I'm a mom. A new one. A wreck of a new one.
Is that ok to say? Not necessarily out loud but out loud via social media, is that ok to say?

I'm all over the place with tears and anxiety and complete fear of the unknown but this is where I go, like always, to write it out. To look back and look ahead all at the same time with my son, my first born, my sweet baby.

Right now, he's sitting next to me on the couch, propped up by his boppy, and covered in a sweet swaddle blanket. His eyes fluttered open when I turned on Bon Iver and started singing with it. He knows me. He knows my voice and my heartbeat and my breathing but me? I'm still learning who he is. I've grown in these last 9 days to understand more and more of who Elijah is.

Today, I gave him up to the Lord. An act I'm sure I will do over and over again but today at 9 days old, I gave him to Jesus. I relinquished control of the unknown and thanked Jesus for considering Kaleb and I as the perfect parents for him. I use the word perfect loosely as I know we are far from that but God some how considered us just that. His perfect match. No other mom can give Elijah what I can and no other dad can do for Elijah what Kaleb can.

Elijah Fisher Hargrove, you are perfect to me. I love watching your chest fall and rise as you breathe. I love the way your top lip curves way up and your bottom one sinks in so beautifully. You have a dimple on your chin that I could kiss over and over again. Your eyes, I die! They are so amazing and I get lost in them when you stare at me. Your hair reminds me of your daddy. You look just like him in my opinion and I wouldn't have it any other way. Staring at you makes me miss your dad when he's gone. 6-8 hours at a time really isn't a big deal but I do miss him. I miss him and love him more now that he's your dad and I love you even more for being his son. You complete our family. We were never whole until you came along.

I don't know how I ever lived before you. Did I stroll through life carelessly? Did I ever pray this much? Was my faith in God ever this strong or did you send me deeper into it? I'll never know because my life truly began when you came into this world. You are everything.