"I carry a lot of shame still when it comes to my past."

She then proceeded to ask why I thought that might be and my only answer was I don't know. I really don't. I can't think of a good excuse or reason for why my past continually shames me when I've been walking with the Lord for 5 years now. I've walked with freedom in some areas and in others I've just shut down, not willing to let God take that area of my heart and use it for good or mold it or even just heal it. Instead I walk, 5 years later, with deep shame from who I use to be. Being a wife and a mother have helped a lot of course with my growth in this area but overall it's something I have to let the Lord in on or else it will never be fixed. When I take a step toward Him I always end up taking 2 steps back in fear that I can't go deeper with Him because of who I was. 

At church yesterday (I LOVE our new church by the way) the sermon was about finishing the rest of the year strong. Apparently yesterday was the 26th Sunday of the year, the half way marker. The pastor talked about all the goals we had set for ourselves back in January. Losing weight, dealing with addictions, going deeper with God, etc and the whole message was a huge encouragement on finishing the race. Almost 6 months ago I wrote this post all about how I just wanted to walk out into unchartered waters and grow. While my reading and prayer life have grown since then I still feel like I'm standing in the shallow end of life just watching everyone else.

I want to walk in the spirit more. Not just read and pray and know Him more but live out life radically and that starts with remembering that I was saved 5 years ago. There is no more shame. Flaws defined me but Jesus saved me. He didn't willingly go to the cross for my shame to weigh me down and keep me from God. He went willingly to the cross so that I can walk in freedom and boldly approach the throne. What a sweet revelation. One I've always known but sometimes need to be reminded of when I feel God pulling me into deeper waters.

"For the sake of your name, O Lord, forgive my iniquity, though it is great. Who, then, is the man that fears the Lord? He will instruct him in the way chosen for him. He will spend his days in prosperity."
Psalm 25:11-13