My first Mother's Day

12:40 PM

I still have the picture on my phone of the word pregnant flashing across that stick. I sent it to Sarah the night I found out. I also called her 3 weeks later from the bathroom when I started bleeding, tears running wild as she prayed over my unborn babys life through the phone. I was deathly afraid as we rushed to the ER and they ran tests, poked me, prodded, filled my bladder with fluid so they could see if anything still existed. And he did. A heartbeat came across the screen and I was sure it was mine but the look of relief on the doctors face told me otherwise. An hour later it was confirmed: pregnant. I was sure I was going to lose that baby but God had other plans. He made me a mom that day. And I've realized how truly terrifying it is to be one but what a blessing it is at the same time. Some nights I lay awake wondering why it's been 4 hours and I haven't heard Elijah make a sound. I can still remember, vividly, sticking my finger under his nose as the swing helped him dream when he was only a couple of weeks old, checking to see if he was breathing. I hear about children passing away at young ages and wonder if my family will be a part of that statistic one day.

Motherhood, in any form, isn't easy. It's so very, very scary. It's beautiful for sure but goodness is it scary. It's full of the unknown and most days I'm walking blind and navigating a path only by what feels right rather than seeing the end result in sight. I want so badly to learn more about the Lord's heart that I completely miss how much He's revealing Himself to me through this intense love I have for Elijah. This love that causes me to be fearful for his life but at the same time causes me to squeeze him so tight because no hug is ever big enough and no tickle session ever lasts long enough. The scary part of motherhood isn't talked about very often. I'm not sure if it's because people think it feels too depressing or negative but I rarely hear it discussed. My sweet friend, Aimee, gave me a pregnancy kit when I first found out there was life growing inside of me. She was amazing! She gave me books, food, and ginger beer (which was so gross just FYI). With each item I pulled out of the box she had placed a sticky note with what it was for and then I found a card. She told me in this card that this journey would be scary. She warned me with sweet words and I love her so much for that because she also told me how rewarding it would be. I appreciate when experienced mama's share their truest heart with me and their honest wisdom. Aimee was so right!

These last 10 months have been so incredibly fun, hilarious, scary, emotional, overwhelming, amazing,...and any other word you could probably think of. All of it. It has been all of the above every moment of every day since my sweet boy came into my life. One of my absolute favorite things about motherhood is how Elijah makes me feel. His laughter causes an uncontrolable laugh of my own to rise from deep within my belly. And when he takes both hands off the coffee table and stands for 15 seconds by himself, I ugly cry all over the place. It's insane. This love I have for him is INSANE. I find myself making up weird songs and strange noises to distract him while I change his diaper. Or tearing up just a little when he hits head and his face turns red from tears and anger. I've never felt anything like this and I count myself lucky that I get to have it. I never want to take his life for granted. Never.

Thank you, Elijah, for making me a mom and teaching me what it's all about. Thank you for showing me daily how amazing this journey is. Words can't describe how deeply you are loved. I can't imagine why the Lord would entrust your life to me but I'm going to do this right! I promise! And on the days I fall short, please forgive me and thank you in advance for cutting me some slack. I'm sure you won't even notice the things I consider mistakes but thank you anyway for showing me grace, little one. I love you. I love you. I LOVE YOU!

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