I'm normally trying to fall asleep by now. Goodness, where has my youth gone? And it will be a lot worse when I have a baby...some day.
I wonder who even reads my blogs? If I never posted them to FB would they be seen at all?
I am sitting here, perusing different blogs and I'm totally jealous of all the comments and responses they get to their blogs. I have no idea how but someday I will be in this blog circuit.
All that is on my mind right now is the what if's.
Oh, those what if's. They can ruin a good nights rest quickly.
The relationship series is coming, folks. It's coming fast. November 2nd to be exact. Everyone is so pumped. It's so awesome to have this traditional series running through our Chi Alpha at Angelo State University each year. This will be my 4th year going through it and I have to say is -wow. God is FAITHFUL.
My first year was hard. Actually, it was painful. Yea, painful is the best way to describe it. I was a new baby Christian, still drinking milk and I was still tending to my wounds from a relationship in high school. Not just any high school relationship but one complete with cursing each other out on a daily basis, cheating on each other back and forth, building a future that was never meant to be, and even a miscarriage. It was plain awful and after investing my entire being in that relationship inevitably I was a mess when it ended. In November I did something really shameful that doesn't matter now but it kind of sent me over the edge I guess you could say. Over the edge and into the Lord's hands completely. And then....then the relationship series was preached by Lennon Noland (the godfather of ASU XA). It changed my heart completely and though I didn't live perfectly after that, my thoughts on dating were changed. Heck, my thoughts on God, guys, sex, marriage...everything was changed.
My second year was just awesome. I had been single for I believe about a year and a half around that time and I had a good life. No messing up for Bre! It was something to be proud of, trust me. I sat next to my best friend throughout that 4 week series. My best friend named Kaleb.
My third year I was....wait for it....ENGAGED! What?? To that best friend I sat next to my second year. We soaked it in together as a soon-to-be-married couple and it was amazing. We learned a lot and did our best to put it into practice.
My fourth year (this year) I am married and I'm ready to learn more. The relationship series isn't just for the single people or the people who are dating. It's for everyone in my opinion. The first year was when my heart completely changed about the dating game but the next years I learned more and more about who God has called me to be as a woman of God and even a wife.
My marriage didn't come from the relationship series. Nor did it come from Chi Alpha. It came from God but those are tools He used, among many other things, to help me use my time of singleness to grow more in Him and to prepare myself for Kaleb rather than searching for him. So, to say all of that is to say this: Get ready and be prepared. Embrace this season because it was made specifically for you. And please, please stop fasting dating. Fast long enough from it and you just might miss the guy that the Lord has for you. Sitting in that pew my first year I was mad, hurt, and pretty much done with guys. If someone would have told me that 3 years later I would be married I would have laughed, yelled at them, and then I probably would have ran. I didn't do much those next 2 years. I waited, I searched the Lord's heart, I allowed Him to search mine, and I gave Him my dating life. I didn't take it into my own hands and put a timeline on my King. It was never my place to tell Him what age I could be married by, what season in my life He could bring me the one, or even how long I wanted to be single before I began dating again. It was always His perfect timing I relied on and it was scary most days, to just allow Him to do a work on my heart but He was faithful. He's a constant faithfulness. And I can attest to that whole heartedly. He is a good, good God and He has a perfect timeline laid out in gold for your life and your future. Just wait and see.
It is better to spend years waiting for the right person than to spend eternity with the wrong one.
-Landon Henry
(And I used that quote in the vows for my wedding.)
Kaleb is 21 years old today. 21.
Kaleb James Hargrove.
Oh goodness, I'm so in love with him.
1) He still sits on the very edge of the couch when he plays video games, barely blinking.
2) He likes burgers and going to the movies.
3) He has the heart of a dad, completely in love with children and always kind.
4) He consumes ridiculous amounts of soda.
5) He knows every word to every Dave Matthews Band song.
6) He has an epic beard of manliness.
7) He is hopelessly addicted to our ipad and all of the games on it.
8) Seeing live music is by far his favorite thing to do.
9) His talent shines most when he is drumming in our music room.
10) Seafood is his all time favorite food. All time.
11) He hates it when he sees people sitting alone in restaurants.
12) He wants to learn how to sing.
13) He hates breakfast sausage.
14) He loves holding sweet babies. Absolutely loves it.
15) His latest TV show addiction is The Walking Dead.
16) His life group guys mean the world to him.
17) He is a hard worker at any thing he sets out to do.
18) He is full of so much wisdom even at 21.
19) He loves his family oh so much.
20) He won't drink coffee unless it's cold outside.
21) He is all mine <33
October always seems to bring back memories for me. I'm not sure why October specifically brings them back considering they're usually scattered memories but memories all the same. Yesterday as I was pulling out of the driveway, getting ready to head to Chi Alpha, I saw Kaleb's iPod sitting in the front seat. I got excited that he left it and immediately went to John Mayer on his playlist. The first song that came on was In Your Atmosphere. The live version from his Where The Light Is session. I breathed in the autumn air and pulled away from the house. Oh, this song. This song...actually this whole album has a lot of memories attached to it. Kaleb and I were freshly dating in October of last year and he was very obsessed with John Mayer. We were a good match. We've always been a good match. Even when we were just friends we couldn't stay away from each other. It always makes me kinda mad that it took a year for us to finally date but oh well! We're married now!!
Ah, married. Still, to this day, I always feel the need to tell people we were friends for a year before we dated because I hate the reaction I get when I tell people we only dated for about 4 months before we were engaged. And the reaction gets even worse when they find out we're in our early 20's. Right now, I'm back to struggling with the plan laid out for Kaleb and I. I'm so scared. We're walking into unchartered territory and I don't have my bullet proof vest on yet! My heart is still very much on my sleeve. I think it's taken complete residency there.
Last night, I knelt at the very back pew in Chi Alpha and wept to Jesus. I didn't even tell him what I was scared of. He already knows. I just wept. And waited. Waited for him to speak because I had finally ran out of words. A simple question was whispered to my heart. Can you trust me?
Ouch. That's not an easy answer. Yes...er, no. I DON'T KNOW! I breathed deep and through tears finally said yes. Sweet breeze in my air, I am free falling. I stepped off the ledge of safety that I like to plant my feet on and just....fell. Getting engaged fast was scary too but I completely trusted God. Knowing His timing was perfect and it so has been! I am not playing it safe. I am simply trusting God.
My hand won't be closed on this. It will stay open lest I start to believe this is mine. This was never mine. It has always been His.
There is a stirring in the Hargrove home this morning. As Malachi (one of the sweet toddlers I watch) is resting into her morning nap my heart is stirring. I can't explain the stirring other then I'm still basking in this past weekend. I don't want to explain everything here but the things I took away from this weekend:
1-I try too hard to please people. I have GOT to stop that. My King has an amazing plan already in motion. I need to sit back and enjoy the ride and stop seeking others approval for the decisions I make.
2-I am not quite healed. 2 specific things from my past I have faked healing over so much that I've tricked myself into believing I am completely whole. I am broken and that's ok. I know God is working on me and I am not required to be a finished product yet.
3-If that's my heart desire then chances are God himself has something to do with it.
4-I am loved. I am cherished by my husband. He seriously adores me and I have no idea why it took me this long to truly see that.
5-The Lord is PLEASED with me. He's not disappointed. He is proud!
6-I have an incredible support system. When I begin to think no body has my back (besides God and Kaleb) I need to look at both of my families and even my amazing church family. Seriously. Incredible support system!
7-I need to sing more with abandonment. Completely.
In one weekend Kaleb and I have covered a lot of ground regarding our next move in ministry. From the beginning of being together Kaleb has said he wants to get a pastoral degree and he wants to pastor a Chi Alpha. Those are 2 things we've always been sure of but there were so many questions arising and we couldn't tell which road would be the best one to take. It wasn't necessarily that God wanted us on a certain route. I believe the Lord wants us to pastor a Chi Alpha but the way we get there doesn't really matter to Him. No, that's not silly to think that. So many people think God has this road laid and He has each specific place named for us but where is free will in that? The Lord knows where we will end up school-wise because He knows the decisions we make before we even realize we have to make them but as for the decision process I've always believed that the school didn't matter as long as it's Christ honoring and it gets us where we ultimately are called to be-a Chi Alpha.
So Kaleb has flipped back and forth between Berean and CBC. Berean school of Bible and Central Bible College are both fantastic schools from what our mentors have told us and from what we have researched ourselves but eventually we had to choose. So we chose Berean and the best part is Kaleb won't be the only one doing it anymore. I will be taking classes as well. This was the part we finally decided on this weekend. Instead of just being his wife through ministry (being his supporter and encourager) I will be doing ministry right a long side him. We will both be going through the Chi Alpha internship together now instead of just Kaleb. This is a huge deal for us because one of the biggest obstacles we kept running into regarding our future in ministry is where I would be. College ministry has been my heart beat since I was put through leadership training the spring semester of 2011. I believe it will be hard, yes, but so worth it. Raising support together each month and getting to do ministry side by side has never felt more right in my heart. Now we're on this road and we're just pacing it feels like. We can't move until we finish some classes and decide where exactly we will do the internship at but we're pacing in peace now. It's funny a little. Peace is this week's challenge in my life group. The Lord has such a beautiful and silly way of showing up in the ways He does. I'm just thankful now.
We finally have some peace.
