The Hargrove Home

Dear Abigail,

I've never walked such a hard road in the (almost) 6 years I've been saved than I have in these last 6 months. Death can really take a toll on you and your faith. My grandmother, my miscarriage, and then my dad. It's all too much heartache at one time to even bare most days. In my quest of "why" I've found that I just wanted to walk away from this whole thing. Salvation, Jesus, God, church, Christianity....all of it. I just wanted out. If this was what was going to happen, God would take people from me...then I wanted out. That's what I've thought these last two weeks more than ever. I just. Want. Out. I could scream it to the top of my lungs and probably still not believe it though. I don't walk this road with the Lord because it's easy or comfortable. It's the exact opposite. C.S. Lewis said "I didn't go to religion to make me 'happy'. I always knew a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly don't recommend Christianity." Nothing ever really shook my faith before this. I've honestly stood on solid ground through the entirety of these last 6 years. Even with minor hurt and questions and seasons, I've just stood on solid ground. So, when the ground started breaking beneath me I thought about running. It would feel better to run than it would to stand here while it shakes.

But I can't walk away. I never could and I never will. That doesn't speak on what an amazing Christian I am or how big my faith is. It speaks on how amazing my God is and how He is ALWAYS faithful even when I'm faithless. There was a time when I lived without God and it was the worst time of my life. And still while I ignored Him and turned my back on His face, He relentlessly pursued me. He didn't stop because I made it hard. He kept on pushing and whispering and loving me. He didn't give up and I can't give up now. Because even while this whole ordeal hurts like hell I've still never known peace like this. A peace that flows in and out of my soul even in the midst of pain. I still have hope. I still have a Kingdom I'll be in one day where I will have the most beautiful reunion with my dad and we will hold hands while we worship the Father who so selflessly gave His son for us so that we could be right there in that moment together. And that son who could have walked away just as easily as I could, shed his blood to make a way for me, for my dad, for my husband, and for my children.



Grief and mourning aren't necessarily new to me but losing a parent takes on a whole new form. It's weird and tricky. Even after you're married and start a family of your own, you still lost someone who you saw day in and day out for so many years. Majority of those years were spent in attitude and teen angst; disliking all of the times he said no and begging him to say yes. Never understanding that he was trying to protect me. And without God we wouldn't have been able to restore our relationship. I wouldn't have been able to experience a father/daughter relationship the way it was meant to be if He hadn't wrecked me and gave me new life. While I will never understand why that exact moment was the time the Lord chose to call my dad Home, I am so thankful that He called him to a Home that I will one day share with him. I am thankful for 5 years of restoration. I am thankful he walked me down the aisle and gave me away to another man who now protects me. I am thankful he spent 2 years loving his first grand baby. I am thankful he loved my mom and gave me Charlotte as a sister when she was just 4 years old. I am thankful he always helped me move to a new apartment even though he was tired and his body was weak. I am thankful for small moments spent out in the garage together just talking about nothing and everything. I am thankful for the time and space he allowed me to have when I went away to college. I am thankful for the countless years he loved me even when I was rebellious and wild. I am thankful he never gave up on me.



He spent more years wrapped in addiction than he did walking with the Lord but the biggest picture I see is the VICTORY his story tells. His testimony colors the picture of perseverance so perfectly. It shows that he struggled and sinned but that God can change any life, at any age, and at any season.  His story reminds me why I can't give up and walk away. My dad's life will be a reminder always of the purpose the pain has. The Lord loves my dad so much that He saw his broken body and chose to take him to a place where his body is whole and his pain is completely wiped away. He gives and takes away and while he takes away He still remains good and He still remains God.

Hey there teeny one!

The second trimester is here and it feels like I can breathe more easily. You are safe. You are making your home inside of me more and more each day and a small part of me was scared we wouldn't see this milestone but here we are, baby. We did it! We made it through the first trimester, me and you. I promised myself I wouldn't write to you until we had reached the second trimester. I started writing letters to your brother much earlier than this but I had to be so cautious with you. Nevertheless you are a sweet glimpse of hope for our family, proof that God sees and knows our hearts more than we realize. I'm going to look into your eyes every day and be reminded that redemption is possible. You are forever going to have a special story that goes beyond whatever your birth story will be and whatever future God already has in store for you. I know Elijah is incredibly excited to meet you even though he definitely doesn't understand that you will be on the outside of my body eventually. Daddy is still erring on the side of caution as I imagined he would be but in general dad's just wait for that first moment they feel you kick. The bonding experience is so unique and special between you and I because I'm your home right now but for daddies and babies it takes some time to really know you're in there safe and sound. We are anxiously awaiting your first kicks, little one. And to find out what you are, of course.

At 13 weeks:
-No more sickness! It stopped at 9 weeks but would ebb and flow a bit these last few weeks
-Energy still seems far out of my reach but those quick 20 minute cat naps seem to help a ton
-Bump is more distinct but still can't fit into majority of my maternity clothes
-No real cravings just a lot of food aversions

I'm relying a lot on God's peace to get me through the next few weeks until I can see/feel signs of you growing safely inside of me. Repeating this verse over and over -

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

Three years.

TWO!!!!!!

My first born is two. My oldest baby is not even looking like a baby anymore. He seems so grown up even though I know there is so much more growing he still has to do. A few things this two year old can do/likes:

• Forming actual sentences
• Loves to repeat
• Has become a much pickier eater #pickyeatersclub
• Favorite foods-all fruit, PBJ sandwiches, and anything that's dippable
• Down to one nap a day
• Can climb out of his crib and pack n play
• Has become more of an early riser
• Loves to "play" golf
• Loves for anyone and everyone to read to him
• Favorite TV shows are Jake and The Neverland Pirates ("Yo-Ho") and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse
• Loves the slide at the park and will spend a whole hour going down it over and over again
• Loves the splash pad
• Wearing 2T clothes
• Size 5-6 in shoes
• Can use the potty and asks constantly but we haven't begun full on potty training yet
• Runs everywhere. Walking is too slow for him.
• Loves to kiss mama's belly and say hello to his baby sibling
• Not shy at all, extremely friendly
• Current favorite phrases-"Oh, MAN!" and "Daddy, come here!" 
• Loves playing with other kids but hasn't quite learned how to share toys yet

There are so many cool things to do in Fort Worth especially in the summer. Last year at this time we had just moved so we were getting to know the town and figure out some cheap/free family things to do. There weren't many options mainly because Elijah was just one. He turns two next month and it's crazy what a difference a year makes. We have so many more options that have opened up for us to do as a family this summer. Stuff we know he will enjoy as well as activities that we can do as a family but will be more fun than stressful (can I get an amen, toddler parents?). I've tried to provide as many links as possible so if you're in this area you can try them out as well! If you'll notice there is a small trend with most of them. Hint: It's going to be hot in Texas, y'all.

• Bicentennial Splash Pad
• Sycamore Spray Ground
• Burger's Lake
• Fort Worth Zoo (For an extra $5 you can enjoy their splash pad before or after your zoo trip and Wednesdays are half price admission)
• Panther Fest (The Slide is already sold out but there are a ton of other things to do their. So fun!)
• Pirates Cove
• NRH2O (This one and the above can get a bit pricey so we will probably only go once or twice this summer to each)
• Rockport (Kaleb's add to the list)
• Enchanted Rock (Kaleb's add-he says he'll wear Elijah the whole time. Ha! We'll see how that goes)
• Coyote Drive-In
• Fort Worth Children's Museum
• Trips to Kerrville
• Lots of park play
• Find some lightening bugs and catch them in a jar
• Family Drop-in
• Feed the ducks at the pond
• Go for lots of family walks in the evenings
• Teach E to ride a tricycle
• Take E to Build-A-Bear
• Movie nights in Sundance Square
• Celebration of Freedom
• Visit Clearfork Food Park
• Movies in the park
• Little Sprouts
• Forest Park Miniature Railroad

I have tried to write about my experience at Marriage Encounter as I said I would. I have also tried to write a Mother's Day post but the only post I want and need to write is the one I've typed up and deleted a few times in the last few weeks. This blog is my safe haven and my voice, it's my raw and vulnerable state where I love to be. No one likes sharing the awful and tragic parts of their life but this is my place to do it. So much freedom comes from writing it all down even if that means sharing it with the world or just sharing it with my small part of this world.