The Hargrove Home

Dear Abigail,

Well, your shower is over. Clothes have been washed and put away in their proper monthly spots. Socks have found their sole mates and pretty dresses are hanging on the other side of brother's button downs and polos. Decor is hung on your side of the room and even though daddy told me he'd do it, I put the rest of the crib together as well as wiped down all sides and corners of things you will eventually touch. A labor playlist is waiting on Spotify, your diaper bag is packed and sitting in the corner of the room complete with the most adorable coming home outfit folded neatly and placed at the bottom. The swing is put together in the living room, cradle is sweetly adorning the corner of our room, and the spot underneath our vanity is filling quickly with things I'll need in the middle of the night for you. Everything and everyone is (im)patiently waiting for your arrival though we still have 8 weeks left. The last stretch is the hardest and I remember it with your brother. The last few weeks feel agonizing especially when you feel so prepared but sitting here looking around at all of your things I know that I'm not as ready for you as I feel.

I thought the same thing with Elijah. I was ready for him but then he came and my heart almost exploded with the love that overflowed for him. I almost couldn't handle it. Would I be able to catch my breath when looking at him ever again? Would I be able to protect him from all of the evil in this world? Would he always love and need me as much as he did those first months? A resounding no answers all of those questions as they will for you someday. I gave your brother up to the Lord when he was nine days old and it's an act I play over and over again. It'll be the same with you and though I don't want to be this mom I'm sure I'll continue doing it even as you grow into a woman, wife, and mother of your own someday.

I'm dreaming of your sweet nose that I can see so clearly in your sonogram pictures. I'm wondering if you will have dark hair like daddy or light hair like me. I'm curious to see how you and Elijah get along during these first months. I can't wait to wear you and have you up close always, smelling your hair which will inevitably hold the scent of Heaven. I can't wait to swaddle you and place you sweetly in the middle of your cradle. I can't wait to take you to Kerrville for the first time and have a party in your honor. I just can't wait...for everything.

Dear Bre,

You are swollen to no end girlfriend and this last stretch of pregnancy feels like it's taking forever but everything is going to come so fast. You've prayed and dreamed up this labor and delivery process and for the most part you get exactly what you wanted. You're mighty. You birth your baby with no medicine even though they had to induce you and you feel like you're almost on a powerful high after that twelve hour labor but then he's out and on your chest and you realize you prepared so well for the birth but not so much for the everything after. In the hospital your husband does most of the work because you're not really there. You didn't change Elijah's diaper yourself until the third day of his life but I promise you he will never remember that. Being a new mom hit you fast and hard as it does every woman. You'll spend most nights nursing and then sliding your finger underneath his nose while he's sleeping so you can make sure he's still breathing. Every stir will wake you up and for many, many months you won't sleep because the anxiety doesn't leave. But I like to think that you leaned on God a lot more during this season then you probably ever had before. He sends you friends who help you on this journey of becoming a mom and even friends who aren't mamas who will hold your baby while they chat with you for hours. You're not as alone as you feel. You are surrounded by community and the three jobs Kaleb is holding down now is only temporary. Fast forward two years later and he has an amazing job, the job you prayed for over and over again. See...God hears you. He sees you. You are known and loved even when you spend 8am to 11pm without talking to a single adult. You got through those first months of witching hours and crying. You got through those months when Elijah would only sleep when he was held. You got through the CIO stage and eventually he sleeps in his own bed. You battled rounds of mastitis, ear infections, baby falling off the couch, postpartum depression, Sunday mornings spent in the nursing mama's room, Elijah's first trip to the ER. And even though it doesn't feel like it in those moments, your world is not crumbling I promise. You also get through milestones you thought would never come. He learns to crawl, walk, and talk. He pops his first four teeth within six days of each other and you lived to tell the tale. His first food was an avocado and he would still rather use his hands to eat than a spoon or fork. He learns to climb out of his crib much sooner than you ever thought he would and now he's two and sleeping in a twin bed. He blows your mind with how smart he is and how quickly he picks things up. He is strong willed and doesn't respond to discipline very well but somehow God will use his bold, courageous spirit for the Kingdom.

So, with Abigail you'll still learn a lot but there's so many things you already know now mama.
Nurse her when she wants and don't look at the clock.
Wear her so you can cuddle her and still play with Elijah.
Hold her if that's what she wants and don't force her to fall asleep if she's happy being awake.
Don't cry when you're sick and home with both babies, you can do it.
Let Elijah poke her nose and touch her head.
It's ok if she cries, it doesn't always mean something is wrong.
Open the blinds those first few weeks and turn the worship music on extra loud.
Put down the phone and trust your first instinct, you don't always have to call the pediatrician.
Utilize the community God has given you and ask for prayer or help when you need it.
Do not feel bad about Elijah watching too much TV at the beginning, Abigail needs you a little more than he does and that's ok.
Do not feel bad about putting her down in her crib so you can go to the bathroom.
It's ok if she cries while you're out at a restaurant. Just take a deep breath and nurse her.
If she kicks off the cover while you nurse her don't run to the bathroom, just feed her where you're at.
Eventually both kids will be crying at the same time-assess the situation and conquer one problem at a time.
Don't rush the days because they are few and far between.
Breathe in her new baby smell because that's a tiny glimpse of Heaven.
Thank God for her everyday even when it feels like you're going a little stir crazy.
Let Elijah bring you diapers and wipes and burp rags. He's anxious to help.
But most of all enjoy your babies. They are rewards from the King Himself.

Dear Abigail,

You are OK!! Every test has come back negative and your heart is fine. You are perfect and the funny thing about my version of perfection is that it's just you being born in general. Those tests could have came back positive, your heart could have had defects but I would still see you as perfect. Currently life is easier as we are finally setting up your side of the room in brother's room. I imagine sometimes it will be hard to figure out how to clash your flowers and glitter with Elijah's monsters and cars but I don't doubt you two will be best friends. I hit the third trimester this week and I'm blown away by how close we are to meeting you! The holidays make everything go by so quickly. Three months. That's it! You are three months away from being in my arms. Your shower is next month and of course Aunt Sissy has already began to make sweet crafts for you as well as buy you some of the most adorable outfits. Friends and family are excited to meet you and spoil you as well. Elijah only knows you through this giant bump forming under my shirt but he loves you dearly already. We can't tell if you're a fan of daddy yet. You kick him pretty hard when we're sleeping and you're basically inactive when he's talking to you. I bet you will be a daddy's girl through and through. Your name after all means a father's joy. I'm bummed you won't be here already as the holidays come but you stay in there until week 40! I want you nice and cooked before you come to us. We love you and can't wait to meet you baby girl!

Love,
Mama

I always think I'll run out of words each year and won't be able to do a post for his birthday or our anniversary, etc but then I always sit down to write about him and words flow out of me. Since this post is all about Kaleb James Hargrove I thought I would share 24 fun facts about him that you may not know. Just FYI I did this when he turned 21 so to be fair I won't post anything that's the same from that post. He has changed a lot in these last 3 years since we've been married and watching him change has been so fun for me.

1) He has an obsession with hole-in-the-wall places and doesn't want to eat at chain restaurants when we're in a new town.
2) He is a craft beer enthusiast.
3) He likes to home brew now because of that enthusiasm.
4) He loves anything Sci-Fi.
5) He loves to play golf but always comes back from playing and tells me how bad he is at it. Psh, men.
6) He makes a mean baked potato soup and it's the one dish I won't even try to make because he does such a good job with it.
7) German Chocolate Cake and Brownies are his favorite desserts.
8) He loves a good pair of khaki pants.
9) He's an Apple guy forced to live an Android life for the next year. Total bummer.
10) He is crazy in love with his son and can be seen engaging in some awesome tickle fights with him after getting home from work.
11) He is in school to be a pastor but it's slow going with his full time job and family.
12) He has many plans in his head to open a business.
13) He is very engaged in mine and Elijah's life (and one day Abigail's too no doubt). He doesn't just coast through when it comes to being a husband and father.
14) He has an amazing idea for a documentary and we often talk about what he wants it to look and be like.
15) His metabolism is ridiculous. He can be seen constantly eating but never gains any weight, lucky guy.
16) He owns a kilt.
17) He is a nerd in all forms and loves when he finds a fellow nerdy guy to be friends with.
18) He doesn't like the texture of yogurt and never eats it.
19) Star Wars. Nuff said.
20) He likes to baby wear.
21) He can play the guitar, bass, drums, and piano but the drums are still his main instrument
22) He loves his job and can often be seen with a popsicle in hand.
23) He has compassion for so many people and their burdens. I wish I was more like him in this area.
24) He doesn't want to settle for a comfortable Christian life. He yearns for deeper intimacy with the Lord and to walk in the supernatural.

I am not even ashamed to say that I failed the Write 31 Days challenge. I knew I probably wouldn't make it very far but I am a little bummed that I didn't make it at least two weeks through. Alas, when you're not in your own home it is definitely hard to blog as often as you'd like. No matter, I'll try again next year. For now we are still looking for an apartment and staying at my mom's house. We leave tomorrow evening to go stay at a friend's apartment while they're gone for the next two weeks. We wouldn't leave my mom's if it wasn't so far from Kaleb's job. He's been driving an hour and a half each way to work everyday and by staying at our friend's place he can cut that down to just 45 minutes. Still not ideal but better than what he's doing right now. I pray we won't have to come back to my mom's at the end of the month but that we will end up finding a place and moving before that has to happen. Join with me in prayer, pretty please? Thanks a ton, friends!

Kaleb got off work early today and got back to my mom's house around 3pm (it's an hour and a half away from his job). So, I thought it'd be a good idea to take Elijah to the park and just spend some time the three of us. I'm thankful for moments spent out in creation because being cooped up in a house can really make you forget how big God is. There's nothing super special here especially nothing that hasn't been written and talked about before but just watching the lake go on and on and not being able to see where it ends from where I was standing was really humbling. He's so big and I know I'm guilty of still putting limits on Him even when I've experienced this part of Him countless times. To just get out and see everything for the beauty and vastness of the Lord...

That's Jesus.

I know that a huge part of the way we act towards hardships has a lot to do with choosing joy and being grateful. Just another moment this month that Jesus has showed up in the mundane, everyday that is my life right now and proved He's hanging out with me. Staying with my mom for a couple of weeks is of course stressful as we search for an apartment but it's also so refreshing. My mama did our laundry and has been making us yummy dinners each night. That's just the way of a mom in my opinion. I know I would do the same thing if my kids were living with us for a while. I know she's tired and definitely still mourning over the loss of my dad and adjusting to her life as a widow but still she manages to go the extra mile for us. It's just another act of serving that blesses my heart from someone I love.

That's Jesus.

I posted a little snippet on Instagram/Facebook of my sister showing up on Sunday but I wanted to go into more detail for this post so you could really know how good and sweet God is just by the sister He gave me. After we moved all of our stuff into storage in Dallas we stopped for a quick bite to eat before we headed to my mom's house ( a little over an hour away). My sister called me right when Elijah was acting up at the restaurant so I was distracted and really short with her. I felt bad after we hung up knowing that she was just trying to be cheerful for me. It's this season, y'all. It's got me thirty different kinds of cray. About ten minutes after we arrived at my moms I heard the front door open and there was Charlotte. She walked in and told me she thought she would come cheer me up on a stressful day. She hugged me and of course I cried and didn't let go of her for quite a while. It was already 5pm so I knew she could only stay a couple of hours before she had to make the trip back home since she had to work the next day. But she came any way. She came for me. And like she does with Elijah, she brought Abigail a little gift for her one day nursery. We didn't do anything special. We played many rounds of Hangman on the chalkboard she just bought for me and talked about how this year is her year of Promise.

I really didn't deserve her kindness after the way I acted on the phone but she can always see right through me. She didn't take it personally and she just loved me through it and I love her so much for that.

That's Jesus.

Even though I'm late on these posts again this particular post for day 3 is one I've been excited about writing. Kaleb and I went to a worship and ministry night at our new church on Saturday. I went with heaviness which sometimes can be the best way to go to things like that because you go with expectancy. My expectancy was so far from what Jesus actually showed me. Isn't that always the way? I'm not sure if the guy sitting in front of us is a member of the church or was just visiting with his friends but he really floored me with his worship. He was crippled I could tell but I'm not sure specifically what was wrong with him. He stumbled in with a cane and sat down for the first song. There was a very beautiful moment where the man leading worship just stopped playing. I think there needs to be more silent moments like that during nights like these. It was silent for a several moments and the sweet crippled guy got up and walked up and down the aisle speaking in his own love language to the Lord. When the music started back up again he was dancing for Jesus and praying. My face got hot as I watched him and I teared up as I knew it couldn't be easy for him to do that without his cane. It was a beautiful picture of all I have to be thankful but also for what worship should look like even when it's hard. The funny thing was it didn't even look difficult for him. He danced and sang and prayed with such ease that I felt embarrassed for not going after the Lord the way I should have been.

I walked in those doors wanting healing and answers and for God to speak to me but He gave me so much more-He just showed me what being truly surrendered to Him looks like. I couldn't have anticipated that.

That's Jesus.

Elijah has had sleep issues since he was about four months old. He's had seasons of sleeping in his crib on his own, taking great naps, putting himself to sleep, etc. But majority of the time we're like all of the other parents at 3am letting their toddler come into their bed because it's easier than fighting them to go back into their own. It's a routine now, honestly. I don't even notice it as I roll over and tell Kaleb that Elijah is crying. It's the same thing every night:

Go get Elijah from his bed-put him into ours
Go get his fan-plug it in our room
Grab his pillow-put it on our bed
Soothe him back to sleep-crash

And then every morning when Kaleb wakes up around 6am to get ready for work I roll out of bed, pee (as is the pregnant lady way), and go back to sleep on his side. I've noticed it every morning but for some reason this morning it stood out to me even more-Elijah was almost practically on Kaleb's pillow. I had to scoot him over to my side to finally squeeze in on Kaleb's. It's amazing what my husband tolerates all night long. He sacrifices his sleep so that Elijah and I are comfortable. The tiny amount of room he has makes me wonder how he doesn't fall off the bed most nights. It doesn't at all surprise me though, this is who Kaleb is. He sacrifices everything all the time. I know this is basically in the handbook of marriage but I can attest that their aren't many husbands who actually follow through with this sacred act of dying to their own time, money, and energy so their loved ones can have a great life.

He came home early from work today and helped me pack up the rest of the apartment. He didn't once ask for a moment of rest which would have been his right seeing as he works all day throughout the week. He just packed and joked with me. Strategizing our next box of dishes, washing the ones that were still in the sink, wrapping them up once they were dry, and then stacking that box on top of the mountain of other ones in our living room. He wears Elijah and keeps him entertained during Abby's appointments so that the doctors can focus on me and her. He picks up the annoying every day essentials like diapers and gallons of water even when he just got out of rush hour traffic. He slides into bed tired and worn out, counting the hours before Elijah wakes up again and still offers Abigail and I some prayer and snuggle time. His sacrificial love is the most beautiful kind of love I've ever had the chance of knowing.

That's Jesus.

I vowed last year that I would participate this year in the 31 days of writing challenge. To learn more about it and even sign up to do it yourself just go here. I have every reason to not accept this challenge this year but more than just expanding my writing and going deeper on one topic I'm also seeing this as an opportunity to slow down and really see Jesus in the mundane for 31 consecutive days. I'm not sure if I'll make it to be honest. I might make it to day 10 or day 18 and fall completely behind or I might complete this thing in perfect accordance with October. I think I'm a little crazy accepting such a challenge when I'm wading through the junk currently going on but maybe it's just crazy enough that it will work.



Elijah is always doing something new or saying new phrases and words that I'm honestly not sure where he picked them up. The other day he was watching me play Candy Crush and said "RAINBOW MAMA!!!" I don't think I've ever told him what a rainbow looked like or showed him a picture of one so I have no idea how he knew. Probably all of the random Netflix shows he watches. Another weird thing he has been doing lately is crossing his arms across his chest and exclaiming-"I scared! I scared!"At first I would brush it off but he does it so much lately that I started thinking it was a good opportunity to pray with him. When he would say it I would ask him if he wanted to pray about it so he wasn't scared anymore. He would say okay and climb up on the couch so he could sit next to me. I placed my hand on his back and prayed for the Lord to take away his fear. Obviously he's two so he would say amen and then not long after that exclaim that he was scared again but the point I was trying to show him was that you can pray when you're scared. God doesn't give us a spirit of fear (2 Timothy 1:7) and even though he doesn't quite understand it right now I want to instill that in him. In the deepest part of his heart where he will hide his fear as young boy one day I want him to remember praying with me on the couch to not be afraid.



Kids preach, y'all. They really do. Most lessons from God that I learn come from something happening with Elijah so of course this was no different. We got some scary news about Abigail yesterday (hence why this first post is late). I will definitely share more once we know for sure what's going on but for now we have to get some tests done and I'm terrified. I'm so terrified. There is already a giant mountain in front of us with trying to move that this mountain now seems like too much. As I typed that I could hear the verse "This mountain will be thrown into the midst of the sea." My version of scared is obviously very different from Elijah's version but the answer is still the same. Pray the fear away. God is so much bigger than a diagnosis or a problem. He's so much bigger than these mountains. Part of me knows the Truth of who He is and another part is still just so scared. So, I'll pray. I'll keep praying until that fear turns to peace. I'll pray until God's healing hand moves over my womb. I'll do it because Elijah is reminding me that fear has no place in our life.

That's Jesus.

Dear Abigail,

I've never walked such a hard road in the (almost) 6 years I've been saved than I have in these last 6 months. Death can really take a toll on you and your faith. My grandmother, my miscarriage, and then my dad. It's all too much heartache at one time to even bare most days. In my quest of "why" I've found that I just wanted to walk away from this whole thing. Salvation, Jesus, God, church, Christianity....all of it. I just wanted out. If this was what was going to happen, God would take people from me...then I wanted out. That's what I've thought these last two weeks more than ever. I just. Want. Out. I could scream it to the top of my lungs and probably still not believe it though. I don't walk this road with the Lord because it's easy or comfortable. It's the exact opposite. C.S. Lewis said "I didn't go to religion to make me 'happy'. I always knew a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly don't recommend Christianity." Nothing ever really shook my faith before this. I've honestly stood on solid ground through the entirety of these last 6 years. Even with minor hurt and questions and seasons, I've just stood on solid ground. So, when the ground started breaking beneath me I thought about running. It would feel better to run than it would to stand here while it shakes.

But I can't walk away. I never could and I never will. That doesn't speak on what an amazing Christian I am or how big my faith is. It speaks on how amazing my God is and how He is ALWAYS faithful even when I'm faithless. There was a time when I lived without God and it was the worst time of my life. And still while I ignored Him and turned my back on His face, He relentlessly pursued me. He didn't stop because I made it hard. He kept on pushing and whispering and loving me. He didn't give up and I can't give up now. Because even while this whole ordeal hurts like hell I've still never known peace like this. A peace that flows in and out of my soul even in the midst of pain. I still have hope. I still have a Kingdom I'll be in one day where I will have the most beautiful reunion with my dad and we will hold hands while we worship the Father who so selflessly gave His son for us so that we could be right there in that moment together. And that son who could have walked away just as easily as I could, shed his blood to make a way for me, for my dad, for my husband, and for my children.



Grief and mourning aren't necessarily new to me but losing a parent takes on a whole new form. It's weird and tricky. Even after you're married and start a family of your own, you still lost someone who you saw day in and day out for so many years. Majority of those years were spent in attitude and teen angst; disliking all of the times he said no and begging him to say yes. Never understanding that he was trying to protect me. And without God we wouldn't have been able to restore our relationship. I wouldn't have been able to experience a father/daughter relationship the way it was meant to be if He hadn't wrecked me and gave me new life. While I will never understand why that exact moment was the time the Lord chose to call my dad Home, I am so thankful that He called him to a Home that I will one day share with him. I am thankful for 5 years of restoration. I am thankful he walked me down the aisle and gave me away to another man who now protects me. I am thankful he spent 2 years loving his first grand baby. I am thankful he loved my mom and gave me Charlotte as a sister when she was just 4 years old. I am thankful he always helped me move to a new apartment even though he was tired and his body was weak. I am thankful for small moments spent out in the garage together just talking about nothing and everything. I am thankful for the time and space he allowed me to have when I went away to college. I am thankful for the countless years he loved me even when I was rebellious and wild. I am thankful he never gave up on me.



He spent more years wrapped in addiction than he did walking with the Lord but the biggest picture I see is the VICTORY his story tells. His testimony colors the picture of perseverance so perfectly. It shows that he struggled and sinned but that God can change any life, at any age, and at any season.  His story reminds me why I can't give up and walk away. My dad's life will be a reminder always of the purpose the pain has. The Lord loves my dad so much that He saw his broken body and chose to take him to a place where his body is whole and his pain is completely wiped away. He gives and takes away and while he takes away He still remains good and He still remains God.

Hey there teeny one!

The second trimester is here and it feels like I can breathe more easily. You are safe. You are making your home inside of me more and more each day and a small part of me was scared we wouldn't see this milestone but here we are, baby. We did it! We made it through the first trimester, me and you. I promised myself I wouldn't write to you until we had reached the second trimester. I started writing letters to your brother much earlier than this but I had to be so cautious with you. Nevertheless you are a sweet glimpse of hope for our family, proof that God sees and knows our hearts more than we realize. I'm going to look into your eyes every day and be reminded that redemption is possible. You are forever going to have a special story that goes beyond whatever your birth story will be and whatever future God already has in store for you. I know Elijah is incredibly excited to meet you even though he definitely doesn't understand that you will be on the outside of my body eventually. Daddy is still erring on the side of caution as I imagined he would be but in general dad's just wait for that first moment they feel you kick. The bonding experience is so unique and special between you and I because I'm your home right now but for daddies and babies it takes some time to really know you're in there safe and sound. We are anxiously awaiting your first kicks, little one. And to find out what you are, of course.

At 13 weeks:
-No more sickness! It stopped at 9 weeks but would ebb and flow a bit these last few weeks
-Energy still seems far out of my reach but those quick 20 minute cat naps seem to help a ton
-Bump is more distinct but still can't fit into majority of my maternity clothes
-No real cravings just a lot of food aversions

I'm relying a lot on God's peace to get me through the next few weeks until I can see/feel signs of you growing safely inside of me. Repeating this verse over and over -

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

Three years.

TWO!!!!!!

My first born is two. My oldest baby is not even looking like a baby anymore. He seems so grown up even though I know there is so much more growing he still has to do. A few things this two year old can do/likes:

• Forming actual sentences
• Loves to repeat
• Has become a much pickier eater #pickyeatersclub
• Favorite foods-all fruit, PBJ sandwiches, and anything that's dippable
• Down to one nap a day
• Can climb out of his crib and pack n play
• Has become more of an early riser
• Loves to "play" golf
• Loves for anyone and everyone to read to him
• Favorite TV shows are Jake and The Neverland Pirates ("Yo-Ho") and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse
• Loves the slide at the park and will spend a whole hour going down it over and over again
• Loves the splash pad
• Wearing 2T clothes
• Size 5-6 in shoes
• Can use the potty and asks constantly but we haven't begun full on potty training yet
• Runs everywhere. Walking is too slow for him.
• Loves to kiss mama's belly and say hello to his baby sibling
• Not shy at all, extremely friendly
• Current favorite phrases-"Oh, MAN!" and "Daddy, come here!" 
• Loves playing with other kids but hasn't quite learned how to share toys yet

There are so many cool things to do in Fort Worth especially in the summer. Last year at this time we had just moved so we were getting to know the town and figure out some cheap/free family things to do. There weren't many options mainly because Elijah was just one. He turns two next month and it's crazy what a difference a year makes. We have so many more options that have opened up for us to do as a family this summer. Stuff we know he will enjoy as well as activities that we can do as a family but will be more fun than stressful (can I get an amen, toddler parents?). I've tried to provide as many links as possible so if you're in this area you can try them out as well! If you'll notice there is a small trend with most of them. Hint: It's going to be hot in Texas, y'all.

• Bicentennial Splash Pad
• Sycamore Spray Ground
• Burger's Lake
• Fort Worth Zoo (For an extra $5 you can enjoy their splash pad before or after your zoo trip and Wednesdays are half price admission)
• Panther Fest (The Slide is already sold out but there are a ton of other things to do their. So fun!)
• Pirates Cove
• NRH2O (This one and the above can get a bit pricey so we will probably only go once or twice this summer to each)
• Rockport (Kaleb's add to the list)
• Enchanted Rock (Kaleb's add-he says he'll wear Elijah the whole time. Ha! We'll see how that goes)
• Coyote Drive-In
• Fort Worth Children's Museum
• Trips to Kerrville
• Lots of park play
• Find some lightening bugs and catch them in a jar
• Family Drop-in
• Feed the ducks at the pond
• Go for lots of family walks in the evenings
• Teach E to ride a tricycle
• Take E to Build-A-Bear
• Movie nights in Sundance Square
• Celebration of Freedom
• Visit Clearfork Food Park
• Movies in the park
• Little Sprouts
• Forest Park Miniature Railroad

I have tried to write about my experience at Marriage Encounter as I said I would. I have also tried to write a Mother's Day post but the only post I want and need to write is the one I've typed up and deleted a few times in the last few weeks. This blog is my safe haven and my voice, it's my raw and vulnerable state where I love to be. No one likes sharing the awful and tragic parts of their life but this is my place to do it. So much freedom comes from writing it all down even if that means sharing it with the world or just sharing it with my small part of this world.

"But there's always rain."

When I lived in San Angelo I remember distinctly one year seeing signs everywhere that said, "Pray For Rain." It doesn't rain very often in San Angelo in general but this year was particularly bad. Everything was so dry. We went months upon months without it and people were even talking about moving because the water supply was so low. These people are also the young people who sat at Mr. T's, hung over on a Saturday morning, discussing their raving pool party plans for later that afternoon. So, I didn't take them too seriously but it was still a weird thing to hear people talk about. Moving because there was no water. It was crazy.

And then it would rain.

Not always the amount we wanted it to but always just enough. Instead of a down pour that lasted an entire day it would rain for an hour in the evening. Usually after someone decided to wash their car. And you'd find people updating their Facebook status' or taking pictures with super cool filters on Instagram because they wanted to remember that moment. They thought it would never come again so they needed to remember. Months would go by again and I would see the signs outside of the restaurants or tacked up on the Scherz Landscape sign because those guys really did need it to rain. Business was probably terrible during those long months of drought. "Pray For Rain" was everywhere I looked.

There are so many things that make it hard for me to sleep anymore. So many things I want and so many things I find myself saying, "God, we need this" into an empty living room while Kaleb is at work and Elijah is napping. Sometimes it's materialisitc like a house (because apartment life with a rowdy two year old is a cruel form of torture). Sometimes it's healing my heart for the ones that aren't with us anymore. Sometimes it's victory over fear (this fearless journey is getting so hard). It's even for things like broken relationships.

"God, we need this. God, I need this. God, I'm not moving from this spot until it rains, until You rain."

I woke up this morning and as clear as the sound of the rain outside I heard Him say,

"But there's always rain." 

There is always rain.

I don't know what healing you're looking for or what thing you feel you need but I do know that there is always rain. Sometimes it doesn't feel like quite enough, I know that. I feel like I'm the queen of discontent most days. I'm sure that's why God spoke that sentence so loudly to me this morning, because I'm so discontent right now. But I do know that one hour of His outpouring measures out my heart well. I know that in between the months of waiting for those things you're praying for, it feels like you're not going to make it. You will. When Satan feeds you the lie that God is never going to answer that prayer or that He is not coming to your rescue just remember

"But there's always rain."





"Oh I believe, I believe
I see the cloud and Oh the rain is coming
Oh the rain is coming

Oh revival, revival rain
Oh I see the clouds
It's coming, it's coming

I believe, I believe Jesus You're mighty to save
And I believe You pour out Your Spirit upon all, Please God
I believe, I believe, I believe You're pouring down
Oh it's gonna rain. It's gonna rain. I believe.

-Jesus Culture

In 3 weeks Kaleb and I will be attending our first marriage conference. I'm not even sure if that's what it's really called. Conference, retreat? I'm not sure. AG Marriage Encounter will be in Dallas April 24-26 and we're going!!! I heard about it from a friend of mine who said many couples I know have went to it and had nothing but good things to say about it. We actually registered way back in January. There's only 40 spots so they fill up quite quickly and I didn't want to miss out. I don't know much about this conference except that it's suppose to give you an even better marriage than you already have. I don't know if they do small break out sessions or if you're in a big room with all of the other attendees the whole time. I don't know if you spend a lot of time alone with your spouse or if you have a lot of free time for discussions with other people. What I do know is Kaleb and I need this.

Today marks a monumental day on The Hargrove Home blog-the fog of writer's block is slowly lifting and I feel like I can write again. It's been literally a month since I've posted anything and that was not by choice or a busy schedule, I have had the dreaded writer's block. I mostly write out of a thinking process through my life and all that is going on around me so it has been an exceptionally hard month not being able to sort through things.

Yesterday we attended service at our old church back in San Angelo and just like everything I'm scared of, the fear faded as God confirmed the doubt in my heart. On my journey to become fearless I have conquered quite a few things already. I was a tad hesitant to attend service at SAF because I know my heart and how much it aches for all of the dear friends we have moved away from. The smiles and the greetings from familiar faces as I dropped off Elijah in the nursery made the doubt rise. The hugs made the fear fall all around me. And then...

I walked over to the woman I had been longing to see the most. A sweet woman who has been a stronghold in my life ever since I met her. I hugged her the way you hug a person when you haven't seen them in 9 months. The instant love made the tears I had been trying so hard to fight back come flowing down the curves of my face. I shook in her arms and held on tighter as she spoke life over me once again. Without knowing why I was crying she spoke the words I know only God could have given her to tell me-"You are in the right place. We miss you here but you're doing the right thing."

There are many times God speaks to me and I'm sure I missed it completely and then there are times like that where I can't pretend to be distracted. I didn't miss this. I heard it loud and clear.

Maybe you need this today-

You are in the right place. 

I never once doubted our move once it happened. I never doubted it as I missed my friends or as we got connected in our new church. I never did...until we went on the women's retreat back in October. I knew why the doubt crept around me then. I was surrounded by a community of women and hadn't had enough time to settle into our new church and get connected with all of the lovely women there (see: sick kid, Kaleb's job at that time, weddings, etc). Hence the fear that came when we decided to visit SAF yesterday. I miss our friends and I'm certain I will never stop missing them but I love the new ones we're making here. There are so many amazing people we've met over these last 9 months. Amazing people that I can't imagine not knowing now that I do know them. People who have openly claimed stakes in our life for the long haul. Women who have shared wisdom with me and men who have engaged completely in Kaleb's life. I love them and I imagine one day if God calls us away from Fort Worth the way He called us away from San Angelo I'll probably feel a heavy heart when having to leave these people. I hate missing people and I hate saying good bye but I love the words He gave me yesterday.

You are in the right place. 

I quickly replied to the text without hesitation and told him I missed talking to him as well. We went from there and caught up a bit but our conversation was nothing like I had expected it to be. It was pathetic chatter between acquaintances instead of close friends. He told me he was always at camp and rarely had time to talk. Though he didn't ask I filled him in on my job at the daycare and how everyone was doing in San Angelo. After a few more texts were exchanged he told me he had to be up early the next day and that it had been good talking to me. It seemed forced but I was just happy he was talking to me again. Over the next month we exchanged a few more texts and a Facebook message before he finally returned to school for the fall semester. I knew he would be back in time for Rambunctious weekend but wasn't sure what day or time so I was constantly on the look out. I know I sound like a stalker (chick be cray) but I desperately wanted my friend back. I wanted to apologize and I wanted his life group guys to surround him again before he fell away completely. I was scared of losing him altogether.

I was serving sno cones at the organizational fair when I spotted him talking to some people from Chi Alpha. This was it! My friend was back! But he wasn't really back. Our conversation even in person was bleak and nothing like it use to be. I asked him if he would be at the first XA service of the semester in which he replied probably not. I knew it. He was slipping away. He was retreating back to this party boy demeanor and there was no saving him. He did his thing for the first 2 weeks of school and I left him alone. In the middle of my music class one day I got a text message from my boss saying that our AC was out at the daycare so I didn't have to come to work. I never got a day off during the week so I decided to text my friend Nate and see if he wanted to hang out. He had also been trying to stay in touch with Kaleb that summer and had invited him to his life group. Come to find out Nate had plans with Kaleb. I wiggled my way into those plans and Kaleb fell back a bit. Once he found out I would be hanging out with them he told Nate he could only hang out for an hour. PERFECT! An hour was all I needed to show him that I wasn't going to be the worst friend ever again. In my heart I knew Kaleb had every right to act the way he did. I was awful towards the end of the last semester. I wasn't the friend I should have been when he needed me to be so I had a lot of proving to do. I was right. An hour was all it took to get us back to at least a decent friendship.

We were inseparable again.



We picked up where we left off almost instantly. I did laundry for free at his dorm and he considered my apartment and roommates his second home. The constant flirting was ridiculous, too.  I mean really how often do you need to brush arms with the guy you like before they finally hold your hand?? Geez. On a camping trip we went on with Chi Alpha Kaleb confessed his love for me. Yep. Again, we were "just friends" and he told me he loved me for the first time. I didn't say it back for lots of reasons and I even tried to make him take it back but he wouldn't. He was honest. He was in love with his best friend and I cared deeply for him as well. It was official after that; we were an item. It was a while later before my feelings caught up with his but I did in the end find myself loving him as well. Kaleb never wavered with his feelings towards me. I didn't feel the same at the exact same time as him but he never took back those words. He simply waited for me to feel the same and that's part of the reason I loved him so much. Our relationship wasn't cookie cutter. It didn't go the way I thought it would. It fell into place at the oddest times but looking back on it all now I can see the beauty in all of the timing.



And the rest is history. A proposal 4 months later, a wedding 7 months after that, and a baby one year after that...we move fast, y'all. But I wouldn't have it any other way.

So to you, my forever Valentine, I say thank you for always going against the normal and moving at your own pace. Loving you is so easy and beating the odds with you is even easier. A few years is only a scratch on the surface of what our life together is going to be. I love you. 

February turned into March and we were both getting ready to go on our first missions trip. He was going on one with Chi Alpha and I was going on one with the BSM. Mine would take up the entire week of Spring Break so we hung out as much as we could before leaving. At this point we had no intention of dating and I was beginning to consider Kaleb to be one of my best friends. A few nights before I left for South Padre Kaleb kissed me. We shared our first kiss when we were just friends and it was a game changer for me. Yea he's pretty bold, y'all. I thought it was no big deal at first but then I went away for a week, came back, and I realized how much I liked him. He had been praying for my trip to go well while I was away and didn't communicate with me much so I could focus. We had one phone call in the middle of the week right before one of my late shifts on the van rides in Padre. He told me he had went to church that night with his dad while he was back home and that his dad had a very real moment with the Lord. Kaleb told me it looked a lot like his dad had rededicated his life to Christ. I could hear the excitement and pure joy in his voice. Kaleb was happy with life in general and though I didn't want to, I decided to stay quiet about my feelings. We met for lunch in the UC the morning after I returned from Padre and conversed about the kiss. We talked about what it meant but we landed on just friends once again.

On April 12, 2011 at 8am I woke up to a phone call from Kaleb telling me his dad had passed away. I skipped my classes that morning and made my way across campus to be with him. His friend Joey and I stayed with him in his dorm while he waited on his mom and step dad to pick him up from campus and bring him back to Kerrville. I walked around in a daze for the rest of the day waiting for Kaleb to call me and give me the details. I'd never seen him like that before. This was new territory for our friendship. Later that night he told me the story and the details of the funeral which a few of us from Chi Alpha attended later that week. He came back to school and everything was different. He was cold towards me most of the time and I wasn't as understanding as I should have been so most of our conversations ended in fights. I could tell he was frozen in time. He went through the motions with school and church and life group but he wasn't fully there. His dads sudden passing really shook his faith to its very core. The week before school was over he went on a date with someone. I was broken. I knew he shouldn't be dating so soon after his dad had passed away but I was also very heartbroken that it wasn't me he was dating. The feelings that I pushed down had finally rose up out of me and it was all at the worst time. There was no time, really. I was getting ready to move into my first apartment and Kaleb was getting ready to move back home for the summer. The night before he left we saw each other at the lake (those XA hang outs were so random). We talked about his date and instead of telling him flat out that I liked him, I danced around the subject for a good hour or two until it ended in tears from me and yelling from him. He sped off from the lake and that was it.



I moved into my first apartment and decided that summer to let Kaleb deal with everything on his own. I was getting in the way and I wasn't being fair to him. I struggled with this greatly. I wanted my best friend back but above everything I wanted to be more than friends. It felt like I had missed my chance all together and I was scared he was slipping away from everything. From God, school, his friends in Chi Alpha. I tried "dating" someone else but that was a bust from the beginning for many reasons and one of the biggest being how I felt about Kaleb. He worked at a camp that summer so he wasn't online much. I stalked his Facebook page everyday praying for a glimpse into his life through a status or picture. When he would post something it was usually about camp. I would see girls tag him in things and post to his wall and I just grew more aware of the fact that I really did miss my chance. I let myself fall into work and prepared for my first semester as a Life Group leader for Chi Alpha. About a month before school started I got a text message from a random number. I had switched phones a few weeks prior so I didn't have many people saved in my contacts yet. It was an area code I recognized and the single text instantly told me who it was-"I miss talking to you."







(to be continued.)

For our 2 year anniversary I shared the story of how we met and in that post I said though it may be hard I would try and share our dating story. Our dating story is sweet and tragic and sometimes it's not the most fun thing to share but we're nearing the 3 year mark of our wedding anniversary and just passed the 4 year mark of when we met so it's been stirring in me to get it all down on my blog. I'll split it into 3 parts because it's just too long to share on one entire entry.