Ramblings of a mama in waiting

2:40 PM

I had to bring the laptop into Elijah's nursery to write this blog. It just seemed appropriate. Staring at the glider, and his diaper changing table, and all of the sweet decorations adorning these 4 walls is actually soothing (kind of) at this point. I really didn't expect to feel this way at all when it got to the end of this pregnancy. I had been doing so well. I was longing, of course, but it was a sweet longing as I got everything set up and ready. Then, going to my 36 and 37 week appointments and finding out my cervix is closed sent me into this ache. Literally, that's the only way I can describe it. This longing so bad that it's actually almost painful...? I thought i was being ridiculous until a friend told me this is the hardest part during pregnancy-the wait. Thank God!!! I'm not insane or depressed in any way. I'm just feeling the normal ache of wanting to hold my baby.

I'm not as nervous as I thought I would be about the actual delivery. I'm oddly excited about having an unmedicated birth. I made this decision at the beginning of my pregnancy and the excitement has grown over these last months. Now, I am not at all in denial about how much it will hurt. Trust me, I know. I've watched the videos, I've read the birth stories, and I know that actually experiencing it will be a whole different ball game but this is something I want to see through to the end. There isn't even an epidural in my opinion. It doesn't exist. For all of you medical people who are about to tell me how stupid I sound-It's just a mind over matter thing for me. I know the epidural is there and if my doula's and doctor tell me it's absolutely NECESSARY then I will definitely use it but other then that it just doesn't exist. That goes for everything actually even a C section. I've prepared my heart for all of the possibilities of something going wrong. Praying against it but still preparing for changes within my birth plan. That's as much as I can do-have a plan of what I want but be ready for changes. 

So, here's to waiting. All 3 of our bags are packed and ready to go and thankfully my family will be staying at the apartment so Kaleb only has to come back home to take a shower and get extra clothes instead of taking care of Achilles and getting last minute things ready for Elijah's arrival home. I'm so happy my mom and sister have volunteered to do that stuff so that he can stay at the hospital with me and E. They have also volunteered to clean and get crock pot meals ready. Seriously?! I have the best family ever! Now, the countdown begins. I'm still betting he'll come out before I hit week 39 but knowing this kid, he'll probably decide to prove me wrong. Oh, goodness. =]

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