And then Amy Hauck ruined my heart...

1:06 PM

She ruined me.

Absolutely ruined my heart and everything I've come to "know" and let my life be like this year. She ruined my heart for this slump, for this season of dying.

Saturday night driving to Cafe Brazil with my husband and our favorite friends I leaned back against the seat taking in Amy Hauck's words.

Culture of honor

Breathing it in and knowing I don't do this enough. I don't honor my leadership family, my husband, my friends, my life group...not the way I should. Not as often as I should. I said out loud in the car this statement-"I feel like I'm crawling from Wednesday night to Wednesday night." And I do. I feel like I'm allowing church and Chi Alpha services to fill me enough just to make it to Wednesday night for my life group. Instead of letting myself fill to the brim and spill over with God's word and His love, I fill up and pour out. Fill up and pour out over my girls not leaving enough left over for everyone else, myself included. Which leads to this dishonoring that can come shooting from my tongue and to be honest, from my eyes as well. Words spoken to my husband about our friends that only he will ever know and it's gross. Yes, gross is the word I'm choosing. I feel the sour taste on my tongue after I've said these things. I can feel the sickness rise from my belly into my throat as if I'll choke on the words but I never do.

Our pastor apologized for this very thing but I wonder if he knows that he's not the only one. Our entire leadership family is guilty of this. I'm sure everyone in our ministry is guilty of this but I can't be justified. This isn't a justifiable act. I think it's a huge reason so many of us have watched people leave Chi Alpha and our life group's this past year. Why would they stay when they feel unsafe? Amy Hauck said this weekend that we have to make baby Christians feel safe. I don't think my words have made many people safe. And for anyone who reads this-I'm so very sorry. If you're a leader, you are my family and I promise to treat you more like that and to honor you and to have your back. I really am with you heart and soul. To members of Chi Alpha, I hope I have never said anything to hurt or offend you. If I have I need your forgiveness. If you're staff/staff wife, I look up to you more than I let on. When you correct me I am thankful. I am so sorry for ever speaking negatively about you. I love you. I love you more than words can describe. Thank you for pouring out all you have over this ministry, over this team, and over my husband and I.

"It's a new season. It's a new season. The old has passed away. The old has passed away. Cause He makes us come alive. He makes us come alive."

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