Babies

To know tired and weary

10:37 AM

I just got done rocking Elijah. We've been doing CIO at night now for a couple of weeks so we've just recently started CIO for naps. I really love rocking him. It's a sweet time for both mommy and son where I sing until his eyes are closed and then I usually hum for a bit longer and lay him down but this time I just rocked him in silence and decided it was a good time to pray. I didn't pray out loud but Elijah was surprisingly calm and quiet the whole time I talked to Jesus. Maybe he just knew. I told the Lord that I needed to break this habit and I needed to break it bad. I compare myself too much to other moms.

  "No other moms have this much issue with their kids sleep and they definitely don't feel as burdened as I do about it. Whats wrong with me? Am I just a whiney, annoying new mom?"

And then I felt this wave of sympathy rush over me like He understood and I don't know why that surprises me still. He understands every emotion I've ever felt and since He created my inmost being He gets me. He gets it. All of it. Every time I'm forced to hold Elijah while he naps, I usually cry. I don't want to be naive here-babies don't usually love sleep. But every nap, every day, 7 days a week I sit on the left hand corner of our couch with a pillow propping up my elbow and hold Elijah while he sleeps. And I cry and usually plead with God for a miracle but I never really pray. I feel selfish like I shouldn't pray for him to sleep in his crib. I feel silly and ridiculous so I don't pray about it a lot unless it's in the form of begging. But this time I did. As I was trying to get him calm enough to lay him down in his crib so we could start this CIO process for nap time I decided I needed to pray. And what came next just shows how sweet God is and how much He hurts with us when we're hurting.

He reminded me of Matthew 11:28 which says "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."


Every time I read this verse I automatically translate it to financial burdens, emotional pain, break up's, bad choices, addictions, etc. Those are the weary and burdened ones and they will find rest in His peace and presence but wait a minute. Could it be that it can also be for the simple plea of a mom who is literally weary and looking for rest? Yes. 

Being tired is the song of parenthood. If we could all march together we'd be holding coffee and waving white flags, surrendering to the simple fact that we will never sleep again but is it possible that God doesn't want that for us? He wants us to rest. He wants our babies to sleep wherever we want them to sleep (in our beds with us, in a crib, in a silk sack hanging from a ceiling by stripped bamboo) He really does want that for us. There are some amazing moments of clarity I (and I'm sure many other moms) have had at 3 am when their baby won't sleep and they are desperate and all is quiet in the house besides that baby and a still small voice breaks through it all to whisper something sweet and needed. But I do not believe for a second that this has to be the way it is all the time. I don't believe God wants me on the corner of my couch and my sanity bargaining with Him. I think He wants what just happened-to come to him weary and burdened so He can provide the rest. Maybe that rest comes in the form of a mama making her lunch and eating it too while her baby rest in the crib. Maybe it comes in the form of getting some much needed cleaning done while baby naps. Maybe it even comes in the form of the Bible being read by this mama while her baby rests. 

So, I'm walking, weary and burdened, to the foot of the cross. I'm asking for some rest, not just for myself, but also for my sweet baby who doesn't even know how sleep deprived he really is. And not even for more sleep but rest in the form of a baby who naps independently so this mama can regain some sanity. 

Maybe instead I'll crawl to the cross. Yea, today I think I'll crawl instead. I'm too tired to walk. 

Finances

The tough season rolls on

7:07 PM

I'm sitting by myself in my living room right now writing this post. Do you know how long it's been since I sat by myself? Elijah is asleep and Kaleb had to go back to work to refill some machine (Whatever SAMS club) and so here I sit with my thoughts and my blog. I can't really gather my thoughts in all honesty. They're just a jumble of words floating at the surface of the water kinda like my family. Kaleb is searching for a second job….again. I thought we were out of this season but we're not. We can't seem to get ahead. Kaleb's hours are so wonky lately. One week he'll work 4-5 days straight and the next he'll have 2 days scattered in a week. That's not enough. We haven't paid on our student loans in 6 months, we have every day bills/expenses, and now we have to get our emergency break fixed so that we can get our inspection passed and pay off the ticket we got for having it expired in the first place. Which brings us to the conclusion that he has to get a second job. Something part time, a 2-3 day a week kinda gig. So, if you're reading this and you know of somewhere that is hiring then please let us know. Anyway…Kaleb. *sigh* It's hard to watch your husband go through this. Quitting jobs only to get better ones then quitting those ones and looking for new ones to finally getting a great job where he's working his way up only to having to find a second job. I'm at a loss. We agreed from the beginning that I would stay home with Elijah. Daycare isn't an option for us so here I sit typing a blog while he's at work again. My heart aches for him but this is scripture being lived out the way God said it would be.


"...through painful toil you will eat food from it all the days of your life…"

He's a hardworking husband doing everything he can to provide in such a way that I can stay home with Elijah. It's truly admirable. I just love him.

But I want to feel like we're on stable ground again. I miss that feeling. But where would my faith be if it wasn't shaken from time to time? It would be easy and God did not call us to live an easy life. Taking up the cross is a daily thing and surrendering the things that are out of my control is almost an hourly thing. I'm clinging to something He said to me at a Wednesday night service a few months back-This is our testimony and through this we will be able to reach and help the way so many of our friends have reached out and helped us. So as it all piles on tonight and I really feel the weight from this tough season I remember that even now He is STILL good and that this, too, shall pass. 

One day the dawn will break over this season but for now He's growing us and rooting our faith. He's a good God. 

Elijah

Elijah:6 months!

9:40 AM

Half a year has come and gone. Half of an entire year! My guy is 6 whole months. Ok, sorry. I'm done. The shock is still overwhelming. Here we gooooooo-


  • He is 19 lbs even (75th percentile)
  • He is 26.5 inches long (45th percentile)
  • He has 4 teeth (all on the bottom)
  • He still doesn't crawl but he does roll around and push himself forward with his feet to get around. I call this inch worming across the floor. 
  • He can sit up independently for a few minutes before leaning over and falling
  • His personality is definitely developing
  • He laughs and gets excited when seeing Kaleb or myself
  • He is more cautious of strange faces
  • He has discovered his voice and loves to yell
  • He has discovered his feet finally (that's what happens when you're fat;]) and tries to chew his toes
  • He has started eating solid foods (fruits and vegetables)
  • His sleep is still pretty awful (more about that below)
  • He still nurses every 2 hours like the piglet he is
  • I have started putting him in the nursery at church on Sunday mornings


It's crazy to think Elijah ever had a feeding problem at the beginning. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. He's such a chunkster and I love it! Not just because it's so adorable but because I know he's healthy. He's not overweight in any way he just loves his mama's milk and I definitely love nursing him. I thought at as he got older it would just be so natural that I wouldn't think much about it in terms of bonding but I do. The bond just grows as he gets older and I continue to nurse him. I know this is weird for some of you to read (sorry) but it's a very big deal to me. Elijah and I have come far since those first few weeks after he was born. He has experienced a lot within this last month. A ton of firsts! Too many for this mama's liking. He had his first move, attended his first wedding, had his first Christmas and New Year, grew in not just one but FOUR teeth, and we started him on BLW. BLW (Baby Led Weaning) is mostly just taking out the puree's and jars of baby food and replacing it with a hands on experience. So far Elijah has had green beans, bananas, avocados, and peach flavored yogurt. Mostly during this experience he just plays with his food until we put it in his mesh feeder but it's the learning process that I love most about BLW. Watching him smash his food and then realize he can eat it from his hands is quite entertaining. 

Ok. Now on to the biggest thing. We have started sleep training Elijah within these last couple of weeks. This last month and a half Kaleb and I have not slept for more than 2 hours at a time. I have no idea what happened but my baby who would sleep at least a 5 hour stretch at the beginning turned into this kid who refused to sleep. He will not fall asleep unless one of us is holding him (usually me) and will then wake up almost instantly if we lay him down in his crib so we resorted to co sleeping for a few weeks but both of us got fed up pretty quickly with that. So we started teaching him to sleep in his crib. Some nights are easier than others but over all he is still waking every 2 hours and won't go back to sleep unless I nurse him. Well, if you're a parent you can definitely understand what a toll this has been taking on us. Especially me since I stay at home with him. Kaleb and I are pro CIO (the sleep method called Cry It Out) but have never done it because we were waiting to see what his pediatrician thought. Yesterday we got the go ahead from her. We talked about his weight and how he can definitely go at least 5 hours at night without nursing since he is on the high end of the scale for weight and we also discussed the plain and simple fact that Elijah has to learn how to go to sleep on his own instead of constantly being put to sleep by us. I cried in front of our pediatrician when she told us we could go ahead try CIO. That is how much of a toll this sleep situation has taken on me.  I realize that some of you reading this are completely against CIO and that's ok! That's the beauty of parenting. There are so many different opinions and thoughts on these things but if there's one thing I've learned over these last 6 months it's this-Do what works for you! Co sleeping wasn't working for us but CIO might so we're moving forward and tomorrow night we will put this method into effect and see how it works for our family. It might be a total bust or it might finally give us the sleep we've been lacking this last month and a half. Either way I ask you to please lift up my family in prayer as we try and discover how to help Elijah sleep better.

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