Dear Abigail; A daughter

7:48 AM

Dear Abigail,

When I was pregnant with your brother your dad and I wanted so badly for him to be a boy. We talked about what it would be like to have a girl and we both had separate reasons why we didn't want a little girl. I think your dad had the same fear a lot of fathers have with their girls-the leaving of your innocence one day. He was terrified at all of the ways he won't be able to protect you, he was not ready for boys to pursue you, and all that goes with heart breaks and being a young lady. I, on the other hand, didn't want you to become me. I knew what a challenge I was for my mom. I see now more than I did when it was happening that I hurt her a lot. I grew up wild and rebellious, living my life the way I wanted and not caring who I hurt in the process of making myself (temporarily) happy. But as the Lord does He has been preparing me for you for a little over a year now. When we moved from San Angelo to Fort Worth I didn't know among the many things He was doing that He was ridding me of the shame I had from my past. We would drive by my old high school or an old friends house that I had bad memories at and I would feel it all start rushing back; shame and guilt. Shame pulled at my feet constantly keeping me in one place with the Lord. I was stuck because I didn't just give. it. up. 

The process really began last October at a women's retreat I went to. We were exchanging our ashes for beauty and my ashes were the shame I was carrying from my past. I had no idea that leaving my shame at Miller Ranch that night wasn't just for my relationship with God or my marriage but it was also for me as a parent. It opened up a door for me to finally let the possibility of you in. A little girl of my own that I wouldn't wreck or ruin but instead would show her what falling in love with Jesus looked like. I'm not naive sweet girl, I know we will struggle a ton. As is the curse of a mother and daughter. We will fight about what you should wear, we will fight about your friends, we will fight about boys, and we will fight about the paths you should take in life. It's inevitable even with you growing up the way you will. But if I love you this much with you growing in my womb I can't imagine how much I'll love you when we finally meet face to face. Your dad and I are on cloud 9 about you! I think brother is just excited to have someone to play with eventually but he loves to say your name "Bebe Abby."You are loved little girl. 

At 19w2d (almost 20 weeks!)
-I am feeling and seeing tons of kicks
-Obviously we found out the gender
-I am right on track for weight gain (I gained WAY too much with Elijah)
-There is a small concern we have to double check in 2 weeks but we will cross that bridge if we come to it
-My feet have already started swelling if I'm out walking for too long
-I am officially wearing majority of my maternity clothes but a few still don't fit just yet
-My pregnancy induced insomnia kicks in between 3am and 5am most mornings
-I want all of the fall food! Honey Crisp apples and Pumpkin Spice everything please
-Overall, I feel great and haven't had any major issues

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