Baby,
Something is on my heart heavy today. It's like a weight I can't push off until I tell you. Because I know kid's grow up hearing things and then wondering for themselves if it's true or not. So to clear the air-You were planned. I mean literally. Daddy and I planned for you to be here, we prayed about it, we got counsel over it (actually I got counsel from one person over it but she is someone who I get all of my wise counseling from. She is my mentor). You were intentionally thought out, my baby. And that's a hard pill for some people to swallow. Not that it was wrong but a lot of people have opinions on our timeline for things. We rush to quickly and don't think these things through but I've been thinking about you since I was 17. After a traumatic event that year (which I will tell you about when you're much older) I was growing with the Lord. I hadn't given my heart to Him yet but I was working towards it. Something He sweetly whispered to me one night was "I'm taking care of that baby. Don't you worry." And from that day I knew you would never come at the wrong time. Sometimes I feel like we think about things almost too much. When God tells you to go, please go. If He tells you to be a missionary in Ethiopia, go. If He tell's you to be a pastor, go. If He tells you to sing, do it. If He tell's you to be bold, BE BOLD! There isn't enough time left to let fear control your direction in life. Read that again-There isn't enough time left to let fear control your direction in life. That's not said to scare you, my sweet baby. That's said to let you know that you should live out your life for Christ now instead of later.
He's tangible. Know that now. That's something I've spent my whole life (my new life) trying to wrap my head around. He's forming you in my womb right now. He's moving things around inside of me so you can grow and be healthy. He's molding your future spouse. He's in our home. He reigns inside of our hearts. He's there every time I cried over you. He's there when you have your first heartbreak. He's there when you decide on your path. He's there when you walk into your first grade class. He's there when you fall of your bike for the first time. He was right next to daddy when he found his father passed away. He was there when I tried to hide. He's there. He's real. You can touch Him. You can speak to Him and He will always speak to you. And I am a living witness that He. Never. Leaves.
He never leaves us, baby. Through tears now, I can tell that I still struggle with that myself. He walks with me and He'll walk with you soon enough. So, never let others dictate your next move in life. If you're praying about it and God is speaking to you on it then go. Just go.
I love you,
Mommy
P.S. Thanks for waving to me yesterday on the screen. I cried my eyes out in front of the ultrasound technician but it was so worth it.
To my sweet unborn baby,
It feels weird writing to you from beyond the womb. Humorous huh? ;] You'll discover I'm pretty funny but dad is HILARIOUS! He keeps the laughter flowing in our home. Another thing that feels weird is being pregnant at 21 or being pregnant 4 months into being married. These are things you won't understand for a while (a LONG LONG while). But when you do I will be ready (but probably not enthusiastic) to explain what I mean by all of that. I've been thinking about this for a while now. Things I could write to you about and one day, when you're old enough, you can read them and together we can see how much my heart grew through carrying you. I keep thinking of the college aged you. I guess because that's what stage everyone is at in my life. You'll hear daddy and I talk about Chi Alpha a lot and that's probably because you'll grow up in it. You'll grow up in this ministry for college students because that's what daddy wants to do. He wants to teach college students. He wants to be a pastor of a Chi Alpha and by the time you read these I'm sure he will be. Chi Alpha is something that changed both of our lives but only because of the One who brought us there. I hope to raise you in Him, this man that you'll grow up knowing and loving. And one day on your own you will have to choose for yourself to follow Him. That day, my sweet baby, will mark your life forever. Trust me, I know. I can't wait to share with you my story of accepting Christ and I know daddy can't wait either.
You are marked already though. God has a plan for you, baby. A plan that I will try desperately to pray about and over you. People are already praying for you actually. There is an army of leaders, church members, friends, and family praying for you all the time and my heart bursts over that. My pastor's wife has already proclaimed many things over you through prayer over me. She proclaimed that you will reach nations and further the Kingdom and I believe you will. All of this wouldn't make sense if you read these at 5 years old but when you're older you will know.
I'm trying to be patient in my wait to meet you but 7 more months seems like an eternity. The novelty of pregnancy hasn't exactly clicked with me yet. Maybe soon it will when my tummy grows more and I find out what you are (though daddy and I already know in our hearts). I want to say that I'll always protect you and for the most part that will be true but there is a true growth that happens when you go out from underneath my wing. When you experience loss and heart break and frustration and confusion and the surpassing peace you'll never be able to explain...growth happens. I'm already praying for those moments in hopes that you will know who to turn to and that you will always know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made by a God who is in love with you (Psalm 139:14).
Love,
Mommy
