The Hargrove Home

I'm dreaming of my village today.

I don't have one yet but I can feel it coming. Count yourself lucky if you've already found yours. Even if yours is in the making, count yourself so blessed!

I'm dreaming of it today because today is hard. Kaleb will be away all day. 9am-3pm for some training and then 5pm-1am for work. Tomorrow will be the same and then Saturday we go back to normal but these next two days are going to be hard and I know that my village would be very good on days like these. After all, that's what the village is meant for. Women lending helping hands, praying as the transitions begin, offering wisdom and listening ears on new stages, sharing encouragement for all of it.

I am longing for that as Kaleb and I get closer to the new chapters. I long for a pastors wife to remind me that this season of Kaleb being in school is only for a short time and that I am actively helping by taking care of everything else while he works and does his school work. Because sometimes it doesn't feel like I'm making much of a difference while he's working so hard. I long for a more seasoned mama to tell me that it's ok that we're not trying for another baby just yet. I need her to tell me that though my womb is aching we're making smart moves by waiting a while longer. Not much longer but still a little while. And then I need that same mama to share her wisdom with me when it is time to grow our family. I long for women in ministry to remind me that this is my ministry too. That wherever we land (college, young adult, youth ministry) that I'm a part of it, too. And more importantly I need someone who has seen much redemption in their lives to remind me that God has given me victory over so much and that He will continue to complete His good work even when I fall short.

My village. My community of women.
Waiting for you.

****EDIT****

Today was even harder than I anticipated originally. Elijah spiked a 102 fever and was very lethargic. Kaleb had to come home after an hour of being at work and take us to Urgent Care. See. Village. I needed them today. Alas, it's forming up around me. Soon.

If you have no idea what being a Twin Peak's girl means then bless your heart! Because that means you've some how escaped the tainted world we live in and I am envious of your ignorance but my guess is that everyone knows what that means. Especially my friends in San Angelo considering we now have a Twin Peak's conveniently located in our fine city.

"Do you want to be a Twin Peak's girl"

This is the ad that has taken over my Pandora and Facebook account. No, no I do not want to be a Twin Peak's girl and I hope you don't either. The mama in me wants to wrap a huge blanket around those girls and rush them out of there before another man can gawk at them long enough to take their wedding ring off and then give them some cheesy line that will make them feel special even for a minute. But the 22 year old in me who has only been saved for the past 4 years knows and understands and so I will not be rushing in there any time soon with blankets to cover the girls in and cold water to pour on the men.

Purity. It's real and it's achievable despite what media screams at you or what you've done. I think too many Christian women try and make purity seem like you have to be completely untouched or untainted to be able to call yourself pure but you are still pure. Even if things happened to you against your will (and can I just tell you how truly sorry I am that happened to you. It was in NO WAY your fault and you didn't deserve that). Even if things happened that you chose to participate in. Even if you were sober or completely inebriated when the last situation occurred...you are still pure. If you know my story then you know I had a miscarriage when I was in high school. You know that I made the walk of shame back to my dorm too many nights when my freshman year began at ASU. Those are not things that scream pure but I am. I am pure. My husband and I have pasts that unfortunately involve other people but for our marriage we became pure.

Getting saved in 2009 in no way meant that I did everything right. I still went out with my friends wearing things that drew negative attention my way while still claiming to love the Lord. I'm sure I greatly confused a few people and probably made some Christian women very angry but there is room for grace. I know what it feels like to long for that attention but eventually I learned to stop taking pictures in my bikini and posting them on Facebook. I learned to stop wearing the shortest shorts that barely fit when going to Chi Alpha. I learned all of these things because 1) I turned to scripture to find my worth instead of men and 2) I found women of God who had pasts like mine that had changed. I learned to look up to them and watch what they wore and how they conducted themselves.

I know many women will claim that this is just a job but let's be honest...there are plenty of other places hiring. I, in no way, condemn the girls who will eventually start working there. Instead, I weep over you because I know and I wish I could show you how the Lord views you but inevitably that's something that I could tell you all day long but you have to allow God himself to show you. He is completely enthralled with your beauty (Psalm 45:11). Because I understand that truth I now have a husband who, as my belly continues to grow and my body no longer looks like it use to, still tells me how sexy he thinks I am. He looks at me now like he did on our wedding night. He steals me away in the kitchen to kiss me and tell me how beautiful I am.

Twin Peak's is all about what you wear. It's not like you're going home with any of the men. I mean it's not a strip club or an escort service but unfortunately I can guarantee that one of the nights as you're closing up, that guy who stayed for 2 hours and ordered a ridiculous amount of beer will decide that he no long wants to be teased by your outfit. He wants to see whats underneath. And if your day went just right then your boss probably talked down to you enough to get your self esteem just at the right place for you to give in and go home with that man that night. I have never worked at a place like this but even I have had these kind of nights happen. And sadly, sweet girl, those nights will happen. I attended a friend's lingerie shower last weekend and we had a sweet and special moment where all of the married women (there was 6 of us) gave a tidbit of wisdom about sex within marriage. It was beautiful. I cried. Someone told the bride to that "it's being intimate with your best friend." What a great description. Another wife told her "my husband is an extension of Jesus to me." These women know what they're talking about and both of them have a past that involved others but they are walking examples of what Jesus' love can do. And that knowing your worth in Him changes you. It changes your heart, your way of thinking, and the way you act. The way God sees you...it's a powerful thing. Just go and read. He will reveal to you exactly what He thinks of you.

"You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; You have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace." Song of Solomon 4:9

I have not had a spiritual moment alone to truly maul this over but if my vision is my passion then it has never changed. My passion in ministry and specifically in life group has always been the same but I think next year it will be tweaked a bit because my heart has grown in different areas. Oh, yea! Did I mention?! That decision that had to be made about leading a life group again next year has been decided. Kaleb and I talked about it (in which I found out he wanted me to lead again all along) last night and decided I can do both. I can be a stay at home mama and still lead a life group and still participate in leadership for XA and still serve God the way I have been called to serve Him.

I am stoked!

There was a deep sadness, an emptiness almost that would wash over me every time I would seriously consider not leading a life group next year but now that we have landed on this decision I am joyous! My heart is overflowing again. Now, granted it will be tough at first. Kaleb and I have talked about what next year will look like leading life group's on separate nights so the other one can stay with Elijah but it's completely doable. And I imagine some nights will be rough. When I've had 0 sleep and a fussy baby to deal with all day but why does that automatically equal a cancelled life group? It doesn't. If anything it's real. We're suppose to be sharing life with these men and women not pouring glitter on our own life to make sure our's sparkle so we can fix theirs. No, no.

Sharing life to me looks like (and this is my vision) women honestly seeking the Lord but sharing their failures and struggles along the way. I want to be able to sit down with my life group and ask them to pray over me just as much as they ask me to pray over them. I want us to walk as a close knit group. I want honesty to flow from our mouths with each other, not just mine. I want my girls to recognize a problem in our life group and voice it. When I first started in XA my heart beat was for the women who had guy problems and father issues. Maybe that sounds cliche but those were the 2 areas of life I knew the most about. I could sympathize and understand those issues. I wanted my girls to know their worth, their value in Christ before getting serious with someone. After 2 years I have now realized that's harder than I thought it would be. But out of it I figured out how to love them through it anyway.

You see, I have a bad habit of walking away from people even giving up on them when I don't know what else to do. I love them but from a distance. God is teaching me to stay. To not run when decisions are made that break my heart. To hold their hand and pray instead of letting go, thinking I'm doing what's best for them. This is what I want to change with the upcoming school year. When my girls have a problem I don't want them to miss 3 life group nights in a row. I want them to come and be transparent. To know that my living room is a safe place and these girls are secret keepers. I want to change the way I flee from the deep rooted matters of the heart and sit down and listen. Speak when I know they need it and to quiet my tongue when they need only for me to listen.

That, that is my vision. As off key and scattered as it may seem typed out. That's my vision for my life group.

What's yours?

So many weddings are coming up. I mean SO many. And I literally have no words to describe how happy I am for all of these weddings though I might have to miss some considering the fact that my due date is on the day of one of them (Jazz-I am so, so sad I have to miss your wedding but I know it will be BEAUTIFUL!!) I want to give you all a gift and by gift I mean something I wasn't given but would have really liked to hear and that is this-advice from a newlywed. All of the advice and wisdom I was given was from women who had been married for years (which means those chicks are full of TONS of wisdom) but the season I was entering in was being a new wife so naturally I longed to hear from a wife who had just recently been married. So before I say anything just know this-Find a wife of many years and make her your mentor. Seriously. Do it. It's the best! But now I will give you the knowledge I have from being married for half of a year.

1) Give up on the idea of being a perfect wife like now. As I just put my last load of laundry in the washer I am thinking to myself that I still do this. I am constantly frustrated that I don't have home cooked meals prepared for my husband, loads of laundry complete and put away everyday, dishes clean and in the cabinets every morning, prayers sent up to heaven by the time my husband wakes up, encouragement dripping from my tongue the minute something goes wrong. You get the picture. I am just frustrated with myself all the time but I shouldn't be. I try too hard to live up to Proverbs 31 that it almost drives me insane and that was not the purpose of it when God breathed those beautiful guidelines into scripture. Your husband does not expect perfection. Ever. Breathe that in and then let it resonate in your soul.

2) Never underestimate the power of respect. I am learning this one STILL. If you have not read Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs then you need to read it. For real. It's amazing. It continually blows my mind at how wrong I was about my husband needing constant love from me. He needs my respect more. I can't explain it to be honest but the book says it all and it will do wonders for your marriage.

3) Prayer. This is the one I suck at the most. I forget to pray for my husband throughout the day. I'm getting better at it but if I would have remembered it from day one our marriage would be way more blessed than it is right now. Holy. Goodness. Your marriage will be crazy filled by the Holy Spirit if you're praying. Not just for him but for your home, your future children, his wisdom, your wisdom, his job, your job, your intimacy with each other, etc the list goes on and on. Never underestimate the power of a prayer, yes but also never underestimate the power of your prayers as the wife. It will blow your mind.

4) You are a team. There is a reason you are called Ezer Kenegdo in Genesis. It's because you are exactly that-You are his help mate. Marriage works best when you're being a team player. You should be working together not against each other. My husband and I do have our individual strengths, trust me. He is not allowed to do laundry for example. If he did he would throw everything together instead of separating darks, colors, towels, etc. And I don't touch the bills. I forget things way too easily to pay our bills. That has remained his job. And for each couple it's different. There are definitely things that he does better than me and vice versa so we leave it up to the individual but we are a team, always. We do life together, never separately. All decisions we have made for our lives have been together. They have been hashed out and dealt with as a team. Hence the reason we only waited 3 months to get pregnant. That was just our choice, it's not for everyone and we totally understand that but that was a decision we prayed over together and talked about incessantly from the minute we said "I do." So whatever path you walk in your marriage just remember to walk side by side. You were taken from his rib, not his head or feet. Don't forget that.

5) Sex. We all knew it was coming. I feel I shouldn't say much on this subject because I have no idea who will read this but for you girls who I now have waited with your fiance until your wedding night just know this- sex is POWERFUL in your marriage. Just this morning I heard a comedian talking about how once you're married you stop having sex. Obviously this comedian was talking about the worldy view of marriage not the God centered one. I read somewhere that sex is like a silent cheer for men. And a mentor of mine (who has been married to her husband for years now) said that sex for men is like an ego boost. And i completely agree with all of that but what bothers me is that no one says what sex for the wife is like. I believe it's healing especially when you have a past that you're not proud of. It's also an intimacy with God and my husband that I really can't explain. Everyones view on sex is different that's for sure but don't forget that it's for you just as much as it's for your husband. It should be an equal share in it in my opinion. Sex makes or breaks your marriage. It truly does. All other thoughts on this subject should be said privately. I'm sure some people reading this aren't too happy about this part (sorry.)

Anyway, those are my thoughts. My 6 months of wisdom. And all 5 of those things are things I still learn as we go. Marriage is tough and beautiful and crazy and exciting and healing and intimate and honestly the best blessing you could ever receive. I love being married. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it. Soak in as much advice as you can from all of the wives you trust and love. They know what's up! I love you ladies and I'm praying for your marriages. Get ready, it's awesome!

Wednesday night was rough. Actually, it wasn't rough at all but all the little things from that day piled on and by night fall I felt wrecked. I think it mostly started when Kaleb told me he didn't have Thursday off with me. I was pretty bummed. I had a whole day planned out for us (because I rarely get out of the apartment) so I was kinda irritated when his boss gave him Friday off instead of Thursday. Seriously, Bre? Not that big of a deal, girl. Trust me I know. The rest of the day went bad when only 4 of my life group girls said that they could come to life group that night. I had a very special lesson planned which couldn't be taught to only 4 of them. It was like a bonding and strengthening community type lesson so the other girls would have been missing out if I would have taught it when they weren't there. As a life group leader that totally bums you out.

November came fast, didn't it? Now it's the month where guys are incessantly blowing up my Facebook newsfeed talking about No shave November and how they will have the most "epic beard" ever. Silly guys.

The relationship series is coming, folks. It's coming fast. November 2nd to be exact. Everyone is so pumped. It's so awesome to have this traditional series running through our Chi Alpha at Angelo State University each year. This will be my 4th year going through it and I have to say is -wow. God is FAITHFUL.

Ah, joy! Sweet joy! This fruit of the spirit doesn't seem too hard to work on. Almost effortless? Goodness, I can be so naive sometimes. Once again within the first 48 hours of this new challenge being spoken out and accepted I failed again. And again I just let it happen. I noticed the things that instantly took my joy away were so small. When I got a moment to sit down and soak in all of the pieces of my day that were still angering me at 5 pm I realized they were all small and they were honestly all out of my hands. I allowed other people to define my joy instead of proclaiming it through Christ. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says:

Haha what a silly list but all of these things brought great joy to my heart today. Actually, insane amounts of joy! I serve a good, good God and I know He gave me a life worth finding joy in. Even in the smallest of things.

"To be a woman of God" was the name of the lesson last night. We talked about women we looked up to, who God is to us, and ways to walk towards goals. For instance, we went over the fruits of the spirit. For those of you who aren't familiar in Galatians 5:22-23 the fruits of the spirit are listed as love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. I presented my life group with a challenge-Each week we will work on a fruit of the spirit. Each of us will find a verse that has to do with that certain fruit of the spirit and we will memorize it and put that fruit into practice for the week. Sounds easy? Wrong! Totally totally wrong. Be honest, this is not a simple task, it is literally a challenge. Our first fruit of the spirit for week 1 is love. That's seriously not easy. When someone is irritating you, being mean, talking down to you..your first instinct is not to love them. It's usually to get even, be mean back, or just not say anything at all.