The Hargrove Home

Three years!

4:14 PM

Three years.

Three years with my best friend.

My vows I made to him three years ago today show more and more the truth in who Kaleb is for me. I say it all the time but he keeps proving that he is my calm just like I told him he was in front of all of our friends and family three years ago. This last year was hard. I lost my grandma, we miscarried a baby, he was without a job for a month, and we questioned our paths a bit, We hit a wide range of emotions and experienced quite a few firsts together. I can't imagine this is our hardest year but we weathered the storm together well. Sometimes it was hard to hold on but we did it and here we are celebrating three years.

Just like with any hard year there was so much good that unfolded as well. The Lord decided to fill my womb again and Kaleb's new job was more than we expected it to be. It's crazy to think that these things weigh in on a marriage but that's exactly what life does. It weighs in on your relationship with your spouse and presses down hard. I can't imagine either one of us expected so many life altering things to happen in just three years but I'm so grateful to the Lord for choosing Kaleb as the man I get to experience such a dippy roller coaster with.

Kaleb,

I know year two was hard but I'm believing year three to be our year, babe. Our year of promises fulfilled, hope, and redemption. You have held me together piece by piece with each wave that hit us this year. I pray I did the same for you. I love unraveling our story and really digging deep into what makes our relationship unique and special. I'm still in disbelief how well God knows my heart and the kind of man I needed. I hope I've been true to the wife I know God has asked me to be for you. It drives me nuts how perfect you can be. While I constantly screw up, you are constantly cleaning up my mess and then blindly choosing me still. I can't thank you enough for that. Not just for choosing me each day but for choosing to not see my many flaws and for always being encouraging in areas you know I have the least hope in. You were built to be a husband; you do it so well. You teach me about love and marriage and sacrifice on a daily basis. And just like I knew you would, you fill our home with so much laughter. I love you, husband.

Birthday

Happy second birthday, Elijah!

1:59 PM

TWO!!!!!!

My first born is two. My oldest baby is not even looking like a baby anymore. He seems so grown up even though I know there is so much more growing he still has to do. A few things this two year old can do/likes:

Forming actual sentences
Loves to repeat
Has become a much pickier eater #pickyeatersclub
Favorite foods-all fruit, PBJ sandwiches, and anything that's dippable
Down to one nap a day
Can climb out of his crib and pack n play
Has become more of an early riser
Loves to "play" golf
Loves for anyone and everyone to read to him
Favorite TV shows are Jake and The Neverland Pirates ("Yo-Ho") and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse
Loves the slide at the park and will spend a whole hour going down it over and over again
Loves the splash pad
Wearing 2T clothes
Size 5-6 in shoes
Can use the potty and asks constantly but we haven't begun full on potty training yet
Runs everywhere. Walking is too slow for him.
Loves to kiss mama's belly and say hello to his baby sibling
Not shy at all, extremely friendly
Current favorite phrases-"Oh, MAN!" and "Daddy, come here!"
Loves playing with other kids but hasn't quite learned how to share toys yet

Dear Elijah,

The year of two is going to be such a big year for you. You will become a brother and you will no longer be my only baby. This is really hard for me and I know it will be so hard for you as well but you are always the boy who made me a mama. Watching you grow and do all of these things for the first time is so exciting. You teach me so much and I know you will be such a great brother. I'm so glad the Lord gave me such a rambunctious little boy as my first baby. You test me and show me that I am well equipped to be your mama. Your strong will, though hard at times, is going to be your biggest strength in life as you grow up. You are an amazing little boy and so incredibly smart. Your kindness and your outgoing spirit are some of my favorite things about you. You make everyone feel loved, what a great gift! I love you, Rijah-Roo. You are absolutely my favorite little boy.

Love,

Mama

Family

Hargrove summer bucket list

12:04 PM

There are so many cool things to do in Fort Worth especially in the summer. Last year at this time we had just moved so we were getting to know the town and figure out some cheap/free family things to do. There weren't many options mainly because Elijah was just one. He turns two next month and it's crazy what a difference a year makes. We have so many more options that have opened up for us to do as a family this summer. Stuff we know he will enjoy as well as activities that we can do as a family but will be more fun than stressful (can I get an amen, toddler parents?). I've tried to provide as many links as possible so if you're in this area you can try them out as well! If you'll notice there is a small trend with most of them. Hint: It's going to be hot in Texas, y'all.

Bicentennial Splash Pad
Sycamore Spray Ground
Burger's Lake
Fort Worth Zoo (For an extra $5 you can enjoy their splash pad before or after your zoo trip and Wednesdays are half price admission)
Panther Fest (The Slide is already sold out but there are a ton of other things to do their. So fun!)
Pirates Cove
NRH2O (This one and the above can get a bit pricey so we will probably only go once or twice this summer to each)
Rockport (Kaleb's add to the list)
Enchanted Rock (Kaleb's add-he says he'll wear Elijah the whole time. Ha! We'll see how that goes)
Coyote Drive-In
Fort Worth Children's Museum
Trips to Kerrville
Lots of park play
Find some lightening bugs and catch them in a jar
Family Drop-in
Feed the ducks at the pond
Go for lots of family walks in the evenings
Teach E to ride a tricycle
Take E to Build-A-Bear
Movie nights in Sundance Square
Celebration of Freedom
Visit Clearfork Food Park
Movies in the park
Little Sprouts
Forest Park Miniature Railroad

I'm sure as summer goes on I'll figure out some more to add but for now I think this seems pretty full. I highly doubt we will conquer this whole list but on the Kaleb's days off and the time we all have together it's nice to have a list so we can go back and remember. It's going to be a good summer, folks!

Elijah

Little Bean

12:36 PM

I have tried to write about my experience at Marriage Encounter as I said I would. I have also tried to write a Mother's Day post but the only post I want and need to write is the one I've typed up and deleted a few times in the last few weeks. This blog is my safe haven and my voice, it's my raw and vulnerable state where I love to be. No one likes sharing the awful and tragic parts of their life but this is my place to do it. So much freedom comes from writing it all down even if that means sharing it with the world or just sharing it with my small part of this world.

On April 15th Kaleb and I lost what would have been our second baby. I've been calling this baby Little Bean. That's what it was-just a tiny little bean inside of me. I've tried to make myself understand it over and over again. A life that had no chance to be celebrated before it was quickly torn from me. So, this is my way of remembering Little Bean.

This is so much more than a miscarriage. For me it's a miscarriage again.

I wonder if I'm high risk and I wonder if I will ever feel God this close again. I wonder each week if I would have been showing yet or feeling the normal symptoms of a life growing inside of me. Was it the baby girl I've dreamed of or another baby boy to fill my home with more of Elijah's laughter?

I tried to put on a brave face at the beginning. I talked about how lucky I was to not have carried it any further and then lose it. I talked about how lucky I am to be able to have Elijah. I talked about how blessed I am to be so young because we can try again. But to be raw and vulnerable like I said I would be-this sucks. It still burns a hole deep inside of me that I feel every time I see another woman announce her pregnancy. I am so incredibly happy for all of these sweet mama's who deserve the tiny ones growing inside of them but I'm still angry. I'm not even sure who to be angry at. But what I do know is that God is still good and He is still God. He reminds me of Psalm 34:18 and has put a new song on my lips. He has rooted Himself deeper in my heart, in the parts of my soul that I felt were too dark for Him to be near. He has shown me once again that He does not leave me or forsake me.

Elijah is my rainbow baby on both sides. He was the rainbow after a storm and the calm before another one. We'll see another rainbow again, a promise of hope and new life. For a mom who has experienced two miscarriages now I have to say that though many people believe we won't know each other in Heaven I have to tell you that you are dead wrong. Like a friend of mine said, "You'll know their faces, mama." and I will. I'll hold my babies and kiss their faces. My heart is sure of it.

I hate that I have to move on with life. After the initial physical pain had subsided that day, I walked downstairs where Kaleb was making dinner and just sat at the table feeling like I should be in bed all day, mumbling how stupid and unfair this all was. Some cartoon was on in the background and Elijah was running wild in the living room with his sweet laughter but I couldn't feel reality. I just sat numb in that moment. We cried through bites of pasta and for the better part of the night I couldn't get ahold of myself. I wept on and off for the rest of the night and still missing Little Bean comes in waves. Today has definitely been rough and I think it gave me the push I needed to finally write this. I'm not quite sure how you can miss a baby you never saw or held but you can and any mama who has experienced this could tell you the same.

On a sweet and humbling note my baby didn't open it's eyes and see nurses or midwives. It didn't feel the cold air of a hospital or even the warmth of being born at home. Instead, my baby opened it's eyes and saw the face of the King. I didn't get to nurse it at the start of it's life but it did get to rest in the arms of Jesus. And somehow that's enough for me. I can't understand it and I'm sure it's not something anyone can wrap their heads around but here we are in this spot and walking this specific road right now. The rest of life is swirling around and I'm just here trying to hold it together. I will always wonder who Little Bean would have been.

"I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord." Isaiah 66:9

discipling

Always Rain

9:21 AM

"But there's always rain."

When I lived in San Angelo I remember distinctly one year seeing signs everywhere that said, "Pray For Rain." It doesn't rain very often in San Angelo in general but this year was particularly bad. Everything was so dry. We went months upon months without it and people were even talking about moving because the water supply was so low. These people are also the young people who sat at Mr. T's, hung over on a Saturday morning, discussing their raving pool party plans for later that afternoon. So, I didn't take them too seriously but it was still a weird thing to hear people talk about. Moving because there was no water. It was crazy.

And then it would rain.

Not always the amount we wanted it to but always just enough. Instead of a down pour that lasted an entire day it would rain for an hour in the evening. Usually after someone decided to wash their car. And you'd find people updating their Facebook status' or taking pictures with super cool filters on Instagram because they wanted to remember that moment. They thought it would never come again so they needed to remember. Months would go by again and I would see the signs outside of the restaurants or tacked up on the Scherz Landscape sign because those guys really did need it to rain. Business was probably terrible during those long months of drought. "Pray For Rain" was everywhere I looked.

There are so many things that make it hard for me to sleep anymore. So many things I want and so many things I find myself saying, "God, we need this" into an empty living room while Kaleb is at work and Elijah is napping. Sometimes it's materialisitc like a house (because apartment life with a rowdy two year old is a cruel form of torture). Sometimes it's healing my heart for the ones that aren't with us anymore. Sometimes it's victory over fear (this fearless journey is getting so hard). It's even for things like broken relationships.

"God, we need this. God, I need this. God, I'm not moving from this spot until it rains, until You rain."

I woke up this morning and as clear as the sound of the rain outside I heard Him say,

"But there's always rain."

There is always rain.

I don't know what healing you're looking for or what thing you feel you need but I do know that there is always rain. Sometimes it doesn't feel like quite enough, I know that. I feel like I'm the queen of discontent most days. I'm sure that's why God spoke that sentence so loudly to me this morning, because I'm so discontent right now. But I do know that one hour of His outpouring measures out my heart well. I know that in between the months of waiting for those things you're praying for, it feels like you're not going to make it. You will. When Satan feeds you the lie that God is never going to answer that prayer or that He is not coming to your rescue just remember

"But there's always rain."

"Oh I believe, I believe
I see the cloud and Oh the rain is coming
Oh the rain is coming

Oh revival, revival rain
Oh I see the clouds
It's coming, it's coming

I believe, I believe Jesus You're mighty to save
And I believe You pour out Your Spirit upon all, Please God
I believe, I believe, I believe You're pouring down
Oh it's gonna rain. It's gonna rain. I believe.

-Jesus Culture

Kaleb

Marriage Encounter (expectations)

6:35 PM

In 3 weeks Kaleb and I will be attending our first marriage conference. I'm not even sure if that's what it's really called. Conference, retreat? I'm not sure. AG Marriage Encounter will be in Dallas April 24-26 and we're going!!! I heard about it from a friend of mine who said many couples I know have went to it and had nothing but good things to say about it. We actually registered way back in January. There's only 40 spots so they fill up quite quickly and I didn't want to miss out. I don't know much about this conference except that it's suppose to give you an even better marriage than you already have. I don't know if they do small break out sessions or if you're in a big room with all of the other attendees the whole time. I don't know if you spend a lot of time alone with your spouse or if you have a lot of free time for discussions with other people. What I do know is Kaleb and I need this.

We have a really good marriage in my opinion. Nothing traumatic or major has tainted our unity except parenthood. Ok...having a baby didn't taint it but it sure made it hard. We didn't spend much time married before we got pregnant. We don't know what it's like to just be with each other. I think we missed out on a lot of growing together because we spent the first 11.5 months of our marriage preparing for a baby. I treasure that time because we had to get tough really fast. No sleep, living off coffee and Jesus during the wee hours of the morning, learning to quietly argue because the baby was sleeping, and learning that we have to nurture this marriage hard core if we want to be better followers of Christ, parents, and of course spouses.

A whole weekend with Kaleb in a hotel room? It's like our honeymoon all over again! Plus learning how to make our marriage even better than it already is? Yep. I'm excited!

I love walking into things like this with a heart of expectancy. I expect the Lord to work hard on us individually, pointing us towards the mirror before we even think of pointing fingers at one another. And then gently lead us into better communication over those "constant fights." That's what I call the arguments that seem to never end. The ones that you feel like you keep having, resolving nothing. Yea, we all have them. I know we're not the only ones. But most of all I expect to connect deeper. That sounds so cliche but like I said above we never really had the chance to just be married. We missed out on a lot of those middle of the night conversations and prayers over our life together and heart cries. We've had them for sure but not nearly at the level of connecting that I'm sure couples who had a few years of marriage without children probably did. We missed out on vacations together and road trips over the weekend. So, in one weekend completely devoted to our God and our marriage I'm expecting big things.

I can't wait to see how reality matches up with my expectations.

Change

Right places and familiar faces

9:42 AM

Today marks a monumental day on The Hargrove Home blog-the fog of writer's block is slowly lifting and I feel like I can write again. It's been literally a month since I've posted anything and that was not by choice or a busy schedule, I have had the dreaded writer's block. I mostly write out of a thinking process through my life and all that is going on around me so it has been an exceptionally hard month not being able to sort through things.

Yesterday we attended service at our old church back in San Angelo and just like everything I'm scared of, the fear faded as God confirmed the doubt in my heart. On my journey to become fearless I have conquered quite a few things already. I was a tad hesitant to attend service at SAF because I know my heart and how much it aches for all of the dear friends we have moved away from. The smiles and the greetings from familiar faces as I dropped off Elijah in the nursery made the doubt rise. The hugs made the fear fall all around me. And then...

I walked over to the woman I had been longing to see the most. A sweet woman who has been a stronghold in my life ever since I met her. I hugged her the way you hug a person when you haven't seen them in 9 months. The instant love made the tears I had been trying so hard to fight back come flowing down the curves of my face. I shook in her arms and held on tighter as she spoke life over me once again. Without knowing why I was crying she spoke the words I know only God could have given her to tell me-"You are in the right place. We miss you here but you're doing the right thing."

There are many times God speaks to me and I'm sure I missed it completely and then there are times like that where I can't pretend to be distracted. I didn't miss this. I heard it loud and clear.

Maybe you need this today-

You are in the right place.

I never once doubted our move once it happened. I never doubted it as I missed my friends or as we got connected in our new church. I never did...until we went on the women's retreat back in October. I knew why the doubt crept around me then. I was surrounded by a community of women and hadn't had enough time to settle into our new church and get connected with all of the lovely women there (see: sick kid, Kaleb's job at that time, weddings, etc). Hence the fear that came when we decided to visit SAF yesterday. I miss our friends and I'm certain I will never stop missing them but I love the new ones we're making here. There are so many amazing people we've met over these last 9 months. Amazing people that I can't imagine not knowing now that I do know them. People who have openly claimed stakes in our life for the long haul. Women who have shared wisdom with me and men who have engaged completely in Kaleb's life. I love them and I imagine one day if God calls us away from Fort Worth the way He called us away from San Angelo I'll probably feel a heavy heart when having to leave these people. I hate missing people and I hate saying good bye but I love the words He gave me yesterday.

You are in the right place.

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The Hargrove Home

Three years!

Happy second birthday, Elijah!

Hargrove summer bucket list

Little Bean

Always Rain

Marriage Encounter (expectations)

Right places and familiar faces

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