The Hargrove Home

So thankful that Emily P. Freeman decided to do another link-up that I actually read about it when it happened. I usually catch them a few days late and then forget about them. The last one I did was the letter to my 17 year old self. Wow. That one holds so much for me. So I'm catching this one before it disappears on me. A few things I learned in 2014.

Up until Elijah was born I would tell people I couldn't craft and that's still true but I hated crafting then and now I kind of love it. I'm not good at it but I still like it. I can see how entire blogs and magazines are created solely to talk about crafts, give ideas, share tips, etc. There is something to be said about the feeling you get when you finish a craft and it actually turned out pretty good. I've only done a few things here and there since the new year began but I've cultivated a love for it so I know there is more to come in 2015.

2. I enjoy the healthy lifestyle

No. Seriously. At first this year just brought some change in our eating habits mostly because of our finances but now it's turned into something both Kaleb and I really enjoy. I love cooking. I mean LOVE it and even more than that I love cooking real wholesome food. I don't always do it because hello, I'm a human who loves a good cheeseburger and greasy fries too but I do it much more than I did before. A lot more really and since hubby loves it too then we are moving forward in 2015 with the better eating as well as becoming runners. Yep. You read that right. I want to become a runner. I've found this running plan on Pinterest that helps you go from barely even walking to running an entire 5K. It's a 10 week plan and I can't way to start! We'd like to ride bikes more than run but running is free of charge and requires no equipment so I'm excited to see what 2015 holds for our fitness since 2014 kickstarted a healthier lifestyle for the Hargroves.

3. Women friendships are weird

I'm sure I always knew this but it's become more apparent this year. I had one friend at the beginning of the year barely talk to me until it was almost time for us to move and now that I'm gone we talk all the time. Then there's the friends who are vice versa. They talked to me all the time when I lived in San Angelo and now we rarely talk since I've moved. It just happens like that I guess. Another friend of mine who doesn't live in San Angelo or Fort Worth has become a very, very close friend now. Even her husband and Kaleb are good friends and we're actually taking a trip to see them tomorrow! I asked her once why it took both of us moving to become better friends and she said "Because God knew I'd need a friend to text." It's true. It's weird but true. See. Women friendships are weird and that's ok. I'm striving to learn in 2015 that it's ok when friendships are weird, I need to stop taking it personally. 

4. I am a jealous person

Not within my marriage actually but with other things people have. Kaleb and I both do it and we recognize it. We get jealous of the people who have the beautiful house while we're still stuck in a town home and the people with the good car while ours still has no window in the back. It's a green eyed monster for sure and now that I've realized it's a problem I'm praying hard that God corrects me in this. 

5. I'm scary addicted to coffee

It's bad, y'all. It's to the point where we have ran out of K Cups and I ask Kaleb to run to the gas station to get me some coffee. Not a huge life altering thing but I realized that this past year. I need an intervention. 

6.Whe you become intentional, it becomes harder

The moment I decided to be more intentional in walking in the Spirit, everything got harder. I distinctly remember standing in church a few months ago and feeling the Spirit pull me towards this woman standing by herself. I was suppose to pray over her and give her a Word from the Lord but I couldn't move. I stood there, frozen. My heart was pounding out of my chest and I knew I had been praying for exactly this moment. Alas, the moment passed and I haven't seen her since. I decided shortly after we moved to Fort Worth that I wanted to break through the barriers of the everyday Christian and walk in the Spirit. The minute I was intentional with God and started praying for that it became hard. Not BECAUSE I was intentional but because it's simply not easy. I stepped out only to jump back. That doesn't mean you give up. It just means you push against the barrier that is standing in front of you. It's not going to fall down by itself, you have to push. And push I will. 

7. I have a really great marriage

This is not a bragging thing at all. We are just as guilty as the next married couple when it comes to saying things we don't mean or not apologizing first, etc. But in general Kaleb and I have realized how great our marriage truly is just by the simple fact that we made a decision to communicate better. We fail at it sometimes and other times we hit it right on the head but in general we have a fantastic marriage. He loves me well and I think I've become pretty good at respecting him. We do life together. We make decisions together. We parent together. We listen to each other. We yell a lot less. We talk it out a lot more. We hug each other when we're mad. Again, this is not bragging because we are far from perfect but we're really nailing this marriage thing. We're beating the odds and I think that's something to be very proud of. 

8. Toddler life is no joke

I didn't really consider Elijah a toddler until after his first birthday so it's only been these last 6 months that I've really learned this but toddler life is draining. The running around, the defiance and testing of boundaries, the constant struggle between teaching them and losing your patience. But boy do I love listening to him say a new word or start dancing the very second a song comes on. It's a struggle but it's a beautiful one. He's happy and healthy and on the days I fail at being a mom he's still happy and healthy and smart so it doesn't matter. I get to try again the next day and he is quick to forgive, that little sweetheart of mine. And just look at him, y'all. He's gorgeous. He's amazing. I love him. 

9. I am a writer

This has literally taken me all year to say out loud. I am a writer. I am not a published author or a speaker or even a professional blogger but I am a writer. It's real. It's who I am. It's one of the many things I was created to do. I write because I know no other way to understand life or process my thoughts and emotions and the things God is constantly teaching me. This is forever for me. This blog, my journals, and the other things God has stirred up inside of me-they're forever. It's not a trend or a phase-it's mine and it's something I believe 100% to be a small part of the calling God has placed in my life. I want to do many things in this world: Teach women about Jesus, help new moms, do college ministry, lead worship, help birth babies, teach my own babies, show people the Kingdom but intertwined with all of those things is writing. I am a writer. That will never cease to be true. 

Here's to all of the things 2015 will teach me. 

Remember Alexander? The kid who had the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day? Well his day was nothing compared to the week I'm recovering from. As I shared earlier in the week my grandma passed away on Tuesday. Then we had 2 days of Christmas without any real Christmas and the next 2 days were her funeral and memorial service.

I hate the lessons that are not easily learned.

I hate when I have to really search situation and soul before finally learning the lesson He is teaching me.

I preach "You're ready" all the time but then shrink back, scared and questioning, when it's my time. My turn to show someone the way.

I want so badly to reach out to women who have long ago stopped reaching out for me but maybe that's the lesson in itself. I have to start being ok with the silence that circles in my living room when I desperately ask "How do I help? What do I do?"  Because I know He's not being silent to hurt me. He's showing me, in time, how to do this. How to be the saving grace for someone else the way so many have been for me.

This has been such a long time coming. I know how to help with the young women who are in college. That territory seems familiar and safe. I know what to do, what to say, how to help but now I feel out of my league. These are marriages. These are families. Babies and Holy unions and family members passing and careers altered that I want to rush into and just snap my fingers and make all of the hard stuff go away for them.

But that silence that I'm sitting in. The one that I loathe instead of embrace. Maybe that's the lesson. Be silent and don't rush in. Be there and offer your ear instead of your mouth. Carry the burdens. Fight for them in prayer. Listen. Don't speak just yet.

And if you must speak then whisper scripture and soft pleas to the God who saw this coming before it ever came. Because He also sees when it will come to pass. When it will all be a distant memory, a testimony for them.

So, for now, until the testimonies come. Be silent.

I am learning so much about hardships lately. Not even just my own but hardships as a whole and how we deal with them as a result of the growth that springs forth from it. I press my face against the cold floor and my head spins with all of the hardships that people around me are facing. Barren women longing to hold life in their womb, single women longing to be held by a husband. Sick family members and friends needing healing, others who are in desperate need of deliverance from addictions. People who are close to living on the street, others who are trying to provide for babies who are low on diapers. It's so much and it's all around us and I'm learning that walking through hardships with the smile and the positivity is not what saves you from them.

There are many times that choosing joy and holding your head up is an answer but honestly I believe that majority of the time we will see the roots grow the deepest in our faith when we allow ourselves to be wracked with emotions and grieve our hardships. I truly believe that it's easy to look up and choose the joy, pressing forward and walking along. What I believe is the hardest thing is to allow the waves to crash over you. To allow yourself to be tossed around through the waters, barely breathing, angry and fighting, gasping for air until you give up and push your hand through the troubled waters, waiting for His hand to intertwine with yours. "He will never give you more than you can handle" is such a silly phrase. Of course He will. If it was easy and you could handle it and being positive was enough to get you through it then you would never need Him.

"For You, God, tested us;
You refined us as silver is refined. 
You lured us into a trap;
You placed burdens on our  backs.
You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,..."

Yep. That fire you're walking through, it's hot. And those waters are falling so hard you feel like you can't breathe. But wait, friends. Just wait and read this last verse.

"But you brought us out to ABUNDANCE."

He brought us out and into abundance nonetheless. He doesn't just pull us out from our hardships and then let us lay there...He pulls us out and then gives us the abundance. The abundance doesn't always look the way we think it should but it looks exactly how He knows it should. Maybe He brought you out of your financial struggles through the help of paying off your debt instead of handing you a job with a $50,000 salary. Maybe instead of giving life to a baby He fills your home with 7 or 8 adopted children. Maybe instead of your own house to live in, He gives you a room in someone else's home to call your own.

Life is hard, y'all. I don't care how good you have it with your perfect family and your perfect home. Life. Is. Hard. He even tells us in John 16:33 that the troubles will come. They will come over and over again. It will be hard but the good thing is-we can do hard things and the reason we can do hard things is because in that moment of fighting when we decide we're to weak and we give up...He gives us His strength. What a great trade off that is. When we're weak He's strong and so that mountain you're facing can and will be leveled out for you (Isaiah 45:2). You won't do it by yourself and that's ok because that's the point. He goes before us and knows whats ahead. He allows us to keep walking down the horrible path we've put ourselves on. He lets us feel the heat from the fire. He lets the waves crash over us. But we're never burned and we never drown. We never stay on the same path we start out on. Because He brings us out and He brings us to abundance.

Always.

I've seen the sweet articles floating around Facebook these past few days. The one dedicated to the mom at Target and the mom at Chick Fil A. This blog is for neither, it's for you, mom at home.

I don't see you because you're locked safely behind your door, tucked inside the 4 walls of your home. I don't see you but I do know you. As I'm typing this I'm still in my PJ's, curled up on the chair in my sons room as he sits in the corner playing with random toys. You read the articles about Target and Chick Fil A mom and you understood what they were saying but personally you can't really relate. I know. You don't go out for many reasons. Sometimes it's because you don't have enough money to splurge at Target or Chick Fil A. Sometimes it's because you're so devoted to nap times that you live your life around them. Or maybe you share a car with your husband who works hard for you so there really isn't a way for you to get out and about. Maybe you simply don't like being the furious mom in the Target parking lot. Maybe home feels safer than risking the anxiety attacks that come from kids piled in a cart. An outing that was suppose to help you get out of the house quickly sends you rushing back home so that your children can throw their tantrums where no one else will see....or judge.

I don't see you because you're not out here mingling and truth be told I don't see you because I'm not out either. I know you because I am you. I don't think you're wrong for wanting to stay home. I get it. I really, really do. There is a certain amount of comfort that comes from the routine you've made for you and your children. I get that. Or maybe you're like me and you're still kinda new to the town you're living in. Your family is here, you've joined a wonderful church that you're serving in but you still haven't found many mom friends that don't have other things going on. Your kids are still little and maybe they have older children who have to be taken to school or MDO. I know that feeling.

I know the feeling you get when your husband kisses you on the forehead before leaving for work and you get a sudden sadness as you realize the next time you see him will be 12 hours from now. And the other sadness that breaks you when you realize he didn't get to see the kids all day. It's ok to feel like that. I think the thing that's even more sad than that is the fact that no one talks about it. The busy moms who read this on their phones in the car while they're waiting in the drive thru line for lunch...dont' feel sorry for us. We know staying isolated isn't good and we're working on it. We're working hard to break through the comfortability of the every day and just step outside of ourselves for a while. We really do want to meet you at Target just to walk around and chat or share some laughs over nuggets while the kids run in and out of tunnels in the play area. Give us time. Until then maybe you could take us up on our offer to share a cup of coffee on our couch instead of at Starbucks.

It may seem annoying at times, trust me, I'm even annoyed at it sometimes. But the reality is I don't know your story and you don't know mine. I want to know yours though. I want to know why you run millions of errands, never letting your kids get a good nap in. And I want you to know why my kid is 16 months old and still takes 2 naps a day plus is in bed at 8:30 each night. Share your story with me and I'll share mine with you. No judgement or ridicule. Just two moms who have an understanding that you do whatever works best for you and you family. Because I don't quite understand you but I really want to. So, come sit on my couch for a little while. We have stories to share, mama.

I think just by the title it sounds like such a lovely thing. A town home in the city must be beautiful! I'm here to tell you that isn't always the case but one thing I believe for sure is that you can always, always make your living environment functional and beautiful. My family lives in a 3 bedroom/2 bath town home in a city in Texas. It's not everything we dreamed it would be but I think that's mostly because we have a toddler now and are dreaming of the day that we can get a house with a backyard for him to run around. However, like stated above, you can always make something work for you and the season of life you and your family are in.

I've been a tad overwhelmed all day. I have that "Sunday evening" feeling that I use to get when I was in school. The dreaded feeling that Monday begins another week of school and classes and homework, etc. Except Monday brings much harder work than school, it brings the work week and for me that obviously means staying home with Elijah. Please, before you laugh at that remember to not judge. Every job has its hardships and staying at home whether you're a wife or a mama too can be tasking. Kaleb works all week so his next day off won't come until next Sunday. This reality brought on the "Sunday evening" feeling for me all day today. I know that I will wake up tomorrow and start another hard week of mothering, tantrums, cooking, cleaning, diaper changes, slapping (a recent discovery my toddler has made), yelling (yep, real life..don't pretend you don't do it too), and the works. The "Sunday evening" feeling can bring on loads of anxiety for me.

Look up!

I never had anxiety until Elijah was born and now it seems to get worse as he gets older and older. While I completely believe that God made such beautiful things like essential oils to help with this (I love my Peace and Calm and Joy oil). I also believe that anxiety is not something I should just sit and be ok with. When I think of the week ahead and the things I mentioned above I can see myself doing these tasks, walking up and down the stairs, stepping over baby gates...and doing it all while looking down. That's not the way.

Look up!

He's calling me and you to look up from the trenches and overcome this. Just simply look up. Remember the purpose, remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel, remember that this too has meaning.

Look up!

This too shall pass. The tantrums that leave you feeling like you're doing this mothering thing all wrong. The constant hours you log at a job that you find no meaning in. The ends you're trying to force to meet but seem to be completely running away from each other. All of it. It will all pass. And that's something I have to remind myself to do. Let the anxiety pass. Look up and just let it fall away. This does not have a stronghold over me or you, friend. Get ready for the week ahead with me, will you? The JOY of the week to come. Pray it out. Everything you're anxious for and over. Pray. It. Out.

I have started this blog probably 100 times in my head but this is the first time I've sat down to really type it out. These key strokes don't seem to be doing my thoughts justice. I can't really blog about what the Lord did for me at the SAF women's retreat last weekend. I will share it with anyone who asks of course but the internet is not allowed to know the sweet markings left on my heart after I walked away from Miller Ranch last Sunday. I just wanted to blog about the retreat as a whole. GUYS. It. Was. Gorg. Miller Ranch in general is very pretty but the Women's Ministry team made it even more beautiful with the prints beautifully framed, the sweet decorated paper straws, and the pumpkin center pieces outside on the tables. It was all in the details, y'all. And to top it off with the sweetest cherry you could tell from the minute you stepped inside that these ladies didn't play around when it came to praying over this retreat. All of the details placed for beauty and all of the prayers said for restoration.

I haven't really been able to breathe for a while now. Ever since Kaleb applied for the supervisor position at his job I haven't caught my breath. I've held it in waiting for an interview. He had his interview and I gasped and held it in again waiting for the next interview that never came. He got the email a couple of weeks ago saying he didn't get the job and I held my breath still...waiting for some divine miracle to show up. Whether it was in the form of his superiors saying they made a mistake or the person that they offered the job to somehow declining their offer. I have no idea what it was but I just kept holding my breath. Well, this is me finally breathing. I have typed up a completely different blog that I was going to post a week ago about this but I couldn't. I still wasn't breathing. I was still secretly hoping for that miracle that I felt we deserved somehow. I was angry and confused but nothing I felt compared to how Kaleb felt. He had worked so hard for this.

Hey you. I see you. Yep, you. The one whose kinda standing there awkwardly among the sea of new freshman. Your hair is perfectly tied with a zebra print ribbon which you wore because apparently you're a 5 year old little girl. I think you just noticed they're not very "in" here so you took it out of your hair when you got into your dorm. You wore that ratty A&M shirt for two reasons. One for comfort since it's move in day and two because you wanted to be funny. You are definitely not at A&M but you are here, college. A place you never thought you would get to.

(Spring semester, y'all)

(Web cam photo while studying for History)

I've said in a previous post that I don't write about things I haven't personally experienced or that I don't have a heart for. So, naturally this post was hard to come to but I can't sit back and watch it happen. When Fifty Shades of Grey came out, along with Magic Mike I remember sharing this blog. She did a fantastic job on that post. And like she stated at the beginning she just felt compelled to do so. Sylvia Plath said it best when she said "I write because there is a voice within me that will not be still." I usually quiet that voice on controversial topics (and lets be honest this is, sadly, a controversial topic now) but I just can't. Not now with the new trailer that has just surfaced for the upcoming movie.

I can't be naive and think that this post should reach certain people. I know that if you're not a Christian you may not agree with me and you know what? That's perfectly ok. If you don't know God then of course I don't expect you to feel convicted over the same things I do but Christian women I'm speaking to you. I'm your sister and I love you deeply so I have to say it-this movie, this book, this porn is not ok. It's. Not. Ok. You don't get a free pass to go watch this movie because it's girls night or because it's being shown in theaters.

"Well it's not porn because obviously they don't show porn in movie theaters."

Actually they do. Any sex scene is essentially porn. The definition of pornography is "the portrayal of sexual subject matter for the purpose of sexual arousal." Kaleb and I talk about it all the time when watching new movies-majority of the plot lines in newer movies could do without the sex scene they put in there which normally ends up being a few to even several sexual scenes. We would all still understand that the characters just had sex if you do a quick make out scene and cut to their clothes strewn across the floor. I mean really this whole drawn out "love making" scene isn't necessary but I can't find a movie without it anymore. And Fifty Shades of Grey tops all of them in that department.

If you wouldn't want to see your son/husband/brother/father/pastor watching porn on his computer then why is it any different if you go see this movie? This is a stumbling block. Point blank. Not just for others but for your self as well. You could have no tie to pornography and then watch this movie only for it to open up an ugly door and lead you down a path you never thought you would have to walk down. I keep seeing articles and blog posts floating around the internet lately about men and pornography and the huge moral issue at hand. But why is that so limited to men? It's a problem for women as well and it should be addressed. 2 Corinthians 6:3 says "We put no stumbling block in anyone's path, so that our ministry will not be discredited." The youth pastor cannot flip through the pages of Playboy while sipping coffee with one of his students and then close it only to tell him about the Lord. You may think you don't have a ministry but being a light in the world is your ministry and you are held to the same standards. You cannot go see Fifty Shades of Grey and then the next day claim to love the Lord. It doesn't work that way and I'm not sure why we stopped speaking truth in this area. Are you going to go to hell? Probably not. But why take advantage of such a kind and sweet God who shows us endless grace and mercy? He holds you to a higher standard not because He wants to make it hard for you but because He knows you're capable of more if you're following Him. In your weakness, His strength is made perfect (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Lust doesn't start in your mind just like adultery doesn't start outside of the marriage bed. Both begin in your heart and spiral into a place you could quite possibly never come back from.  Matthew 5:28 tells us that "anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery in his heart." We are told to guard our heart because everything else comes from it. (Proverbs 4:23) Guarding your heart starts with guarding those things that are easily prone to sin. Your eyes, your
thoughts, etc. This isn't always the case but let's spin a scenario here-

After watching this movie with the girls you feel a little more aroused than usual. You were thinking of your husband the whole time while watching it and you can't wait to get back home to him. Oh, darn. He's already asleep. You'll catch him tomorrow after work. Uh oh. There's that guy in the mail room who looks kind of like Christian Grey. Wow. You never noticed how similar they look. Suddenly your mind is spinning with adulterated thoughts of an office affair like in the movie. You shake them off until a few weeks go by and when you're with your husband your thoughts are not on him and the love you create together, it's on that guy from the mail room. You imagine him instead of your husband but never speak a word of it to anyone. This continues for months until one day that Christian Grey look alike makes one pass at you the same day your husband forgot your anniversary (again) and suddenly you find yourself having an affair.

Is that over the top? Possibly. Or is it exactly how things like that happen. I'm sure if you interviewed majority of the people who have had affairs they could tell you that it started right there. It was one slip of a mouse click or one fleeting thought about the guy that worked across the hall only to turn into something they never expected. Maybe we don't realize it everyday but Satan works pretty hard at getting us to fall, sin, and even walk away from the Lord. That one tiny thought he planted goes a long way when the right things are said at the right time by the right person. I will not cheat on Kaleb and he won't cheat on me but does that mean we stop guarding ourselves? No way! God commands it and so we do it. Am I saying that one movie can change the course of your life? Absolutely. Like I said above one small thing can open a door that you may not be able to close later on so why risk it.

Ultimately this movie feeds into the lie that sex is just sex. I'm going to go ahead and say it-sex is never just sex. It's a bond forever tying you to that person in a way that God only intended you to be tied to your spouse. If your relationship status is the issue then the same thing applies to you. It wasn't long ago that this was my story, praying over my soul ties to certain guys so that I could be tied to Kaleb instead. It was a mistake that I greatly regret but God is good and he heals and restores. However, I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish I could go back in time and choose to say no. The Bible speaks against sexual immorality countless times. It's not an annoying thing that Christians should follow. It's God already seeing the end result to something that could be very fatal with your relationship in regards to Him and to others. Sin being inevitable does not mean Holiness is unachievable. 1 Thessalonians 4: 3-5 says "For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God.." and in 1 Peter 2:11 He says "Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul." That word didn't happen on accident. He chose to say that it would wage a war because it's truth. But if it's a struggle in regards to this movie-PRAY! Seek out His word. Don't pass it by if you feel He is urging you away. Trust in Him. He always gives you a way out when you're feeling tempted (1 Corinthians 10:13).

2 years.

2 years is just a tiny scratch on the surface of what our marriage will become and what it already has unfolded into. I use to say it all the time when we first got married because everyone would ask me how I liked being married, so here's what I said-"Marriage is the biggest blessing I've ever received." Just in case you're wondering, it still is. Having children is a big blessing too but in a completely different way. No one really asks the how-we-met story but since I, personally, am a huge fan of them I'm going to share mine with you in honor of my small but beautiful 2 year anniversary.

If we get super technical I met Kaleb for a brief moment in the third pew, middle row at church. My friend Joey (his life group leader at the time) introduced us during a quick meet and greet. It was so brief in fact that Kaleb forgot my name the next time we saw each other. In all fairness I did almost call him Cameron when we met again but I quickly remembered his name and corrected myself before we spoke. Our official "meeting" is and always will be one of my favorite memories.

Right after school started up for the spring semester in 2011 Angelo State University had a snow day. It was rare so I count this a very special day. I woke up and got ready for class that day and made my way to the UC only to find out classes had been cancelled. I cannot for the life of me tell you who all from Chi Alpha was in the UC that day making plans to hang out. I remember seeing Kaleb, Joey, and my two friends Kayla and Brittanie. After that my mind goes blank because (and yes this is cheesy) Kaleb was the only one I could truly focus on. It's not a snippet of a love story, it's just fact. I wanted to know him better. We all ate and made plans to play football in the snow. I don't do sports, friends. I just don't do them but it was a snow day and to quote the movie with aforementioned title-"Anything can happen on a snow day."

We played football in the snow and it was probably the most fun I had all year. It was freezing to the point that my face and fingers hurt but it was the kind of fun that you just fight through the pain for. I can't remember if Kaleb and I were on the same team or if my team won. I just remember running back and forth and tackling people in the deep white snow. Afterwards Kayla invited us all to her apartment for dinner which was conveniently located right across the street from where we were all playing football. A bunch of us loaded up in cars and headed to the grocery store. This is where the instant connection began. Sitting next to Kaleb in his truck I hear the song on the radio and say "this is Tool, right?" People! His eyes could not have been any more obvious. It's like stars were literally coming out of them. He loved music the way I loved music and I just knew. Some people connect over a love of sports or food, my love and I connected over music and we still do. His response to my question was "You know who Tool is? Not many girls know Tool. I'm surprised." I had to give myself an invisible high-five for that one. I just found his favorite band upon our first actual conversation.

The rest of the night preceded with helping in the kitchen to make dinner, consuming said dinner, and watching all of the boys take turns playing video games. Somehow, by the grace of God maybe, Kaleb and I ended up being the ones who volunteered to do the dishes. The dishes of at least 10 people gave us enough time to chat about Jesus, schools we were thinking about transferring to, music, and Chi Alpha. I wanted to drag out all of the dishes in every single cabinet in Kayla's kitchen just so I could have more time with him by myself. Alas, the dishes were clean and we headed back into the living room where Kaleb picked up one of the guys guitars and started picking out a Nickelback song. I don't know who exactly started it or how we ended up there but the next thing I know Kayla and I are singing He Won't Relent while someone played the guitar and the entire apartment starts filling with a random act of worship. It was real and it was beautiful. Kaleb and I started discussing trying out for the worship team for Chi Alpha. He wanted to play the drums and I wanted to sing. We decided, together, that we would go for it. He brought out a bravery in me in that moment that I had never before had. I didn't just sing in front of people. That's not who I was but when Kaleb played with confidence it made me want to mimic that confidence and give it my all.

What happened at the end of the night is something I still poke at Kaleb about. When everyone was getting ready to leave Kaleb slid his phone across the floor to me without saying anything. When I picked it up it was opened to his keypad. I laughed and put in my number. He texted me right there so I could save his into my phone as well. That took guts on his part. He dropped me off at my dorm and I texted him almost right away to tell him I left my chips and salsa that I had just bought that day at Kayla's apartment. Being the sweet guy he is, he brought them to me. I wanted him to stay and talk to me for hours but being the gentlemen he is, he left and went back to his dorm. That night we confirmed plans to hang out that weekend.

My heart is doing flips just typing this story out. I love our story but that's only the beginning of it. One day I'll get the courage to type out our dating story. That story will take a lot of tears and vulnerability that I just don't have quite yet. 3 years maybe? Who knows. For now, this is the beginning of my forever and I had no idea at this time that Kaleb was the man I had been praying for.

Happy anniversary, baby. You are quite literally my favorite husband. I love the way you keep this on going spark in our marriage. This snap that otherwise I thought would die out once we became parents. You have shown great amounts of grace and patience with me these last 2 years as I have navigated motherhood and being a wife. I have found ugly parts of myself during these last 2 years that I would think would make you run but wrapped in your arms in the dark I can still hear you say "I'm choosing to love you." A constant reminder that this isn't a process of us falling in love, it's a process of us choosing it daily. More specifically choosing that this marriage is a covenant we made together with the Lord, not something we chose to do because we felt it was the next step. I can't begin to understand what you saw in me that day we met but I must have done something right to catch your eye. I loved you then and I love you more now and I suspect that love will ebb and flow sometimes as do the seasons of marriage but just like you're choosing, so am I. I love you. Forever and always, Kaleb James. 

There are a couple of exciting things going on in our home that have developed over the last few days. As of yesterday I am now the Social Media Manager for author Jodie Mitchell. She is my friends aunt and has self published 3 books of poetry (The Trusting Time, In The Suffering, Careful Whispers) and is currently working on her new book Legacy which will be releasing soon. I am so excited to help spread the word about all of her books. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter and while you're at it check out her and her husbands ministry called April Sky Ministries. Seeing first hand how social media can help keep others updated on your works/works in progress I created (again) my own Twitter account. So follow, follow, follow!

Another wonderful opportunity God has presented us with is within the company Kaleb works for. I can't say what it is officially on here but keep us in your prayers and as soon as I get the ok I will let you all know. I thought that moving to Fort Worth  would open up doors for Kaleb but now I see that doors are being opened up for me as well and not to mention our family in general. We are also currently taking classes to become members at our new church. So many exciting and new changes happening that I had to share them with you all ASAP! All of these changes bring new meaning to Jeremiah 29:11-

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I feel like there are many topics I can't blog about and by can't I mean won't. Without any specifics I'm just talking about topics that pertain to things I haven't personally experienced or even things that I have experienced but feel like I haven't walked out long enough to really share anything on it. But when it comes to the topic of shame and freedom in Christ, it's something I know well. Curled up on my friends couch the other day I made this statement:

To this guy, the man I gave my forever to, I must say that nothing he does goes unnoticed. The hard work he puts in to provide for Elijah and I, the things he does at home long after he's clocked out, and the amount of time and love he never seems to run out of for our son. None of it has gone unnoticed, I see him, my sweet husband. I see him.

The countdown is officially on. 30 days until my boy turns 1! I will be soaking in many nursing sessions, tickle fights, and cuddles since they are all few and far between. Well, maybe not the tickle fights. At 11 months-

• 23 lbs
• 27 inches
• Sleeping through the night (FINALLY!)
• Can take a total of 9 steps though he did walk across the living room last night
• Still breastfed but usually every 4-5 hours and not at all during the night
• Eating 3 solid meals and snacking in between
• Recently discovered he likes playing in his pack n play
• Has a new found love for water
• Sticks his tongue out and back in 
• Started getting a little sad when daddy leaves the house
• Wearing 12m-18m clothes
• Cloth diapered full time but in disposables over night
• Will not wear shoes or hats
• Loves hanging out in the pool
• Completely off of his reflux medicine
• Cries at really loud noises (dogs barking, lions roaring, etc)

With a heavy heart

San Angelo

It's where I laid myself upon an altar and died only to rise a born again someone.
It's where my 2 years of college education began and ended but not indefinitely.
It's where a scrawny freshman slid his phone across the carpet and asked me for my number.
It's where God showed up and rescued me, pulling me from the muck and the mire and cleansing my soul.
It's where I danced in front of the mirror with Amy and shared 4 am conversations with Whitney.
Where I started working with babies and discovered a love for children I never knew I had.
Where I made many mistakes but learned to run to Jesus instead of from Him.
Where that scrawny freshman gave me my first flower on our first Valentines day together.
Where I finally got on stage and learned to deal with my fear.
Where someone thought I was worthy enough to lead others.
Where I became a part of a leadership team that became more than people; they became family.
Where that scrawny freshman cried on my shoulder and I cried too.
Where I found my mentor.
Where I found community.
Where I found a pastor who gave me food to eat and fed me the Word as well.
Where God told me I would clean up messes and I did.
Where He told me to step back and really look.
Where He told me to stay because the workers were few but the harvest was great.
Where I fell in love with that scrawny freshman and discovered he was the man I'd been praying for.
Where that scrawny freshman became not so scrawny and where we shared our first kiss.
Where my life finally made sense.
Where I wrestled with the Lord over and over when mending my brokeness.
Where He restored my heart and made me new.
Where that boy decided to make our first kiss, my last first kiss.
Where I discovered my fear of friendships and lost a lot of people.
Where I drove a few girls away who were counting on me.
Where I learned how to two step by a lake.
It's where I found modesty and purity to be the very thing God was asking of me.
It's where I got the phone call that my mamaw had passed away.
It's where Sarah dropped her homework and came to my dorm to pray over me.
It's where I found out I was pregnant and jumped off the couch to hug that man I married.
It's where I learned motherhood cannot be done alone.
It's where I finally opened up about my miscarriage.
It's where I first went to Hastings and fell in love with the book section.
Where I was 18 and Mari told me the Lord was writing my love story over 2 am messages on Facebook.
It's where I began blogging and where I discovered an online community who got me.
It's where I became addicted to coffee.
It's where I came back from my honeymoon and stopped being a fiancé and started being a wife.
It's where I helped Sabrina fight for breastfeeding.
Where I saw Maroon 5 and Fitz and The Tantrums in concert.
Where I stood by the bon fire and decided there was more.
Where I went to the lake at midnight with my XA friends and got moved by the Holy Spirit.
It's where I met the most amazing OB/GYN and cried with friends when we had to say good-bye.
It's where honoring one another became harder than I could imagine.
It's where I woke up each Sunday eager to go to church.
It's where I discovered my heart for young couples and new moms.

San Angelo...

It's an anointing oil spilling over me and the smell of a new dorm.
It's living on my own for the first time.
It's ratty furniture and hand-me-down dishes.
It's packages in the mail and tearful good byes.
It's phone calls to my family and Charlotte moving to live with me.
It's Charlotte moving back to Fort Worth after my wedding.
It's learning that being sick without your mom to take care of you sucks pretty hard.
It's no money to pay rent until a little owl card comes and a vase of flowers.
It's a grace laden friendship I can never let go of.
It's wisdom from wise counsel spilling over me time and time again.
It's tough conversations and lots of prayer.
It's learning to cook and bake.
It's countless baby and bridal showers.
It's weddings I danced at and several I cried at.
It's new relationships to discover.
It's delivering my first child.
It's a doula and lactation consultant who rocked my world.
It's postpartum tears shared in a dark living room with Sarah the day she showed me how to nurse.
It's discovering I can do all things through Christ. 
It's driving to Ashlee and Heath's house to share my broken heart.
It's a dimly lit hallway I walked down with my RA friend for nightly rounds.
It's midnight laundry washing at Texan Hall.
It's girl's night at Keely's place with prayer instead of gossip.
It's a night ride on the back of the motorcycle.
It's playing football in the snow and worship in the apartment.
It's Zero One Ale House and Armenta's.
It's getting close to The Ferguson's right before they moved away.
It's singing to raise money for missions.
It's hugging Kayla on the front pew and telling her I'm sorry.
It's too much ramen and so much free food.
It's parties at The Grove and learning what BC days are all about.
It's traveling from dorm to dorm with new friends.
It's my-face-in-the-carpet type prayers.
It's Mali, Jake, Ellie, Grayson, and Lylah being etched in my heart forever.
It's sharing life in married life group and realizing how much I need them.
It's late night conversations at the Kotze's while Elijah snoozes in the pack n play.
It's one movie theatre and a one story mall.
It's wishing Baker Street would come back.
It's DMB always coming through the speakers.
It's an inspiration of health from The Taylor's.
It's accountability I never asked for but desperately needed.
It's living in 4 apartments and 1 house over the span of 3 years.
It's the Holy Spirit falling every sunday morning at SAF.
It's praying at Starbucks during regroup.
It's 2 transitions of pastors whom I greatly love and respect.
It's worship that moved me to tears and sermons that grew me.
It's finally building a relationship with her only to let it fall between my fingers.
It's "click-click" and all of the memories that rush back.


It's San Angelo and no one can tell me any different.

Fort Worth, you have some pretty big shoes to fill.