Today I attend life group for the first time in two years instead of leading one.
Bittersweet.
I am so excited though because my BEST FRIEND is leading the life group I will be attending. For the last 2 years she was in my life group, loving Jesus, loving my girls, and she was always longing. Longing to share and learn. I remember a specific moment on my couch at 3 am when she opened up her life to me. She let me in to a part of her heart that not many people got to see. She was embarrassed and scared of sharing her secrets with me but little did she know at that time thats exactly what a life group leader longs for. Those early morning/late night conversations where one of their girls/guys opens up a part of their heart to you, showing you how much they trust you. Whitney, my best friend, gets to learn that this year. She will get many moments like the one she shared with me. I'm excited to watch her grow her life group girls like she watched me do for the last 2 years.
I'm passing the Paton when I thought I would be running the race next to her. I had planned during my whole pregnancy to still be leading a life group but as any mama knows nothing goes according to plan. I've had to adjust many plans and then go with the flow. It's...tough. BUT I'm still discipling a few of my sweet girls as well as my precious baby boy. My life is good, folks. So good! It's hectic and crazy but it's wonderful. The one thing that will make it that much better is being in Whitney's life group, sharing life with her girls. I can't wait for tonight! I've got a bottle pumped and ready to go so Kaleb can be with Elijah while I have some much needed girl time.
I've covered tonight in prayer, believing God for good things to come and for her girls to all be specifically placed in her life group. Now, I get to watch her go!
Ready...set...
Leadership.
More importantly-Chi Alpha
MORE importantly-Jesus!
I love this team, I love this ministry, and I love my Jesus!
Fall semester starts next week. Dorm move in's are Friday and then the following Monday classes start. But even better than that-Chi Alpha kicks off! As our pastor Heath said-"The first 2 weeks back are crucial. It's harvest time." Truer words could not have been spoken. I always get so excited at the beginning of the school year and I'm not even in school anymore. I love watching everyone set up their dorm's as we help them move in. I love the fajita dinner where we meet all of the freshmen. I love the organizational fairs where we tell all of the students about XA. I love the huge game of Capture the Flag that we play the first week back. I just love this time. Sadly, I will only be able to do half as much as I usually do because I have to take care of Elijah. No biggie. He's my favorite person to spend time with!
This last week we were at leadership retreat. Goodness, I needed it SO. BAD. I had only a few minutes of actual alone time but even in those few minutes God spoke. I love how He does that for mom's. Leadership is going to be hard this year with Elijah. I realized that even more at retreat but my sweet friend said it best when she told me it's important to bring your baby into your ministry. You're allowing people to see what a Christian family looks like. I love that! There was an amazing moment the first night. Our old pastor, Landon, came and spoke. At the end of his lesson he had a Holy Spirit moment where he invited people to renew their love language with the Lord and just to pray/get prayed over. As beautiful tongues were lifted to heaven by my fellow leaders Elijah and I peaked through the door to watch. Elijah stared. He stared and listened to this language he didn't know being spoken by people he's getting to know. It was beautiful and of course I cried. Part of the tears were because I wanted desperately to be out there. I wanted someone to pray over me. I need prayer. But part of the tears were from watching Elijah's face. I can see him serving in a Chi Alpha at a university. I can see him being discipled and learning to disciple others.
I love this. I love this. I love this.
I love bringing him to our ministry but most importantly I love ministering to him. He has a strong calling on his life. I can just feel it and I hope that Kaleb and I can help cultivate that calling in any way God allows.
Being a mom is amazing.
Kaleb and I are learning how to live off just his paycheck since next week is my last week watching the babies and one of my last paychecks come's next week as well. So, it's difficult. I don't like to discuss our finances with people. Any of it. How much we make, how much our bills are, etc. But I will say that we have been living just fine. Never hurting for anything or struggling. We moved to the apartment to help downsize our bills and life has been good especially with so many people giving us stuff for Elijah. Life has just been...good.
And then 2 days ago we realized we might not have enough money for groceries. Our pantry isn't completely bare but it was looking a little scarce. I had found a blog on monthly meal planning and had made out our list of groceries and meals for next month but we didn't think we would have enough money to buy all of the groceries on the list. Needless to say we were panicked a bit. Kaleb more than me. There is something so fragile about a man providing for his family. But then....
I opened my door this afternoon to three of my sweetest friends, all holding bags and bags of groceries. I didn't understand. I COULDN'T understand. I kept thinking who could have told them about our grocery problem that we had just found out about, ourselves, only 2 days ago. Who told them?! I was almost mad at first. And then they tell me that they had planned on doing this for a while now to show their appreciation for all I had done for them during life group this past year. What had I done for them? I felt as if I had failed this year. I kept thinking of all the things I need to fix next year. The ways I can be a better life group leader. The ways I can show my girls more love. The ways I can just be better. Isn't that always the way? We're always trying to better ourselves instead of recognizing the good we've already done.
The most amazing part? This was in the works for a while now. God's timing is so unbelievably good. He saw this coming. He saw our pantry and fridge growing smaller before we ever noticed. He saw us 2 days ago when it hit us. So how could you ever doubt, friend, that He's watching now. That He sees you right where you're at. Troubles and storms. Joy and fresh air. He see's you. He knows you. And He is Jehovah-Jireh. Always.
And there's a TON more that I didn't get pictures of. I can't get over how sweet my King is and how thoughtful my girls are. Excuse me while I try to go fix my mascara.
She ruined me.
Absolutely ruined my heart and everything I've come to "know" and let my life be like this year. She ruined my heart for this slump, for this season of dying.
Saturday night driving to Cafe Brazil with my husband and our favorite friends I leaned back against the seat taking in Amy Hauck's words.
Culture of honor
Breathing it in and knowing I don't do this enough. I don't honor my leadership family, my husband, my friends, my life group...not the way I should. Not as often as I should. I said out loud in the car this statement-"I feel like I'm crawling from Wednesday night to Wednesday night." And I do. I feel like I'm allowing church and Chi Alpha services to fill me enough just to make it to Wednesday night for my life group. Instead of letting myself fill to the brim and spill over with God's word and His love, I fill up and pour out. Fill up and pour out over my girls not leaving enough left over for everyone else, myself included. Which leads to this dishonoring that can come shooting from my tongue and to be honest, from my eyes as well. Words spoken to my husband about our friends that only he will ever know and it's gross. Yes, gross is the word I'm choosing. I feel the sour taste on my tongue after I've said these things. I can feel the sickness rise from my belly into my throat as if I'll choke on the words but I never do.
Our pastor apologized for this very thing but I wonder if he knows that he's not the only one. Our entire leadership family is guilty of this. I'm sure everyone in our ministry is guilty of this but I can't be justified. This isn't a justifiable act. I think it's a huge reason so many of us have watched people leave Chi Alpha and our life group's this past year. Why would they stay when they feel unsafe? Amy Hauck said this weekend that we have to make baby Christians feel safe. I don't think my words have made many people safe. And for anyone who reads this-I'm so very sorry. If you're a leader, you are my family and I promise to treat you more like that and to honor you and to have your back. I really am with you heart and soul. To members of Chi Alpha, I hope I have never said anything to hurt or offend you. If I have I need your forgiveness. If you're staff/staff wife, I look up to you more than I let on. When you correct me I am thankful. I am so sorry for ever speaking negatively about you. I love you. I love you more than words can describe. Thank you for pouring out all you have over this ministry, over this team, and over my husband and I.
"It's a new season. It's a new season. The old has passed away. The old has passed away. Cause He makes us come alive. He makes us come alive."
Wednesday night was rough. Actually, it wasn't rough at all but all the little things from that day piled on and by night fall I felt wrecked. I think it mostly started when Kaleb told me he didn't have Thursday off with me. I was pretty bummed. I had a whole day planned out for us (because I rarely get out of the apartment) so I was kinda irritated when his boss gave him Friday off instead of Thursday. Seriously, Bre? Not that big of a deal, girl. Trust me I know. The rest of the day went bad when only 4 of my life group girls said that they could come to life group that night. I had a very special lesson planned which couldn't be taught to only 4 of them. It was like a bonding and strengthening community type lesson so the other girls would have been missing out if I would have taught it when they weren't there. As a life group leader that totally bums you out.
And then the house smelled horrible because of the baked potatoes in the oven, the tilapia was not as yummy as I hoped it would be, and I burned the muffins for my girls.
What a tragedy, right? No I know. It was not a big deal at all but to my almost-17 weeks-pregnant self it really was a travesty. I decided that 15 minutes before my girls arrived I would sob quietly in the kitchen. That way I could emerge relaxed and fine once they arrived. I sat down and looked at what my lesson would have been about and realized the very thing I did (crying in the kitchen when no one was there) was exactly what I was going to teach on. Obviously not about crying but just about letting your community, your life group, your girls...see your pain, feel your hurt, walk with you and help carry your burdens. If I'm honest all of those things weren't the real problem. They just added to the mess that I felt I was already knee deep in. But I couldn't admit that, right? I'd lose face or ground in some weird way.
Man, Jesus knows how to humble you and slap you in the face all at the same time. Dang.
Sabrina isn't a cover up name to protect the innocent. It's actually the name of my sweet friend who just joined in on No make-up November.
This is Sabrina. This is an old profile picture I stole from her Facebook so it's already been pre approved for people to see right? Girls do that a lot. We check out pictures, look at them very closely, before we decide to make them our profile picture but even so Sabrina would probably look at this picture and say something about her eyebrows, or her smile, or the way her head is cocked to the side.
She would have criticisms for herself because that's what we do. We pick out so many flaws in the mirror that by the time we leave it, we're dissatisfied with the final product of how our face and hair look. And this....this is normal.
Today, Sabrina told me she was doing No make-up November. She told me this while having make up on her face. I laughed at her thinking she's silly and then ironically the Lord spoke to me in that situation. There is a true brokeness in the girls participating in No make up November. We literally think we can't live without it. We pick at our flaws so much that there is nothing left of ourselves. The point in this month of no make up isn't so we will look in the mirror and become sad for an entire month but to see what the King sees in us. He created us without make up on our face. Just the way we are. Bare faced. He's already named us beautiful before we grew up and tried our hardest to cover up things we think are flaws. So who stands up for her face? Sabrina's face. Who will look at it and piece back together everything she's knocked down. I will!
Sabrina, this picture does her no justice. She has beautifully dark skin and hair. White, perfectly straight teeth. Gorgeous eyes, full of love! Don't even get me started on her bone structure. Holy goodness! High cheek bones and a pretty jaw line. But that's nothing compared to what the Lord says about her. He says He is enthralled by her beauty. Enthralled. The King Himself is Enthralled by you.
To that friend you have who doesn't always realize how absolutely breath taking she is. Fight for her! Fight for the features that she speaks against. Remind her what the King says. Because sometimes that's all we need to hear.
The relationship series is coming, folks. It's coming fast. November 2nd to be exact. Everyone is so pumped. It's so awesome to have this traditional series running through our Chi Alpha at Angelo State University each year. This will be my 4th year going through it and I have to say is -wow. God is FAITHFUL.
My first year was hard. Actually, it was painful. Yea, painful is the best way to describe it. I was a new baby Christian, still drinking milk and I was still tending to my wounds from a relationship in high school. Not just any high school relationship but one complete with cursing each other out on a daily basis, cheating on each other back and forth, building a future that was never meant to be, and even a miscarriage. It was plain awful and after investing my entire being in that relationship inevitably I was a mess when it ended. In November I did something really shameful that doesn't matter now but it kind of sent me over the edge I guess you could say. Over the edge and into the Lord's hands completely. And then....then the relationship series was preached by Lennon Noland (the godfather of ASU XA). It changed my heart completely and though I didn't live perfectly after that, my thoughts on dating were changed. Heck, my thoughts on God, guys, sex, marriage...everything was changed.
My second year was just awesome. I had been single for I believe about a year and a half around that time and I had a good life. No messing up for Bre! It was something to be proud of, trust me. I sat next to my best friend throughout that 4 week series. My best friend named Kaleb.
My third year I was....wait for it....ENGAGED! What?? To that best friend I sat next to my second year. We soaked it in together as a soon-to-be-married couple and it was amazing. We learned a lot and did our best to put it into practice.
My fourth year (this year) I am married and I'm ready to learn more. The relationship series isn't just for the single people or the people who are dating. It's for everyone in my opinion. The first year was when my heart completely changed about the dating game but the next years I learned more and more about who God has called me to be as a woman of God and even a wife.
My marriage didn't come from the relationship series. Nor did it come from Chi Alpha. It came from God but those are tools He used, among many other things, to help me use my time of singleness to grow more in Him and to prepare myself for Kaleb rather than searching for him. So, to say all of that is to say this: Get ready and be prepared. Embrace this season because it was made specifically for you. And please, please stop fasting dating. Fast long enough from it and you just might miss the guy that the Lord has for you. Sitting in that pew my first year I was mad, hurt, and pretty much done with guys. If someone would have told me that 3 years later I would be married I would have laughed, yelled at them, and then I probably would have ran. I didn't do much those next 2 years. I waited, I searched the Lord's heart, I allowed Him to search mine, and I gave Him my dating life. I didn't take it into my own hands and put a timeline on my King. It was never my place to tell Him what age I could be married by, what season in my life He could bring me the one, or even how long I wanted to be single before I began dating again. It was always His perfect timing I relied on and it was scary most days, to just allow Him to do a work on my heart but He was faithful. He's a constant faithfulness. And I can attest to that whole heartedly. He is a good, good God and He has a perfect timeline laid out in gold for your life and your future. Just wait and see.
It is better to spend years waiting for the right person than to spend eternity with the wrong one.
-Landon Henry
(And I used that quote in the vows for my wedding.)
Ah, joy! Sweet joy! This fruit of the spirit doesn't seem too hard to work on. Almost effortless? Goodness, I can be so naive sometimes. Once again within the first 48 hours of this new challenge being spoken out and accepted I failed again. And again I just let it happen. I noticed the things that instantly took my joy away were so small. When I got a moment to sit down and soak in all of the pieces of my day that were still angering me at 5 pm I realized they were all small and they were honestly all out of my hands. I allowed other people to define my joy instead of proclaiming it through Christ. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says:
Be joyful always, pray at all times, be thankful in all circumstances. This is what God wants from you in your life in union with Christ Jesus.
This is my verse for the week. Simple and powerful all at the same time. My joy ran dry as soon as I woke up that morning all because I allowed it to. So I started thinking of ways to fix this problem. How can I make sure that these things which are, inevitably, out of my hands not effect me and steal my joy. Yes, turning my downcast face toward Christ, praying, reading scripture, etc but to be honest I can't do that right away. I watch 4 kids throughout the week. I can't just sit down and pick up my Bible nor can I hit my knees in the middle of the day and start praying. So I thought of a practical way that I can still claim my joy in Christ when my day gets hard. My solution? Find the small things. This is the list I came up with for today. All of the things today that made me joyous and they were all incredibly small. Normally I would pass them off as nothing but I realized when I focused on them my heart was glad.
-My pastor's message today
-Friends who come to me with their heart
-A sweet friend quick to offer help even when Kaleb and I didn't need it
-Flexible bosses who allow me to spend time with family and friends
-My husband always helping. Cooking, folding laundry, etc.
-Clean sheets on my bed
-Laundry caught up with for the week
-Compromises
-Hearing Kim Walker-Smith speak in tongues during her songs
-Hearing Kim Walker-Smith speak in tongues during her songs
-Good conversations
-Watching my girls grow closer
-Holding sweet babies
-New clothes
-Dear friends getting to go to Altitude
Haha what a silly list but all of these things brought great joy to my heart today. Actually, insane amounts of joy! I serve a good, good God and I know He gave me a life worth finding joy in. Even in the smallest of things.
"To be a woman of God" was the name of the lesson last night. We talked about women we looked up to, who God is to us, and ways to walk towards goals. For instance, we went over the fruits of the spirit. For those of you who aren't familiar in Galatians 5:22-23 the fruits of the spirit are listed as love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I presented my life group with a challenge-Each week we will work on a fruit of the spirit. Each of us will find a verse that has to do with that certain fruit of the spirit and we will memorize it and put that fruit into practice for the week. Sounds easy? Wrong! Totally totally wrong. Be honest, this is not a simple task, it is literally a challenge. Our first fruit of the spirit for week 1 is love. That's seriously not easy. When someone is irritating you, being mean, talking down to you..your first instinct is not to love them. It's usually to get even, be mean back, or just not say anything at all.
To love. To love EVERYONE. That is definitely what the Lord has called us to do but that doesn't make it easy at all. My verse for this fruit of the spirit is John 13:34-35
" A new command I give you: Love one another. AS I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."
Through the next 8 weeks (because there are 8 fruits of the spirit) I will be blogging about how I am doing with them, how my life group is doing with them, and how it is effecting all of us. Are we finding them easy for that week? Hard? Are we presented with situations right away where the Lord is helping us to practice them? How is the verse we find helping out?
Today, I was already presented with an opportunity to love and not get mad and I totally and completely failed. I won't lie at all. I failed. I knew I needed to show love even though I was angry but I just couldn't, or at least that's what it felt like. I sat in my truck, looked down at the verse in my phone, and just said "I can't Lord" and preceded to let the anger wash over me. I made up for it later. I went back to that person and showed love but it was hard. My goal for the rest of this week's challenge is to show love FIRST. To not let the anger or emotions take over me but to let love come out of my mouth and actions first and foremost. This is going to be a hard week but I believe that knowing my girls are doing it with me is going to make it that much easier.
I was having a conversation last night with 2 of my girls. We were talking about a whirlwind of things but one subject that presented itself was how we know the Lord speaks to us. It's such a weird question now that I've slept on it and processed it for a while. It's so funny that the Lord had just spoken to me a couple of hours before that conversation and yet I failed to mention that. Why? Because He spoke to me through a song. Basically this is what happened-
Around 5:30 that evening (an hour and a half before my first life group of the year) I texted a dear friend of mine and told her my heart was shattered. It doesn't really matter why my heart was shattered at that moment, the point is I used that exact phrase-"My heart is just shattered." As I began to be more at peace thinking of how anxious I was for life group to start, I started getting ready. First, I put on my eye liner then as my straightener heated up I applied some mascara to my sad little eyelashes which were clumped together from tears that had been there not too long ago. While waiting to straighten out some waves in my hair I turned on Pandora. The station that was on was Kari Jobe. A new station I had just added the day before. In the middle of talking to Kaleb and going over another wave I heard the words "You're heart isn't shattered anymore. He is here." I stopped. You don't really hear those words in a lot of worship songs-hearts being shattered. It's usually you're heart is broken or more along the line of that at least but this song said shattered. My flesh, for just a moment, tried to brush it off but I quickly walked out of the bathroom and snuggled next to Kaleb on the bed and told him that the Lord had just spoke to me through that song. Then I went back in the bathroom and continued to get ready.
So here's the deal-why would I forget to mention that? It's because when I hear the word speak I automatically think of Jesus actually speaking to me (which He does) but I don't think of anything else. The truth is Christ speaks to us through the ways that we will listen. At the moment I was so caught up in getting ready that I wouldn't have listened if the Lord would have whispered to my heart, I am here. But that song caught my attention in that moment. One of the girls shared a heart wrenching story of how the Lord showed her a beautiful verse in Romans right after she had just found out some bad news for her senior year in basketball. See, the Lord speaks in so many different ways. Whatever will catch our attention in the moment, that's what He's going to use. For me, music always speaks. My heart is attached to worship music and praising my King. I love to sing my prayers sometimes and to even worship by myself in my bedroom. The Lord sees that, He sees me, and so He honors my own heart by speaking to me in ways that make sense for me.
I love that about Jesus. He speaks to each of us what makes sense for our own hearts.
Beautiful.
Life is so crazy right now. I keep telling people that but I'm definitely not being dramatic-it is seriously crazy. I try and avoid looking at my calendar on my phone because it's packed with weekend plans and XA activities. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe underneath all of God's goodness that He has poured out in my life. Getting to be a part of this team is overwhelming me more this year than it did last year. At the leadership retreat I went to this week I could feel the plans and activities suffocating me again. As we went over schedules, life group nights, and XA Monday nights I could feel myself gasping for a breath or two. Enough to get me through this year.
Why do I feel this way Lord? I am so excited to walk alongside You and do work with You, why do I feel overwhelmed? He didn't answer but simply showed me something at HEB camp that needed no words...at first.
Come to the well. Drink from the living water, be filled, do not run dry, love with a love that overflows like mine does. I didn't even have to hear Him say it. I just knew His many answers. Do not forget to run back to the well and continue to fill back up because you WILL run dry if you do not keep me first.
Come to the waters, you who thirst and you'll thirst no more.
Come to the father, you who work and you'll work no more.
And all you who labor in vain and to the broken and shamed:
Love is here.
Love is now.
Love is pouring from
His hands, from his brows.
Love is near, it satisfies.
Streams of mercy flowing from his side.
Cuz love is here.
Come to the treasure, you who search and you'll search no more.
Come to the lover you who want and you'll want no more, no.
And all you who labor in vain and to the broken and shamed,
And to the bruised and fallen,
Captives, bound, and broken hearted.
He is the lord
He is the lord,
By his stripes he's paid our ransom
From his wounds we drink salvation
He is the lord
He is the lord
