2 naps a day
• Wakes twice during the night to nurse
• Eating lots of new foods
• Signs more, all done, and milk
• 7 teeth total (Following in her brother's footsteps, he had 8 by this age)
• Loves to talk and yell
• Tries to be brave and stand on her own but usually falls on her cloth diapered booty

This past month Abigail had her first Thanksgiving. She had turkey, some roasted green beans, and some cranberries. She loved it and had so much being around family. She was hardly ever put down, everyone just wanted to hold her. We are traveling out of the state for the first time next week to see Kaleb's stepdad's family for Christmas. It will be interesting to see how this trip goes with 2 kids. Pray for us! 

I am posting this update right before I type up her 10 month one because I am SO behind. #secondbabyprobs

At 9 months

• 4 teeth
• Pulling up on things and doing baby squats
• Nurses like a newborn still
• Found her own sleep schedule and has been taking great naps
• Still sleeps in our bed
• Wearing 9-12m clothes
• Still in size 3 diapers
• Finally fitting into 3-6m shoes
• Loves to jibber jabber all day long

I know my sister already shared all of the engagement photos I took for her and Emlen but I wanted to share a few of my favorites on the blog and kind of expand on what you may have seen floating around on the album info/other pictures I have posted. Shooting Emlen and Charlotte's engagement pictures was actually one of the top three reasons I wanted to buy a camera in the first place. Many years ago when Kaleb and I were sitting in our last apartment in San Angelo with our nine month old son he shared with me his deeply rooted desire to make a documentary and to expand even more, just his passion in general for filmmaking, videography, and editing videos. It wasn't something new at all. Kaleb did theater in high school and if you've sat and chatted with him for a while than you know his ridiculous amount of knowledge about films, The Oscars, directors, producers, cinematography, etc. To accomplish his passion he would need a lot of equipment starting with (obviously) a camera. I casually mentioned how I would love to learn about photography and thus a dream was born.

Eight. Months. Old.

• Still only has 2 teeth on bottom but has 2 more trying to break through
• Crawls
• Tries to pull herself up (has succeeded a few times) but she is mostly wobbly right now
• Sits herself up and has great balance there now
• New foods she has tried-Corn, chicken, black beans, eggs, cheese, nectarines, mashed cauliflower
• Foods she has actually enjoyed-Nectarines and eggs
• Yells all day long
• Favorite word is Bubba
• Laughing more
• Nursing still allllll day
• Wakes 3 times at night usually to nurse, has at least 1 four hour stretch of sleep
• Seeing her chiropractor every other week now
• Size 9m-12m clothes
• Sticks her tongue out when she smiles

This month marks her first round of "holidays" even though Halloween isn't really a holiday I guess. Still so fun and can't wait to see her in her ladybug costume! Abigail's aunt sissy just got engaged so in a few months she will also be a flower girl! So many fun things happening over these next 6 months. Since she's already pulling up I thought I would bring out her walker soon but I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't want her to take her first steps yet. My heart wouldn't be able to handle it. She's getting so close to a year old that it almost hurts. I can't believe how quickly everything is moving lately-her development, age, milestones. It's all coming on so fast and I'm just begging time to slow down even for a moment. 

At 7 months our sweet girl-

• Has 2 teeth on bottom
• Finally sleeps without being swaddle but still has crazy movements
• Has somewhat of a rhythm she has set into with naps and bed time but still doesn't sleep in her crib so a lot of it is me laying down with her and sneaking away when she falls asleep
• Scoots backwards but hasn't figured out how to move forward yet
• Gets up on all fours but hasn't started crawling yet
• New foods she has tried-Ground beef, cauliflower, sweet potato, dry waffle
• Doesn't seem to care for food very much. She loves to play with it and try it but after a few minutes she's just completely over the whole thing
• Loves her exercauser
• Nurses round the clock still and through the night
• Only has to see the chiropractor every other week now instead of every week
• Wearing 9m clothes and a few 12m
• Size 3 diapers still
• Baby chats all day long and when there is a lot of people talking or her brother is being loud she HAS to be heard so she will yell at the top of her lungs
• Sits up on her own very well now and can move from sitting to being on her tummy but hasn't figured out the vice versa yet
• Still hardly laughs but when she does it's the best 30 seconds of our life

I guess it's time for that half a year post. The one that breaks my heart only second to the one year post. Half a year is such a mile marker. It means we're now inching our way towards a first birthday and it reminds me that time doesn't stand still even though I'm demanding it over and over again. I look at Abigail and I see me. Elijah has looked like his daddy since day one but Abigail is my claim to myself. She is me made over and while I love discovering the quirks and facial features we share as she grows I hate that she is not this tiny thing swaddled perfectly in my arms again. She is, in fact, half a year old. And at half a year she-

• 15 lbs 12oz
• 25 in
• Rolls all around 
• Scoots backwards
• Sits up for long periods of time but I'm still not comfortable leaving her sitting up by herself yet
• Has started BLW (Baby Led Weaning) and has tried avocado, banana, and mango
• Laughs more now but still not as much as we'd like
• Me and Elijah get the most laughs out of her which is probably because we try all day long to do it
• Size 3 diapers
• Size 6m clothes and fits in a few 12m rompers
• 0-3m size shoes
• Can say mama and is working on dada and bubba
• Still nurses round the clock and through the night, all night
• Does not sleep in her crib but that's about to change (Hello round 2 of CIO)
• Has 2 teeth on bottom that I can see but have not broken through the gum line yet

As I sit down to reflect on another year that has rooted deep into the ground underneath our small and budding marriage I find myself needing to write down who Kaleb has been this past year. He has stood in a place that I imagine no spouse wants to stand in. He stood in as a rock while I processed so much this year. A new baby and losing my dad all within a span of months was difficult to say the least but Kaleb stood there. He stood up for our marriage and for my heart. He never wavered and he stood firm in our promise when I could have counted on one hand how many times I deserved it. I guess we found out this past year that I close up with a major loss in my life. It's not something we could have known unfortunately. It was just something we had to watch unfold and find out where my heart would go. I've always felt very undeserving of Kaleb's love for me but this year just capitalized on that. Kaleb sees me and knows me like no other person ever could. He brings out a stillness in me that a lot of the time doesn't feel possible but beautifully enough he also embraces my fire that tends to rise up so often. While we were driving back from San Angelo this past weekend, discussing life as we tend to do when we spend hours on the road together he held my stare and said, "You really are my best friend, Breanna." My stomach sank and tears welled not because that's surprising but because after 4 years, 2 babies, and so many hard things you forget to tell each other stuff like that. He told me something on that trip that I never really thought about before. He told me after 4 years of marriage that he finally understands what being equally yoked means. Not just in faith but in parenting and teaching and in so many other areas we see eye to eye more than I realized was even necessary years ago when we said "I do." He has never had to prove his love for me but he still does over and over again because he wants to, not because he needs to.

I have a three year old! This is crazy. Mostly because he's my OLDEST. How weird is that? I have an oldest and a youngest now. My oldest, my first born, he turned three. At three years old Elijah-

• Semi potty trained (is that a thing?)
• Wears size 3T in clothing and size 7 in kids shoes
• Talks ALL the time. He's never quiet.
• Favorite foods-PBJ (of course), fries, all fruit, kefir (drink), burritos, pasta
• Favorite TV show-Animal Mechanicals and Dino Train
• Loves to play on his LeapPad
• Loves to play at the park
• LOVES to swim and is a lot better now that he has had a few swim lessons
• Very obsessed with Star Horse (Star Wars) even though he's never actually watched it
• Loves anything dinosaur and even pretends he is a dinosaur. He has a great T-Rex impression
• Favorite phrases-"I'm hungry", "Sister is SOOO cute", and "Mmm. No, thanks."
• He's a sponge. Literally he soaks up everything around him all the time
• Has his first cavity (womp, womp)
• Sleeps about 11-12 hours at night
• Does not nap. He basically gave those up last year
• Loves the church nursery. He's always excited to play and see his friends
• Also, he has been nicknamed "The Runner" at church for obvious reasons-he escapes!
• Drums like his daddy. Seriously, he keeps beat really well for a three year old, it's kind of shocking
• Sings all day, everyday like his mama

For some reason month 4 went by very fast because month 5 seemed to sneak up on us. Here we go!
At 5 months-

• Wearing size 3 diapers
• Wearing 3-6m/6m clothes
• Moved up to the medium size in her cloth diapers
• Recently started nursing much more/being more fussy/chewing/drooling=TEETHING
• 30-45 minutes naps which basically means chick doesn't nap
• Sleeps in 2-3 hour stretches at night/co sleeps with us
• Won't sleep in her crib anymore
• Still swaddled but it's starting to look like that won't be for much longer
• Has started seeing the chiropractor a few times a week for Torticollis and her flat head
• Loves tummy time a lot more now
• Pushes up onto her hands
• Turns her head in the direction of any noise 
• Mostly just wants to be with mama
• Still doesn't laugh very much but smiles all the time
• Sits up on her own with a boppy behind her for when she leans too far over and falls
• Starting to like different toys
• Still hates her carseat
• Still has cradle cap
• Can put her paci in her mouth by herself
• LOVES her Sophie Giraffe and Captain Calamari (one of Elijah's old baby toys)

She is four months old! That sweet princess of ours. At four months old she is-

• 13lbs 12oz
• 24.5 in
• going through the four month sleep regression
• Sleeping in her crib for naps which currently only lasts about 30-45 minutes but cosleeping with us still at night and sleeps in 3 hour stretches usually
• Nurses all the time still (block feeding)
• Trying desperately to sit up on her own
• TEETHING. I tried to kid myself and say that she wasn't but she is a fussy biter and Copaiba oil makes her feel better so yes, she is teething.
• Doing turns when she's laid down but not rolling over both ways yet, still only from tummy to back
• Found her feet and loves to pull them toward her
• Still loves to be (double) swaddled
• Still hates her car seat
• Loves her wubby and Sophie Giraffe
• Sits in her bumbo for about 10 minutes a day
• Drools and chews on everything
• Laughed for the first time about a week ago but hasn't really done it again since
• Smiles all the time now especially at her family
• LOVES to stare at her daddy and brother

Since having my own children Father's Day has been mostly about Kaleb. He's the father of my babies and the best one at that so I do my best to figure out how to make him feel special on the Father's Days he has experienced. I do that because he deserves it but I also do it because I know he misses his own dad. This fatherless thing isn't quite new to me. I've watched both of my favorite people, my husband and sister, lose their dads and really deal with it. I mean really, really deal with it. I've seen Kaleb break down in a hallway and Charlotte cry on the kitchen floor. I've seen it. I've witnessed it first hand but then my own dad passed away and I wondered why it hadn't hit me the way it did them. I felt mostly numb, I wrestled with my faith a bit, and I just simply missed him. I missed him incredibly much especially during the holidays with family around and definitely when Abigail was born and everyone visited us at the hospital. He wasn't there and it was hard. But I didn't imagine Father's Day being this hard. It's not even here and every time I see another Father's Day gift pop up on Instagram or Amazon telling me "Your dad would love this" I simply feel a bit sick.

I think I need to simply unplug that week from social media lest every dad post make me weep and make me long for my own dad who isn't here. I haven't done much breaking/melting down since he passed away but when I think about not being able to call my own dad on Father's Day, it hurts. It hurts in a new way that it hasn't hurt like this whole time hes been gone.

I just miss him.

I think for now it's ok to be sad.

She's 3 months! I feel like I'm updating this blog way too often with her monthly updates. Time needs to slow down. We haven't been to see her pediatrician in a while since her next wellness check isn't until 4 months so forgive me for not having her weight and height this time around. But at 3 months-

• Nurses every 2 hours still during the day but has ramped up nursing more at night because of her developmental leap
• Glands are overproducing so she drools, sweats, and stays congested a lot lately
• Wearing size 1 diapers still
• Wearing size 3m clothes and some of her 3m-6m outfits
• Can no longer be froggy in the wrap when I wear her but sticks her legs out now
• Still naps in her swing all the time and co sleeps with me and Kaleb at night
• Still hates her carseat unfortunately
• Can kick her legs up and tries to grab her feet
• Grips her O Ball very well as well as my hair and Kaleb's beard
• Sucks on her hands constantly
• Wants to be facing out when she's being held, she loves to see the world
• Hates the hiccups with a passion
• SMILES (OMG)
• Gets very excited when she sees my face, Kaleb's face, or Elijah's face
• Gearing up to giggle but not quite there yet
• Still coo's all the time and loves for you to talk to her

Last year when I turned 24 I posted a little photo of me, Kaleb, and Elijah with a caption that read-

"I feel like this is the first year that I can confidently say I know who I am. Some people find themselves in high school, some in college but I found myself this last year."

Two days later I miscarried our baby.

While I do believe I found myself that year I also believe that this past year I have found my faith. I've always had such an easy time choosing God. As soon as I was saved any hard time that came it was still so easy for me to choose the Lord. But then we lost a baby and then I lost my dad and somehow choosing God became not so easy. I wrote a post about my dad and shared how I almost walked away from it all. That moment of deciding all of this was still worth it changed my faith and challenged it really to keep growing. I really had to ask myself (and I still do) if I believe that right now God is still who I believe Him to be. Is He a good father? Yes. Is He mighty to save? Yes. Is He my comfort and peace even now? Yes. Is He my teacher and my bridegroom? Yes. Does He love me? YES! Do I love Him? A thousand times, YES! There were moments while I was in the middle of loss where I really thought the Lord didn't love me. But right now seeing that perfect little girl napping so soundly in her swing and that rambunctious, joyous toddler reading books on the floor I know that He does. Look at those two gifts He entrusted me with. Let alone the amazing gift of marrying Kaleb that He entrusted me with as well. All of these things, all of this sequence of events carried out goodness in the end because that's what He promised back in Romans 8. We know two things for sure: that there will be trouble in this life but that He is the giver of peace. He has overcome the world! While He didn't cause these things He can and He does weave them together and makes something incredibly beautiful out of them because He is Father who loves His children deeply. It doesn't always come in the form of an actual gift like a home or a child. Sometimes it comes in the form of things you've never experienced before like peace that you can't explain or value that you never realized you had before. That tough season or hard moment you find yourself in? Just hold tight to Elohim. There is something great coming for you.

"Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken." Psalm 62:5-6

She's two months, yall! Two. Freaking. Months. Lets get on with these bullets, shall we?

• 10lbs 10oz
• 22.5 in
• Still nursing every 2-3 hours during the day and doing mostly glorious 4 hour stretches at night
• Rolls tummy to back but only if she's in a disposable diaper (cloth is too bulky)
• Holds her head up like a pro
• Coos/baby chats all the time
• Still sleeps the best when she's swaddled but fights the initial swaddling process
• Loves her play mat and tries to bat at the toys hanging from it
• Likes her car seat a little more now
• Size 1 diapers when she's in disposables but she's usually in cloth diapers now
• 0-3m/3m clothes
• Mimics us when we stick our tongue out at her or make the O shape with our lips
• Smirks but doesn't full on smile yet
• Co sleeps with me and Kaleb still
• She takes forever to initially fall asleep at night but then wakes up to nurse and goes back to sleep easily. No middle of the night parties for this girl
• Still completely in love with her swing
• DROOLS 

This little lady is so engaged with the world around her. She could sit on my lap and be content just watching everything else happen in front of her. With that same sentiment she could also be completely content watching me make faces at her all day. People tell me all the time that they've never heard her cry and when I stop to really think about it she definitely is a happy and very mellow baby. With breastfeeding I have noticed she is nothing like Elijah in that area. Elijah loved to nurse and really could do it all day for hours on end if I would have let him. Abigail on the other hand nurses because she's thirsty or hungry and then as soon as she feels satisfied she's done. I have a feeling she is going to be the baby who weans early or goes on nursing strikes. But there is still so much time for her to change and develop. I can't wait to watch her do just that!

Yes, she's already a month old. As does all time....it went fast and I'm so frustrated. Thankfully she hasn't hit any real milestones yet so I don't feel like she's growing too fast. This first month transitioning to two kids has proven to be very hard for Elijah which means it has been pretty hard on me and Kaleb. Elijah is a strong willed boy already but now that Abigail is here his strong will has almost tripled. Without going into too much detail he loves Abigail but is not too happy with me and Kaleb and he definitely lets us know. His world has changed a lot this last month but I know as she grows he will adjust better. I can tell he's ready for her to play with him already. He brings her toys in hopes that she will just reach out and grab them but sadly that won't be the case for quite a few months. At one month old Abigail is-

• 8lbs 9oz
• 21 inches
• Nursing every two hours during the day but can go three or four hours at night
• Does not burp or spit up a lot which can be hard on her tummy sometimes
• HATES her car seat
• Loves to sit and just take in the world around her
• Loves being swaddled
• Prefers to sleep on daddys chest than on mine
• Co sleeps with us at night
• Enjoys tummy time for about ten minutes and then gets frustrated that she can't roll over