2013 is coming to a close and it is bittersweet. This year has been good to my family and tough at the same time. Obviously, our biggest blessing we received this year was when our newest addition entered the world on July 12th. I think it's safe to say Kaleb and I have known dark days (my first few weeks of postpartum were a little scary) and some blindingly bright ones. Overall, it has been a stressful year with moves, job transitions, and financial problems but God has asked us to cling to Him and cling we have. There were many times rent shouldn't have been paid and groceries shouldn't have been in our fridge but He always provided. Somehow, some way we were never left empty handed.
Can I be honest? That's always a scary question but I think you will all be more than understanding. This year I barely sought out God's face. I read…every now and then. I prayed…every now and then. But like I've said before I felt as if I was crawling from week to week. Barely getting by with the minimal effort I was giving to my spiritual life. I would let Monday night and Sunday morning services fill me up just enough to get me to life group on Wednesday night so I could pour out over my girls. I would have nothing left to give my husband or, let alone, myself. It's scary to think I was ever a leader in Chi Alpha because this is how I made it through the year. People would pour into me and I would pour out to my life group and that was it. There was no real substance, no meat to chew, nothing nourishing. Just milk. Hm..Milk. Like what my baby drinks. My milk will only sustain Elijah for so long before he will NEED solid food. Oh, the comparison God can bring to light through a child. Kid's preach, folks. They really do. I'm sure you can make the connection. Once Elijah was born I could no longer sit in a service on Sunday mornings or Monday nights to help me make it through the week. That was when God really started showing me that something needed to change. I texted this to Kaleb the other day-"I feel like my soul is dying. I know that sounds dramatic but I feel like I can't breathe in this life. I need more. More God." And I do. I NEED more.
So, in 2014 I am not making any resolutions, I am making changes. Slowly but surely. Kaleb and I had a sweet conversation last night where we picked out routines, plans, times, etc for our quiet times (though with a baby they're not very quiet ;]). That's my change. That's what I'm going into 2014 with. I'm not going to throw my hands up and pretend I'll find time. I want to make time and intentionally go there to meet Him. I'm not making a resolution to be a better wife, a better mom, or a better friend. I'm making a change to be a better bride to my Jesus because then everything will fall into place. I've seen firsthand how sweet my life is when I'm earnestly seeking God's face, not just every now and then. Kaleb and I are stepping back from things and embracing others. Making time to grow together in our marriage and in our parental roles rather than pouring into others until we're dry. There's a season for everything under heaven and this is our season to soak it all in. If you're reading this-pray for us! Pray for our 2014 and we'll pray for yours.
Side note: I do want to write more, take more pictures and videos, and spend more time with my family outside of our home as well as spend time with our friends in 2014. Let's do this!
5 whole stinkin months! I can't believe this! These blog updates are being written way too soon for this mama's liking.
-At 5 months Elijah weighs 17lbs 11oz
-He's 26 in long
-He's very mobile! I can't leave the room for very long or I won't be able to find him!
-He hasn't sat up on his own but with our help he sits up independently for about 30 seconds
-My EBF little guy still wakes every 2-3 hours at night
-He sleeps and naps in his pack n play more independently now
-He is discovering how much he likes toys
-He sits in his walker and watches mama clean
-We are still cloth diapering every now and then but are still working on building up our stash
-Finally laughing a lot!
-Makes lots of new interesting sounds. He likes the sound of his voice for sure
-He is in 6-9 month clothes
-He likes to touch our faces and grab anything in our hands
-He is definitely interested in food though we haven't started him on solids yet
This month is INSANE. Elijah will have his first Christmas, he will attend his first wedding, have his first move, and will be in his own room soon. We move into our new apartment next week and will then start letting Elijah sleep in his own room. I'm not so much nervous as I am frustrated. Since he wakes up so many times during the night I am going to have to make many trips across the hall to nurse him and get him back to sleep. Whereas now I would just have to sit up in bed, nurse him, and put him back in his pack n play. But I am excited to get more sleep in the mornings. He likes to wake up around 7am and start playing and chatting in his pack n play so needless to say Kaleb and I will be able to rest easier in the mornings with him in his own room. Also happening in the new apartment will be his first Christmas! Both families are coming on Christmas Eve to have dinner and open presents. I can't wait to see how a 5 month old does with presents. It should definitely be fun. It's true what they say-holidays are so much fun when you have children!
Well for starters I FINALLY got a new RSS reader. I say finally because Google shut down their reader in July and it is now December. Yep, FINALLY have a place to read all of the blogs I follow. If you're reading this and you blog, leave a comment telling me the name of yours so I can follow it. The RSS reader I'm using now is Feedly. I'm pretty much in love with it. It lets me organize the blogs I follow but putting them into certain categories. Love!
Anyway, well the time has come to move again. We found out last week that they are raising the rent at our apartment complex when our lease is up (Dec. 20th). They're raising it by almost $100. Um, no! There aren't even lights in the bedrooms. Not kidding! There are no ceiling fans/lights at all in either bedroom so in my opinion they're really pushing it already with what we pay now let alone raising the rent. So, needless to say, we're moving yet AGAIN. This will be my 5th move in the last 3 years. Absolutely insane! But the apartment we found is perfect for our finances and our family of 3. God is good, folks. So very good. I am going crazy though because we move-in 3 days before Christmas Eve which is at our place this year. Since it's Elijah's first Christmas we invited both families to our place. And to top it off Kaleb and I are both in a wedding the day before we move-in. Oh. Em. Gee. I kind of can't breathe if I think about all of it too much.
This will be life this month:
-Plan out the food for Whitney's lingerie shower (married ladies only)
-Plan decorations and food for Whitney's bachelorette party
-Pack up apartment/purge things
-Get the rest of Elijah's Christmas presents
-Get food for Christmas Eve dinner
-MOVE!
-Set up new apt + Christmas decor
-Get ready for rehearsal dinner and wedding. YAY Mason and Whitney
-Get Elijah's picture taken with Santa at the mall (that should be interesting)
^^I think somewhere in there I should add rest/breathe/eat. Ha! This is one busy month but I'm so excited for Mason and Whitney's wedding, our new place, AND Christmas time.
Also, Elijah turns 5 months in 9 days. *cue the tears*
From back to front: Kylah Kotze, Mindy Murphy, Shawna Whitney, Ashlee Miller, Bre Hargrove, and Whitney Holder (soon to be Whitney Pierce next month)
This is my beautiful Chi Alpha family tree. For those of you who are not versed in the Chi Alpha language this family tree is of leaders who put the person standing in front of them through leadership training. Starting at Kylah and ending (but not ending indefinitely) with Whitney.
2 years ago at SLA, a leadership conference, I first heard of the term "family tree." Eli Gautreaux, the pastor of SHSU Chi Alpha, introduced this term along with a picture during the conference. The picture was similar to this one. Eli told us the names, occupations, and even the year they served in XA. All of them in some form or fashion was still serving the Lord. I'm proud to say that all of these women myself included are doing the same. Whether it's in Chi Alpha, our church, their job, or within their family they are serving Jesus. We are all still fighting the good the fight and discipling other women.
The same time I found out who was the start of my family tree I actually joined her life group within our church here in San Angelo. Pretty neat! Kylah and her husband Michael were leading a young married life group right after Kaleb and I had got married. It's fun to see how we all have connected with each other at least once since becoming leaders in Chi Alpha.
I can't speak for all of these lovely ladies but I have personally been touched by each of them. Whether it's through learning how to navigate mamahood or just sharing life with each other I have grown in some way through conversations with each of them. I might be biased but this family tree is my all time favorite! ;]
Also, I think it's pretty cool that we're all married now. Including Whitney who will be getting married next month! Yay! =]
Wasn't I just writing Elijah's 3 month blog yesterday? Where have these last 4 months gone?! I checked under the couch, the coffee table, the beds, and even in the dishwasher and I cannot find these last 4 months anywhere. We've hit winter already. When did that happen? Wasn't it just July? Goodness. I've got to slow down. I feel like I'm completely missing out on Elijah's baby stage. I need to rest and breathe this season in more before it's gone forever. Time for some updates
- 16lbs 2oz (65th percentile)
- 25 inches long (40th percentile)
- He's obviously a fat shortie :)
- He slept for 6.5 hours last night! Longest he's ever slept.
- He's learning to scoot/rotate when he's on his tummy
- He does "baby push-ups" where he pushes up on his hands now
- He is in 6m clothes
- We have began cloth diapering and he loves it! I'm trying desperately to build up our stash
- He is still EBF (exclusively breastfed)
- The medicine he's on for his acid reflux is helping TREMENDOUSLY
- Still learning to laugh but giggles constantly
- He sleeps and naps in his cradle now
Elijah's first Halloween was a success. We dressed him as a crab and he slept through most of it. I'm sure next year he'll be running all over the place. Kaleb and I are now anxiously waiting for his first Thanksgiving and Christmas. So excited! The day he turned 4 months (literally the EXACT day) he turned into a whole new baby. Ha! He started napping in his cradle in our room AND he has stopped needing to be rocked before he's laid down. He's still really fussy before we lay him down at night for bed but just the fact that he can sleep in a room without us now is great progress. He's growing way too fast, folks. If only there was a way to pause for a little while.
I've typed up 3 posts in the last 2 weeks and I have deleted every single one of them. This is the creative process with writing normally but for me I'm always scared of the words that could be said back to my posts. Lately, I've been dealing with a lot of negative feedback when spilling out my heart. It hurts. Sometimes it's in response to a blog I've written, other times it's something I've done or said. Though I'm sure this was no one's intentions I feel very unsafe when speaking my heart now. Something I hope everyone understands about my blog is this-I am not a professional writer. I do not get paid for this. I don't have a quota of blogs written that has to be met each week. This is my sanctuary. This is the place I go to write out my heart, understand better what God is trying to say to me, and even to be wrong at times. But that being said this blog is mine. It's my own heart being spilled out through constant key strokes and sometimes even tears. My words are not wrong or right they are just mine. They are my opinions and thoughts usually scattered out over multiple posts.
I am not a theologian. I do not understand many verses in the Bible though I try my best to seek what God is trying to tell me through scripture. I am not a counselor. I cannot fix your problems through my blog but I can listen if you ever need a friend. I am not a preacher. I can't spout my testimony, pair it with wisdom, and expect you to get saved or even to understand just how ashamed I am of who I use to be. I am just a wife and a mama trying to learn how to be a Kingdom woman and how I can better serve my God and my family.
So, I will no longer be sharing my posts via Facebook. I will share my posts containing updates of Elijah for family but all other posts will only be written, never shared. If you would like to subscribe to my blog you most definitely can keep up with my family and my heart through that. This is not a bad thing in my opinion. I shouldn't force anyones curiosity by sharing my blog via social media networks. I, personally, think this is a good thing. Its a new season for my writing. And if you enjoy taking a look into my heart, hit that subscribe button. I don't mind one bit. Thanks for reading!
GO
Together
Because I am never truly alone
Together with You, My King is where my heart finds truth
You deal with me in ways only I can understand.
I say deal because I am stubborn but when You speak I am instantly brought to my knees in an attempt to understand what it means to really demonstrate sacrificial love. I'm trying to show it to my sweet baby. But I will never learn this on my own.
Together.
Together You take my husbands hand and mine and help us lead this life you've entrusted us with. Together we are three. You lead, we trail a bit behind, and then behind us is Elijah. We gave him a strong name for a reason. Savior, together is the only way we can do this.
Together my husband and I will fight to know You more, to hear Your voice, to understand Your word in hopes that we can show Elijah Your grace.
Because one day he will not walk with us, he will walk with You. And You and him will be together.
My boy is 3 months old! This is such a huge milestone for me personally because all of my breastfeeding mama's told me everything would be easier once the 3 month mark hit and they were so right! Nursing has been going so well for Elijah and I. It really is like second nature now and I'm very proud of us for making it to the 3 month mark. I'm even proud of Kaleb! He's been my biggest supporter and encourager through this whole experience and I love him for having my back and telling me I could do it. But along with easier nursing came a spike in his acid reflux. It got worse last week so his pediatrician changed his medicine to Nexium. He's been on it for a couple of days so far and I believe all is well. We had a little scare the other day but I think that was just new parent anxiety getting the best of us. He's a trooper, my boy! At 3 months Elijah is...
- Still sleeping a 4-5 hour stretch at the beginning of the night (occasionally he trips us up and wakes every 2 hours)
- Grabbing toys on his play mat and bringing them to his mouth so he can chew on them
- He finally has a favorite toy! He loves his ball. Like, LOVES it.
- Rolls over from tummy to back and back to tummy but no double roll yet
- Chats CONSTANTLY. He loves to tell stories
- He has discovered Kaleb's beard and my hair and likes to pull on them all the time
- He is in 3m-6m clothes
- He has discovered his hands and is always sucking on them
- He kicks his feet up and touches them when he's on his back but hasn't quite discovered them yet
- He likes to stroke my face and arm while I rock him
Elijah's first holiday is coming up in 2 weeks! Though I'm not a huge fan of Halloween I'm very excited to take him to our churches festival, Rock the Pumpkin. Still not sure if we're going to put him in a costume or not. Putting his jacket on can be hassle let alone a whole costume so we'll see. He's beginning to be more playful and I love it! He's also in this slightly annoying new stage where he cries for almost 10 minutes each time he gets ready to sleep. Nap, bedtime...any time! Praying this stage ends soon but things could always be harder. We're thankful for such a happy, sweet baby. God has blessed us so!
There's a picture going around my news feed. Maybe you saw me share it on Instagram?
This was still fresh in my mind when I picked up Elijah from his cradle this morning. He smiled up at me as he saw my head appear above him. I went through my usual greeting with him.
"Hi bud. Good morning. Oh goodness you're so handsome. Did you sleep well? Hey. Hey baby."
I picked him up, kissed the smile that was still lighting up the room, and then crawled into bed to nurse him. As I nursed him, I wept. Since Elijah has been born I haven't really thought about my baby in Heaven very much. I felt guilty. I should be thinking about that baby more. But who can blame me? My other baby is finally here and in my arms. It's not that I had forgot about my other one. I've just been enjoying my time with my son.
The guilt washed away.
I got on facebook and saw that more of my friends had shared this photo. Can I just say how refreshing it is that women I know are being open about their loss. It's beautiful, really. I mean look at that statistic. 1 in 4. It's actually pretty common so I'm glad everyone can talk about it openly. But it took years of living in San Angelo before I talked about it with others. It even took a lot in me to share that picture on Instagram. Why? Simple. I'm embarrassed. My miscarriage, unlike my friends, happened in high school with a boy I obviously wasn't married too. And sometimes I let the fact that this happened during my Ungodly life overpower the real issue at hand. I lost a baby. I lost what would have been my first baby. The other stuff doesn't matter. Loss is loss. I think that deserves to be typed again. Loss is loss. No matter which way you flip it or spin it or tell it or experience it.
I stepped out of the shadows last year around this time actually and wrote my first blog containing my miscarriage. It was hard. It was painful. It was real. And the responses I got were nothing short of loving. I don't know why for a moment I thought this would be any different.
So, to my baby in heaven- I know your name and your gender but I won't say them here. I'll keep them locked safely in my heart. I want you to know that you have a little brother and that I didn't forget that this May you would have been 6 years old. I bet you would have lit up a room with your smile the same way Elijah does. I know Jesus is taking care of you. He promised me long ago that He would. You have a little sister, too. She was actually born a couple of weeks after your brother was. How weird is that? But still pretty cool at the same time. She has the cutest, chubbiest cheeks you could ever squeeze and Elijah has some awesome leg chunk that you could totally chew on. I want you to know that you would have been very loved here. You would have had 2 really great families. I love you, my dearest one. And one day I will meet you. I will hold you and kiss you and cuddle you tight. I promise.
My baby's 2 month update-
-He is 12 lbs even (50th percentile) and 23 in long (60th percentile)
-He still sleeps in a swing but naps in his infant rocker
-He still eats every 2-3 hours like the piglet he is
-He smiles constantly and is learning how to laugh
-He coo's and gurgles when he's rested and has a full tummy
-He's recognizing faces more which means he gets really excited when I pick him up after a nap and when daddy comes home from work
-He loves his play mat still and is working on batting at objects that hang in front of him
-He has not slept through the night yet BUT he sleeps a 4-5 hr stretch after he is first laid down and then wakes every 2-3 hours to eat
-He is in size 3m but is quickly growing and moving on to the next size which is still baggy on him
-He has developed his own routine that he is currently teaching mama and daddy about it
Elijah is seriously the best baby ever! I'm sure most parents say that so that sentence really shouldn't come as a shock to anyone. He has taken a few road trips now and has not fussed once. This last one we took to Kerrville he actually slept the entire way back to San Angelo. It was wonderful! This weekend both families will be up for his dedication which will happen at church on Sunday morning. I can't wait!!! Of course I have his outfit all picked out and ready to go as well as lunch planned at Zero One Ale house afterwards for our families. Kaleb is working hard as usual for us. He is such a good provider and spends every free minute he has with Elijah. Their bond is unique I can already tell but there is definitely something to be said about the bond between and a mother and son. It's different from what I expected but then again maybe that's just the bond between a mama and her baby. Most days I find myself staring at him and thanking God for his life. I'm so in love with this sweet boy it's insane! He is already doing so much better with sleeping. I don't have to constantly hold him anymore. He sleeps independently and will sit in his rocker while I do the dishes or get ready for the day. It's crazy how much he grows each and every day. This guy is our pride and joy!
-He is in size 3m but is quickly growing and moving on to the next size which is still baggy on him
-He has developed his own routine that he is currently teaching mama and daddy about it
Elijah is seriously the best baby ever! I'm sure most parents say that so that sentence really shouldn't come as a shock to anyone. He has taken a few road trips now and has not fussed once. This last one we took to Kerrville he actually slept the entire way back to San Angelo. It was wonderful! This weekend both families will be up for his dedication which will happen at church on Sunday morning. I can't wait!!! Of course I have his outfit all picked out and ready to go as well as lunch planned at Zero One Ale house afterwards for our families. Kaleb is working hard as usual for us. He is such a good provider and spends every free minute he has with Elijah. Their bond is unique I can already tell but there is definitely something to be said about the bond between and a mother and son. It's different from what I expected but then again maybe that's just the bond between a mama and her baby. Most days I find myself staring at him and thanking God for his life. I'm so in love with this sweet boy it's insane! He is already doing so much better with sleeping. I don't have to constantly hold him anymore. He sleeps independently and will sit in his rocker while I do the dishes or get ready for the day. It's crazy how much he grows each and every day. This guy is our pride and joy!
I never used that word so much until this last week. I haven't actually said it out loud but in my head this word reigns lately.
Inadequate
Last Thursday was a special night. A group of women from my church gathered at a friend's house and had a sweet get together with our OBGYN. Yes, we all have the same one. She comes highly recommended in our church. Of the 7 of us Dr. Coronado has delivered 5 of our babies, will hopefully deliver 1 on the way, and has been an amazing inspiration to our girl who is trying to get pregnant. All in all she's amazing and we all love her dearly. I mean really...who hangs out with their OBGYN? We do! Listening to the women around me speak brought that word to my mind.
"I am inadequate. I can't compare with these women. I can't do motherhood as beautifully as they do. I don't measure up."
I'm the youngest of these women. I've been married the shortest amount of time. I'm the newest mama. All of these things make me inexperienced in most ways. After Dr. Coronado left we stayed and chatted. It was nice and it was needed. They talked with me about a lot of the changes and new struggles within the Hargrove home. I cried, they listened, and they offered wisdom. The more we chatted the more that word started to fade. It's not that I don't measure up, it's that I'm learning. I'm walking along this newly paved path holding my husbands hand and carrying our baby and Jesus...He walks in front of us. These women are a gift to me. They have taught me so much in these last 2 months of being a mom then I could have ever asked for.
Satan is truly the father of lies and he tries to speak this lie specifically to me all the time but I am enough. I am adequate. I'm doing a great job. He can never take away from who God says I am. He says I am a mom and there is power in that role. True, discipling, loving power. I love my family, my mama's, and more importantly my King. What a sweet King He is and what an amazing life He has blessed me with. I'm beyond grateful.
Today I attend life group for the first time in two years instead of leading one.
Bittersweet.
I am so excited though because my BEST FRIEND is leading the life group I will be attending. For the last 2 years she was in my life group, loving Jesus, loving my girls, and she was always longing. Longing to share and learn. I remember a specific moment on my couch at 3 am when she opened up her life to me. She let me in to a part of her heart that not many people got to see. She was embarrassed and scared of sharing her secrets with me but little did she know at that time thats exactly what a life group leader longs for. Those early morning/late night conversations where one of their girls/guys opens up a part of their heart to you, showing you how much they trust you. Whitney, my best friend, gets to learn that this year. She will get many moments like the one she shared with me. I'm excited to watch her grow her life group girls like she watched me do for the last 2 years.
I'm passing the Paton when I thought I would be running the race next to her. I had planned during my whole pregnancy to still be leading a life group but as any mama knows nothing goes according to plan. I've had to adjust many plans and then go with the flow. It's...tough. BUT I'm still discipling a few of my sweet girls as well as my precious baby boy. My life is good, folks. So good! It's hectic and crazy but it's wonderful. The one thing that will make it that much better is being in Whitney's life group, sharing life with her girls. I can't wait for tonight! I've got a bottle pumped and ready to go so Kaleb can be with Elijah while I have some much needed girl time.
I've covered tonight in prayer, believing God for good things to come and for her girls to all be specifically placed in her life group. Now, I get to watch her go!
Ready...set...
Leadership.
More importantly-Chi Alpha
MORE importantly-Jesus!
I love this team, I love this ministry, and I love my Jesus!
Fall semester starts next week. Dorm move in's are Friday and then the following Monday classes start. But even better than that-Chi Alpha kicks off! As our pastor Heath said-"The first 2 weeks back are crucial. It's harvest time." Truer words could not have been spoken. I always get so excited at the beginning of the school year and I'm not even in school anymore. I love watching everyone set up their dorm's as we help them move in. I love the fajita dinner where we meet all of the freshmen. I love the organizational fairs where we tell all of the students about XA. I love the huge game of Capture the Flag that we play the first week back. I just love this time. Sadly, I will only be able to do half as much as I usually do because I have to take care of Elijah. No biggie. He's my favorite person to spend time with!
This last week we were at leadership retreat. Goodness, I needed it SO. BAD. I had only a few minutes of actual alone time but even in those few minutes God spoke. I love how He does that for mom's. Leadership is going to be hard this year with Elijah. I realized that even more at retreat but my sweet friend said it best when she told me it's important to bring your baby into your ministry. You're allowing people to see what a Christian family looks like. I love that! There was an amazing moment the first night. Our old pastor, Landon, came and spoke. At the end of his lesson he had a Holy Spirit moment where he invited people to renew their love language with the Lord and just to pray/get prayed over. As beautiful tongues were lifted to heaven by my fellow leaders Elijah and I peaked through the door to watch. Elijah stared. He stared and listened to this language he didn't know being spoken by people he's getting to know. It was beautiful and of course I cried. Part of the tears were because I wanted desperately to be out there. I wanted someone to pray over me. I need prayer. But part of the tears were from watching Elijah's face. I can see him serving in a Chi Alpha at a university. I can see him being discipled and learning to disciple others.
I love this. I love this. I love this.
I love bringing him to our ministry but most importantly I love ministering to him. He has a strong calling on his life. I can just feel it and I hope that Kaleb and I can help cultivate that calling in any way God allows.
Being a mom is amazing.
Elijah will be one whole month tomorrow! This post definitely requires some bullets.
- He is 8lbs 14 oz and 21 inches long
- He sleeps 2-3 hours a night before waking up to eat but then he goes right back to sleep
- He only sleeps in a swing that a sweet friend let us borrow
- If he's not in the swing, he sleeps on Kaleb's arm. Not a fan of his cradle
- He lifts his head off daddy's chest when they're laying down together
- He LOVES his play mat but won't stay on it for more than 20 minutes
- A few of his nb onesies are already too tight on him
- He's eating like a champ but still has his off days where he won't latch right away
- He spit's up a ton so bibs are his newest accessory
- He loves to sleep in his carseat and usually stays passed out while we run errands
- He likes being held by different people and looks at people as they talk to him
- He is a huge fan of bath time
- He likes to grip my finger and rub my skin while I'm holding him
- He is going on his first road trip with mama and daddy to HEB camp this week
This first month has been difficultly wonderful. Some of the sweetest moments I've had with my son have been when Kaleb and I wake up with him in the morning, pull him into bed with us, and just watch him. We stare at him as he stares at us and we laugh at his different facial expressions. It's simply beautiful. Currently, Elijah seems to be in a 4th trimester stage. He constantly wants to be held which is awesome but hard at the same time. I haven't been wearing him as much as I want to because I'm beginning to not be a huge fan of my Moby wrap. I'm working on upgrading to a sling or Beco.
Personally, becoming a mom makes me feel distanced from some of my friends but closer to others. In all fairness I was warned that this would happen. It's a balancing act in my opinion. Trying to balance life pre Elijah with life post Elijah. Things that were so simple before have become harder than I had anticipated. Going to church, for example, has become a toss up with each Monday, Wednesday, and Sunday. I usually end up in the nursing mother's room feeding and rocking Elijah but on a rare occasion he passes out in his carseat for the entire time. I know this stage will pass and one day I will be able to sit and listen to the sermons again.
He is truly a fun baby. He is already so full of life and has a hilarious personality. I love, love, LOVE him and can't get over how handsome he is. People constantly stop us when we're out and about and tell us how perfect he is. I definitely feel like a proud mama 24/7. And Kaleb is the world's best dad! He is such a great help to me when he's home. Working for 7 hours and then coming home to love on his baby and wifey is how he spends his days. I told him in my vows at our wedding that he is my calm and that has become even more true now. He keeps me calm on the hard days and I love him so much for that. Elijah is our joy! God has blessed us immensely with this guy.
Personally, becoming a mom makes me feel distanced from some of my friends but closer to others. In all fairness I was warned that this would happen. It's a balancing act in my opinion. Trying to balance life pre Elijah with life post Elijah. Things that were so simple before have become harder than I had anticipated. Going to church, for example, has become a toss up with each Monday, Wednesday, and Sunday. I usually end up in the nursing mother's room feeding and rocking Elijah but on a rare occasion he passes out in his carseat for the entire time. I know this stage will pass and one day I will be able to sit and listen to the sermons again.
He is truly a fun baby. He is already so full of life and has a hilarious personality. I love, love, LOVE him and can't get over how handsome he is. People constantly stop us when we're out and about and tell us how perfect he is. I definitely feel like a proud mama 24/7. And Kaleb is the world's best dad! He is such a great help to me when he's home. Working for 7 hours and then coming home to love on his baby and wifey is how he spends his days. I told him in my vows at our wedding that he is my calm and that has become even more true now. He keeps me calm on the hard days and I love him so much for that. Elijah is our joy! God has blessed us immensely with this guy.
Has it really been a year since I walked down the aisle and promised my forever to my best friend? Some days it feels like it's been longer than a year, some days I can't believe how long it's really been...today is that day. July 28, 2012 was the best day of my life. Marriage has been the biggest blessing I've known. It's true what they say-relationships aren't cookie cutter. They're all different. They look different, they're shaped differently, and they're built differently. Our relationship? It's my favorite.
One year later and I'm a changed woman. He makes me better. He is always present. He makes me laugh and smile like no one ever could. His heart is so tender yet he is so tough. Most days I roll over and watch him sleep for a little bit and wonder why he picked me. I still don't understand how this man, passionate about so many things, became passionate about pursuing me. I didn't date him only to find out he was my best friend. In fact, it was the exact opposite. He was my best friend first. I think thats why things moved so fast with Kaleb and I. He asked me to marry him after we had been dating for 4 months. Crazy but so worth it.
Our plans together are many. We have so many dreams for our ministry as a couple and even more for our son. Things we thought we wanted at the beginning we now see that we don't and vice versa. Our marriage, 1 year in, has been amazing. I know moments will come where we may feel like throwing in the towel but so far, those moments haven't come and even when they do I trust God. His hand is over our marriage, our home, and our hearts. There is no end to this because we have chosen love. We work at it on the days that it doesn't come so easy. I've learned so much from being a wife and I'm eager to learn more. Our life together has changed drastically in the last 2 weeks-we became parents. Our marriage is no longer just us. Our worry does not fall on each other alone. Our hearts have made room for Elijah and honestly, I love Kaleb more today than I thought possible. Our wedding day was bliss but I've found that being at home with our son, hanging out as a new family, has been even better.
Kaleb,
I love you more than words can describe. The day you became a father, I fell in love with you even more. Thank you for choosing me and teaching me more about my own heart. That kiss in that picture...I never grow tired of it. Your hand in mine still gives me butterflies. You constantly amaze me with how wise you are and how much you love others. I could say a million things here but I'll save myself more tears and just tell you that you make everything better. The hurt that creeps up on me every now and then, the constant fear that comes with having a mama heart, and the tenderness that comes from being a woman...you make it all better. I pray Elijah inherits so much more from you than just your good looks ;] I pray he gets your good heart as well.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I can't say it enough.
I love you.
I'm a mom. A new one. A wreck of a new one.
Is that ok to say? Not necessarily out loud but out loud via social media, is that ok to say?
I'm all over the place with tears and anxiety and complete fear of the unknown but this is where I go, like always, to write it out. To look back and look ahead all at the same time with my son, my first born, my sweet baby.
Right now, he's sitting next to me on the couch, propped up by his boppy, and covered in a sweet swaddle blanket. His eyes fluttered open when I turned on Bon Iver and started singing with it. He knows me. He knows my voice and my heartbeat and my breathing but me? I'm still learning who he is. I've grown in these last 9 days to understand more and more of who Elijah is.
Today, I gave him up to the Lord. An act I'm sure I will do over and over again but today at 9 days old, I gave him to Jesus. I relinquished control of the unknown and thanked Jesus for considering Kaleb and I as the perfect parents for him. I use the word perfect loosely as I know we are far from that but God some how considered us just that. His perfect match. No other mom can give Elijah what I can and no other dad can do for Elijah what Kaleb can.
Elijah Fisher Hargrove, you are perfect to me. I love watching your chest fall and rise as you breathe. I love the way your top lip curves way up and your bottom one sinks in so beautifully. You have a dimple on your chin that I could kiss over and over again. Your eyes, I die! They are so amazing and I get lost in them when you stare at me. Your hair reminds me of your daddy. You look just like him in my opinion and I wouldn't have it any other way. Staring at you makes me miss your dad when he's gone. 6-8 hours at a time really isn't a big deal but I do miss him. I miss him and love him more now that he's your dad and I love you even more for being his son. You complete our family. We were never whole until you came along.
I don't know how I ever lived before you. Did I stroll through life carelessly? Did I ever pray this much? Was my faith in God ever this strong or did you send me deeper into it? I'll never know because my life truly began when you came into this world. You are everything.
Because I'm already starting to forget some of the details I figured now was a good time to hash out Elijah's birth story here. I say hash out because I still can't believe what actually happened in Labor and Delivery room number 3 that night/morning.
Thursday July 11, 2013 4:30pm
Kaleb and I went to our last appointment with Dr. Coronado (my OBGYN). It was our last because she was leaving the next day to go on vacation with her family. I had asked earlier that week to be induced so that she could deliver Elijah. I know how crazy selfish that sounds but I absolutely adore my doctor and to be with her for 9 months and not have her deliver him made me heartbroken. However, she had called me Wednesday and told me she could not induce me because my cervix was closed at the last appointment. Inducing a closed cervix can end in C section which is not what either of us wanted for Elijah or myself. I wanted a natural vaginal delivery and she wanted that for me as well. We left the matter at that. I hung up the phone satisfied that this must be in God's plan so I didn't question it. At our appointment the next day my blood pressure was really high and they found protein in my urine. These are both signs of Preeclampsia. With my due date being 2 days away she told me she didn't want to let me sit for a week with high blood pressure anyway because it could be dangerous for Elijah and I so it was time to be induced. How weird, I thought. I had wanted to be induced and now I was going to be but not at all the way I wanted it. I immediately began to cry as Coronado tried to explained that we were going downstairs to Labor and Delivery. She asked if she could pray over us (this is why I love her, folks). She prayed for no C section, a natural vaginal delivery (because that's what I wanted), and that we could all be together for this experience since her plane left for Florida the next morning.
-5:00 pm
I was given Cytotec to help soften my cervix which was still closed. 4 hours later I was checked to see if I made progress and I was still closed. Coronado came in and forced my cervix open which was still barely a 1 and then broke my water. I thought things would begin to progress on their own after that since that was what I had always heard from other mama's who got their water broken. Between 5pm and 9pm sweet friends came to pray over us and others flooded our phones with text messages saying they were praying as well. I can't tell you how many people were praying for us that night. God moves especially when 2 or more are gathered in His name. This became so much more evident during my labor.
-9:00pm
I was given more Cytotec to see if it would dilate me more and I was told that they would start me on Pitocin at 2 am. I was getting nauseous so I was given Phenergan to help ease it which also made me sleepy so I figured I could take the next 4 hours and pass out before everything got intense but I could only fall asleep between contractions which were probably a minute a part, maybe more. That's when things began to blur together.
July 12, 2013 2am
I was given pitocin and told they would increase it every 20 minutes. I was checked first and was at a 2. I lost all hope of making it without medicine at this point because I knew how bad contractions were going to get. Kaleb called Evelyn (our doula) and told her to come at 2 am because I was going to need her help to work through contractions. Well needless to say things got intense faster than what I was prepared for. I kept feeling so much pressure in my pelvis and every time I was checked the nurse kept telling me how low Elijah's head was. Coronado had even mentioned things going really fast once I did start to dilate because of how low his head was. This was encouraging and confusing all at the same time. I couldn't understand why my cervix wasn't opening if his head was as low as everyone kept saying. Contractions almost immediately began to get stronger. I tried bouncing on the birthing ball right before the Pitocin was given but with his head being so low it just caused more pain instead of eased it. I climbed back into bed just in time for everything to hurt. About 10 minutes after Pitocin started I threw up over the side of the bed. I remember opening my eyes long enough to see that it was green. I kept wondering why my throw up would be green. I closed my eyes as the nurse gave me more Phenergan to ease my stomach. It finally started working just as contractions grew. I had to stay on my side because of my high blood pressure. I didn't want to stay in the bed. My birth plan was to labor in the tub and to get up and move but I could barely open my eyes. That's what I remember the most about labor-my eyes staying closed majority of the time. I tried desperately to open them so I could see Kaleb's face. I always felt better when our eyes met. He pulled up a chair next to the bed and just watched me labor. He tried to touch me, offering me comfort through his strong hand but I couldn't handle it. Nothing made me feel better and everything made it worse. I wanted so badly to tell him how much I loved him for trying to help but I couldn't vocalize anything at this point. The only thing I could communicate was when I needed more ice chips and even then I could only touch my mouth and then point to the cup. He knew. And I loved him for that. I moaned and yelled through contractions. I tried hard to focus on my breathing like I researched so much about but the harder I tried the more it hurt. I remember hearing Evelyn tell me to do whatever my body wanted. That felt great to hear. All pressure was off to keep my cool and I gave in, I gave in hard. My body wanted to claw at everything with each contraction. I clawed at my own hands, my pillow, the bed railing, and even my hair. I didn't expect this at all.
-4:20am ish
I was checked again and had only made it to a 4. This was more than discouraging. Looking back after it all I know now when I was in transition and this was that point. I couldn't stop screaming with each contraction. I felt bad for the people in the Labor and Delivery wing. I tried to control myself and just go back to yelling but screaming was all that was coming out of my mouth. The coolest moment was hearing these lyrics as another awful contraction hit-"There will be an end to these trouble but until that day comes, still I will praise You." Out of all of the songs that passed through the Pandora playlist on my Jesus Culture station these were the only words I heard. I praised God in my heart and braced myself for another one. I heard Kaleb tell Evelyn that he didn't know how she could do this all the time-watch people go through this much pain. I wasn't sure what her response was but I thought the same thing for Kaleb. I didn't know how he had made it that far without completely breaking. If it were me I wouldn't be able to watch him writhe in pain the way I was. Suddenly, everything changed.
-4:45am ish
I was done. I was giving in and getting the epidural. The anesthesiologist had been woken up and made it up to the hospital right when I felt the pressure get worse. During the last contraction before I pushed I had screamed so hard that it felt like Elijah had moved even more down. It was a really weird feeling but that was when the pressure increased beyond what it had been the whole time. I told the nurse I couldn't sit still for the epidural. She was telling me I had to and I told her there was too much pressure. She checked me and said I was at a 10. I went from a 4 to a 10 in about 30 minutes. It was Jesus. I was on the verge of giving in and He moved quickly. I love that about the Lord. He knew my desire was to deliver my baby naturally. I had prayed over the last 9 months for it, others had prayed for me, and it was happening. The nurse who had been such a sweetheart and so silly the whole time turned serious and I knew it was time. She looked me in the eye and asked me if I wanted to push without the epidural. I didn't hesitate. As I said yes to pushing I flipped on my back and jammed one leg into the nurses side and the other leg was being held by Evelyn. I strained to hear Kaleb's voice, trying desperately to hear where he was. Right when I started pushing I heard Evelyn or the nurse (I can't remember which one) tell Kaleb to sit down or to go outside. I knew he must be having a hard time. I just wanted him to be the one holding my leg. I wanted to open my eyes and see him but couldn't. After about 20 minutes of pushing someone asked me if I wanted to touch my baby's head. I kept thinking that it was impossible for him to be that close to being out. I reached down and touched his head and couldn't believe how squishy it was. That gave me the boost I needed to finish the race. A couple of more pushes and he was on my stomach. This perfect, purple, crying bundle of love was finally in my arms. I touched his hand as nurses ran around getting things for him and Evelyn rubbed some of the vernex and other fun stuff off him. I couldn't cry. I just kept taking in breaths and saying "my baby, my baby." I think I was still in shock that it was all finally over and this sweet little guy who had grown in me for 9 months was finally in my arms. Kaleb cut the cord like a champ!
Elijah's birth was a mixture of what I wanted and didn't want but overall it was perfect and I'm so happy that I did it without medication. It makes everything else in my life feel different. Right now, breastfeeding seems to be much harder than I expected but I just keep reminding myself that if I didn't give up during his birth then I can't give up with feeding him the best way there is. New parent life is an adventure but I have the best man to share in this journey with. He wasn't very present for the actual delivery because of how sick he got watching me BUT he has been amazing when it comes to me breastfeeding Elijah. He helps me calm down when I get frustrated and encourages me by staying with me and talking to me when Elijah does feed. I have an amazing husband, a precious son, and a MIGHTY God.
This is not as fun to write as Elijah's actual birth story will be (ha) but if I don't write it out then it will just sit in yesterday and I will be frustrated.
Rewind-
At 5 AM I rolled out of bed feeling like I had been ran over by a truck which was weird considering Kaleb and I didn't do much the day before. We went to visit our friend Sarah who had her sweet baby yesterday. Let me tell you-he is HANDSOME! I am totally not jealous at all. Ok, that's a lie but in all fairness she was due 9 days before me anyway. I was in bliss holding him so it took my longing away even for a little bit. That was the night before though and not even very late so to wake up at 5 am feeling ridiculously sore all over was just weird. I started a shower and told Kaleb my back was on fire. My entire spine hurt. Neck to tailbone felt so sore. I stood in a very hot shower letting the water beat on my back (it felt amazing) and had a contraction. I tried to not get excited. Contractions have been happening on and off for a week (ish) so I took it with a grain of salt and got out of the shower. I ate a bowl of cereal trying to decipher if my stomach pain was nausea or just hunger pains, texted Sarah, and went back to sleep (if you could call it that) for an hour, maybe.
7:30 am
Kaleb finally rolled over and opened his eyes, meeting mine, and immediately asked whats wrong. I told him I was having headaches and nausea and my back was killing me. We both had no idea what to think other then labor. It's our first baby, people. We literally have no idea how this guy is going to decide to make his arrival into the world. Kaleb had to be at work at 9 am so I was going back and forth deciding whether or not to get him to call in or not. Thankfully, we didn't have to make that decision. Kaleb called his boss and she immediately asked what was going on with me. He filled her in and she said he should stay with me (i could just kiss that lady). We went back to sleep just in case contractions would follow soon and decided when we woke up we would go walk around the mall to see if that sparked anything.
Noon-ish
We got up, dressed, and headed to the mall. Walked the whole thing, bought Kaleb a hat from Marshall's to semi-match one we got for Elijah, and then went to eat lunch at Chick-Fil-A. I got a salad since my nausea was still there and I had been making multiple trips to the bathroom. I ate the fruit out of my salad and then I was in pain. I made Kaleb take me home before we went up to the hospital to visit Sarah and baby Joseph again. I used the restroom for the 7th time within the last 24 hours. Pre labor is glorious, isn't it? Kaleb and I chatted about how this could be baby day. All the signs pointed to yes. His boss telling him to stay home with me was a huge deal. We took that as a major sign and ran with it.
2:30 PM
After visiting Sarah and baby Joseph we came right back home and laid down. We were trying to take advantage of any down time considering I could go into labor that night. Kaleb put a movie on via our laptop and I rolled away, falling asleep immediately. I maybe watched 10 minutes of that movie. I was in so much pain at that point that I knew I had to text some friends and ask for prayers. I know the power of prayer and I need some extra grace from Jesus. Texting back and forth with another mama friend she was giving me tips to relieve what could be back labor. I tried them all and nothing was working. The waves of intensity were coming in my lower back but trying to time them was pointless. It was all under 10 minutes so I knew that didn't mean much.
6:00 PM
Kaleb being the amazing man he is moved our TV and Xbox into our room so I didn't have to leave the bed. As if I really could anyway. He put on our John Mayer DVD and I tried to focus on the music since that's my plan for natural labor-breathing, focusing on music to get past the pain. I'm not sure how it will work with contractions but with back labor it was no use. It worked until another wave of intensity would hit my lower back and I felt like I was going to lose it. I had been texting my doula, keeping her posted. I finally asked her if I should just go to the hospital. Waiting on a reply, Kaleb and I got in the shower. I leaned on him and let the hot water hit my lower back. I finally felt like I couldn't stand anymore so I laid down in the tub of warm water for a few minutes until I just felt restless. Nothing seemed to be working. Got out and I immediately laid back down. I drifted off to sleep again without even realizing it. Kaleb came in to check on me and told me it worried him how much I was sleeping. It was worrying me a little bit too but I told him it was fine.
8:00 PM
We called labor and delivery and told them what was going on. The nurse suggested we come in to be checked mostly because she couldn't tell over the phone whether I was in labor or not. As we were getting our things together my doula called (I felt so relieved). She said the same thing as the nurse. There was no way of telling unless I came in and got checked but sadly she was leaving for the night. Poor thing had been at the hospital since 6:45 am. I completely understood.
8:40 PM
We arrived at the hospital and got settled into our room. The nurse hooked me up to the blood pressure machine and hooked up the baby to monitor his heart rate and my contractions. When she checked me at 9 pm my cervix was still closed but that Elijah's head is super low and that's probably where all of the lower back pain is coming from. Policy is to keep you there for at least an hour to see if you make change. If you're in true labor, you'll make change. We turned on the TV and chilled out for the next hour. I texted some mama friends, my sister, and my mom. Kaleb texted his mom who by the way had been worrying all day about me being dehydrated even though I was drinking bottles upon bottles of water all through out the day.
10:00 PM
I asked to be checked again mostly because I had to get away from those monitors so I could pee. The nurse checked me and said I was still closed but that my contractions were 2-5 minutes a part and that my doctor wanted to keep me another hour and see if I made change. She gave me the wonderful little jar to pee in so she could check my urine for protein and what not.
10:30 PM
The nurse came back in and told me my urine showed that I was EXTREMELY dehydrated. She gave me a huge glass of water and told me she needed me to finish it so she could fill it back up and give me more. My mother in law was right. And if you don't already know-contractions, or cramping of any kind can occur when you're dehydrated. The nurse told me the highest it can be is 4+ and my level of dehydration was 3+. How scary. Kaleb and I were shocked because I had been drinking water all day but she told me it must not have been enough.
11:00 PM
The nurse checked me one more time and I was still closed so she discharged me and gave me a list of reasons to come back in. Stuff I had heard before a million times. I wasn't super mad at that point because of how tired I felt. I wasn't sure my body would have been up to delivering a baby that night.
After finishing all the water I could and eating a sandwich we finally called it a night after an emotionally draining day. I woke up immediately an hour later with my shirt soaked in sweat. My hair was full of it, too. Other than being hot I actually felt fine so I ruled that out as having to do with all the water I had just drank or something. I continued to wake up like that through the rest of the night but still didn't noticed any more pain which I am so thankful for. God's mercies are made new each morning. There is a dull ache in my back but NOTHING compared to what it was all yesterday. I am a little sad to be waking up with Elijah still in my tummy but I'm so glad we went to the hospital or else I would have never known how badly I was dehydrated.
When E does finally decide to make his appearance I hope he does so in a normal way. Contractions or my water breaking. None of this back labor stuff, PLEASE! That was pretty awful. I am so very ready for him but all babies come out. No matter what, he won't stay in there much longer. My due date comes next weekend, folks. Be in prayer.
7:30 am
Kaleb finally rolled over and opened his eyes, meeting mine, and immediately asked whats wrong. I told him I was having headaches and nausea and my back was killing me. We both had no idea what to think other then labor. It's our first baby, people. We literally have no idea how this guy is going to decide to make his arrival into the world. Kaleb had to be at work at 9 am so I was going back and forth deciding whether or not to get him to call in or not. Thankfully, we didn't have to make that decision. Kaleb called his boss and she immediately asked what was going on with me. He filled her in and she said he should stay with me (i could just kiss that lady). We went back to sleep just in case contractions would follow soon and decided when we woke up we would go walk around the mall to see if that sparked anything.
Noon-ish
We got up, dressed, and headed to the mall. Walked the whole thing, bought Kaleb a hat from Marshall's to semi-match one we got for Elijah, and then went to eat lunch at Chick-Fil-A. I got a salad since my nausea was still there and I had been making multiple trips to the bathroom. I ate the fruit out of my salad and then I was in pain. I made Kaleb take me home before we went up to the hospital to visit Sarah and baby Joseph again. I used the restroom for the 7th time within the last 24 hours. Pre labor is glorious, isn't it? Kaleb and I chatted about how this could be baby day. All the signs pointed to yes. His boss telling him to stay home with me was a huge deal. We took that as a major sign and ran with it.
2:30 PM
After visiting Sarah and baby Joseph we came right back home and laid down. We were trying to take advantage of any down time considering I could go into labor that night. Kaleb put a movie on via our laptop and I rolled away, falling asleep immediately. I maybe watched 10 minutes of that movie. I was in so much pain at that point that I knew I had to text some friends and ask for prayers. I know the power of prayer and I need some extra grace from Jesus. Texting back and forth with another mama friend she was giving me tips to relieve what could be back labor. I tried them all and nothing was working. The waves of intensity were coming in my lower back but trying to time them was pointless. It was all under 10 minutes so I knew that didn't mean much.
6:00 PM
Kaleb being the amazing man he is moved our TV and Xbox into our room so I didn't have to leave the bed. As if I really could anyway. He put on our John Mayer DVD and I tried to focus on the music since that's my plan for natural labor-breathing, focusing on music to get past the pain. I'm not sure how it will work with contractions but with back labor it was no use. It worked until another wave of intensity would hit my lower back and I felt like I was going to lose it. I had been texting my doula, keeping her posted. I finally asked her if I should just go to the hospital. Waiting on a reply, Kaleb and I got in the shower. I leaned on him and let the hot water hit my lower back. I finally felt like I couldn't stand anymore so I laid down in the tub of warm water for a few minutes until I just felt restless. Nothing seemed to be working. Got out and I immediately laid back down. I drifted off to sleep again without even realizing it. Kaleb came in to check on me and told me it worried him how much I was sleeping. It was worrying me a little bit too but I told him it was fine.
8:00 PM
We called labor and delivery and told them what was going on. The nurse suggested we come in to be checked mostly because she couldn't tell over the phone whether I was in labor or not. As we were getting our things together my doula called (I felt so relieved). She said the same thing as the nurse. There was no way of telling unless I came in and got checked but sadly she was leaving for the night. Poor thing had been at the hospital since 6:45 am. I completely understood.
8:40 PM
We arrived at the hospital and got settled into our room. The nurse hooked me up to the blood pressure machine and hooked up the baby to monitor his heart rate and my contractions. When she checked me at 9 pm my cervix was still closed but that Elijah's head is super low and that's probably where all of the lower back pain is coming from. Policy is to keep you there for at least an hour to see if you make change. If you're in true labor, you'll make change. We turned on the TV and chilled out for the next hour. I texted some mama friends, my sister, and my mom. Kaleb texted his mom who by the way had been worrying all day about me being dehydrated even though I was drinking bottles upon bottles of water all through out the day.
10:00 PM
I asked to be checked again mostly because I had to get away from those monitors so I could pee. The nurse checked me and said I was still closed but that my contractions were 2-5 minutes a part and that my doctor wanted to keep me another hour and see if I made change. She gave me the wonderful little jar to pee in so she could check my urine for protein and what not.
10:30 PM
The nurse came back in and told me my urine showed that I was EXTREMELY dehydrated. She gave me a huge glass of water and told me she needed me to finish it so she could fill it back up and give me more. My mother in law was right. And if you don't already know-contractions, or cramping of any kind can occur when you're dehydrated. The nurse told me the highest it can be is 4+ and my level of dehydration was 3+. How scary. Kaleb and I were shocked because I had been drinking water all day but she told me it must not have been enough.
11:00 PM
The nurse checked me one more time and I was still closed so she discharged me and gave me a list of reasons to come back in. Stuff I had heard before a million times. I wasn't super mad at that point because of how tired I felt. I wasn't sure my body would have been up to delivering a baby that night.
After finishing all the water I could and eating a sandwich we finally called it a night after an emotionally draining day. I woke up immediately an hour later with my shirt soaked in sweat. My hair was full of it, too. Other than being hot I actually felt fine so I ruled that out as having to do with all the water I had just drank or something. I continued to wake up like that through the rest of the night but still didn't noticed any more pain which I am so thankful for. God's mercies are made new each morning. There is a dull ache in my back but NOTHING compared to what it was all yesterday. I am a little sad to be waking up with Elijah still in my tummy but I'm so glad we went to the hospital or else I would have never known how badly I was dehydrated.
When E does finally decide to make his appearance I hope he does so in a normal way. Contractions or my water breaking. None of this back labor stuff, PLEASE! That was pretty awful. I am so very ready for him but all babies come out. No matter what, he won't stay in there much longer. My due date comes next weekend, folks. Be in prayer.
Yep, 38 weeks today. Elijah's cradle is literally inches from my face and even in a semi dark room, I'm staring into it wishing he was there. If he comes within this week, fantastic! And if he waits till his due date that's still only 2 weeks away. Honestly, it's all too fast yet not fast enough.
A little knee just pushed on my rib cage. He must be a night owl, too.
I read 2 books to him tonight as I
rocked in the chair in the nursery while Kaleb sat across from me on the futon, listening and playing on the iPad. When I was finished I sat next to him and asked if he would pray over Elijah and I. That was the first time a prayer was spoken to Jesus in his nursery. I feel like that room is now the most blessed room in our tiny apartment.
rocked in the chair in the nursery while Kaleb sat across from me on the futon, listening and playing on the iPad. When I was finished I sat next to him and asked if he would pray over Elijah and I. That was the first time a prayer was spoken to Jesus in his nursery. I feel like that room is now the most blessed room in our tiny apartment.
I'm terrified and excited and overwhelmed with what ifs.
Kaleb starts training for his new job tomorrow. They know we're on baby watch as does his other job. Both families are on full alert with every phone call and text. And any time Kaleb leaves the apartment he's ready to go. The car seat is in place and all of our bags are packed and waiting on each side of the bed. All clothes are washed and organized. And the bottom drawer of my nightstand is stocked with things he may need at 3 am when I don't want to walk to his nursery (diapers, wipes, extra sleepers, swaddle blanket, creams, burp rags, and soothie.)
I feel ridiculously over prepared yet so not ready at the same time. Pray for me.
I had to bring the laptop into Elijah's nursery to write this blog. It just seemed appropriate. Staring at the glider, and his diaper changing table, and all of the sweet decorations adorning these 4 walls is actually soothing (kind of) at this point. I really didn't expect to feel this way at all when it got to the end of this pregnancy. I had been doing so well. I was longing, of course, but it was a sweet longing as I got everything set up and ready. Then, going to my 36 and 37 week appointments and finding out my cervix is closed sent me into this ache. Literally, that's the only way I can describe it. This longing so bad that it's actually almost painful...? I thought i was being ridiculous until a friend told me this is the hardest part during pregnancy-the wait. Thank God!!! I'm not insane or depressed in any way. I'm just feeling the normal ache of wanting to hold my baby.
I'm not as nervous as I thought I would be about the actual delivery. I'm oddly excited about having an unmedicated birth. I made this decision at the beginning of my pregnancy and the excitement has grown over these last months. Now, I am not at all in denial about how much it will hurt. Trust me, I know. I've watched the videos, I've read the birth stories, and I know that actually experiencing it will be a whole different ball game but this is something I want to see through to the end. There isn't even an epidural in my opinion. It doesn't exist. For all of you medical people who are about to tell me how stupid I sound-It's just a mind over matter thing for me. I know the epidural is there and if my doula's and doctor tell me it's absolutely NECESSARY then I will definitely use it but other then that it just doesn't exist. That goes for everything actually even a C section. I've prepared my heart for all of the possibilities of something going wrong. Praying against it but still preparing for changes within my birth plan. That's as much as I can do-have a plan of what I want but be ready for changes.
So, here's to waiting. All 3 of our bags are packed and ready to go and thankfully my family will be staying at the apartment so Kaleb only has to come back home to take a shower and get extra clothes instead of taking care of Achilles and getting last minute things ready for Elijah's arrival home. I'm so happy my mom and sister have volunteered to do that stuff so that he can stay at the hospital with me and E. They have also volunteered to clean and get crock pot meals ready. Seriously?! I have the best family ever! Now, the countdown begins. I'm still betting he'll come out before I hit week 39 but knowing this kid, he'll probably decide to prove me wrong. Oh, goodness. =]
If you have no idea what being a Twin Peak's girl means then bless your heart! Because that means you've some how escaped the tainted world we live in and I am envious of your ignorance but my guess is that everyone knows what that means. Especially my friends in San Angelo considering we now have a Twin Peak's conveniently located in our fine city.
"Do you want to be a Twin Peak's girl"
This is the ad that has taken over my Pandora and Facebook account. No, no I do not want to be a Twin Peak's girl and I hope you don't either. The mama in me wants to wrap a huge blanket around those girls and rush them out of there before another man can gawk at them long enough to take their wedding ring off and then give them some cheesy line that will make them feel special even for a minute. But the 22 year old in me who has only been saved for the past 4 years knows and understands and so I will not be rushing in there any time soon with blankets to cover the girls in and cold water to pour on the men.
Purity. It's real and it's achievable despite what media screams at you or what you've done. I think too many Christian women try and make purity seem like you have to be completely untouched or untainted to be able to call yourself pure but you are still pure. Even if things happened to you against your will (and can I just tell you how truly sorry I am that happened to you. It was in NO WAY your fault and you didn't deserve that). Even if things happened that you chose to participate in. Even if you were sober or completely inebriated when the last situation occurred...you are still pure. If you know my story then you know I had a miscarriage when I was in high school. You know that I made the walk of shame back to my dorm too many nights when my freshman year began at ASU. Those are not things that scream pure but I am. I am pure. My husband and I have pasts that unfortunately involve other people but for our marriage we became pure.
Getting saved in 2009 in no way meant that I did everything right. I still went out with my friends wearing things that drew negative attention my way while still claiming to love the Lord. I'm sure I greatly confused a few people and probably made some Christian women very angry but there is room for grace. I know what it feels like to long for that attention but eventually I learned to stop taking pictures in my bikini and posting them on Facebook. I learned to stop wearing the shortest shorts that barely fit when going to Chi Alpha. I learned all of these things because 1) I turned to scripture to find my worth instead of men and 2) I found women of God who had pasts like mine that had changed. I learned to look up to them and watch what they wore and how they conducted themselves.
I know many women will claim that this is just a job but let's be honest...there are plenty of other places hiring. I, in no way, condemn the girls who will eventually start working there. Instead, I weep over you because I know and I wish I could show you how the Lord views you but inevitably that's something that I could tell you all day long but you have to allow God himself to show you. He is completely enthralled with your beauty (Psalm 45:11). Because I understand that truth I now have a husband who, as my belly continues to grow and my body no longer looks like it use to, still tells me how sexy he thinks I am. He looks at me now like he did on our wedding night. He steals me away in the kitchen to kiss me and tell me how beautiful I am.
Twin Peak's is all about what you wear. It's not like you're going home with any of the men. I mean it's not a strip club or an escort service but unfortunately I can guarantee that one of the nights as you're closing up, that guy who stayed for 2 hours and ordered a ridiculous amount of beer will decide that he no long wants to be teased by your outfit. He wants to see whats underneath. And if your day went just right then your boss probably talked down to you enough to get your self esteem just at the right place for you to give in and go home with that man that night. I have never worked at a place like this but even I have had these kind of nights happen. And sadly, sweet girl, those nights will happen. I attended a friend's lingerie shower last weekend and we had a sweet and special moment where all of the married women (there was 6 of us) gave a tidbit of wisdom about sex within marriage. It was beautiful. I cried. Someone told the bride to that "it's being intimate with your best friend." What a great description. Another wife told her "my husband is an extension of Jesus to me." These women know what they're talking about and both of them have a past that involved others but they are walking examples of what Jesus' love can do. And that knowing your worth in Him changes you. It changes your heart, your way of thinking, and the way you act. The way God sees you...it's a powerful thing. Just go and read. He will reveal to you exactly what He thinks of you.
"You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; You have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace." Song of Solomon 4:9
5. More. Weeks.
I can't believe it. It feels like I've been pregnant forever and like I will continue to be pregnant for the rest of my life. No exaggeration here, folks. I literally can't imagine what it will be like for Elijah to finally be in the cradle next to me instead of inside my belly (which feels ginormous lately, by the way.)
Kaleb got a second job! He starts working at Sam's Club some time....soon? He still has paperwork to fill out but he will be working there 2-3 times a week and the rest of the time he will be at his current job, Fairfield Inn. We are blessed! Actually, I'm blessed. I have a husband who is willing to bend over backwards to support his family so I can stay home and raise our sweet baby. All I can think of is-"What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man."
Our baby shower was last Saturday and it was AMAZING! Just look at this picture-
Check that out! I still can't get over it...even after I have put most things away in E's room and throughout the apartment, I still can't get over it. AND there are a few presents that people have brought us who couldn't attend the shower as well as a sweet vintage glider my mom got us that is currently in E's room. AAANNNNDD people are still asking us what we need. Seriously?! How can we be this blessed? I literally feel so unworthy that it's almost sickening and yet here is my Lord, providing for us as usual.
My last day to watch the babies was the day before the shower but for this last week I have been busy. My sister was here for the whole week and we were getting ready for a friend's wedding so today is my first official day as a stay at home wifey (since Elijah is obviously not here yet). It's...boring. I have got quite a bit crossed off my to-do list for prepping Elijah's room so I am trying desperately to find more things to do. I am currently waiting for the arrival of the diaper bag I ordered off Etsy.
How cute is that? Once it's here I plan on getting our bags ready. His, mine, and Kaleb's. I am a little too excited about packing a diaper bag? Nesting...not just for the birds!
So, 5 more weeks! I can't wait!!! And I can't wait for our family to be here. All of our immediate family is coming to see him as soon as he's born except for Kaleb's brother. And who knows how many friends will visit once we are home. Goodness, Elijah is loved! So very, very loved! But in all fairness I think I love him the most. ;]
The blur of the weekend fell into my open hand this morning at church in the form of a cracker and a tiny cup full of juice. Am I an awful sinner if I say that sometimes communion doesn't mean me for me what it should. Sometimes I get stuck on the constant that is this act we do in my church and I forget to really breathe it in and remember what it's for. This morning my pastor spoke of what the church is. The church is an organism not an organization, it is a community not a company, it is a body not a building, etc. At the end of his message he told a sweet story of a little boy with one arm who came into the Sunday school one morning and the teacher rushed through her hello's because she was so worried her class would want to talk about his arm missing. As the class day came to a close she continued with her ritual, forgetting about the boy having only one arm, and her ritual is a little poem you recite about the church using both of your hands to make the church, steeple, and the people. The boy couldn't do it with one hand so a little girl leaned her hand over and said "we can do the church together."
My heart sank. Like it usually does with stories like this especially when they involve children. So, the blur of the weekend fell right into my open hand. Yesterday, after the baby shower Kaleb and I went to a friend's babies birthday party. She is 1! When we arrived at her house I peered through the window and saw a picture being taken outside of 4 generations. The great grandma, the grandma, the mom, and the daughter whose birthday we were celebrating. I instantly remembered that my son won't have the privilege of taking this picture. His grandpa isn't here, Kaleb's dad will not be here for birthday parties and pictures. And I instantly clicked to "it's not fair." Something I resort to quite often when thinking about Kaleb's dad not being with us anymore. "It's not fair."
And of course to put a cherry on top of this whole experience the lady who was getting baptized sang "My Chains are Gone" right before she was dunked under water as her old self and brought back up for air to begin her new life as a saved woman.
This is community.
First off I would just like to take a minute and announce that my BABY SHOWER is TOMORROW! I'm so excited! I can't wait to gather with all of my sweet friends and receive wonderful blessings of gifts for my sweet Elijah. Ok, Here we go.
GO-
Imagine.
Imagining you.
Imagining your every curve and smell and movement.
My baby. Your brown hair is in my head. I believe even if you come out adorned with only the skin covering your head, you will one day have brown, soft, shaggy hair like your father. I imagine my nose on your perfect face. I imagine your dad's eyes staring back at me as I nurse you. Skin to skin I can already feel you.
Soft. Sweet smell of a newborn hitting my nose when I scoop you from your cradle and instantly place you against my cheek. Staring deep into your daddy's eyes as you take me to a new place. Is it weird that I see you in my imagination already? That I can smell you and feel you and hear your cry echoing through my mama heart that is longing to meet you? Oh, how I long to meet you. How I long to squish your precious hands against mine and lay you on your daddy's chest late at night.
My fair skin is now yours as it mixes with the color of your dad's beautifully tan chest. And you are his son. You are my son. You are our son. And until you make your arrival...I will imagine you.
Imagining you.
