Baby,
Something is on my heart heavy today. It's like a weight I can't push off until I tell you. Because I know kid's grow up hearing things and then wondering for themselves if it's true or not. So to clear the air-You were planned. I mean literally. Daddy and I planned for you to be here, we prayed about it, we got counsel over it (actually I got counsel from one person over it but she is someone who I get all of my wise counseling from. She is my mentor). You were intentionally thought out, my baby. And that's a hard pill for some people to swallow. Not that it was wrong but a lot of people have opinions on our timeline for things. We rush to quickly and don't think these things through but I've been thinking about you since I was 17. After a traumatic event that year (which I will tell you about when you're much older) I was growing with the Lord. I hadn't given my heart to Him yet but I was working towards it. Something He sweetly whispered to me one night was "I'm taking care of that baby. Don't you worry." And from that day I knew you would never come at the wrong time. Sometimes I feel like we think about things almost too much. When God tells you to go, please go. If He tells you to be a missionary in Ethiopia, go. If He tell's you to be a pastor, go. If He tells you to sing, do it. If He tell's you to be bold, BE BOLD! There isn't enough time left to let fear control your direction in life. Read that again-There isn't enough time left to let fear control your direction in life. That's not said to scare you, my sweet baby. That's said to let you know that you should live out your life for Christ now instead of later.
He's tangible. Know that now. That's something I've spent my whole life (my new life) trying to wrap my head around. He's forming you in my womb right now. He's moving things around inside of me so you can grow and be healthy. He's molding your future spouse. He's in our home. He reigns inside of our hearts. He's there every time I cried over you. He's there when you have your first heartbreak. He's there when you decide on your path. He's there when you walk into your first grade class. He's there when you fall of your bike for the first time. He was right next to daddy when he found his father passed away. He was there when I tried to hide. He's there. He's real. You can touch Him. You can speak to Him and He will always speak to you. And I am a living witness that He. Never. Leaves.
He never leaves us, baby. Through tears now, I can tell that I still struggle with that myself. He walks with me and He'll walk with you soon enough. So, never let others dictate your next move in life. If you're praying about it and God is speaking to you on it then go. Just go.
I love you,
Mommy
P.S. Thanks for waving to me yesterday on the screen. I cried my eyes out in front of the ultrasound technician but it was so worth it.
To my sweet unborn baby,
It feels weird writing to you from beyond the womb. Humorous huh? ;] You'll discover I'm pretty funny but dad is HILARIOUS! He keeps the laughter flowing in our home. Another thing that feels weird is being pregnant at 21 or being pregnant 4 months into being married. These are things you won't understand for a while (a LONG LONG while). But when you do I will be ready (but probably not enthusiastic) to explain what I mean by all of that. I've been thinking about this for a while now. Things I could write to you about and one day, when you're old enough, you can read them and together we can see how much my heart grew through carrying you. I keep thinking of the college aged you. I guess because that's what stage everyone is at in my life. You'll hear daddy and I talk about Chi Alpha a lot and that's probably because you'll grow up in it. You'll grow up in this ministry for college students because that's what daddy wants to do. He wants to teach college students. He wants to be a pastor of a Chi Alpha and by the time you read these I'm sure he will be. Chi Alpha is something that changed both of our lives but only because of the One who brought us there. I hope to raise you in Him, this man that you'll grow up knowing and loving. And one day on your own you will have to choose for yourself to follow Him. That day, my sweet baby, will mark your life forever. Trust me, I know. I can't wait to share with you my story of accepting Christ and I know daddy can't wait either.
You are marked already though. God has a plan for you, baby. A plan that I will try desperately to pray about and over you. People are already praying for you actually. There is an army of leaders, church members, friends, and family praying for you all the time and my heart bursts over that. My pastor's wife has already proclaimed many things over you through prayer over me. She proclaimed that you will reach nations and further the Kingdom and I believe you will. All of this wouldn't make sense if you read these at 5 years old but when you're older you will know.
I'm trying to be patient in my wait to meet you but 7 more months seems like an eternity. The novelty of pregnancy hasn't exactly clicked with me yet. Maybe soon it will when my tummy grows more and I find out what you are (though daddy and I already know in our hearts). I want to say that I'll always protect you and for the most part that will be true but there is a true growth that happens when you go out from underneath my wing. When you experience loss and heart break and frustration and confusion and the surpassing peace you'll never be able to explain...growth happens. I'm already praying for those moments in hopes that you will know who to turn to and that you will always know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made by a God who is in love with you (Psalm 139:14).
Love,
Mommy
When I look around my house I see table top's that almost can't be seen because of the scattered messe of bills, food, dishes, and random things. I look around and see a ripped a couch and empty book shelves begging to hold our DVD's again but won't until we move. I see a 4 bedroom, 2 bath house with cluttered rooms; half packed, half scattered.
I can smell the garbage disposal which is broken again. It is not a pleasant smell. I walk into the livingroom and smell "love story" by Scentsy warming my new/old vintage table I swiped from my mom's house over Thanksgiving break.
I want so badly to be the wife whose home is always immaculate. Whose home doesn't scream-CLEAN ME all the time. Whose laundry is caught up and whose to-do list is completely checked off. Whose husband has a meal ready and on the table each day at his desired time. Who doesn't have to order pizza because she forgot to set the chicken out again. Who has mason jars surrounding her kitchen counters filled to the brim with homemade spices and jams. Whose room is always set to a romantic vibe and not cluttered with laundry needing to be folded and put away.
But sadly I am not this wife and lately I've been ok with that. My home is lived in. We always have people over. Prayers are prayed in my living room by my life group, stories are shared, tears are shed, laughter is held and the love is deep...flowing through my door way. Kids play here. A 5 year old and 4 year old use my old make-up brushes as microphones as they sing to radio disney songs on Pandora. 2 toddlers stumble around trying to steal each other's sippy cups but secretly I think they're best friends. My hallway is turned into a "cave" while the back of my couch is turned into a piano. The imagination runs wild here by my sweet friend's kid's.
We're moving to something smaller but I believe the love, prayer's, and imagination will follow us there. And one day she'll be there too.
Oh goodness! I feel like I haven't updated anyone on the Hargrove home in quite some time. Though, it's really just been a couple of weeks. So here we go (it's going to go fast, folks):
-our lease was suppose to be up Nov. 30th
-it is now up at the end of December
-we were going to move into a cute town home
-we are now looking for a small apartment
-Kaleb is currently looking for a new job
-he has a bad sinus infection in which I had to take him to the ER a couple of weeks ago
-I got this whole week off (not planned) it was all very random
-Kaleb and I have been at my parents house all week. Enjoying time with family. It's been really nice actually.
-I have still not registered us for TWMS but that's the first thing I'm doing when I get home tomorrow.
-last weekend I was the guest speaker at the Phi Lamb retreat. Very cool.
-Thanksgiving was a huge success. I made a German Chocolate cake (my mom had to instruct me of course)
-black Friday shopping was an even bigger success. Please with all the sales we came upon.
-I have bigger updates coming in the next 2 weeks or so.
My only request is that you read this and then pray for us, please? We are entering into some exciting/scary/amazing seasons that (when I have time and I'm not updating from my phone) I will gladly share with you. I am also trying to come out of a funk recently so prayers for that would be nice as well. I think I always get funky around the holidays. It's the whole missing people who aren't here anymore and busyness that seems to always get me down a bit. Thank you friends!!
Sabrina isn't a cover up name to protect the innocent. It's actually the name of my sweet friend who just joined in on No make-up November.
This is Sabrina. This is an old profile picture I stole from her Facebook so it's already been pre approved for people to see right? Girls do that a lot. We check out pictures, look at them very closely, before we decide to make them our profile picture but even so Sabrina would probably look at this picture and say something about her eyebrows, or her smile, or the way her head is cocked to the side.
She would have criticisms for herself because that's what we do. We pick out so many flaws in the mirror that by the time we leave it, we're dissatisfied with the final product of how our face and hair look. And this....this is normal.
Today, Sabrina told me she was doing No make-up November. She told me this while having make up on her face. I laughed at her thinking she's silly and then ironically the Lord spoke to me in that situation. There is a true brokeness in the girls participating in No make up November. We literally think we can't live without it. We pick at our flaws so much that there is nothing left of ourselves. The point in this month of no make up isn't so we will look in the mirror and become sad for an entire month but to see what the King sees in us. He created us without make up on our face. Just the way we are. Bare faced. He's already named us beautiful before we grew up and tried our hardest to cover up things we think are flaws. So who stands up for her face? Sabrina's face. Who will look at it and piece back together everything she's knocked down. I will!
Sabrina, this picture does her no justice. She has beautifully dark skin and hair. White, perfectly straight teeth. Gorgeous eyes, full of love! Don't even get me started on her bone structure. Holy goodness! High cheek bones and a pretty jaw line. But that's nothing compared to what the Lord says about her. He says He is enthralled by her beauty. Enthralled. The King Himself is Enthralled by you.
To that friend you have who doesn't always realize how absolutely breath taking she is. Fight for her! Fight for the features that she speaks against. Remind her what the King says. Because sometimes that's all we need to hear.
November came fast, didn't it? Now it's the month where guys are incessantly blowing up my Facebook newsfeed talking about No shave November and how they will have the most "epic beard" ever. Silly guys.
Well, last year a sweet girl I met a couple of years ago on a mission trip invited me to this event called No make-up November. I read through and considerably weighed out whether I should participate or not and I ended on not. For the life of me I can't remember any real reasons why I didn't participate. Just the simple fact that I didn't want to walk around work, church, etc with people asking me if I was sick or something. Ha! Lets be honest, that's not a good enough reason.
If you want to understand more about No make-up November, go here and if you would like to know the amazing woman of God who started this whole thing, just go add her-Jayce Jane. She doesn't bite. I promise!
So here's where the vulnerability comes into play. I am so afraid of doing this. I'm sure I can go strong for a little while. I can ride on the high of embracing a new challenge but honestly I'm scared of what will happen when that high fades away and I'm left staring into the mirror dying to throw some mascara on my blonde eyelashes. First thing I did was dump out my make-up bag to see what I will be doing without for this month.
Honestly, all I wear out of these few items are the mascara and eye liner. Occasionally, if I'm breaking out, I use the concealer but still-I wear the mascara and eyeliner EVERY. DAY. So this is still a big deal for me.
After I saw what I would be missing out on I then cleaned my face. I mean if people will only be seeing my skin I could at least make sure it's clean right?
Yes, I know. Super attractive!
I guess I'm ready? I'm excited to stumble through this challenge and see how I can do and how I can better use the time of getting ready, to hear more from the Lord. Also, I feel when the Lord is at the center of a challenge and you expect to hear from Him on it, He will speak softly to your heart and reveal the beauty of your soul. Jayce put it best when she said "We are not making makeup an enemy—just taking it off its lofty pedestal. "
Join us!
I'm normally trying to fall asleep by now. Goodness, where has my youth gone? And it will be a lot worse when I have a baby...some day.
I wonder who even reads my blogs? If I never posted them to FB would they be seen at all?
I am sitting here, perusing different blogs and I'm totally jealous of all the comments and responses they get to their blogs. I have no idea how but someday I will be in this blog circuit.
All that is on my mind right now is the what if's.
Oh, those what if's. They can ruin a good nights rest quickly.
The relationship series is coming, folks. It's coming fast. November 2nd to be exact. Everyone is so pumped. It's so awesome to have this traditional series running through our Chi Alpha at Angelo State University each year. This will be my 4th year going through it and I have to say is -wow. God is FAITHFUL.
My first year was hard. Actually, it was painful. Yea, painful is the best way to describe it. I was a new baby Christian, still drinking milk and I was still tending to my wounds from a relationship in high school. Not just any high school relationship but one complete with cursing each other out on a daily basis, cheating on each other back and forth, building a future that was never meant to be, and even a miscarriage. It was plain awful and after investing my entire being in that relationship inevitably I was a mess when it ended. In November I did something really shameful that doesn't matter now but it kind of sent me over the edge I guess you could say. Over the edge and into the Lord's hands completely. And then....then the relationship series was preached by Lennon Noland (the godfather of ASU XA). It changed my heart completely and though I didn't live perfectly after that, my thoughts on dating were changed. Heck, my thoughts on God, guys, sex, marriage...everything was changed.
My second year was just awesome. I had been single for I believe about a year and a half around that time and I had a good life. No messing up for Bre! It was something to be proud of, trust me. I sat next to my best friend throughout that 4 week series. My best friend named Kaleb.
My third year I was....wait for it....ENGAGED! What?? To that best friend I sat next to my second year. We soaked it in together as a soon-to-be-married couple and it was amazing. We learned a lot and did our best to put it into practice.
My fourth year (this year) I am married and I'm ready to learn more. The relationship series isn't just for the single people or the people who are dating. It's for everyone in my opinion. The first year was when my heart completely changed about the dating game but the next years I learned more and more about who God has called me to be as a woman of God and even a wife.
My marriage didn't come from the relationship series. Nor did it come from Chi Alpha. It came from God but those are tools He used, among many other things, to help me use my time of singleness to grow more in Him and to prepare myself for Kaleb rather than searching for him. So, to say all of that is to say this: Get ready and be prepared. Embrace this season because it was made specifically for you. And please, please stop fasting dating. Fast long enough from it and you just might miss the guy that the Lord has for you. Sitting in that pew my first year I was mad, hurt, and pretty much done with guys. If someone would have told me that 3 years later I would be married I would have laughed, yelled at them, and then I probably would have ran. I didn't do much those next 2 years. I waited, I searched the Lord's heart, I allowed Him to search mine, and I gave Him my dating life. I didn't take it into my own hands and put a timeline on my King. It was never my place to tell Him what age I could be married by, what season in my life He could bring me the one, or even how long I wanted to be single before I began dating again. It was always His perfect timing I relied on and it was scary most days, to just allow Him to do a work on my heart but He was faithful. He's a constant faithfulness. And I can attest to that whole heartedly. He is a good, good God and He has a perfect timeline laid out in gold for your life and your future. Just wait and see.
It is better to spend years waiting for the right person than to spend eternity with the wrong one.
-Landon Henry
(And I used that quote in the vows for my wedding.)
Kaleb is 21 years old today. 21.
Kaleb James Hargrove.
Oh goodness, I'm so in love with him.
1) He still sits on the very edge of the couch when he plays video games, barely blinking.
2) He likes burgers and going to the movies.
3) He has the heart of a dad, completely in love with children and always kind.
4) He consumes ridiculous amounts of soda.
5) He knows every word to every Dave Matthews Band song.
6) He has an epic beard of manliness.
7) He is hopelessly addicted to our ipad and all of the games on it.
8) Seeing live music is by far his favorite thing to do.
9) His talent shines most when he is drumming in our music room.
10) Seafood is his all time favorite food. All time.
11) He hates it when he sees people sitting alone in restaurants.
12) He wants to learn how to sing.
13) He hates breakfast sausage.
14) He loves holding sweet babies. Absolutely loves it.
15) His latest TV show addiction is The Walking Dead.
16) His life group guys mean the world to him.
17) He is a hard worker at any thing he sets out to do.
18) He is full of so much wisdom even at 21.
19) He loves his family oh so much.
20) He won't drink coffee unless it's cold outside.
21) He is all mine <33
October always seems to bring back memories for me. I'm not sure why October specifically brings them back considering they're usually scattered memories but memories all the same. Yesterday as I was pulling out of the driveway, getting ready to head to Chi Alpha, I saw Kaleb's iPod sitting in the front seat. I got excited that he left it and immediately went to John Mayer on his playlist. The first song that came on was In Your Atmosphere. The live version from his Where The Light Is session. I breathed in the autumn air and pulled away from the house. Oh, this song. This song...actually this whole album has a lot of memories attached to it. Kaleb and I were freshly dating in October of last year and he was very obsessed with John Mayer. We were a good match. We've always been a good match. Even when we were just friends we couldn't stay away from each other. It always makes me kinda mad that it took a year for us to finally date but oh well! We're married now!!
Ah, married. Still, to this day, I always feel the need to tell people we were friends for a year before we dated because I hate the reaction I get when I tell people we only dated for about 4 months before we were engaged. And the reaction gets even worse when they find out we're in our early 20's. Right now, I'm back to struggling with the plan laid out for Kaleb and I. I'm so scared. We're walking into unchartered territory and I don't have my bullet proof vest on yet! My heart is still very much on my sleeve. I think it's taken complete residency there.
Last night, I knelt at the very back pew in Chi Alpha and wept to Jesus. I didn't even tell him what I was scared of. He already knows. I just wept. And waited. Waited for him to speak because I had finally ran out of words. A simple question was whispered to my heart. Can you trust me?
Ouch. That's not an easy answer. Yes...er, no. I DON'T KNOW! I breathed deep and through tears finally said yes. Sweet breeze in my air, I am free falling. I stepped off the ledge of safety that I like to plant my feet on and just....fell. Getting engaged fast was scary too but I completely trusted God. Knowing His timing was perfect and it so has been! I am not playing it safe. I am simply trusting God.
My hand won't be closed on this. It will stay open lest I start to believe this is mine. This was never mine. It has always been His.
There is a stirring in the Hargrove home this morning. As Malachi (one of the sweet toddlers I watch) is resting into her morning nap my heart is stirring. I can't explain the stirring other then I'm still basking in this past weekend. I don't want to explain everything here but the things I took away from this weekend:
1-I try too hard to please people. I have GOT to stop that. My King has an amazing plan already in motion. I need to sit back and enjoy the ride and stop seeking others approval for the decisions I make.
2-I am not quite healed. 2 specific things from my past I have faked healing over so much that I've tricked myself into believing I am completely whole. I am broken and that's ok. I know God is working on me and I am not required to be a finished product yet.
3-If that's my heart desire then chances are God himself has something to do with it.
4-I am loved. I am cherished by my husband. He seriously adores me and I have no idea why it took me this long to truly see that.
5-The Lord is PLEASED with me. He's not disappointed. He is proud!
6-I have an incredible support system. When I begin to think no body has my back (besides God and Kaleb) I need to look at both of my families and even my amazing church family. Seriously. Incredible support system!
7-I need to sing more with abandonment. Completely.
In one weekend Kaleb and I have covered a lot of ground regarding our next move in ministry. From the beginning of being together Kaleb has said he wants to get a pastoral degree and he wants to pastor a Chi Alpha. Those are 2 things we've always been sure of but there were so many questions arising and we couldn't tell which road would be the best one to take. It wasn't necessarily that God wanted us on a certain route. I believe the Lord wants us to pastor a Chi Alpha but the way we get there doesn't really matter to Him. No, that's not silly to think that. So many people think God has this road laid and He has each specific place named for us but where is free will in that? The Lord knows where we will end up school-wise because He knows the decisions we make before we even realize we have to make them but as for the decision process I've always believed that the school didn't matter as long as it's Christ honoring and it gets us where we ultimately are called to be-a Chi Alpha.
So Kaleb has flipped back and forth between Berean and CBC. Berean school of Bible and Central Bible College are both fantastic schools from what our mentors have told us and from what we have researched ourselves but eventually we had to choose. So we chose Berean and the best part is Kaleb won't be the only one doing it anymore. I will be taking classes as well. This was the part we finally decided on this weekend. Instead of just being his wife through ministry (being his supporter and encourager) I will be doing ministry right a long side him. We will both be going through the Chi Alpha internship together now instead of just Kaleb. This is a huge deal for us because one of the biggest obstacles we kept running into regarding our future in ministry is where I would be. College ministry has been my heart beat since I was put through leadership training the spring semester of 2011. I believe it will be hard, yes, but so worth it. Raising support together each month and getting to do ministry side by side has never felt more right in my heart. Now we're on this road and we're just pacing it feels like. We can't move until we finish some classes and decide where exactly we will do the internship at but we're pacing in peace now. It's funny a little. Peace is this week's challenge in my life group. The Lord has such a beautiful and silly way of showing up in the ways He does. I'm just thankful now.
We finally have some peace.
Ah, joy! Sweet joy! This fruit of the spirit doesn't seem too hard to work on. Almost effortless? Goodness, I can be so naive sometimes. Once again within the first 48 hours of this new challenge being spoken out and accepted I failed again. And again I just let it happen. I noticed the things that instantly took my joy away were so small. When I got a moment to sit down and soak in all of the pieces of my day that were still angering me at 5 pm I realized they were all small and they were honestly all out of my hands. I allowed other people to define my joy instead of proclaiming it through Christ. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says:
Be joyful always, pray at all times, be thankful in all circumstances. This is what God wants from you in your life in union with Christ Jesus.
This is my verse for the week. Simple and powerful all at the same time. My joy ran dry as soon as I woke up that morning all because I allowed it to. So I started thinking of ways to fix this problem. How can I make sure that these things which are, inevitably, out of my hands not effect me and steal my joy. Yes, turning my downcast face toward Christ, praying, reading scripture, etc but to be honest I can't do that right away. I watch 4 kids throughout the week. I can't just sit down and pick up my Bible nor can I hit my knees in the middle of the day and start praying. So I thought of a practical way that I can still claim my joy in Christ when my day gets hard. My solution? Find the small things. This is the list I came up with for today. All of the things today that made me joyous and they were all incredibly small. Normally I would pass them off as nothing but I realized when I focused on them my heart was glad.
-My pastor's message today
-Friends who come to me with their heart
-A sweet friend quick to offer help even when Kaleb and I didn't need it
-Flexible bosses who allow me to spend time with family and friends
-My husband always helping. Cooking, folding laundry, etc.
-Clean sheets on my bed
-Laundry caught up with for the week
-Compromises
-Hearing Kim Walker-Smith speak in tongues during her songs
-Hearing Kim Walker-Smith speak in tongues during her songs
-Good conversations
-Watching my girls grow closer
-Holding sweet babies
-New clothes
-Dear friends getting to go to Altitude
Haha what a silly list but all of these things brought great joy to my heart today. Actually, insane amounts of joy! I serve a good, good God and I know He gave me a life worth finding joy in. Even in the smallest of things.
Dear Bre,
(A letter from me to the girl I was in high school.)
This letter is hard to type. Sounds weird since it's me writing it to...well...me but it's not easy. I am faced with you everyday. You, the "BC" you. That's what I refer to you as anyway. BC stands for Before Christ, like how people refer to things that happened before Jesus was around.
Change is coming.
Well, around this time that I have in my mind you're 17. What a fun age! But for you this isn't very fun. You just found out the bad news. I remember both of those days so clearly. August came in a rush and suddenly you're not thinking about graduation anymore. In the snap of the day you're on the phone with your boyfriend, thinking about names and how you will tell your parents. And then November comes. The chill of that day seemed to add a dramatic twist or maybe everything just felt exceptionally cold that day. As quickly as you found out, it was gone. He or she...you never got to find out. You woke up and there it was, this searing pain in your lower stomach and a lot of blood and then it was just....gone. My heart still stings when I think about that day. Something changed inside your heart didn't it? Maybe it hasn't yet. Just wait. The change comes. Change isn't bad Breanna though up until this point any change in your life has always been just that. You had no idea, sweet and young, that God had so many beautiful plans for you. Beautiful only because he makes beautiful things out of us.
Your prince is coming.
Choices. At 17 you have to make a lot and pretty fast too. What college? What major? Where will you live? Graduation? And then what? Career? Ugh. You think you'll make the wrong decision but can I just tell you it's one of the best decisions you make. Angelo State University didn't seem like much at first but i just gotta say-it's the bee's knee's girlfriend! Would you like to know a secret? You meet your soulmate there. I don't want to tell you his name because then you'll run. You always do that, run. But I will tell you that He loves Jesus more than he loves you. This is a weird concept for you right now but just trust me-When you get to this place I'm at now you understand completely why that is so important. He is also very, very wise. Sometimes you peek in on his life group lessons (you become a life group leader as well. Yea, I know. It's stinkin weird but I'm tellin you girl...you CHANGE) and you see just how much wisdom he is full of. Enough bragging. There will be a string of bad nights during your freshman year that will lead to a specific moment in a bathroom at a party where you finally call it quits. You throw in the towel and in that moment there is so much peace that washes over you. A peace that goes beyond all understanding and that's how you know it's from the Lord. Following all of this you finally give your heart completely to the Lord in October of 2009 at the altar in a ministry that changes your life forever. Don't worry, your husband knows all of this. He knows your past and thankfully his is pretty similar so he's quick to look at who you are now instead of who you were then.
Healing is coming.
I wish I could tell you that after the miscarriage you find healing right away but it's actually not until after you get married that the healing really comes. (Your husband is very patient in this process, one of the many reasons you love him so much.) Healing from everything to be honest. From the party days, the drinking, the guys, and the baby. He's amazing. Jesus. The way He knows just the perfect time to wreck your heart with something sweet, something needed, and something loving. He gives you answers to all of your why's but only in His timing. Be patient, love. Oh, and I bet you're wondering about your family. Mom and dad are still the same. I think their love is fading most days but they're still hanging on and that's gotta count for something right? You and mom are close now which is probably weird to you but it's a new normal. Dad and you find healing in your relationship. It's a great process and he get's to walk you down the aisle. Charlotte is still crazy but she found Jesus too. She's a new kind of crazy. A beautiful kind of crazy. Yes, you're still closer than ever. She's the maid of honor at your wedding! No, she's not married yet. Still no boyfriend but man...this guy is going to be so wonderful for her. Good things really do come to those who wait. Cheer up, you'll have a brother-in-law soon enough and you'll have to constantly remind her of that on the nights she can't sleep because the tears won't let her. She's still hurting some days but for the most part there is healing going on inside of her as well. One last thing-You did scar them (all of those girls) and it's too late to make amends but the Lord helps to redeem you by placing a lot of wonderful women in your life. You actually have girl friends and just wait till you meet all of them! They love you like crazy and vice versa. You never say a mean thing to a girl again. Truly. Your trash talk turns into kind words. And your whole life does a complete turn around. All for the better. I promise.
Final though (i promise)-Your husband is a drummer! How hot is that?! You finally find someone who has a passion for music the way you do. Your house is filled with it everyday. And the best part? Just wait till you find out what he wants to do for the rest of his life. It's going to blow your mind.
Check this out!
Graceful by Emily P. Freeman
"To be a woman of God" was the name of the lesson last night. We talked about women we looked up to, who God is to us, and ways to walk towards goals. For instance, we went over the fruits of the spirit. For those of you who aren't familiar in Galatians 5:22-23 the fruits of the spirit are listed as love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I presented my life group with a challenge-Each week we will work on a fruit of the spirit. Each of us will find a verse that has to do with that certain fruit of the spirit and we will memorize it and put that fruit into practice for the week. Sounds easy? Wrong! Totally totally wrong. Be honest, this is not a simple task, it is literally a challenge. Our first fruit of the spirit for week 1 is love. That's seriously not easy. When someone is irritating you, being mean, talking down to you..your first instinct is not to love them. It's usually to get even, be mean back, or just not say anything at all.
To love. To love EVERYONE. That is definitely what the Lord has called us to do but that doesn't make it easy at all. My verse for this fruit of the spirit is John 13:34-35
" A new command I give you: Love one another. AS I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."
Through the next 8 weeks (because there are 8 fruits of the spirit) I will be blogging about how I am doing with them, how my life group is doing with them, and how it is effecting all of us. Are we finding them easy for that week? Hard? Are we presented with situations right away where the Lord is helping us to practice them? How is the verse we find helping out?
Today, I was already presented with an opportunity to love and not get mad and I totally and completely failed. I won't lie at all. I failed. I knew I needed to show love even though I was angry but I just couldn't, or at least that's what it felt like. I sat in my truck, looked down at the verse in my phone, and just said "I can't Lord" and preceded to let the anger wash over me. I made up for it later. I went back to that person and showed love but it was hard. My goal for the rest of this week's challenge is to show love FIRST. To not let the anger or emotions take over me but to let love come out of my mouth and actions first and foremost. This is going to be a hard week but I believe that knowing my girls are doing it with me is going to make it that much easier.
I was having a conversation last night with 2 of my girls. We were talking about a whirlwind of things but one subject that presented itself was how we know the Lord speaks to us. It's such a weird question now that I've slept on it and processed it for a while. It's so funny that the Lord had just spoken to me a couple of hours before that conversation and yet I failed to mention that. Why? Because He spoke to me through a song. Basically this is what happened-
Around 5:30 that evening (an hour and a half before my first life group of the year) I texted a dear friend of mine and told her my heart was shattered. It doesn't really matter why my heart was shattered at that moment, the point is I used that exact phrase-"My heart is just shattered." As I began to be more at peace thinking of how anxious I was for life group to start, I started getting ready. First, I put on my eye liner then as my straightener heated up I applied some mascara to my sad little eyelashes which were clumped together from tears that had been there not too long ago. While waiting to straighten out some waves in my hair I turned on Pandora. The station that was on was Kari Jobe. A new station I had just added the day before. In the middle of talking to Kaleb and going over another wave I heard the words "You're heart isn't shattered anymore. He is here." I stopped. You don't really hear those words in a lot of worship songs-hearts being shattered. It's usually you're heart is broken or more along the line of that at least but this song said shattered. My flesh, for just a moment, tried to brush it off but I quickly walked out of the bathroom and snuggled next to Kaleb on the bed and told him that the Lord had just spoke to me through that song. Then I went back in the bathroom and continued to get ready.
So here's the deal-why would I forget to mention that? It's because when I hear the word speak I automatically think of Jesus actually speaking to me (which He does) but I don't think of anything else. The truth is Christ speaks to us through the ways that we will listen. At the moment I was so caught up in getting ready that I wouldn't have listened if the Lord would have whispered to my heart, I am here. But that song caught my attention in that moment. One of the girls shared a heart wrenching story of how the Lord showed her a beautiful verse in Romans right after she had just found out some bad news for her senior year in basketball. See, the Lord speaks in so many different ways. Whatever will catch our attention in the moment, that's what He's going to use. For me, music always speaks. My heart is attached to worship music and praising my King. I love to sing my prayers sometimes and to even worship by myself in my bedroom. The Lord sees that, He sees me, and so He honors my own heart by speaking to me in ways that make sense for me.
I love that about Jesus. He speaks to each of us what makes sense for our own hearts.
Beautiful.
Life is so crazy right now. I keep telling people that but I'm definitely not being dramatic-it is seriously crazy. I try and avoid looking at my calendar on my phone because it's packed with weekend plans and XA activities. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe underneath all of God's goodness that He has poured out in my life. Getting to be a part of this team is overwhelming me more this year than it did last year. At the leadership retreat I went to this week I could feel the plans and activities suffocating me again. As we went over schedules, life group nights, and XA Monday nights I could feel myself gasping for a breath or two. Enough to get me through this year.
Why do I feel this way Lord? I am so excited to walk alongside You and do work with You, why do I feel overwhelmed? He didn't answer but simply showed me something at HEB camp that needed no words...at first.
Come to the well. Drink from the living water, be filled, do not run dry, love with a love that overflows like mine does. I didn't even have to hear Him say it. I just knew His many answers. Do not forget to run back to the well and continue to fill back up because you WILL run dry if you do not keep me first.
Come to the waters, you who thirst and you'll thirst no more.
Come to the father, you who work and you'll work no more.
And all you who labor in vain and to the broken and shamed:
Love is here.
Love is now.
Love is pouring from
His hands, from his brows.
Love is near, it satisfies.
Streams of mercy flowing from his side.
Cuz love is here.
Come to the treasure, you who search and you'll search no more.
Come to the lover you who want and you'll want no more, no.
And all you who labor in vain and to the broken and shamed,
And to the bruised and fallen,
Captives, bound, and broken hearted.
He is the lord
He is the lord,
By his stripes he's paid our ransom
From his wounds we drink salvation
He is the lord
He is the lord
This week has been absolutely CRAZY! I feel like I have had no time to just sit and take things in without having to move again. Now that I have finally found a moment my conclusion of all of this craziness is this-
Our leadership team is unstoppable. Not because of anything we do but because of everything that God does and who He is.
The attacks just keep coming. Left and right they come but the Lord is all around them. All around the attacks, He is there. He's not facing them to the left or the right. He is all there.
Kaleb and I just came from visiting one of our friends in the hospital. She has a kidney infection of some sort and she is one of the wonderful assets to the leadership team we serve on in XA. And just the other night as I was preparing for my 1 am prayer (XA had a 48 hour prayer thing going on where we each had a different time slot) and another friend was in the hospital. She had an infection in her intestine I believe. As I'm sure you have gathered she is also one of the life group leaders on our leadership team. And then today I had a mild asthma attack. Not so bad that I had to go to the hospital but bad enough that I had to leave in the middle of our church service. It's not that these things are the only issues running in our lives but it's these illnesses that have shown me just how strong our God is. He fights for us individually, yes, but He is also fighting for Chi Alpha at Angelo State University.
Our leaders are getting attacked physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally but they are present. They are fighting because God is fighting. He is on our side and that has become so apparent to me today. Satan is doing everything to stop our leaders and to me that says we're on the right track. He knows how much we're capable of through our Heavenly Father and he does not like it. Clearly, he can see the movement that's about to happen this fall semester and I for one am STOKED! This fall semester has been prayed for, sobbed over, and absolutely battled out by our leadership team.
We. Are. Ready.
In just 1 week we get to see the fruits of our labor filling up the pews and I just can't wait. Our leadership team isn't made of steel, we're made of God. By His strength, we find ours. And by His grace we have been rescued and now we are reaching. We are reaching.
Slowly moving, barely taking steps down the stairs to my soon to be husband in 2 hours-I feel like i can't breathe. I'm not scared. Why would marrying my best friend scare me?
I. am. anxious.
My heart is pounding in my chest as 2 photographers shoot picture after picture. Helping Kaleb and I to document this moment. This moment is called "the first look." We chose to see each other before the wedding for so many reasons but the biggest one was so that we could have a moment alone. A moment that was just ours. Not with our friends and family staring at us as Kaleb tries to tell me how beautiful I look and not with our pastor standing arms length away as I whisper over and over again to Kaleb how much I love him but a moment just for us. A moment that I didn't quite prepare for until I was already making my way down the stairs.
Kaleb's back was turned away. I folded my hands over his eyes, ignoring the flashes from the cameras. I just breathed, giggled, and let him turn around.
That was the happiest I had ever seen Kaleb. His eyes welled up with tears as he told me how perfect I looked and how amazing my dress looked on me. He had no idea that it wasn't securely tightened and that it was practically falling down. He just knew that standing in front of him he saw beauty. Before I went out there I kept telling my bridesmaids-"My hair is too big", "My dress is falling down", "I look to sweaty", "I don't feel beautiful." I told them that the whole time I was getting ready but all it took to change my mind was to see Kaleb's face. He was literally swept off his feet. And that's all my heart wanted...was to sweep him off his feet the way he always swept me off mine.
The rest of that night was absolute perfection. Though my dress made me mad at how much it kept falling down (as i'm sure you can unfortunately see in pictures) none of it mattered.
Nothing mattered.
My sweet Lord confirmed over and over again that night, This is the beginning of your forever.
I love all of the questions I get when I tell people I'm married or, when we were engaged, that I was getting married soon. The normal worries always slipped between everyone's lips, out into the air, hanging in front of me, waiting for an answer.
Aren't you kinda young?
No.
Are you ready?
As I'll ever be
What about school?
School is there whether I'm married or not. I can be a wife and still be in school.
Are you sure?
(I had to laugh at this one) Um, yes. I'm surer than sure. Haha!
And my favorite one is the one people don't ask but merely whisper about as if I can't hear-
Isn't this a little soon? (These people were referring to Kaleb's dad who passed away almost 16 months ago and these people are usually family members.)
My answer-Kaleb's heart will be in pain forever over his dad's death but God and myself are trying our best to help him heal. Since his dad passed away I have never seen Kaleb more happy than these last 3 weeks being married to me. Call it marital bliss or whatever you want but Kaleb began healing a lot more the day we got married. I understand the worry, trust me I do. But has it ever occurred to anyone that there is not always complete understanding behind God's unbelievably perfect timing? Kaleb's heart is one that I am still learning but that God knows full well already. We were brought together at a perfect time, under a perfect God, on a perfect day, with a perfect love. Maybe it's not your perfect but it is my version of perfect. I was there when that tragic day struck Kaleb's life, as his friend i was there. And now I will be there as his wife. For the rest of our forever, I will be there.
We did not get married to heal but in our marriage we will learn to heal each other while God (the ultimate healer) does His work. And His work is one that is not seen until time passes.
I am married to the most amazing man of God I have ever met. I am married to a man that loves God more than he loves me, who has a servant's heart the size of Texas, who is not afraid to be emotional with me, who loves our silly black lab even when he runs into fences, who kisses me in the morning even before I get rid of my morning breath, who runs to the kitchen when I am overwhelmed by the burner that never turns on for me, who works hard to provide, who never dismisses my tears even though I cry a lot, who asks permission to play video games because he doesn't want me to feel like he's not spending time with me, who lets me have my quiet times without barging in the room, who loves worship music the way I love it, who rubs my back when I'm having trouble falling asleep, who loves every inch of me even when I look in the mirror and complain, and who loves me dearly.
I am Mrs. Breanna Pebbles Hargrove and I wouldn't trade that for anything in this entire world.
