For the loss

8:15 AM

There's a picture going around my news feed. Maybe you saw me share it on Instagram?

Yea. That's the one.

This was still fresh in my mind when I picked up Elijah from his cradle this morning. He smiled up at me as he saw my head appear above him. I went through my usual greeting with him.

"Hi bud. Good morning. Oh goodness you're so handsome. Did you sleep well? Hey. Hey baby."

I picked him up, kissed the smile that was still lighting up the room, and then crawled into bed to nurse him. As I nursed him, I wept. Since Elijah has been born I haven't really thought about my baby in Heaven very much. I felt guilty. I should be thinking about that baby more. But who can blame me? My other baby is finally here and in my arms. It's not that I had forgot about my other one. I've just been enjoying my time with my son.

The guilt washed away.

I got on facebook and saw that more of my friends had shared this photo. Can I just say how refreshing it is that women I know are being open about their loss. It's beautiful, really. I mean look at that statistic. 1 in 4. It's actually pretty common so I'm glad everyone can talk about it openly. But it took years of living in San Angelo before I talked about it with others. It even took a lot in me to share that picture on Instagram. Why? Simple. I'm embarrassed. My miscarriage, unlike my friends, happened in high school with a boy I obviously wasn't married too. And sometimes I let the fact that this happened during my Ungodly life overpower the real issue at hand. I lost a baby. I lost what would have been my first baby. The other stuff doesn't matter. Loss is loss. I think that deserves to be typed again. Loss is loss. No matter which way you flip it or spin it or tell it or experience it.

I stepped out of the shadows last year around this time actually and wrote my first blog containing my miscarriage. It was hard. It was painful. It was real. And the responses I got were nothing short of loving. I don't know why for a moment I thought this would be any different.

So, to my baby in heaven- I know your name and your gender but I won't say them here. I'll keep them locked safely in my heart. I want you to know that you have a little brother and that I didn't forget that this May you would have been 6 years old. I bet you would have lit up a room with your smile the same way Elijah does. I know Jesus is taking care of you. He promised me long ago that He would. You have a little sister, too.  She was actually born a couple of weeks after your brother was. How weird is that? But still pretty cool at the same time. She has the cutest, chubbiest cheeks you could ever squeeze and Elijah has some awesome leg chunk that you could totally chew on. I want you to know that you would have been very loved here. You would have had 2 really great families. I love you, my dearest one. And one day I will meet you. I will hold you and kiss you and cuddle you tight. I promise.

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