The Hargrove Home

I'm dreaming of my village today.

I don't have one yet but I can feel it coming. Count yourself lucky if you've already found yours. Even if yours is in the making, count yourself so blessed!

I'm dreaming of it today because today is hard. Kaleb will be away all day. 9am-3pm for some training and then 5pm-1am for work. Tomorrow will be the same and then Saturday we go back to normal but these next two days are going to be hard and I know that my village would be very good on days like these. After all, that's what the village is meant for. Women lending helping hands, praying as the transitions begin, offering wisdom and listening ears on new stages, sharing encouragement for all of it.

I am longing for that as Kaleb and I get closer to the new chapters. I long for a pastors wife to remind me that this season of Kaleb being in school is only for a short time and that I am actively helping by taking care of everything else while he works and does his school work. Because sometimes it doesn't feel like I'm making much of a difference while he's working so hard. I long for a more seasoned mama to tell me that it's ok that we're not trying for another baby just yet. I need her to tell me that though my womb is aching we're making smart moves by waiting a while longer. Not much longer but still a little while. And then I need that same mama to share her wisdom with me when it is time to grow our family. I long for women in ministry to remind me that this is my ministry too. That wherever we land (college, young adult, youth ministry) that I'm a part of it, too. And more importantly I need someone who has seen much redemption in their lives to remind me that God has given me victory over so much and that He will continue to complete His good work even when I fall short.

My village. My community of women.
Waiting for you.

****EDIT****

Today was even harder than I anticipated originally. Elijah spiked a 102 fever and was very lethargic. Kaleb had to come home after an hour of being at work and take us to Urgent Care. See. Village. I needed them today. Alas, it's forming up around me. Soon.

I've seen the sweet articles floating around Facebook these past few days. The one dedicated to the mom at Target and the mom at Chick Fil A. This blog is for neither, it's for you, mom at home.

I don't see you because you're locked safely behind your door, tucked inside the 4 walls of your home. I don't see you but I do know you. As I'm typing this I'm still in my PJ's, curled up on the chair in my sons room as he sits in the corner playing with random toys. You read the articles about Target and Chick Fil A mom and you understood what they were saying but personally you can't really relate. I know. You don't go out for many reasons. Sometimes it's because you don't have enough money to splurge at Target or Chick Fil A. Sometimes it's because you're so devoted to nap times that you live your life around them. Or maybe you share a car with your husband who works hard for you so there really isn't a way for you to get out and about. Maybe you simply don't like being the furious mom in the Target parking lot. Maybe home feels safer than risking the anxiety attacks that come from kids piled in a cart. An outing that was suppose to help you get out of the house quickly sends you rushing back home so that your children can throw their tantrums where no one else will see....or judge.

I don't see you because you're not out here mingling and truth be told I don't see you because I'm not out either. I know you because I am you. I don't think you're wrong for wanting to stay home. I get it. I really, really do. There is a certain amount of comfort that comes from the routine you've made for you and your children. I get that. Or maybe you're like me and you're still kinda new to the town you're living in. Your family is here, you've joined a wonderful church that you're serving in but you still haven't found many mom friends that don't have other things going on. Your kids are still little and maybe they have older children who have to be taken to school or MDO. I know that feeling.

I know the feeling you get when your husband kisses you on the forehead before leaving for work and you get a sudden sadness as you realize the next time you see him will be 12 hours from now. And the other sadness that breaks you when you realize he didn't get to see the kids all day. It's ok to feel like that. I think the thing that's even more sad than that is the fact that no one talks about it. The busy moms who read this on their phones in the car while they're waiting in the drive thru line for lunch...dont' feel sorry for us. We know staying isolated isn't good and we're working on it. We're working hard to break through the comfortability of the every day and just step outside of ourselves for a while. We really do want to meet you at Target just to walk around and chat or share some laughs over nuggets while the kids run in and out of tunnels in the play area. Give us time. Until then maybe you could take us up on our offer to share a cup of coffee on our couch instead of at Starbucks.

It may seem annoying at times, trust me, I'm even annoyed at it sometimes. But the reality is I don't know your story and you don't know mine. I want to know yours though. I want to know why you run millions of errands, never letting your kids get a good nap in. And I want you to know why my kid is 16 months old and still takes 2 naps a day plus is in bed at 8:30 each night. Share your story with me and I'll share mine with you. No judgement or ridicule. Just two moms who have an understanding that you do whatever works best for you and you family. Because I don't quite understand you but I really want to. So, come sit on my couch for a little while. We have stories to share, mama.

I've been a tad overwhelmed all day. I have that "Sunday evening" feeling that I use to get when I was in school. The dreaded feeling that Monday begins another week of school and classes and homework, etc. Except Monday brings much harder work than school, it brings the work week and for me that obviously means staying home with Elijah. Please, before you laugh at that remember to not judge. Every job has its hardships and staying at home whether you're a wife or a mama too can be tasking. Kaleb works all week so his next day off won't come until next Sunday. This reality brought on the "Sunday evening" feeling for me all day today. I know that I will wake up tomorrow and start another hard week of mothering, tantrums, cooking, cleaning, diaper changes, slapping (a recent discovery my toddler has made), yelling (yep, real life..don't pretend you don't do it too), and the works. The "Sunday evening" feeling can bring on loads of anxiety for me.

Look up!

I never had anxiety until Elijah was born and now it seems to get worse as he gets older and older. While I completely believe that God made such beautiful things like essential oils to help with this (I love my Peace and Calm and Joy oil). I also believe that anxiety is not something I should just sit and be ok with. When I think of the week ahead and the things I mentioned above I can see myself doing these tasks, walking up and down the stairs, stepping over baby gates...and doing it all while looking down. That's not the way.

Look up!

He's calling me and you to look up from the trenches and overcome this. Just simply look up. Remember the purpose, remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel, remember that this too has meaning.

Look up!

This too shall pass. The tantrums that leave you feeling like you're doing this mothering thing all wrong. The constant hours you log at a job that you find no meaning in. The ends you're trying to force to meet but seem to be completely running away from each other. All of it. It will all pass. And that's something I have to remind myself to do. Let the anxiety pass. Look up and just let it fall away. This does not have a stronghold over me or you, friend. Get ready for the week ahead with me, will you? The JOY of the week to come. Pray it out. Everything you're anxious for and over. Pray. It. Out.

I still have the picture on my phone of the word pregnant flashing across that stick. I sent it to Sarah the night I found out. I also called her 3 weeks later from the bathroom when I started bleeding, tears running wild as she prayed over my unborn babys life through the phone. I was deathly afraid as we rushed to the ER and they ran tests, poked me, prodded, filled my bladder with fluid so they could see if anything still existed. And he did. A heartbeat came across the screen and I was sure it was mine but the look of relief on the doctors face told me otherwise. An hour later it was confirmed: pregnant. I was sure I was going to lose that baby but God had other plans. He made me a mom that day. And I've realized how truly terrifying it is to be one but what a blessing it is at the same time. Some nights I lay awake wondering why it's been 4 hours and I haven't heard Elijah make a sound. I can still remember, vividly, sticking my finger under his nose as the swing helped him dream when he was only a couple of weeks old, checking to see if he was breathing. I hear about children passing away at young ages and wonder if my family will be a part of that statistic one day.

I did 3 loads of laundry last night: Elijah's clothes, darks, and lights. I'm always doing laundry. It's kind of ridiculous that 2 adults and 1 small child can dirty so many clothes but alas it is my daily job and it really doesn't bother me. As I was sitting on the couch this morning folding Elijah's clothes I kept thinking "didn't I just fold this same bear towel just the other day? And I know he literally just wore these shorts the other day how are they already washed and dried again? This is never ending." And it's not. The mundane life I lead with the everyday things won't have an end probably ever. How am I suppose to see Jesus in folding laundry? You see I've been trying really hard to see Jesus in everything. I long to walk in the Spirit more and I think a lot of that begins in seeing the Lord at work all around me. It's easy to see Him when I'm worshipping with thousands of other men and women at a conference or in a sentence my pastor speaks on a Sunday morning but it's harder to see Him in the mundane. When my life feels like it's on repeat and I'm doing the same thing over and over again, can I still see Him and figure out what He's trying to teach me?

I just got done rocking Elijah. We've been doing CIO at night now for a couple of weeks so we've just recently started CIO for naps. I really love rocking him. It's a sweet time for both mommy and son where I sing until his eyes are closed and then I usually hum for a bit longer and lay him down but this time I just rocked him in silence and decided it was a good time to pray. I didn't pray out loud but Elijah was surprisingly calm and quiet the whole time I talked to Jesus. Maybe he just knew. I told the Lord that I needed to break this habit and I needed to break it bad. I compare myself too much to other moms.

  "No other moms have this much issue with their kids sleep and they definitely don't feel as burdened as I do about it. Whats wrong with me? Am I just a whiney, annoying new mom?"

And then I felt this wave of sympathy rush over me like He understood and I don't know why that surprises me still. He understands every emotion I've ever felt and since He created my inmost being He gets me. He gets it. All of it. Every time I'm forced to hold Elijah while he naps, I usually cry. I don't want to be naive here-babies don't usually love sleep. But every nap, every day, 7 days a week I sit on the left hand corner of our couch with a pillow propping up my elbow and hold Elijah while he sleeps. And I cry and usually plead with God for a miracle but I never really pray. I feel selfish like I shouldn't pray for him to sleep in his crib. I feel silly and ridiculous so I don't pray about it a lot unless it's in the form of begging. But this time I did. As I was trying to get him calm enough to lay him down in his crib so we could start this CIO process for nap time I decided I needed to pray. And what came next just shows how sweet God is and how much He hurts with us when we're hurting.

He reminded me of Matthew 11:28 which says "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

There's a picture going around my news feed. Maybe you saw me share it on Instagram?

I never used that word so much until this last week. I haven't actually said it out loud but in my head this word reigns lately.

Inadequate

Last Thursday was a special night. A group of women from my church gathered at a friend's house and had a sweet get together with our OBGYN. Yes, we all have the same one. She comes highly recommended in our church. Of the 7 of us Dr. Coronado has delivered 5 of our babies, will hopefully deliver 1 on the way, and has been an amazing inspiration to our girl who is trying to get pregnant. All in all she's amazing and we all love her dearly. I mean really...who hangs out with their OBGYN? We do! Listening to the women around me speak brought that word to my mind.

"I am inadequate. I can't compare with these women. I can't do motherhood as beautifully as they do. I don't measure up."

I'm a mom. A new one. A wreck of a new one.
Is that ok to say? Not necessarily out loud but out loud via social media, is that ok to say?

I'm all over the place with tears and anxiety and complete fear of the unknown but this is where I go, like always, to write it out. To look back and look ahead all at the same time with my son, my first born, my sweet baby.

Right now, he's sitting next to me on the couch, propped up by his boppy, and covered in a sweet swaddle blanket. His eyes fluttered open when I turned on Bon Iver and started singing with it. He knows me. He knows my voice and my heartbeat and my breathing but me? I'm still learning who he is. I've grown in these last 9 days to understand more and more of who Elijah is.

Today, I gave him up to the Lord. An act I'm sure I will do over and over again but today at 9 days old, I gave him to Jesus. I relinquished control of the unknown and thanked Jesus for considering Kaleb and I as the perfect parents for him. I use the word perfect loosely as I know we are far from that but God some how considered us just that. His perfect match. No other mom can give Elijah what I can and no other dad can do for Elijah what Kaleb can.

Elijah Fisher Hargrove, you are perfect to me. I love watching your chest fall and rise as you breathe. I love the way your top lip curves way up and your bottom one sinks in so beautifully. You have a dimple on your chin that I could kiss over and over again. Your eyes, I die! They are so amazing and I get lost in them when you stare at me. Your hair reminds me of your daddy. You look just like him in my opinion and I wouldn't have it any other way. Staring at you makes me miss your dad when he's gone. 6-8 hours at a time really isn't a big deal but I do miss him. I miss him and love him more now that he's your dad and I love you even more for being his son. You complete our family. We were never whole until you came along.

Because I'm already starting to forget some of the details I figured now was a good time to hash out Elijah's birth story here. I say hash out because I still can't believe what actually happened in Labor and Delivery room number 3 that night/morning.

Thursday July 11, 2013 4:30pm
Kaleb and I went to our last appointment with Dr. Coronado (my OBGYN). It was our last because she was leaving the next day to go on vacation with her family. I had asked earlier that week to be induced so that she could deliver Elijah. I know how crazy selfish that sounds but I absolutely adore my doctor and to be with her for 9 months and not have her deliver him made me heartbroken. However, she had called me Wednesday and told me she could not induce me because my cervix was closed at the last appointment. Inducing a closed cervix can end in C section which is not what either of us wanted for Elijah or myself. I wanted a natural vaginal delivery and she wanted that for me as well. We left the matter at that. I hung up the phone satisfied that this must be in God's plan so I didn't question it. At our appointment the next day my blood pressure was really high and they found protein in my urine. These are both signs of Preeclampsia. With my due date being 2 days away she told me she didn't want to let me sit for a week with high blood pressure anyway because it could be dangerous for Elijah and I so it was time to be induced. How weird, I thought. I had wanted to be induced and now I was going to be but not at all the way I wanted it. I immediately began to cry as Coronado tried to explained that we were going downstairs to Labor and Delivery. She asked if she could pray over us (this is why I love her, folks). She prayed for no C section, a natural vaginal delivery (because that's what I wanted), and that we could all be together for this experience since her plane left for Florida the next morning.

-5:00 pm
I was given Cytotec to help soften my cervix which was still closed. 4 hours later I was checked to see if I made progress and I was still closed. Coronado came in and forced my cervix open which was still barely a 1 and then broke my water. I thought things would begin to progress on their own after that since that was what I had always heard from other mama's who got their water broken. Between 5pm and 9pm sweet friends came to pray over us and others flooded our phones with text messages saying they were praying as well. I can't tell you how many people were praying for us that night. God moves especially when 2 or more are gathered in His name. This became so much more evident during my labor.

-9:00pm
I was given more Cytotec to see if it would dilate me more and I was told that they would start me on Pitocin at 2 am. I was getting nauseous so I was given Phenergan to help ease it which also made me sleepy so I figured I could take the next 4 hours and pass out before everything got intense but I could only fall asleep between contractions which were probably a minute a part, maybe more. That's when things began to blur together.

July 12, 2013 2am
I was given pitocin and told they would increase it every 20 minutes. I was checked first and was at a 2. I lost all hope of making it without medicine at this point because I knew how bad contractions were going to get. Kaleb called Evelyn (our doula) and told her to come at 2 am because I was going to need her help to work through contractions. Well needless to say things got intense faster than what I was prepared for. I kept feeling so much pressure in my pelvis and every time I was checked the nurse kept telling me how low Elijah's head was. Coronado had even mentioned things going really fast once I did start to dilate because of how low his head was. This was encouraging and confusing all at the same time. I couldn't understand why my cervix wasn't opening if his head was as low as everyone kept saying. Contractions almost immediately began to get stronger. I tried bouncing on the birthing ball right before the Pitocin was given but with his head being so low it just caused more pain instead of eased it. I climbed back into bed just in time for everything to hurt. About 10 minutes after Pitocin started I threw up over the side of the bed. I remember opening my eyes long enough to see that it was green. I kept wondering why my throw up would be green. I closed my eyes as the nurse gave me more Phenergan to ease my stomach. It finally started working just as contractions grew. I had to stay on my side because of my high blood pressure. I didn't want to stay in the bed. My birth plan was to labor in the tub and to get up and move but I could barely open my eyes. That's what I remember the most about labor-my eyes staying closed majority of the time. I tried desperately to open them so I could see Kaleb's face. I always felt better when our eyes met. He pulled up a chair next to the bed and just watched me labor. He tried to touch me, offering me comfort through his strong hand but I couldn't handle it. Nothing made me feel better and everything made it worse. I wanted so badly to tell him how much I loved him for trying to help but I couldn't vocalize anything at this point. The only thing I could communicate was when I needed more ice chips and even then I could only touch my mouth and then point to the cup. He knew. And I loved him for that. I moaned and yelled through contractions. I tried hard to focus on my breathing like I researched so much about but the harder I tried the more it hurt. I remember hearing Evelyn tell me to do whatever my body wanted. That felt great to hear. All pressure was off to keep my cool and I gave in, I gave in hard. My body wanted to claw at everything with each contraction. I clawed at my own hands, my pillow, the bed railing, and even my hair. I didn't expect this at all.

-4:20am ish
I was checked again and had only made it to a 4. This was more than discouraging. Looking back after it all I know now when I was in transition and this was that point. I couldn't stop screaming with each contraction. I felt bad for the people in the Labor and Delivery wing. I tried to control myself and just go back to yelling but screaming was all that was coming out of my mouth. The coolest moment was hearing these lyrics as another awful contraction hit-"There will be an end to these trouble but until that day comes, still I will praise You." Out of all of the songs that passed through the Pandora playlist on my Jesus Culture station these were the only words I heard. I praised God in my heart and braced myself for another one. I heard Kaleb tell Evelyn that he didn't know how she could do this all the time-watch people go through this much pain. I wasn't sure what her response was but I thought the same thing for Kaleb. I didn't know how he had made it that far without completely breaking. If it were me I wouldn't be able to watch him writhe in pain the way I was. Suddenly, everything changed.

-4:45am ish
I was done. I was giving in and getting the epidural. The anesthesiologist had been woken up and made it up to the hospital right when I felt the pressure get worse. During the last contraction before I pushed I had screamed so hard that it felt like Elijah had moved even more down. It was a really weird feeling but that was when the pressure increased beyond what it had been the whole time. I told the nurse I couldn't sit still for the epidural. She was telling me I had to and I told her there was too much pressure. She checked me and said I was at a 10. I went from a 4 to a 10 in about 30 minutes. It was Jesus. I was on the verge of giving in and He moved quickly. I love that about the Lord. He knew my desire was to deliver my baby naturally. I had prayed over the last 9 months for it, others had prayed for me, and it was happening. The nurse who had been such a sweetheart and so silly the whole time turned serious and I knew it was time. She looked me in the eye and asked me if I wanted to push without the epidural. I didn't hesitate. As I said yes to pushing I flipped on my back and jammed one leg into the nurses side and the other leg was being held by Evelyn. I strained to hear Kaleb's voice, trying desperately to hear where he was. Right when I started pushing I heard Evelyn or the nurse (I can't remember which one) tell Kaleb to sit down or to go outside. I knew he must be having a hard time. I just wanted him to be the one holding my leg. I wanted to open my eyes and see him but couldn't. After about 20 minutes of pushing someone asked me if I wanted to touch my baby's head. I kept thinking that it was impossible for him to be that close to being out. I reached down and touched his head and couldn't believe how squishy it was. That gave me the boost I needed to finish the race. A couple of more pushes and he was on my stomach. This perfect, purple, crying bundle of love was finally in my arms. I touched his hand as nurses ran around getting things for him and Evelyn rubbed some of the vernex and other fun stuff off him. I couldn't cry. I just kept taking in breaths and saying "my baby, my baby." I think I was still in shock that it was all finally over and this sweet little guy who had grown in me for 9 months was finally in my arms. Kaleb cut the cord like a champ!

Elijah's birth was a mixture of what I wanted and didn't want but overall it was perfect and I'm so happy that I did it without medication. It makes everything else in my life feel different. Right now, breastfeeding seems to be much harder than I expected but I just keep reminding myself that if I didn't give up during his birth then I can't give up with feeding him the best way there is. New parent life is an adventure but I have the best man to share in this journey with. He wasn't very present for the actual delivery because of how sick he got watching me BUT he has been amazing when it comes to me breastfeeding Elijah. He helps me calm down when I get frustrated and encourages me by staying with me and talking to me when Elijah does feed. I have an amazing husband, a precious son, and a MIGHTY God.

This is not as fun to write as Elijah's actual birth story will be (ha) but if I don't write it out then it will just sit in yesterday and I will be frustrated.

Yep, 38 weeks today. Elijah's cradle is literally inches from my face and even in a semi dark room, I'm staring into it wishing he was there. If he comes within this week, fantastic! And if he waits till his due date that's still only 2 weeks away. Honestly, it's all too fast yet not fast enough.

I had to bring the laptop into Elijah's nursery to write this blog. It just seemed appropriate. Staring at the glider, and his diaper changing table, and all of the sweet decorations adorning these 4 walls is actually soothing (kind of) at this point. I really didn't expect to feel this way at all when it got to the end of this pregnancy. I had been doing so well. I was longing, of course, but it was a sweet longing as I got everything set up and ready. Then, going to my 36 and 37 week appointments and finding out my cervix is closed sent me into this ache. Literally, that's the only way I can describe it. This longing so bad that it's actually almost painful...? I thought i was being ridiculous until a friend told me this is the hardest part during pregnancy-the wait. Thank God!!! I'm not insane or depressed in any way. I'm just feeling the normal ache of wanting to hold my baby.

5. More. Weeks.
I can't believe it. It feels like I've been pregnant forever and like I will continue to be pregnant for the rest of my life. No exaggeration here, folks. I literally can't imagine what it will be like for Elijah to finally be in the cradle next to me instead of inside my belly (which feels ginormous lately, by the way.)

Kaleb got a second job! He starts working at Sam's Club some time....soon? He still has paperwork to fill out but he will be working there 2-3 times a week and the rest of the time he will be at his current job, Fairfield Inn. We are blessed! Actually, I'm blessed. I have a husband who is willing to bend over backwards to support his family so I can stay home and raise our sweet baby. All I can think of is-"What a man, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man."

Our baby shower was last Saturday and it was AMAZING! Just look at this picture-

First off I would just like to take a minute and announce that my BABY SHOWER is TOMORROW! I'm so excited! I can't wait to gather with all of my sweet friends and receive wonderful blessings of gifts for my sweet Elijah. Ok, Here we go.

Dear Elijah,

Tomorrow would be the day your mama walked across the stage at Angelo State University and received a piece of paper declaring the hard work and hours she put it in to get specific education in a specific subject. This piece of paper, called a degree, would allow mama to teach the subject or to work within it's field. But mama will not be getting that piece of paper, son. I went to ASU for 2 years and then realized my calling in ministry and my inability to afford school and life on my own. It would be a lie to say I'm completely content with my decision. Some days it's hard and other days i'm perfectly fine with not being in school. Daddy will get his pastoral degree through an online university but at least he'll have a degree of some sort. I feel intimidated sometimes but then I remember where my heart is happiest and that sweet boy is with children and sharing my life with women in ministry.

You don't have to go to college. Yes, I said it. You don't HAVE to. It's something your dad and I have already discussed. Never think less of yourself if you choose not to. Always, always look for Kingdom work, Eli. Your personal Kingdom's work could be in a classroom teaching students or in a social work office helping in CPS situations. Whatever it looks like for you, do it. If your Kingdom work doesn't require a degree that's ok. You are my Kingdom's work. On the days you will scream for hours and not sleep (because yes, I know that day will come) I will remember that staying home with you and not sending you off to a daycare from 7 am-5 pm means I'm raising you. Raising you, praying over you, loving you, teaching you, cuddling you, feeding you...these are all things that seem simple but when really looked into-it's Kingdom work. Yes, I wish I was walking across the stage with the rest of my peers tomorrow BUT I am not at all sad or regretting your timing in anyway. You are Kingdom work. So is being a wife and a life group leader. So is being a teacher, a pastor, a nurse, a fire fighter, a cleaning lady, a graphic designer, and even an entrepreneur. If your soul's purpose is to glorify God in your life than your job is Kingdom work.

Always look for the Kingdom's work before looking for success. The crown is yours but never forget whose feet you will lay it at.

Love you always,
Mama

With my due date 10 weeks away I am in MAJOR nesting mode and I have to resist it. I'm trying to wait until June to start getting things prepared for him because that's when I will be done watching all of the babies. It just makes sense in my head I guess to wait until I will officially have nothing to do for a whole month to start on my "Elijah list." I have compiled this list from other mama's suggestions and blogs I have read on preparing for the baby. Here's my list (feel free to suggest more stuff I could add)-

Dear Elijah,

Is it really 12 weeks until you're here? That doesn't sound right. It seems like last week I was holding the pregnancy test in my hand, feeling my stomach drop, and hugging your dad with joyful tears in both of our eyes. I mean really? Only 12 more weeks? Is it seriously the middle of April? My head can't wrap around these truths but my heart sure can. I am ready for Sunday morning snuggles before getting us both ready for church. And yes, I'm "ready" for the 2 am, 4 am, 6 am, etc. feedings. But honestly how do you prepare for something you've never experienced? Well son, I believe you prepare by prayer (and research of course) but when research doesn't give you the hard honesty you're looking for than prayer is the only way to prepare in my opinion. So many pre conceived thoughts have changed since the beginning of this pregnancy. Natural birth, doulas, a birthing tub (that I can't actually deliver you in), you sleeping in our room, homeschool (that's a long time from now and still up for discussion with your father)....these were all things I had never even considered until you became our reality. I am so excited though!

Everyone keeps asking me if I'm scared. I'm not scared (yet), I'm just nervous. Very nervous for your arrival. Nervous for what comes after. Nervous about your health. Nervous about the first time we'll be alone together while daddy is at work. The many thoughts that race through a new mother's mind as she tries and sleep. Oh! We were blessed with another bag of clothes for you last night. You're more loved than you know, son. It even surprises me at times. And just to warn you-You will probably be passed around a lot when you first get here. Don't freak out. You'll be returned safely to mama's arms after everyone gets to see how handsome you are. Sorry for no words of wisdom in this letter. Just the ramblings of an overly anxious and excited mama for her new babe. I love you more than words can describe little man.

Love,
Mama

And just for fun-

I have not had a spiritual moment alone to truly maul this over but if my vision is my passion then it has never changed. My passion in ministry and specifically in life group has always been the same but I think next year it will be tweaked a bit because my heart has grown in different areas. Oh, yea! Did I mention?! That decision that had to be made about leading a life group again next year has been decided. Kaleb and I talked about it (in which I found out he wanted me to lead again all along) last night and decided I can do both. I can be a stay at home mama and still lead a life group and still participate in leadership for XA and still serve God the way I have been called to serve Him.

I am stoked!

There was a deep sadness, an emptiness almost that would wash over me every time I would seriously consider not leading a life group next year but now that we have landed on this decision I am joyous! My heart is overflowing again. Now, granted it will be tough at first. Kaleb and I have talked about what next year will look like leading life group's on separate nights so the other one can stay with Elijah but it's completely doable. And I imagine some nights will be rough. When I've had 0 sleep and a fussy baby to deal with all day but why does that automatically equal a cancelled life group? It doesn't. If anything it's real. We're suppose to be sharing life with these men and women not pouring glitter on our own life to make sure our's sparkle so we can fix theirs. No, no.

Sharing life to me looks like (and this is my vision) women honestly seeking the Lord but sharing their failures and struggles along the way. I want to be able to sit down with my life group and ask them to pray over me just as much as they ask me to pray over them. I want us to walk as a close knit group. I want honesty to flow from our mouths with each other, not just mine. I want my girls to recognize a problem in our life group and voice it. When I first started in XA my heart beat was for the women who had guy problems and father issues. Maybe that sounds cliche but those were the 2 areas of life I knew the most about. I could sympathize and understand those issues. I wanted my girls to know their worth, their value in Christ before getting serious with someone. After 2 years I have now realized that's harder than I thought it would be. But out of it I figured out how to love them through it anyway.

You see, I have a bad habit of walking away from people even giving up on them when I don't know what else to do. I love them but from a distance. God is teaching me to stay. To not run when decisions are made that break my heart. To hold their hand and pray instead of letting go, thinking I'm doing what's best for them. This is what I want to change with the upcoming school year. When my girls have a problem I don't want them to miss 3 life group nights in a row. I want them to come and be transparent. To know that my living room is a safe place and these girls are secret keepers. I want to change the way I flee from the deep rooted matters of the heart and sit down and listen. Speak when I know they need it and to quiet my tongue when they need only for me to listen.

That, that is my vision. As off key and scattered as it may seem typed out. That's my vision for my life group.

What's yours?