The Hargrove Home

"But there's always rain."

When I lived in San Angelo I remember distinctly one year seeing signs everywhere that said, "Pray For Rain." It doesn't rain very often in San Angelo in general but this year was particularly bad. Everything was so dry. We went months upon months without it and people were even talking about moving because the water supply was so low. These people are also the young people who sat at Mr. T's, hung over on a Saturday morning, discussing their raving pool party plans for later that afternoon. So, I didn't take them too seriously but it was still a weird thing to hear people talk about. Moving because there was no water. It was crazy.

And then it would rain.

Not always the amount we wanted it to but always just enough. Instead of a down pour that lasted an entire day it would rain for an hour in the evening. Usually after someone decided to wash their car. And you'd find people updating their Facebook status' or taking pictures with super cool filters on Instagram because they wanted to remember that moment. They thought it would never come again so they needed to remember. Months would go by again and I would see the signs outside of the restaurants or tacked up on the Scherz Landscape sign because those guys really did need it to rain. Business was probably terrible during those long months of drought. "Pray For Rain" was everywhere I looked.

There are so many things that make it hard for me to sleep anymore. So many things I want and so many things I find myself saying, "God, we need this" into an empty living room while Kaleb is at work and Elijah is napping. Sometimes it's materialisitc like a house (because apartment life with a rowdy two year old is a cruel form of torture). Sometimes it's healing my heart for the ones that aren't with us anymore. Sometimes it's victory over fear (this fearless journey is getting so hard). It's even for things like broken relationships.

"God, we need this. God, I need this. God, I'm not moving from this spot until it rains, until You rain."

I woke up this morning and as clear as the sound of the rain outside I heard Him say,

"But there's always rain." 

There is always rain.

I don't know what healing you're looking for or what thing you feel you need but I do know that there is always rain. Sometimes it doesn't feel like quite enough, I know that. I feel like I'm the queen of discontent most days. I'm sure that's why God spoke that sentence so loudly to me this morning, because I'm so discontent right now. But I do know that one hour of His outpouring measures out my heart well. I know that in between the months of waiting for those things you're praying for, it feels like you're not going to make it. You will. When Satan feeds you the lie that God is never going to answer that prayer or that He is not coming to your rescue just remember

"But there's always rain."





"Oh I believe, I believe
I see the cloud and Oh the rain is coming
Oh the rain is coming

Oh revival, revival rain
Oh I see the clouds
It's coming, it's coming

I believe, I believe Jesus You're mighty to save
And I believe You pour out Your Spirit upon all, Please God
I believe, I believe, I believe You're pouring down
Oh it's gonna rain. It's gonna rain. I believe.

-Jesus Culture

So thankful that Emily P. Freeman decided to do another link-up that I actually read about it when it happened. I usually catch them a few days late and then forget about them. The last one I did was the letter to my 17 year old self. Wow. That one holds so much for me. So I'm catching this one before it disappears on me. A few things I learned in 2014.

I hate the lessons that are not easily learned.

I hate when I have to really search situation and soul before finally learning the lesson He is teaching me.

I preach "You're ready" all the time but then shrink back, scared and questioning, when it's my time. My turn to show someone the way.

I want so badly to reach out to women who have long ago stopped reaching out for me but maybe that's the lesson in itself. I have to start being ok with the silence that circles in my living room when I desperately ask "How do I help? What do I do?"  Because I know He's not being silent to hurt me. He's showing me, in time, how to do this. How to be the saving grace for someone else the way so many have been for me.

This has been such a long time coming. I know how to help with the young women who are in college. That territory seems familiar and safe. I know what to do, what to say, how to help but now I feel out of my league. These are marriages. These are families. Babies and Holy unions and family members passing and careers altered that I want to rush into and just snap my fingers and make all of the hard stuff go away for them.

But that silence that I'm sitting in. The one that I loathe instead of embrace. Maybe that's the lesson. Be silent and don't rush in. Be there and offer your ear instead of your mouth. Carry the burdens. Fight for them in prayer. Listen. Don't speak just yet.

And if you must speak then whisper scripture and soft pleas to the God who saw this coming before it ever came. Because He also sees when it will come to pass. When it will all be a distant memory, a testimony for them.

So, for now, until the testimonies come. Be silent.

Last night we went out to Chili's with some friends. They called it our good-bye dinner which is as sweet as it is depressing. They're moving to College Station in July so we're not exactly sure when we will see them again. We were in a booth so Elijah was seated at the end in a high chair. There never seems to be enough room on tables for littles because not long after getting our drinks he grabbed one of our friends water cups and spilled it all over himself. The minute the cold water and fresh ice cubes hit his lap he started crying. I immediately told Kaleb to hand him to me and I would go change his diaper and leave his wet shorts off. Yes, I let my kid rock a shirt and cloth diaper for the rest of the night in public. It had to be done! On my way to the bathroom he was shaking still. That makes sense to me. He was cold and wet, poor guy. But the minute I laid him down on the changing table to get him dry he started full on screaming. No one in that bathroom could do their business I'm sure. The diaper change that should have taken 2 minutes (even with tossing and turning) felt like it took an hour because of the angry crying my son was doing.

He wasn't so much sad as he was scared and angry at the changing process. He was mad he got wet in the first place. He was mad he was cold. He was scared to be on the tall changing table. He was scared of getting changed. After it was over and I picked him up he was calm. The tears dried up and the shaking ceased. He was still in my arms as I carried him back to the table. When I got back to the booth and resumed conversation with our friends we got asked these questions:

"Are you guys nervous about moving?"

No way! I'm so excited!

"Are you sad to be leaving people or are you just like oh-my-gosh-it's-coming-so-fast-I'm-not-ready-for-this?"

I'm not so much sad as I am scared and angry to be leaving these people and our church. I don't think anyone quite understands how mad I am that I can't just pick up SAF and bring the entire church body with us to Fort Worth. The changing process is one I'm kicking and screaming through when it comes to changing churches. I guess I've always known I can't live and die at SAF but I'm not ready to say good-bye to the church I've called home for so long and friends who have impacted me greatly.  Our last Sunday is in 2 days and as I'm typing that tears are welling up in my eyes. Kaleb might have to drag me out kicking and screaming after service ends.

But it's change and while I fight the initial process I know that God is carrying my family safely to the next one. In His arms all crying stops and shaking ceases as I trust him to carry us to the next chapter of the place we will get spiritually fed. I can't say that I'm not scared, I'm terrified! But He's a good God and He knows the plans He has for us even when we stand there, shaking and unsure. 5 years ago He was faithful to provide me, even as a new Christian, with a church that helped me grow and He is faithful to do it again.

He is faithful to do it again.

It's Friday but Sunday is coming.
It's dark but soon there will be light.
It's confusing but peace is coming.
It's winter but spring is coming.
It's hard now but soon this will come to pass.
It's quiet but rejoicing will begin soon. 
There is brokenness but restoration is coming. 

He's on the cross but He will rise!

I haven't been reflecting on Holy Week as much as I should at all. I have been stressing with Kaleb over the countless phone calls and emails he has been making/sending just trying to get one of these supervisor positions that I haven't really given any thought to this day. But alas it is here and I'm here trying to figure out how to explain Good Friday to a 9 month old who can't really understand very much when in reality he can understand more than I give him credit for. He senses tones and cries when I tell him no and smiles when I laugh with him. Then this came in the mail for him today from his great grandparents

But He will rise! 

There are so many things I want to do in life. I want to travel to India and adopt a little girl. I want to sip coffee outside a sweet cafe in France. I want to get so caught up playing outside with my family that even the rain doesn't make us go inside. I want to sing on stage again and really let my voice soar to Heaven. I want to learn how to play the guitar and the piano. I want to read the entire Bible but not set a time limit to it. I want to re live my honeymoon with Kaleb. I want to tell college students about Jesus right in the middle of a secular campus. I want to meet a single mom and clean her house just so she can see the love of Christ. But above most everything I want a life long friend. Don't misunderstand me here-I have lots of close friends. TONS! Some of the most amazing women I've ever met. But I don't have that one friend who needs me as much as I need her. Maybe this sounds…ridiculous? But I think as women, if we're dead honest, we know how this feels. If you have that friend you know how important her friendship is and if you don't you long for it.

So many things, so little time….right?

Not for this.

I struggle with friendships. I really do. They're tough and messy. They're encouraging and painful. They're needed yet widely unwanted most days. My absolute favorite thing is to sit in my living room with a cup of coffee (or hot tea) and chat with a friend for hours. I love the feeling of catching up with a friend you haven't seen in a while. You have months worth of things to tell them and you're both stumbling over your words to make sure you tell them everything before your limited time is up. Even better, I love catching up with someone you just saw a week or two ago. The catching up doesn't take very long and then you get to move on to true fellowship. Discussing Jesus' goodness, what verse has been stuck in your heart lately, the sweet thing your husband did yesterday, the crazy thing your kids did after dinner, etc.

Needed. Messy. Encouraging.
All of the above.

Being a stay at home mom has really shown me a lot about friendships. Weird, but not surprising. When I don't have the access to a campus or a classroom how do I find the friendships I long for? It was so easy when I was a childless, unmarried, student. I could walk into the library and meet 4 new people before I ever had a chance to sit down and study. It was so easy that I took it for granted. Now that I'm busy, married, and have a baby I see how hard it is to be intentional. I don't want to bother the other busy moms but I feel like I will bore my single or even newly wed friends. There's this reoccurring dream I keep having. It looks a lot like this-

Single women, married women, new moms, moms with lots of kids, and even empty nesters…all gathered in someones back yard…drinking sweet tea and laughing while children play near by…vulnerability is laid out on the table and someone cries….which leads us all to tears as she shares her heart….someone stands up and moves to her…laying hands on her, we all get up and mirror her move…we're laying hands and praying…we're crying and laughing….community.

This kind of reminds me of what life groups look like except with all ages and lots of kids. That life long friend I want so badly doesn't mean I'll find them now. I keep thinking I'm running out of time but not all of us are as lucky as my sister, Charlotte, who found her best friend when she was in 7th grade and now almost 15 years later they're still going strong. I hope that in this time I can learn what it means to be a true friend. I want to be humbling and remember that friendships have seasons. I want to fight past the stinging cold and hold on until the end.

I guess I want all of things.

Elijah's sick. His first time being sick ever. This is some sort of milestone, right? Maybe that's not the right word. A right of passage for me as the mama? Sure, it feels like it at least. I've never actually felt so helpless since he's been born. I'm putting saline drops in his nose, propping his head up when he sleeps, nursing him "up hill", etc but there's really nothing I can do to actually fix this. It's a common cold that must run its course. Last night was pretty awful. He woke up as much as normal but could hardly nurse so he wasn't able to go back to sleep as fast. Somewhere around 4 am when Elijah literally refused to nurse (shook his head every time I offered) I laid him back down on the pillow and Kaleb and I listened to him cry. There was nothing else we could do. He didn't want us to touch him, he didn't want to nurse, he didn't want his soothie. He just cried.

There it was. The picture clearly set before me in the form of my son and his cold. Funny how God speaks to mama's in the wee hours of the morning. This seemed familiar to me though the resemblance would have been hard for anyone else to see.

This looks like the moment I gave up.

Curled on the bathroom floor in my dorm, crying, sick, letting the night spill out and roll down the curves of my face. I didn't want it. Any of it. The life I was living, the way I felt night after night when all of the bad decisions were made and all I could do was hope that I had finally learned my lesson but knowing deep down that I hadn't. I felt the comfort and the peace trying to rush upon me but I shook my head in an act of refusal to feel better. He offered and I rejected time and time again. Sure, yea, God could have snapped His fingers and made my heart change before I could even pick myself up off the floor but how would I have learned? I had to want the change. I had to embrace him and decide to live differently. And I did not long after that night but how I got there is what makes it a testimony of how good my King actually is.

Sometimes I lose my patience with others especially when I'm the one discipling them or trying to at least (now I know how all the women felt who were trying to disciple me in my early years). I forget just how long it took me to reach back and finally allow God to fill me up. I forget the different moments that had to happen for me to finally see that it wasn't worth it. I think He also gently reminded me of this because it's so easy for me to forget how far I've actually come and how much work He is still doing. Even tonight I noticed it. When we were walking around Target I went straight to the swimsuit section and started looking at some very tasteful and cute one piece suits. I've never done that before. Modesty is a new territory for me in which I hadn't embraced until after Elijah was born. It wasn't something I strived toward when I first started my walk and I see that more and more as my life shifts and changes; He teaches me new things every day. In the moments that I'm still enough to listen, He speaks. In the moments of true surrender, He molds. They aren't as close together as I should allow them to be but they happen. And so I remember to walk this out, these thoughts and desires. I remember to walk and not run sometimes because

You can't rush greatness. 

2013 is coming to a close and it is bittersweet. This year has been good to my family and tough at the same time. Obviously, our biggest blessing we received this year was when our newest addition entered the world on July 12th. I think it's safe to say Kaleb and I have known dark days (my first few weeks of postpartum were a little scary) and some blindingly bright ones. Overall, it has been a stressful year with moves, job transitions, and financial problems but God has asked us to cling to Him and cling we have. There were many times rent shouldn't have been paid and groceries shouldn't have been in our fridge but He always provided. Somehow, some way we were never left empty handed.

Can I be honest? That's always a scary question but I think you will all be more than understanding. This year I barely sought out God's face. I read…every now and then. I prayed…every now and then. But like I've said before I felt as if I was crawling from week to week. Barely getting by with the minimal effort I was giving to my spiritual life. I would let Monday night and Sunday morning services fill me up just enough to get me to life group on Wednesday night so I could pour out over my girls. I would have nothing left to give my husband or, let alone, myself. It's scary to think I was ever a leader in Chi Alpha because this is how I made it through the year. People would pour into me and I would pour out to my life group and that was it. There was no real substance, no meat to chew, nothing nourishing. Just milk. Hm..Milk. Like what my baby drinks. My milk will only sustain Elijah for so long before he will NEED solid food. Oh, the comparison God can bring to light through a child. Kid's preach, folks. They really do. I'm sure you can make the connection. Once Elijah was born I could no longer sit in a service on Sunday mornings or Monday nights to help me make it through the week. That was when God really started showing me that something needed to change. I texted this to Kaleb the other day-"I feel like my soul is dying. I know that sounds dramatic but I feel like I can't breathe in this life. I need more. More God." And I do. I NEED more.

So, in 2014 I am not making any resolutions, I am making changes. Slowly but surely. Kaleb and I had a sweet conversation last night where we picked out routines, plans, times, etc for our quiet times (though with a baby they're not very quiet ;]). That's my change. That's what I'm going into 2014 with. I'm not going to throw my hands up and pretend I'll find time. I want to make time and intentionally go there to meet Him. I'm not making a resolution to be a better wife, a better mom, or a better friend. I'm making a change to be a better bride to my Jesus because then everything will fall into place. I've seen firsthand how sweet my life is when I'm earnestly seeking God's face, not just every now and then. Kaleb and I are stepping back from things and embracing others. Making time to grow together in our marriage and in our parental roles rather than pouring into others until we're dry. There's a season for everything under heaven and this is our season to soak it all in. If you're reading this-pray for us! Pray for our 2014 and we'll pray for yours.

Side note: I do want to write more, take more pictures and videos, and spend more time with my family outside of our home as well as spend time with our friends in 2014. Let's do this!

GO

Together
Because I am never truly alone

Together with You, My King is where my heart finds truth
You deal with me in ways only I can understand.

I say deal because I am stubborn but when You speak I am instantly brought to my knees in an attempt to understand what it means to really demonstrate sacrificial love. I'm trying to show it to my sweet baby. But I will never learn this on my own.

Together.

Together You take my husbands hand and mine and help us lead this life you've entrusted us with. Together we are three. You lead, we trail a bit behind, and then behind us is Elijah. We gave him a strong name for a reason. Savior, together is the only way we can do this.

Together my husband and I will fight to know You more, to hear Your voice, to understand Your word in hopes that we can show Elijah Your grace.

Because one day he will not walk with us, he will walk with You. And You and him will be together.

Today I attend life group for the first time in two years instead of leading one.

Bittersweet.

I am so excited though because my BEST FRIEND is leading the life group I will be attending. For the last 2 years she was in my life group, loving Jesus, loving my girls, and she was always longing. Longing to share and learn. I remember a specific moment on my couch at 3 am when she opened up her life to me. She let me in to a part of her heart that not many people got to see. She was embarrassed and scared of sharing her secrets with me but little did she know at that time thats exactly what a life group leader longs for. Those early morning/late night conversations where one of their girls/guys opens up a part of their heart to you, showing you how much they trust you. Whitney, my best friend, gets to learn that this year. She will get many moments like the one she shared with me. I'm excited to watch her grow her life group girls like she watched me do for the last 2 years.

I'm passing the Paton when I thought I would be running the race next to her. I had planned during my whole pregnancy to still be leading a life group but as any mama knows nothing goes according to plan. I've had to adjust many plans and then go with the flow. It's...tough. BUT I'm still discipling a few of my sweet girls as well as my precious baby boy. My life is good, folks. So good! It's hectic and crazy but it's wonderful. The one thing that will make it that much better is being in Whitney's life group, sharing life with her girls. I can't wait for tonight! I've got a bottle pumped and ready to go so Kaleb can be with Elijah while I have some much needed girl time.

I've covered tonight in prayer, believing God for good things to come and for her girls to all be specifically placed in her life group. Now, I get to watch her go!

Ready...set...

Leadership.

More importantly-Chi Alpha

MORE importantly-Jesus!

I love this team, I love this ministry, and I love my Jesus!

Fall semester starts next week. Dorm move in's are Friday and then the following Monday classes start. But even better than that-Chi Alpha kicks off! As our pastor Heath said-"The first 2 weeks back are crucial. It's harvest time." Truer words could not have been spoken. I always get so excited at the beginning of the school year and I'm not even in school anymore. I love watching everyone set up their dorm's as we help them move in. I love the fajita dinner where we meet all of the freshmen. I love the organizational fairs where we tell all of the students about XA. I love the huge game of Capture the Flag that we play the first week back. I just love this time. Sadly, I will only be able to do half as much as I usually do because I have to take care of Elijah. No biggie. He's my favorite person to spend time with!

This last week we were at leadership retreat. Goodness, I needed it SO. BAD. I had only a few minutes of actual alone time but even in those few minutes God spoke. I love how He does that for mom's. Leadership is going to be hard this year with Elijah. I realized that even more at retreat but my sweet friend said it best when she told me it's important to bring your baby into your ministry. You're allowing people to see what a Christian family looks like. I love that! There was an amazing moment the first night. Our old pastor, Landon, came and spoke. At the end of his lesson he had a Holy Spirit moment where he invited people to renew their love language with the Lord and just to pray/get prayed over. As beautiful tongues were lifted to heaven by my fellow leaders Elijah and I peaked through the door to watch. Elijah stared. He stared and listened to this language he didn't know being spoken by people he's getting to know. It was beautiful and of course I cried. Part of the tears were because I wanted desperately to be out there. I wanted someone to pray over me. I need prayer. But part of the tears were from watching Elijah's face. I can see him serving in a Chi Alpha at a university. I can see him being discipled and learning to disciple others.

I love this. I love this. I love this.

I love bringing him to our ministry but most importantly I love ministering to him. He has a strong calling on his life. I can just feel it and I hope that Kaleb and I can help cultivate that calling in any way God allows.

Being a mom is amazing.

The blur of the weekend fell into my open hand this morning at church in the form of a cracker and a tiny cup full of juice. Am I an awful sinner if I say that sometimes communion doesn't mean me for me what it should. Sometimes I get stuck on the constant that is this act we do in my church and I forget to really breathe it in and remember what it's for. This morning my pastor spoke of what the church is. The church is an organism not an organization, it is a community not a company, it is a body not a building, etc. At the end of his message he told a sweet story of a little boy with one arm who came into the Sunday school one morning and the teacher rushed through her hello's because she was so worried her class would want to talk about his arm missing. As the class day came to a close she continued with her ritual, forgetting about the boy having only one arm, and her ritual is a little poem you recite about the church using both of your hands to make the church, steeple, and the people. The boy couldn't do it with one hand so a little girl leaned her hand over and said "we can do the church together."

My heart sank. Like it usually does with stories like this especially when they involve children. So, the blur of the weekend fell right into my open hand. Yesterday, after the baby shower Kaleb and I went to a friend's babies birthday party. She is 1! When we arrived at her house I peered through the window and saw a picture being taken outside of 4 generations. The great grandma, the grandma, the mom, and the daughter whose birthday we were celebrating. I instantly remembered that my son won't have the privilege of taking this picture. His grandpa isn't here, Kaleb's dad will not be here for birthday parties and pictures. And I instantly clicked to "it's not fair." Something I resort to quite often when thinking about Kaleb's dad not being with us anymore. "It's not fair."

And then this cup and cracker were in my hand and I looked up at the men serving it to us. The deacons, elders, board members...whatever name you choose for them. I looked to my left and saw the husband of a woman who attended my baby shower yesterday and gave me a gift card for Elijah when I have only known her for a short period of time but every time I walk in the church doors her and her husband shower me and my husband with an abundance of love. I looked to my right and saw the man who a couple of years before had prayed over me with his wife that I make the right decision when deciding to transfer to CFNi or stay at ASU. I looked on the stage at the man who was leading worship and remembered the time Kaleb fell to his knees near his office a week after his dad had passed away and that man literally picked him up off the floor, sat him in his office, and cried as he prayed over Kaleb. And I started looking around at all of my church family and I looked at my cracker and cup of juice and I wept. Jesus, this church, these people have all done so much for me even if it wasn't directly for me. Jesus, He bore stripes for my healing to come at the altar of that church on a Monday night in October of 2009 leading to the last 4 years of being a part of SAF. This church is not like any other church I've ever been to. These people are not like people I have ever met.

And of course to put a cherry on top of this whole experience the lady who was getting baptized sang "My Chains are Gone" right before she was dunked under water as her old self and brought back up for air to begin her new life as a saved woman.

This is community.

Kaleb and I are learning how to live off just his paycheck since next week is my last week watching the babies and one of my last paychecks come's next week as well. So, it's difficult. I don't like to discuss our finances with people. Any of it. How much we make, how much our bills are, etc. But I will say that we have been living just fine. Never hurting for anything or struggling. We moved to the apartment to help downsize our bills and life has been good especially with so many people giving us stuff for Elijah. Life has just been...good.

She ruined me.

Absolutely ruined my heart and everything I've come to "know" and let my life be like this year. She ruined my heart for this slump, for this season of dying.

Saturday night driving to Cafe Brazil with my husband and our favorite friends I leaned back against the seat taking in Amy Hauck's words.

Culture of honor

Breathing it in and knowing I don't do this enough. I don't honor my leadership family, my husband, my friends, my life group...not the way I should. Not as often as I should. I said out loud in the car this statement-"I feel like I'm crawling from Wednesday night to Wednesday night." And I do. I feel like I'm allowing church and Chi Alpha services to fill me enough just to make it to Wednesday night for my life group. Instead of letting myself fill to the brim and spill over with God's word and His love, I fill up and pour out. Fill up and pour out over my girls not leaving enough left over for everyone else, myself included. Which leads to this dishonoring that can come shooting from my tongue and to be honest, from my eyes as well. Words spoken to my husband about our friends that only he will ever know and it's gross. Yes, gross is the word I'm choosing. I feel the sour taste on my tongue after I've said these things. I can feel the sickness rise from my belly into my throat as if I'll choke on the words but I never do.

Our pastor apologized for this very thing but I wonder if he knows that he's not the only one. Our entire leadership family is guilty of this. I'm sure everyone in our ministry is guilty of this but I can't be justified. This isn't a justifiable act. I think it's a huge reason so many of us have watched people leave Chi Alpha and our life group's this past year. Why would they stay when they feel unsafe? Amy Hauck said this weekend that we have to make baby Christians feel safe. I don't think my words have made many people safe. And for anyone who reads this-I'm so very sorry. If you're a leader, you are my family and I promise to treat you more like that and to honor you and to have your back. I really am with you heart and soul. To members of Chi Alpha, I hope I have never said anything to hurt or offend you. If I have I need your forgiveness. If you're staff/staff wife, I look up to you more than I let on. When you correct me I am thankful. I am so sorry for ever speaking negatively about you. I love you. I love you more than words can describe. Thank you for pouring out all you have over this ministry, over this team, and over my husband and I.

"It's a new season. It's a new season. The old has passed away. The old has passed away. Cause He makes us come alive. He makes us come alive."

I cannot lie. I was a bit sour today. As I watched my news feed fill with Easter basket pictures last night I went to bed thinking today would be hard and it was. In no way do I want to sound selfish or like I don't know the true meaning of Easter but seeing sweet little babies running around, desperately trying to fill their baskets with the most eggs made me so sad. I made Kaleb take me home the minute the Easter egg hunt started. I was a little down you could say. Trust me, I know Elijah is still cooking and he has a lot more developing to do which he can only do inside of my womb but I still can't seem to shake this ache. This constant longing for him to be in my arms instead of my tummy.

Something I keep telling Kaleb is that I don't understand why it takes 9 months. Why is pregnancy 9 months long? Why couldn't it be 6 months or even shorter? And then, like always, God shows up to answer my questions.

After Kaleb left for work I decided to call my parents and see how their Easter went. I talked to my dad for a while and lately any time we talk he makes it a point to tell me how many days he's been drug free since this is a new development (I know I said I would explain what has been going on in my family and I still might but right now I'm not ready to type that blog). He is now on day 70 of his outpatient rehab after being addicted to prescription drugs for 12 years. There it was. That nagging why again. Why did it take my dad 12 years to finally get help? Why has he survived this when so many others have died so young because of their addictions? And while I'm on it...why did it take you 3 days to rise, Jesus?

Why? Why? Why?
Why?

And then He immediately turns my heart to Ecc. 3. "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens..." And what He keeps bringing me back to this Easter is that He did what He said He would-He rose. He said He would and He did. He does what He says, friends. Those promises you're waiting on to be fulfilled, they will but I can't give you reason behind the timing.

And that's all the answer I need. I can look back over the past (almost) 5 years of being saved and recall where God's perfect timing has played out beautifully in my walk but I didn't notice it until the aftermath. When Elijah is in my arms I'll see God's timing unfolding once again. I don't have to understand why, I just have to trust Him. And trust Him I will.
Always.  

Well, it's no surprise that it's Spring Break and that Spring Break is known for it's crazy parties, random hook-up's, and drinking binges. But do you know what Spring Break looks like from a mission goers view? It's not pretty, folks. It's sad and heart wrenching and sinful and heart breaking and just...not what a mama wants to think about when having her first baby soon.

"Bre, why are you up at 7 am talking about this? Go back to sleep (considering you you went to bed at 1 am)."

Kaleb left for work around 6:30 so I got on twitter for a quick second and saw all of the hash tag's for Beach Reach. I can't explain what it is. If you want to know go here. Basically, it's the bee's knee's and I'm so sad I only got to go once. Anyway, Beach Reacher's can go on Twitter and hash tag prayer requests. Very neat. While perusing these I decided to look at the hash tag for South Padre Island and check out what the beach goers were talking about. I then found a picture....I found a picture.

This picture was a bunch of guys sitting around hanging out, no biggie right? Except the guy taking the picture had one main focus: the girl's panties hanging from the ceiling fan. The caption underneath said-"And so it begins..."

Begin's...meaning this isn't the end. Meaning these guys plan on having this to be a common occurrence this week of spring break. So, maybe you're reading this and thinking that picture is hilarious or that I'm too uptight but can I just tell you that when I went on that mission trip there were countless rapes and murders happening on the island that week. I'm sure the number went up this year.

As my sweet unborn Elijah kicks incessantly because he loves the music that is playing right now all I can think is please, PLEASE Elijah, don't be that guy. Love God, love others. Go on a mission trip to South Padre instead of a spring break trip with your frat buddies. Find a woman who is God fearing. One who would never subject herself to such picture. But I guess what I'm really trying to say is find a girl who is like mama now and not like mama was because I was that girl and the tears stream at that thought. The thought that one day I will have to tell you who I was before Jesus but when I do I hope you remember that Jesus is so, so good. He pulled me from the muck and the mire and cleaned me off. He made me pure again. He makes beautiful things from dust. He cures the sick and heals the blind. He softens the heart of stone. He turns that crazy party girl into a follower, a life group leader, a wife, and a mom. He does the unthinkable and makes people do a complete 180 of their life.

I will raise you the best I know how and then pray when you go out from under my wing you make Godly choices and decisions. But for now, keep on kicking. I can't wait to meet you in 18 weeks.

P.S. Hold out for my future daughter-in-law. I'm already praying for her, too. I know she will be nothing less than everything God has for you.

Lord, I wanna yearn for you. I wanna burn with passion over You and only You. Lord, i wanna yearn.

And you know what makes this moment even sweeter?

Little feet kicking from inside me.






(sob)

So many weddings are coming up. I mean SO many. And I literally have no words to describe how happy I am for all of these weddings though I might have to miss some considering the fact that my due date is on the day of one of them (Jazz-I am so, so sad I have to miss your wedding but I know it will be BEAUTIFUL!!) I want to give you all a gift and by gift I mean something I wasn't given but would have really liked to hear and that is this-advice from a newlywed. All of the advice and wisdom I was given was from women who had been married for years (which means those chicks are full of TONS of wisdom) but the season I was entering in was being a new wife so naturally I longed to hear from a wife who had just recently been married. So before I say anything just know this-Find a wife of many years and make her your mentor. Seriously. Do it. It's the best! But now I will give you the knowledge I have from being married for half of a year.

1) Give up on the idea of being a perfect wife like now. As I just put my last load of laundry in the washer I am thinking to myself that I still do this. I am constantly frustrated that I don't have home cooked meals prepared for my husband, loads of laundry complete and put away everyday, dishes clean and in the cabinets every morning, prayers sent up to heaven by the time my husband wakes up, encouragement dripping from my tongue the minute something goes wrong. You get the picture. I am just frustrated with myself all the time but I shouldn't be. I try too hard to live up to Proverbs 31 that it almost drives me insane and that was not the purpose of it when God breathed those beautiful guidelines into scripture. Your husband does not expect perfection. Ever. Breathe that in and then let it resonate in your soul.

2) Never underestimate the power of respect. I am learning this one STILL. If you have not read Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs then you need to read it. For real. It's amazing. It continually blows my mind at how wrong I was about my husband needing constant love from me. He needs my respect more. I can't explain it to be honest but the book says it all and it will do wonders for your marriage.

3) Prayer. This is the one I suck at the most. I forget to pray for my husband throughout the day. I'm getting better at it but if I would have remembered it from day one our marriage would be way more blessed than it is right now. Holy. Goodness. Your marriage will be crazy filled by the Holy Spirit if you're praying. Not just for him but for your home, your future children, his wisdom, your wisdom, his job, your job, your intimacy with each other, etc the list goes on and on. Never underestimate the power of a prayer, yes but also never underestimate the power of your prayers as the wife. It will blow your mind.

4) You are a team. There is a reason you are called Ezer Kenegdo in Genesis. It's because you are exactly that-You are his help mate. Marriage works best when you're being a team player. You should be working together not against each other. My husband and I do have our individual strengths, trust me. He is not allowed to do laundry for example. If he did he would throw everything together instead of separating darks, colors, towels, etc. And I don't touch the bills. I forget things way too easily to pay our bills. That has remained his job. And for each couple it's different. There are definitely things that he does better than me and vice versa so we leave it up to the individual but we are a team, always. We do life together, never separately. All decisions we have made for our lives have been together. They have been hashed out and dealt with as a team. Hence the reason we only waited 3 months to get pregnant. That was just our choice, it's not for everyone and we totally understand that but that was a decision we prayed over together and talked about incessantly from the minute we said "I do." So whatever path you walk in your marriage just remember to walk side by side. You were taken from his rib, not his head or feet. Don't forget that.

5) Sex. We all knew it was coming. I feel I shouldn't say much on this subject because I have no idea who will read this but for you girls who I now have waited with your fiance until your wedding night just know this- sex is POWERFUL in your marriage. Just this morning I heard a comedian talking about how once you're married you stop having sex. Obviously this comedian was talking about the worldy view of marriage not the God centered one. I read somewhere that sex is like a silent cheer for men. And a mentor of mine (who has been married to her husband for years now) said that sex for men is like an ego boost. And i completely agree with all of that but what bothers me is that no one says what sex for the wife is like. I believe it's healing especially when you have a past that you're not proud of. It's also an intimacy with God and my husband that I really can't explain. Everyones view on sex is different that's for sure but don't forget that it's for you just as much as it's for your husband. It should be an equal share in it in my opinion. Sex makes or breaks your marriage. It truly does. All other thoughts on this subject should be said privately. I'm sure some people reading this aren't too happy about this part (sorry.)

Anyway, those are my thoughts. My 6 months of wisdom. And all 5 of those things are things I still learn as we go. Marriage is tough and beautiful and crazy and exciting and healing and intimate and honestly the best blessing you could ever receive. I love being married. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it. Soak in as much advice as you can from all of the wives you trust and love. They know what's up! I love you ladies and I'm praying for your marriages. Get ready, it's awesome!