Last night I stepped off the ledge

7:44 AM

October always seems to bring back memories for me. I'm not sure why October specifically brings them back considering they're usually scattered memories but memories all the same. Yesterday as I was pulling out of the driveway, getting ready to head to Chi Alpha, I saw Kaleb's iPod sitting in the front seat. I got excited that he left it and immediately went to John Mayer on his playlist. The first song that came on was In Your Atmosphere. The live version from his Where The Light Is session. I breathed in the autumn air and pulled away from the house. Oh, this song. This song...actually this whole album has a lot of memories attached to it. Kaleb and I were freshly dating in October of last year and he was very obsessed with John Mayer. We were a good match. We've always been a good match. Even when we were just friends we couldn't stay away from each other. It always makes me kinda mad that it took a year for us to finally date but oh well! We're married now!!

Ah, married. Still, to this day, I always feel the need to tell people we were friends for a year before we dated because I hate the reaction I get when I tell people we only dated for about 4 months before we were engaged. And the reaction gets even worse when they find out we're in our early 20's. Right now, I'm back to struggling with the plan laid out for Kaleb and I. I'm so scared. We're walking into unchartered territory and I don't have my bullet proof vest on yet! My heart is still very much on my sleeve. I think it's taken complete residency there.

Last night, I knelt at the very back pew in Chi Alpha and wept to Jesus. I didn't even tell him what I was scared of. He already knows. I just wept. And waited. Waited for him to speak because I had finally ran out of words. A simple question was whispered to my heart. Can you trust me?

Ouch. That's not an easy answer., no. I DON'T KNOW! I breathed deep and through tears finally said yes. Sweet breeze in my air, I am free falling. I stepped off the ledge of safety that I like to plant my feet on and just....fell. Getting engaged fast was scary too but I completely trusted God. Knowing His timing was perfect and it so has been! I am not playing it safe. I am simply trusting God.

My hand won't be closed on this. It will stay open lest I start to believe this is mine. This was never mine. It has always been His.

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